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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend being forceful

67 replies

lana135 · 28/02/2021 19:07

Hi so I need some advice on how to deal with this. Me and my bf have been together for almost 3 years and have a 5 month old son together. Don't mean to be a Debby downer but In the past I have boyfriends rape me and force me to do all sorts of sexual things I've said no to and understandably I have some trauma from it all.

So my bf has recently got into the habit of forcing french kissing. He knows I'm not one for tongues but I agreed to try a little bit here and there as i know he really likes it. But recently he's been getting really forceful with it. A few weeks back he quite literally shoved his tongue down my throat and thrashed it about despite me repeatedly trying to push him off. Today he wanted to snog before he said goodbye and I said I didn't mind a quick peck but no tongue as I'd literally just been a bit sick in my mouth from indigestion. Sorry tmi. He said he didn't care and I said I did. He then tried sticking his tongue in my mouth and when I said no he weirdly licked all over my face and neck.

Later on I messaged him asking him if he could just agree when i ask him not to use his tongue and his response was "I didn't even get it in there so stop moaning" to which I replied 'yes you did and I didn't like it'. He then sent a thumbs up, I replied with 'wow' then He said "what? The heart emoji conveys the wrong message".

What the fuck do I do here. He's never been forceful in any way other than groping at innapropriate times. It feels really violating and he acts like he just doesn't care that I don't like It. I feel so stupid writing this and I have no one I'm close to who I can discuss this with so please don't be too harsh on me

OP posts:

bringbacksideburns · 28/02/2021 21:31

...he plans to give me some money towards our son which I feel is a pretty good deal as most women get much less. Oh OP. Not the majority. Please don't think all men are like this. They aren't. He's a father. He's supposed to look after his son!

The fact he knows of your terrible experiences yet is ignoring your wishes and behaving like this is really worrying.
Also the fact he doesn't want you to do the Freedom program also speaks volumes.

This relationship isn't right.

He's also not giving you any space by coming round every day. You should sort out specific contact days for your son.

Aknifewith16blades · 28/02/2021 22:05

You sound very vulnerable OP. Do you have support? Could you talk to Women's Aid?

He's abusive - stay safe for you and your little one.

Original poster

lana135 · 28/02/2021 22:06

Don't really have anyone to talk to so womens aid sounds like a good place to start

OP posts:

FuckyouCovid21 · 28/02/2021 22:17

I couldn't get past the groping, you're not a piece of meat, and now he's trying to force you to do something you don't want to do with the French kissing. He knows your past, he doesn't love or care for you, if he did he'd respect your boundaries. I'd be concerned he'd start pushing for more and it sounds like he could force himself on you in the future. I wouldn't be letting him move back, I'd be ending it with and getting as far as fuck away from him before he turns to rape

Geppili · 28/02/2021 22:28

He licked your face! Get rid of him. He is abusive and has no respect for you.

Bluntness100 · 28/02/2021 22:40

Honestly, does this not give you the complete ick? It would me. It’s so cringe and nauseating. I’m acruallu shuddering reading it. Who does that. Do you really want to make it work with this creep?

BlueThistles · 28/02/2021 23:00

This guy is abusing you in every imaginable way 🌺

BashfulClam · 01/03/2021 00:48

@Shoxfordian

He is abusive He’s shoving his tongue in your mouth when you don’t want it there. Maybe try biting it next time so he learns his lesson. Or don’t let there be a next time and end it with him

My mum told me she did this to a boyfriend who used his tongue. when she said no. Tbf he never tried again.

BlueThistles · 01/03/2021 03:12

He's just a boyfriend... ditch him permanently 🌺

JamieFrasersAuntie · 01/03/2021 03:30

He's never been forceful in any way other than groping at innapropriate times

Groping is abusive. You are being sexually abused.

flakymate · 01/03/2021 03:46

I’m so sorry about everything you’ve been through with these disgusting men. My heart has broken But I’m just going to throw it out there, you’re with another wrong’un. He’s still a creepy abuser. He might not seem as bad as your rapist now but he might escalate in the future and be on the same level. You’re in a very scary situation right now, please stop downplaying his behaviour. Your gut is absolutely right.

A normal guy would find out about someone (anyone! Not just a partner) being raped and he would be extra considerate of their feelings, and with their partner they would definitely be extra careful and gentle when it comes to sex, kissing, touching etc as he wouldn’t want to risk hurting you. A scummy creep like your man uses that information to his advantage to control their partner.

flakymate · 01/03/2021 03:52

I just can’t believe that he knows you’ve been raped yet doesn’t stop when you say no and downplays your feelings towards your boundaries being broken? How is he fundamentally any different?

I promise you that not all men are like this, you don’t have to be in a relationship like this

AmberItsACertainty · 01/03/2021 04:12

@lana135

He has just recently moved out. He comes to visit to see his son and give me a 'break' ever so often. He has only been moved out a week which is why I'm reluctant to break things off as we both really want to get therapy and work on building a healthier relationship

No, that's what you want. He doesn't want a healthier relationship. He wants control. You both could have a healthier relationship from tomorrow, all it would take is him respecting you. He doesn't want to do that. No amount of therapy is going to make him want to respect you.

Framing caring for his own child as "giving you a break" is ridiculous too. It should be seen as his duty as a good parent and something he wants to do, not something he's doing as a favour to you.

My ex was, amongst other things, an "inappropriate groper". Who likes being randomly groped anyway? But he'd do it in public, then tell me to relax that nobody saw because he'd checked. That's not the point. The point is I didn't like it so he shouldn't have done it.

When I saw a therapist I got "she's messing you up and putting things into your head, I don't like it". Yes, she was putting information on basic human rights and assertiveness into my head! Of course he didn't like it, he was losing control and it was at that point his behaviour drastically escalated and the everyday sexual assaults and casual violence became less sly and much more obvious.

OP just LTB. You can't fix this. It's only going to get worse.

AmberItsACertainty · 01/03/2021 04:20

He's also not giving you any space by coming round every day. You should sort out specific contact days for your son.

Good point.

OP contact days shouldn't take place in your home either. He takes DC out or to his home.

RantyAnty · 01/03/2021 07:07

Accidently bite him the next time he sticks his tongue down your throat.

Why is he coming over every day? He needs to give you some privacy and peace by yourself.

Is he working? Does he expect sex when he comes over?

Tangohead · 01/03/2021 08:05

Tell him to fuck off. He’s abusive and disgusting. There is no relationship as he seems to treat you like a piece of shit.

Sparklfairy · 01/03/2021 08:11

I've had the freedom program recommended before and funnily enough my boyfriend didn't want me to do it as he though I would 'think he was abusive and leave'

There you have it OP. He's admitted to you clear as day that he is abusive and you should leave. If he thought you were crazy and he was not abusive, he wouldn't have any problem with you doing the freedom program, would he?

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