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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend being forceful

67 replies

lana135 · 28/02/2021 19:07

Hi so I need some advice on how to deal with this. Me and my bf have been together for almost 3 years and have a 5 month old son together. Don't mean to be a Debby downer but In the past I have boyfriends rape me and force me to do all sorts of sexual things I've said no to and understandably I have some trauma from it all.

So my bf has recently got into the habit of forcing french kissing. He knows I'm not one for tongues but I agreed to try a little bit here and there as i know he really likes it. But recently he's been getting really forceful with it. A few weeks back he quite literally shoved his tongue down my throat and thrashed it about despite me repeatedly trying to push him off. Today he wanted to snog before he said goodbye and I said I didn't mind a quick peck but no tongue as I'd literally just been a bit sick in my mouth from indigestion. Sorry tmi. He said he didn't care and I said I did. He then tried sticking his tongue in my mouth and when I said no he weirdly licked all over my face and neck.

Later on I messaged him asking him if he could just agree when i ask him not to use his tongue and his response was "I didn't even get it in there so stop moaning" to which I replied 'yes you did and I didn't like it'. He then sent a thumbs up, I replied with 'wow' then He said "what? The heart emoji conveys the wrong message".

What the fuck do I do here. He's never been forceful in any way other than groping at innapropriate times. It feels really violating and he acts like he just doesn't care that I don't like It. I feel so stupid writing this and I have no one I'm close to who I can discuss this with so please don't be too harsh on me

OP posts:
StillWeRise · 28/02/2021 19:54

have a read of the first post on this thread

Shoxfordian · 28/02/2021 19:56

No don’t actually bite him, but he would deserve it

Can you ever imagine doing this to someone op? It’s so unacceptable

Original poster
lana135 · 28/02/2021 19:56

Perhaps I don't give him enough credit. He's been moved out for about a week and visits everyday. Despite still being relationship he plans to give me some money towards our son which I feel is a pretty good deal as most women get much less. Although in all fairness he only lives a 15 minute walk down the road

OP posts:
TooMinty · 28/02/2021 19:57

Yes, I think StillWeRise is right. Your bad experiences in the past have led to you having low expectations of behaviour in men. This is totally not your fault but might take some effort to break free of the cycle. Get sole therapy for you, not couples therapy. You deserve better x

Blueuggboots · 28/02/2021 19:58

Why the fuck are you with him??????

Original poster
lana135 · 28/02/2021 19:59

That was a very good read. It think I needed that.

OP posts:
BaggoMcoys · 28/02/2021 20:00

@lana135

The whole thing about imagining a man doing it to another man is oddly very helpful. I do think I have a tendency to severely downplay things. My bf once cried to me down the phone about a gay friend of his trying to kiss him, starting to realize my reaction isn't wrong at all!
I'm glad you found it helpful too op! I was a bit nervous to share in case it was too weird, but it always helped me!
MondayYogurt · 28/02/2021 20:01

What sort of role models did you grow up with for relationships? Do you think there could be a pattern of abusive men taking advantage of you because you don't have the ability to see red flags?

Good people respect their partners. Good men don't force themselves on any part of your body.

He's not actually joking, he's just saying that so he can hurt you and get away with it.

Do the Freedom Programme. Get rid of the face licking liar.

Pessismistic · 28/02/2021 20:04

Sorry your going through this. Does he know you were raped?

Original poster
lana135 · 28/02/2021 20:05

Until I was 4 my birth mum and dad were severely abusive towards eachother. Ended up being adopted. My adoptive parents were never abusive towards each other but never particularly loving or affectionate either. I do think I have an issue with not spotting red flags or I can see them but don't take them seriously...face licking liar that gave me a well needed laugh

OP posts:
Original poster
lana135 · 28/02/2021 20:05

He knows all about it 😔

OP posts:
BaggoMcoys · 28/02/2021 20:06

Perhaps I don't give him enough credit. He's been moved out for about a week and visits everyday.

It doesn't matter. You don't need to give him any credit. He can be a great guy in many ways, that doesn't mean he's allowed to force his tongue down your throat after you have clearly told him not to (and the fact he did, says he is not a great guy).

The ex who anally raped me was a great guy. He was charming, popular, intelligent, romantic and lots of good things. He still anally raped me after I had told him I did not want to have anal sex. He still ignored my "no", same as your bf.

