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Original poster

DH questioned whether I had cheated

51 replies

LexiP88 · 26/02/2021 21:25

This will probably be a lengthy explanation. In mid-late Jan I discovered my DH had been in my phone and exported a chat from whatsapp with my best friend which he then emailed to himself. I discovered it in my sent box as he was stupid enough not to delete it. I caught it really quick and demanded he delete it and then delete again from his recycle bin. I have absolutely nothing to hide but I saw the whole thing as a gross invasion of my privacy and my best friends too. He slept in the spare room a couple of weeks, we never really talked about it and just moved forward.

So currently it looks like I am going through my 4th miscarriage. Its a strange one though. Last time we had unprotected sex was early Jan. Got my period right on time a couple weeks later. This month we haven't had sex at all. Period is a week late. Did a test out of curiosity and it came back positive. I know for certain conception could only have occured when we had sex in early Jan. My last LMP before then would put me at around 8-9 weeks pregnant. GP ran bloods and HCG is measuring as 369 which is low for how pregnant I should be. GP told me its suggestive of conception 2-3 weeks ago which I know is impossible and is likely a reflection this is another failed pregnancy (EPU are repeating bloods on Monday). Obviously I have been keeping DH in the loop. His response was "I know of one way 2-3 weeks is possible", his intonation was that I had been unfaithful. He did mean it this way as I asked him.

I'm absolutely fuming that he could think this of me when I have given him no reason too. We're in lockdown, I'm working from home full time and only leave the house 3-4 times a week for 30 mins to go for a run / the grocery shopping.

I really don't know where to go from here where his first response to low HCG levels is I must be cheating rather than it being a likely sign we are losing another pregnancy. All I know is I am so angry!

OP posts:
JungOwlWan · 26/02/2021 21:29

Wow, that is awful.

He must have a really low self-esteem to be so paranoid and to be spying on you and worst of all to be thinking that you cheated on him instead of trying to be supportive when you're having a miscarriage.

I'd find this such a turnoff.

Even if you were out and about meeting people, it'd still be a strange assumption ''oh, you must have cheated''.

There is a lot of low self-esteem, paranoia and projection going on there.

TableDesk · 26/02/2021 21:31

I am so so so so sorry and your DH is being such an insensitive prick Sad

I have no words of wisdom but please please concentrate on and look after yourself in the immediate future. Everything else can be dealt with later.

You are in my thoughts, what a horrid situation going through a possible MC without having to deal with the shite from your DH. I'm so cross on your behalf.

Take care x

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 26/02/2021 21:31

I'm absolutely fuming that he could think this of me when I have given him no reason too.

Sorry OP but you've given him a massive reason to, simply because of the dating. If he was posting on here he would absolutely be told that 100% you were cheating and that your behaviour in refusing to let him read the messages you sent your friend was further proof.

I am sorry for your pregnancy losses - if you are losing this one as you suspect (I hope you are not) then hopefully the doctor can explain to him/both of you how the mis-dating could occur.

If you're not miscarrying then unfortunately I think he's going to doubt all the way through the pregnancy until a DNA test can end the matter :(

NovemberR · 26/02/2021 21:32

Keep the anger.

Get rid of the husband. If this is his pathetic little boy approach, rather than supporting you through a miscarriage I could not bear to look at him again.

BlueThistles · 27/02/2021 01:27

@NovemberR

Keep the anger.

Get rid of the husband. If this is his pathetic little boy approach, rather than supporting you through a miscarriage I could not bear to look at him again.

this 🌺

PaterPower · 27/02/2021 05:30

I’m also sorry that you’re potentially miscarrying again.

Out of interest, is your best friend male or female? What was your husband expecting to find in the thread he emailed?

PaterPower · 27/02/2021 05:38

And I hate to say it, but there are many posts from women who’ve gone snooping around on their partner’s communications for very little good reason at all.

