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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH questioned whether I had cheated

51 replies

LexiP88 · 26/02/2021 21:25

This will probably be a lengthy explanation. In mid-late Jan I discovered my DH had been in my phone and exported a chat from whatsapp with my best friend which he then emailed to himself. I discovered it in my sent box as he was stupid enough not to delete it. I caught it really quick and demanded he delete it and then delete again from his recycle bin. I have absolutely nothing to hide but I saw the whole thing as a gross invasion of my privacy and my best friends too. He slept in the spare room a couple of weeks, we never really talked about it and just moved forward.

So currently it looks like I am going through my 4th miscarriage. Its a strange one though. Last time we had unprotected sex was early Jan. Got my period right on time a couple weeks later. This month we haven't had sex at all. Period is a week late. Did a test out of curiosity and it came back positive. I know for certain conception could only have occured when we had sex in early Jan. My last LMP before then would put me at around 8-9 weeks pregnant. GP ran bloods and HCG is measuring as 369 which is low for how pregnant I should be. GP told me its suggestive of conception 2-3 weeks ago which I know is impossible and is likely a reflection this is another failed pregnancy (EPU are repeating bloods on Monday). Obviously I have been keeping DH in the loop. His response was "I know of one way 2-3 weeks is possible", his intonation was that I had been unfaithful. He did mean it this way as I asked him.

I'm absolutely fuming that he could think this of me when I have given him no reason too. We're in lockdown, I'm working from home full time and only leave the house 3-4 times a week for 30 mins to go for a run / the grocery shopping.

I really don't know where to go from here where his first response to low HCG levels is I must be cheating rather than it being a likely sign we are losing another pregnancy. All I know is I am so angry!

OP posts:

Seadad · 27/02/2021 16:14

I think you've explained that you've been harbouring resentment-and seem more irritated than concerned at his paranoia. I think when a partner begins to pull away or appears disconnected or disinterested someone will Tey to figure it out. And one of the obvious reasons is that they might be involved with someone else.
From what you've said it sounds like your relationship has been declining in intimacy and connection. I'm sure he will be mortified - but it really is very common for people to snoop rather than confront when they know things aren't right. And they aren't are they OP?

Sparkletastic · 27/02/2021 16:27

I think if this pregnancy doesn't work out then you should take some time to think about what you want your future to look like. You've been with DH for some time but the experiences you've had show him in a new light. He seems threatened by your independence and growing confidence and that isn't a good sign for your marriage.

Original poster

LexiP88 · 27/02/2021 16:28

@Seadad Yeah I've definitely been harbouring resentment. But I do also try and talk to him about issues such as the furlough thing. Thing us, he is very defensive anytime I level any kind of criticism at him. I guess we all get like that but because he gets so defensive things dont change so the resentment continues.

Yeah I'm more irritated than concerned about the snooping. But thats the kind of person I am generally. I'm very anti "big brother is watching" so for him to go through my phone my first response was anger rather than concern. Especially since from my point of view it was unjustifiable

I've been disconnected, but so has he. Who knows which of us began disconnecting first. Things aren't right, of course they're not. But I don't understand why his first thought for that would be that "she must be cheating" especially given our history and out of the 2 of us only one of us has been unfaithful in past relationships and that is him. I've also been trying really hard to maintain intimacy. Things like hugs, kisses, holding hands etc. is always initiated by me and I've continued to try and work at that to reconnect

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 27/02/2021 16:35

If it is very sadly a miscarriage, take the opportunity to leave this abusive man.

If the pregnancy continues, I would give serious thought to "confessing" to cheating on him and then move away. Co-parenting with a man like this is impossible and detrimental to both mother AND child. If he believes the child isnt his, that could be your and your child's chance to escape a life of emotional abuse.

Think carefully about your next move OP. Keep your cards close to your chest. Make your move first and tell him only once you've done it.

Ninkanink · 27/02/2021 16:39

Thank you for all the support everyone. Believe me I have been thinking about whether this is the future I want for me or any children I may have.

I’m sorry, as I know it’s difficult, but I can answer that definitively for you:

This really is not the future you should want for yourself and your potential children.

Leave while there is nothing tying you to this man. He isn’t good for you.

Welikebeingcosy · 27/02/2021 16:44

Have you thought about maybe your body is trying to tell you that this isn't the right guy to be a parent with?
I had a similar situation with a miscarriage with a jealous type where it didn't show up for ages (I think they call it a missed miscarriage) and he accused me of making the whole thing up and questioned how it would even be his.
You have to think about if you would want this guy to be your rock at the birth and in the early weeks of motherhood where your body needs healing and you might want space and if he would even be jealous of your relationship with the baby?

Original poster

LexiP88 · 27/02/2021 16:55

@Welikebeingcosy Gosh I hadn't even thought of things in that way. But I think you definitely raise important points for me to consider in my decision making. Thank you for highlighting that

OP posts:

PaterPower · 27/02/2021 16:55

“If the pregnancy continues, I would give serious thought to "confessing" to cheating on him and then move away. Co-parenting with a man like this is impossible and detrimental to both mother AND child. If he believes the child isnt his, that could be your and your child's chance to escape a life of emotional abuse.”

WTAF have I just read? You’d really advise the OP to lie and take away her child’s right to know their father (and his chance to be an involved Dad) because their current relationship is dysfunctional?

He’s done nothing more or less abusive than the many hundreds of women that post on this board who’ve either already been through their partner’s phone or are asking for advice on how to do it! Would you suggest that they’re unfit to be a parent off the back of that behaviour?

There are lots of what could be viewed as red flags in how OP has behaved. She’s lost weight and become more assertive, there’ve been times she’s not shared a bed with him, she was “going to the gym” multiple times a week, they’ve become distant with each other, the dates on her pregnancy don’t seem to add up.