Original poster
lana135 · 28/02/2021 20:11

Thats true, I'm so sorry to hear that. Unfortunately I've been through the same.

OP posts:
toocold54 · 28/02/2021 20:27

I don’t think it matters what it is or if he is forcing you or not forcing you to do something - if you feel uncomfortable you feel uncomfortable and you should listen to your gut.

What was your relationship like before you had your child?
Were you the type to kiss with tongues etc have you started to not want to do it recently or has he become more forceful recently?

Pessismistic · 28/02/2021 20:31

The reason I ask is he knows but isn't any better than them. You have told him and he laughs it off or pushes the boundaries until he gets what he wants. I'm sorry but if he wanted things to work he would stop this immediately its horrible of him to keep pushing I cannot see couples therapy helping he does what he wants with no thought to you or your feelings.

TheyIsMyFamily · 28/02/2021 20:34

Dump him. Please. And get individual counselling if possible to you stop putting up with this horrendous behaviour from men.

Jfsrhkkydcb · 28/02/2021 20:36

He is abusive and you should leave him. Please don't do joint therapy with him - joint therapy should never be undertaken where there is abuse, it's dangerous.

It sounds like your history means you struggle to see how bad this is (understandably).

It's assault. He is happy to do things to you knowing that he doesn't have consent.

I hope you take up the Freedom Programme recommendation and are able to get some individual support in place for yourself to break free of him and men like him.

Cavagirl · 28/02/2021 20:42

He doesn't see it as a joke.
He explains it away as a joke to invalidate your response.
Why are you having couples therapy OP?

Eckhart · 28/02/2021 20:48

@lana135

His problem is that he sees everything as a joke
That's not his problem, that's your problem. He sees your feelings as a joke.

But why aren't you taking your feelings seriously?

You have said

It feels really violating about his behaviour, but you are dealing with it by posting on MN. That's good, it's really good that you've posted, but if you feel physically violated by a man who doesn't take your feelings seriously, YOU LEAVE. There are no circumstances in which it's ok to let that go. If you are considering letting that go, having told him clearly how you feel and being brushed off by him, then you are not taking your feelings any more seriously than he is.

Original poster
lana135 · 28/02/2021 20:54

We're having issues in the relationship. Our expectations of eachother and how we respond to conflict I suppose if why were trying couples therapy. We're hoping we find better ways of communicating and dealing with out issues but from what everyone's said it doesn't sound like it will work

OP posts:
Eckhart · 28/02/2021 20:58

He doesn't respect you. When you tell him that you like/don't like something, he doesn't care.

Why would you expect this relationship to work?

PuddyMuddles4 · 28/02/2021 21:04

@lana135

Yeah it really sucks because we were putting things Into the works to try and improve our relationship. He moved out for a bit of space and were on a waiting list for couples therapy. I've had the freedom program recommended before and funnily enough my boyfriend didn't want me to do it as he though I would 'think he was abusive and leave'
I did the Freedom Programme and it gave me the strength and courage to leave my ex. He still has no idea I did it - I told him I was taking the DC to a play group.
tiredmum2468 · 28/02/2021 21:06

That's awful @lana135 your poor thing

It would be a total no-go for me if someone tried to do that they'd be shown the door kids or no kids!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/02/2021 21:14

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Couples counselling is never advised or in fact recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. You are not emotionally safe to do joint counselling with him because you will cooperate and he will not.

You learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships when you were growing up and you carry those to this very day. This is partly why you are with this man now. He targeted you deliberately too, he sensed your poor boundaries, you hurt from being abused and vulnerability and has used that against you to his own ends. This is all on him.

Abuse also is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control. This individual wants absolute here over you and your child. Your son cannot afford to grow up seeing you as his mother getting abused.

MondayYogurt · 28/02/2021 21:17

I think you're more resilient than you know. Your background is certainly something that could help to explain why this type of men are able to take advantage of you.
IMO couples therapy won't help the relationship at this point, as he's already decided to dominate and manipulate you.
Therapy for yourself, working through your early experiences and how they may still be having repercussions in your life now, would be valuable.
And I'm glad you're able to laugh still, that's something these men can't take away from you. Keep going.