How to handle a smear campaign?

[Mintypylonsfryingsurplus]

I am looking to wise MNetters as I am too involved emotionally and trying to work out what to do for best is giving me anxiety.

My DH has quite a large family. The self styled head of the family is BIL and SIL.
They try to rule the rest of the family to their own personal agenda. The BIL has some very unpleasant traits (rascist, sexist, self obsessed, arrogant and is a bully)
His immediate echo chamber take his lead.
BIL will target a member of the family who has 'wronged him' for example not invited him to a certain event and the create a hate campaign of bullying and spite.
Well since lockdown 1 its been me and DH turn.
Our crime? For not joining in with zoom chats where we were targeted for bullying by him and echo chamber.
We withdrew. I suffered very poor health so have spent a year trying to recover.
In this time not one enquiry as to how we are/doing.
We withdrew further to get on with difficult circumstances. Deaths and poor health in my side of family too much to go into here, but suffice it to say like a lot of people year from hell.
Final straw was I had a big birthday in lockdown never so much got a card, but to rub face in they all made huge fuss of three extended family members.
I kept my cool and stepped further back. But I noticed that several others are tresting me very cool to the point I am a total outsider.
Now out of blue BIL has messaged DH saying my behaviour will make meeting up for family stuff will be awkward due to me?
I know for a fact I am now being smeared to the other family members who I have no problem with and always were ok to me?
What would you do?
I am not keen to meet the toxic ones at all. But my DH caught in middle...

It has been really useful to hear the different perspectives on this. Not putting on here the many varied details has been as mentioned previously to not only out myself, but also the whole 'he said, she said' is not the point? BIL has created an ongoing campaign towards me to the point I seeked advice on here.
The way it has made me feel and how others in the family now treat me is the outcome regardless of how this was communicated.
I think posters on here are right when they see that my DH is quite passive in this. I agree, and having now spoken to him and told him its made me lose respect for him, he is going to challenge his Brother.
He feels very hurt, as I am sure any of you would too. Strangely enough throughout lockdown and not seeing them hus confidence has grown and is more assertive. I guess years of bullying got to him too. But my DH is a really lovely person who sees good in everyone, but even he says now, the guy is a toss pot. Confronting him is another matter.
There has been times I gave wanted to defend myself, but months of ill health have just left me depleted. Also as others have said on here its a bit of power for me to not fuel it. Truth is I just do not like them so it makes sense that after lockdown eases and we all miss others we really care about, that I just let it cease to be top of my social wish list.
Its really hurt him. Even his own M and F not been in contact since Xmas.
We just looking fwd to seeing other family and friends now.

I can't see why you should have to give people extra details. Bil is a twat end of. And not just to you, other family members are aware. My advice would be carry on grey rocking them and cut them out for good. You will both be happier for it. If challenged just say 'we have our reasons and not willing to discuss it'. Take back that power, it's your life and you choose who you give time to.

@Bagamoyo1

I would stand up for myself. By backing off, you’re basically letting everyone believe BIL is telling the truth. I would draft an email with a timeline of events from your point of view, saying why you did what you did at each stage, and send it to all of them. That way, the people who aren’t directly involved, can make their own decisions, rather than following BIL. I know that MN generally supports a “delete, block, go NC” policy with unpleasant relatives, But I think that is much harder in real life than it sounds in a chat forum. But that’s just me - I like to fight my corner and stick up for myself, rather than crawling away and letting everyone think they were right all along.

It's not crawling along. It is a well used technique to block and ignore because 'standing up for yourself'only fules their power supply. They love it. They will love the fight and use it against you.

You can never ever win because toxic people arent rational. They love the attention that they have to got you.

The OP doesn't have to prove anything to stand up for.

Your post is really bad advice

Also by ignoring, shows they are not worthy of your time or effort. They are nothing. It will drive them mad you're not playing. They will have no power. They can only fight with silence.

As in, your silence

@Silenceisgolden20

Also by ignoring, shows they are not worthy of your time or effort. They are nothing. It will drive them mad you're not playing. They will have no power. They can only fight with silence.

Totally agree!

