How to handle a smear campaign?

[Mintypylonsfryingsurplus]

I am looking to wise MNetters as I am too involved emotionally and trying to work out what to do for best is giving me anxiety.

My DH has quite a large family. The self styled head of the family is BIL and SIL.
They try to rule the rest of the family to their own personal agenda. The BIL has some very unpleasant traits (rascist, sexist, self obsessed, arrogant and is a bully)
His immediate echo chamber take his lead.
BIL will target a member of the family who has 'wronged him' for example not invited him to a certain event and the create a hate campaign of bullying and spite.
Well since lockdown 1 its been me and DH turn.
Our crime? For not joining in with zoom chats where we were targeted for bullying by him and echo chamber.
We withdrew. I suffered very poor health so have spent a year trying to recover.
In this time not one enquiry as to how we are/doing.
We withdrew further to get on with difficult circumstances. Deaths and poor health in my side of family too much to go into here, but suffice it to say like a lot of people year from hell.
Final straw was I had a big birthday in lockdown never so much got a card, but to rub face in they all made huge fuss of three extended family members.
I kept my cool and stepped further back. But I noticed that several others are tresting me very cool to the point I am a total outsider.
Now out of blue BIL has messaged DH saying my behaviour will make meeting up for family stuff will be awkward due to me?
I know for a fact I am now being smeared to the other family members who I have no problem with and always were ok to me?
What would you do?
I am not keen to meet the toxic ones at all. But my DH caught in middle...

Ignore. Block. Grey rock.
Don't engage in the drama.

Honestly, with family like that who needs enemies? Why on earth would you want them in your life? DH needs to back you and step away from them.

I'd tell them all to fuck off me (and have done in the past). Your bloke can go alone if he wants or can tell them to fuck off as well.

The only advice I can offer is based on my own experiences. We (DH and I) elected to decrease contact with my family members and we now talk only superficially about things (weather and so on). Nothing personal. We ignore anything that could draw us into any conflict, as difficult as that us, as when we have attempted to defend ourselves, we have been ignored/not believed/increased the vitriol/slander.

Your DH' s family have shown you what they are. Believe them.

@Silenceisgolden20 thank you not sure to retaliate to 'clear my name' but yes maybe ignoring them is better. I do feel DH needs to back me up but is clearly still wanting approval. My toxic BIL and SIL are very much you with them or against them. Last year a similar campaign against a family member and we were all encouraged/brainwashed into joining in. But like Trump he is very divisive. The talk of family gathering in summer is accelerating. I just do not want to be around them. But my DH is to hold my head up high and not let it get to me?
We had a mutual friends birthday in lockdown over zoom, I did keep my dignity and they totally dominated the zoom chat to the point that others left. But they delighted in making me feel awkward.

Thank you to the posters 😊 yep I so want to tell them to fuck off but it backs up the lies they have spread. I was going to confront the ringleaders but yes they thrive on that drama. As if this time hasnt been hard enough. But yes they have shown me who they are. I will let him go on his own. I want to spend time with people who actually care not tread on eggshells with these aresholes.

What does your DH think of this behaviour from BIL and SIL?. His reactions are key here. BIL is trying to use your DH (who he sees as the weak link here) as a "flying monkey" to get to him and you. These are also the sort of tactics narcissistic people use on their chosen target or scapegoat.

Would further lower all contact levels now to zero sum and if you cannot fully remove yourself from social media then further raise your privacy settings. You cannot at all reason with these people and you owe these people nothing, let alone a relationship. It is anyway not possible to have a relationship with someone like described.

Do not JADE such people; i.e. justify, argue, defend or explain. Toxic people like you describe like nothing more than a fight or the last word.

Your DH is likely mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt re them and wanting their approval is all very much still a part of that. He needs to realise that his own inertia re these people hurts him just as much as you and he does not need their approval, not that they would give this to him anyway. His loyalty should be to you primarily, not his family who will also continue to scapegoat him.

Can he not send a message to say Minty has suffered very poor health this year and we have been focused on this. That you consider this to be "bad behaviour" is both bizarre and disappointing. I don't feel the need to make any further comment.

It's reasonably dignified and (hopefully) shows that BIL is the dickhead here.

@AttilaTheMeerkat that is a really good explanation I did not know what JADE meant but yes totally pointless! When we called them out over bullying they said it was 'banter' but I thought banter was 2 way light hearted not nasty comments aimed to hurt? I have unfriended them and echo chamber now so they extended flying monkies to other family members (one owes him money) my DH always been the scapegoat and least 'popular' anyway and agrees they are bein awful but doesnt want to lose all of his family as the hate campaign ramps up and BIL now recruiting supporters against us. Its such a shame when you have literally done nothing wrong.

@NovemberR that is a great response I so wish he would do this. Part of me feels like my name needs to be cleared but another part just thinks let them get on with their sad little lives. Its been incredibly hurtful at a time when a kind word from them would have been preferable. Other OP's are right though. Narcs like this are hard work. Its clear if I dont 'play the game, massage their egos, endlessly agree/ suck up' I will never be in their little circle of trust. Sod that going forward will focus on my family and friends. Even though spent years trying to be 'accepted' and included on their terms. How fucked up is that!