Some of the justifications are nothing more than “I have a gut feeling” and the general consensus is usually “you must trust your gut” rather than “what the fuck are you doing?”

Your husband might have no objectively good reason for invading your privacy, or for distrusting you, but paranoia can creep into lots of relationships.

Theunamedcat · 27/02/2021 05:42

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I'm absolutely fuming that he could think this of me when I have given him no reason too.

Sorry OP but you've given him a massive reason to, simply because of the dating. If he was posting on here he would absolutely be told that 100% you were cheating and that your behaviour in refusing to let him read the messages you sent your friend was further proof.

I am sorry for your pregnancy losses - if you are losing this one as you suspect (I hope you are not) then hopefully the doctor can explain to him/both of you how the mis-dating could occur.

If you're not miscarrying then unfortunately I think he's going to doubt all the way through the pregnancy until a DNA test can end the matter :(

Umm its her fourth miscarriage surely as a trusting life partner you would assume that first?

Op what sparked him off? Its not normal to wake up one day and accuse your wife of cheating

Aprilx · 27/02/2021 05:42

I think he is being ridiculous considering the lack of opportunity. But everything else you have said, well I can’t think of any other logical explanation, so I can’t damn him for not understanding either.

Magnificentmug12 · 27/02/2021 05:58

That’s shit, the invasion of privacy and then the doctor saying 2-3 weeks on top is just all massively bad timing. He obviously had a reason to snoop (not a valid one, maybe just a thought that popped into his head) and then with the doctor on top he probably feels this confirms it.

His being irrational and not seeing sense but rather imagining a outlandish situation! Especially If you leave the house for exercise or shopping.

You need to look after yourself first, your priority number one, then maybe in time address the husband problem you have. Maybe he has a genuine reason, midlife crisis, mental health problems etc, or maybe his just a dick?

Good luck op!

Original poster
LexiP88 · 27/02/2021 09:56

Thank you all for your responses

@PaterPower my best friend is female.

Re: potential trigger. When we had the blow up after I found he had been in my phone, one of the things that came up was that he thought when I said I was going the gym I was actually going to see someone. When gyms have been open in the last year I do go 3-4 times a week. Its a huge stress outlet for me. Plus with all the miscarriages I've had a unhealthy relationship with my body (seeing it as a failure) and going the gym, achieving goals and personal bests has helped with that. Through going the gym (and home workouts during lockdown) I have lost weight and my confidence has improved a lot. I don't know if he finds that a struggle as I have always had low self-esteem.

Him going through my phone was kind of the final straw as there were other things I havent been happy about. He has been furloughed on and off whilst I still have been working full time. I understand that has been hard on him. But I had thought he might help out more with things round the house. Instead, I was expected to do all the chores I already do whilst he just sat around gaming all day.

As others has said. What upsets me is I am likely going through my 4th miscarriage after almost 2 years of ttc (we have no other children) and I want support from my DH, not unfounded accusations. This isn't the first time I have felt unsupported by him when it comes to our difficulties ttc either. Last year his sister announced she was pregnant (after ttc for only a couple of months) and I really struggled with that. He couldn't accept why I was struggling.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 27/02/2021 10:43

Do you really want a future with this man?

Itstimetoquit · 27/02/2021 10:56

He's an insensitive asshole,why do you want to be with him? X

doitwithlove · 27/02/2021 11:32

You really have to question how you feel about going forward with this man.

WoodchipWoodchip · 27/02/2021 14:23

I was expected to do all the chores I already do whilst he just sat around gaming all day

Stop TTC, start looking for a solicitor?

I don't think it's a huge stretch to say you can do better than a lazy, paranoid sulker for the father of your future children...

Haffiana · 27/02/2021 14:33

Him going through my phone was kind of the final straw as there were other things I havent been happy about. He has been furloughed on and off whilst I still have been working full time. I understand that has been hard on him. But I had thought he might help out more with things round the house. Instead, I was expected to do all the chores I already do whilst he just sat around gaming all day.