She’s done nothing wrong, but you can see how someone (male or female), who’s already in a bad mental space with the furlough situation, the existing strains on the relationship etc, could add 2+2 and get to 5.

DinosaurDiana · 27/02/2021 16:58

Sorry , not read the whole thread but could he have had sex with you and you weren’t aware of it ?

Cokie3 · 27/02/2021 17:01

I was going to say that usually when a man is this paranoid for no good reason and knows you have no way to cheat, he accuses you of doing what he is doing - cheating. Then you say he was unfaithful in a past relationship. Is he mainly at home? Is it possible he is 'protesting too much' and accusing you of cheating because he himself is having an affair?

Original poster

LexiP88 · 27/02/2021 17:02

@PaterPower I get how my behaviour could constitute red flags which is why I have tried to be considerate of his position. I guess I just hoped after 12 years he would know me and talk to me about his concerns. But I also get that people do randomly change after many years

@DinosaurDiana not a chance. I'm a super light sleeper!

OP posts:

SixesAndEights · 27/02/2021 17:05

@DinosaurDiana

Sorry , not read the whole thread but could he have had sex with you and you weren’t aware of it ?

This is what I wondered.

I hope you gather the strength to see that carrying on with this man is the road to more and more unhappiness.

Original poster

LexiP88 · 27/02/2021 17:06

@Cokie3 I have no reason to believe he is being unfaithful. He was unfaithful in past relationships but when much younger and he has never given me any reason to believe it. I'd like to think I'd know the signs having been cheated on before. But of course I might not.

OP posts:

RhymesWithOrange · 27/02/2021 17:11

His behaviour has been really, really shitty. That he hasn't in any way acknowledged that or apologised for it is a massive warning sign for the future and if you do stay together I'd suggest some couples counselling to deal with that.

for your pregnancy, I really hope it works out for you.

Seadad · 27/02/2021 17:49

He does need to apologise- and see that he needs to be supportive. I think if you've been trying to maintain intimacy and keep talking then he needs to show up or show himself up?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 27/02/2021 17:58

Instead, I was expected to do all the chores I already do whilst he just sat around gaming all day.

I think this is much more of an issue to be very honest. He's just given you a preview of parenting with him. Is that what you want?

Also interesting phrasing. "I was expected" - whose expectation was that? His? How did he phrase that to you, and why did you agree?

Original poster

LexiP88 · 27/02/2021 18:05

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I agree and I have said that. His response is I am being unfair and making judgements on his future behaviour based on now when the circumstances will be different. I'm not convinced.

The expectation thing was kind of unspoken. We do divide household chores 50/50. But he didn't offer to take up anything else. For example, one thing I do is laundry (we iron our own clothes though). If I hadn't have continued to do laundry we wouldn't have any clothes! Whereas if it were reversed I'm the type of person who would be like "don't worry abouy X, I'll sort it as I have more time than you at the moment".

OP posts:

Sparkletastic · 27/02/2021 18:07

He could be projecting his guilt about past cheating onto you.

SoulofanAggron · 27/02/2021 19:31

I get how my behaviour could constitute red flags

@LexiP88 I don't at all, you've done nothing wrong. His thing with spying on your private convo with a friend was not ok. His comment about your pregnancy was awful, especially as he is the one who's cheated in the past.

Even if your pregnancy irons itself out (and I hope it does if that's what you want) I think he's not the best guy. You (and your LO if all straightens itself out) would be be better off without him.

If you do lose the baby, then I'd suggest avoiding sex or secretly going on some contraception while you make plans to leave.

TurquoiseDragon · 27/02/2021 19:40

But I don't understand why his first thought for that would be that "she must be cheating" especially given our history and out of the 2 of us only one of us has been unfaithful in past relationships and that is him.

If he's been unfaithful before, he'll think that everyone is like him and is projecting that you might be cheating. HHe'll think you are capable of donig this, juust because he is.

TableDesk · 28/02/2021 22:15

Thinking of you @LexiP88 for your results tomorrow

gannett · 01/03/2021 07:41

OP nothing in your behaviour is a red flag. HIS behaviour is the red flag - irrational jealousy and paranoia. Snooping through your phone would be a red line for me. Reacting to a potential miscarriage with suspicion tells you a lot about where his heart is at. And it doesn't sound like you have much love left for him either, really.

You say you don't want to throw 12 years away - that's the sunk cost fallacy. Moving on isn't throwing it away. It wasn't a waste just because it wasn't forever. It would be a waste of your next few years to cling on to it.

(And this isn't related to your situation, but it is certainly the case that MN almost always tells women to snoop and invade their partners' privacy, and justifies that because "always trust your gut". Maybe your DH asked for advice here first because he's acting like posters are always told to.)

Onelifeonly · 01/03/2021 07:55

It doesn't really matter who has done or said what here. This relationship doesn't sound like it's working for either of you at the moment. If you both want it to, you need to work on that and, if you are not pregnant, stop ttc until you have sorted it out.

Lack of trust in each other and habits that annoy will only magnify as time goes on and a baby will only exacerbate this.

isitsafetocomeoutyet · 01/03/2021 08:20

I'm so sorry. What a horrible situation.

I can't tell you what to do. But its pretty horrific to be hoping for a miscarriage as the best option.

Has this attitude of his only come out during lockdown? Or do you think it was always there but now being together 24/7 you've just noticed it more. Or has it been a response to your new confidence and appearance?

It's not to condone his behaviour. Searching through someone's phone with no basis is a massive breach of trust. And don't get me started on accusing you of an affair instead of supporting you through a possible miscarriage.

Thinking of you today

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/03/2021 13:12

Thinking of you today OP

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