You will never ever ' win'against narcissistic behaviour.
Your DH family are toxic. He needs to come to terms with that and step away.
You don't need to clear your name as you have done nothing wrong to clear
You don't need their approval.
The only way is to have no contact. It is the only way. It will only continue.

Since they've done this to other family members, others will have their number and know how they are.
They love creating drama and little triangles.

What happened to their previous victims? Did they finally start treating them like humans again so they can use them to bully you?

The only thing you can do is block them and completely ignore them.
Any zoom, family gathering, etc. where they are, you don't have to go.

If DH wants to be around them, that is up to him.

Don't zoom. Don't engage
Don't protest. It will all be twisted and you will never ever get what you want from them.
You don't need to justify or defend yourself. They are not above you and their feelings are not more important than yours.

@Silenceisgolden20 I am thinking you are right. Such a shame though...how sad its got to come to this. How awful to target people just because you can. Its marred coming out of lockdown in summer. I probably need to accept its never going to change. BIL not once had courage to face me its like he is trying to turn my DH against me. Why cant families be kinder to each other so sad.

You're an adult, you don't have to go to family gatherings you don't want to to prove some made up point of theirs.
Don't waste your time with people that being you down.

Because some families are shit and toxic. They don't know how to function any other way and have been conditioned from a young age to behave this way.
You need to grieve the family you don't have
Same with DH.

@RantyAnty There becomes a pecking order. One extended family member tolerates their behaviour and triangulates. Another sticks up for herself and only attends 'big events' one family member is really nice to us and neutral but now is also being targeted as not totally in their camp. The whole shitshow is so exhausting like american high school! I think others are realising the truth. They always trash who ever is absent so people must realise it goes on behind their back too. Blimey typing this out they really are toxic! No wonder I used to ferl physically ill being around them as 'defending others' got me really bullied by them! DH can deal with them In future.

I don't really understand the echo chambers and flying monkeys stuff or what exactly they've done.

They had "banter" with you on zoom but you weren't on zoom? You just haven't engaged with them due to poor health and personal issues and now you've deleted them on your social media.

Well, yes, if my SIL had just deleted us all I would send a message to my brother asking why and suggesting it might be a bit awkward at family gatherings if we can't sort it out.

Similar happened to me - we distanced ourselves from BIL(DH’s brother) and SIL as they could barely disguise the fact they hated us, we’re constantly making snarky remarks. Then BIL got sick and I believe it all got twisted as though we didn’t care and I was the one who was stopping dh from contacting them (truth was he did contact them in the beginning but was made to feel very uncomfortable by SIL) in the end he just gave up as he couldn’t be arsed any more and saw them for the toxic people they are.
MIL and FIL became very distant from us and we felt there was an atmosphere when we met up with other family members.
We just totally distanced ourselves - don’t have much to do with any of them and we both like it that way. Once you learn to let go and not care what people like that think it’s very liberating. It helps that I have a lovely, supportive family that doesn’t argue so I know what a healthy family looks like!
Funnily enough MIL and FIL have mentioned in recent times that they can’t stand SIL - it seems they have now taken off their rose coloured specs - but I just keep Schtum - I’m not getting involved!

Also, unless someone has experienced the true extent of a toxic family, they will not understand.

@DavidsSchitt

I don't really understand the echo chambers and flying monkeys stuff or what exactly they've done.

They had "banter" with you on zoom but you weren't on zoom? You just haven't engaged with them due to poor health and personal issues and now you've deleted them on your social media.

Well, yes, if my SIL had just deleted us all I would send a message to my brother asking why and suggesting it might be a bit awkward at family gatherings if we can't sort it out.

Then read up on it as it exists. Don't dismiss it if you don't know what it is

Now out of blue BIL has messaged DH saying my behaviour will make meeting up for family stuff will be awkward due to me?
I know for a fact I am now being smeared to the other family members who I have no problem with and always were ok to me?

Bil is a " flying monkey"
Sent to pile the pressure on you.
Dont retaliate, dont explain.

Remember being The Golden Ones = Top Bum Wipers in the future...
They won't be calling on you for care and shopping done. You have dodged bullets op..

@DavidsSchitt an echo chamber is a group of people with little individuality that agree with ringleader without knowing the facts or the truth. Flying monkies are the echo chamber but also will engage in behaviours that the ring leader does not want to do himself or to shit stir. The banter on zoom was start of lockdown 1 for about 6 weeks, as my health got worse and I tired of banter I did not join in further zoom calls. I deleted them off social media as they did not engage with me on there, SIL would reguarly post ' my kettle is on' type of shit without once commenting on SM or real life despite me being very ill as it took focus off them. Lastly why not ask me instead of going to brother with a nasty message. Surely if you are worried you ask the person involved directly instead of school yard games? Surely you would realise if someone has deleted you it indicates that there may be a problem? Or it could be innocent but the fact he outright said it would be awkward shows he is to blame and that yes I have a problem.

Ha ha yep they can crack on! Luckily my family are great and we have amazing friends so best to let them get on with their dramas. So sad to hear other posters on here experienced the same. It all gets very nasty when people take sides. I guess in time the truth reveals itself. You all helped so thank you! Actually the thought of standing in garden at a BBQ listening to them brag/bully/ bitch about others makes me realise life too short to spend time with people who you dislike but feel pressured to attend.