This is how it will be when you have a baby as well.

Please OP, choose wisely who will be the father of your precious future children.

pinkyredrose · 27/02/2021 14:59

Sorry you're going through this Flowers

He sounds awful, do you even like him?

LouHotel · 27/02/2021 15:08

Greatest respect OP him being on furlough and not doing extra at home is a massive preview to how he will be when you have a baby to look after.

Please look after yourself and consider why your settling for this man.

Original poster
LexiP88 · 27/02/2021 15:52

Thank you for all the support everyone. Believe me I have been thinking about whether this is the future I want for me or any children I may have. I was giving serious consideration to divorce when we were sleeping in different rooms. The thing is, we have been together 12 years and I don't want to rush into throwing that all away. Its only been the last year with Covid and being around each other a lot more and since having the fertility problems that the cracks have really started to show so I do want to give him a chance to change. But more and more it feels like we are just 2 people who live in the same house.

My biggest fear is that on Monday the blood results show my HCG is increasing which he will interpret as I have definitely cheated. Then I feel awful as I'm pretty much hoping this is another miscarriage as I can't imagine having to go through 9 months of him believing this isn't his baby and having to then raise that child with him. I'm not lying when I say I haven't cheated. Even when I was explaining to him why HCG levels could be low (likely sign of another failed pregnancy) I felt like I was overexplaining and making myself look guilty. Which is crazy when I know I have nothing to feel guilty about!

I'm not going to pretend I'm the perfect wife. I'm not. Sometimes I can be lazy, I can be quick to be in a mood or argue. But I own that stuff. He doesn't own his flaws.

We've got a video call with his family later and I hate that I am expected to pretend everything is absolutely fine and carry on as normal.

OP posts:
Windinmyhair · 27/02/2021 15:57

I'm sorry for your losses.

If he isn't doing his fair share when he is furloughed and you are working - imagine what it would be like if you had children. Can you imagine him getting up and letting you have a lie in, or doing the housework so you can have a sit down having been up all night, or cooking his fair share of meals?

If not then why bother? Its not fun having children with a lazy man child, let alone one who is jealous and selfish.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/02/2021 16:00

Duck out of the call, say you’ve got a headache.

Having had multiple mcs I empathise with what you’re going through. Having a fantastically supportive husband who was nothing but amazing through it all I cannot begin to understand why yours is being like this. It’s appalling.

I’m still not clear what him snooping and sending himself a chat between you and your female best friend has to do with him accusing you of cheating. Maybe I’ve missed something.

Scarydinosaurs · 27/02/2021 16:02

I think this is one of the most awful things I’ve ever read on here. I’m so sorry for your previous losses, and given the timeline you’ve shared, possibly another loss.

Although you’ve been together 12 years, that doesn’t mean you’re obliged to stay with him now. These are two huge incidents of gross mistrust on his part. I’m afraid if he is at the point of snooping on your phone and accusing you of cheating and conceiving a baby with another man, then you don’t have much of a relationship left.

Eckhart · 27/02/2021 16:03

I'm not going to pretend I'm the perfect wife. I'm not. Sometimes I can be lazy, I can be quick to be in a mood or argue. But I own that stuff. He doesn't own his flaws

Out of curiosity, are you quick to argue/moody with other people? Is that representative of you as a personality, or is that just in your relationship with him?

Original poster
LexiP88 · 27/02/2021 16:06

@AnneLovesGilbert

He knows me and my best friend talk about everything so I assume he thought I would tell her if I was? Only other thing I can think is during all the lockdowns me and her have gone for walks almost once a week so maybe he was trying to check we had actually arranged things and that I was with her when I said I was?

Honestly it baffles me so I can imagine why it would be confusing for someone else to make sense of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
LexiP88 · 27/02/2021 16:08

@Eckhart good question. Generally I would say I have a pretty low frustration tolerance so not specific to him. But I probably modulate it more with friends and others than him.

OP posts:
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