Actually knowing BIL like I do, ignoring him WILL send him loco. He can ignore people, dish out punishments, critisicms, nasty bullying comments, but god forbid you do the same. One time he was really making fun of my clothes, calling me a tramp, and other derogatory comments such as scruffy ( had been gardening) as a reply I made a comment about his shoes. He literally stormed off swearing and shouting. I grovelled to him for being nasty and apologised! That was very early on in my relationship with DH where I badly wanted to be accepted into the 'firm' what on earth was I thinking!! He has the monolopy on dishing it out. Will be absolutely bewildered by my ignoring him.

Why is your DH going to walk into the trap of calling is brother out? It’s just handing him the bullets to shoot him.

Your DH will be mauled and the BIL will love it.

These types NEVER change - so your DH will not get what he wants - an apology, an epiphany and a positive change in behaviour.

He will get the opposite and will hand over ammo for the smearing to escalate now with “evidence” and content from what was said or texted.

Just keep a low profile until BIL chooses his next victim - you know his MO - it’s just a matter of time.

Yes I wouldn’t have DH challenge BIL at all, it will not end well and will just fuel the flames of BIL narc rage.

I’ve been where you are, the extension of the scapegoated family member and the unlucky recipient of several smear campaigns that decimated my mental health and actually destroyed my relationship in the long run. So I do get how you’re feeling and what you’re up against, for me the only thing that worked was as PP have suggested total grey rock.

Literally we just ignored them, resisted their goading and watched them implode from the inside out. It was quite hilarious really, once BIL realises you won’t be his supply anymore he’ll scramble to find the next one sharpish so just wait it out for now.

Thank you for that advice I do agree! When I mentioned to DH that confronting his B is not a good idea he said he wants to stick up for me and show the rest of the family that we have done nothing wrong.
I told him to leave it but he upset that the rest of the family are now not contacting him at all. I feel so sad for him. I think he even blames me a little now for not just putting up with it all gor a quiet life!
BIL now ramped it up by moving on to mutual friends. I know a few of them will keep out of it and say its mot their business, but he fawning over them with promises of hosting gatherings and duch like where we are clearly excluded.
Some people really are poison.

With friends and other family just be your usual kind self. Send appropriate small gifts for birthdays and Christmas with cards.

If they bring up BIL just have a bland neutral shut down "oh let's not get in to that I want to know how you are! BIL knows where we are if he ever wants to apologise"

Or similar.

You may end up distanced from all DH family but if you are both always neutral and kind to them and about BIL you leave the door open to have a relationship in the future.

@Mintypylonsfryingsurplus

Thank you for that advice I do agree! When I mentioned to DH that confronting his B is not a good idea he said he wants to stick up for me and show the rest of the family that we have done nothing wrong. I told him to leave it but he upset that the rest of the family are now not contacting him at all. I feel so sad for him. I think he even blames me a little now for not just putting up with it all gor a quiet life! BIL now ramped it up by moving on to mutual friends. I know a few of them will keep out of it and say its mot their business, but he fawning over them with promises of hosting gatherings and duch like where we are clearly excluded. Some people really are poison.

Couple of things here OP. Your DH doesn’t need to stick up for you with a confrontation to prove that you have done nothing wrong to the rest of the family (that approach will set BIL off a Catherine Wheel) - it will be futile, stoke the flames and you will both be worse off.

Tell your DH that he is not to do this on your behalf - that you are 100% confident and capable of protecting yourself with your NC / LC / grey rock technique - actions not words is your approach.

I suspect though that you are correct that your DH will be unsettled with this strategy and “blame” you for not doing the usual put up and shut up.....because this is all he knows - he is scared of his bully brother and doesn’t know anything else. So reassure him that you will all be fine well out of it. If you are calm and confident then he will either grow with you or tolerate the shit alone.

With respect to mutual friends - again don’t rise to it. Sounds like he is almost demanding your attendance at his events by inviting mutual friends putting you in a situation where either you look a sulky twat for not attending or you do attend and he publicly humiliates you.

Don’t go. Host your own stuff with these mutual friends if you wish - get in ahead of his dates that would really piss him off.

Don’t worry what he says to them - they know you and they know him - they already have their opinions formed. If they do bring anything up - play dumb, don’t engage, change topic. If they are persistent might have to shift the gears on that friendship for a bit.

Honestly once you detach from BIL’s shenanigans - you will be able to sit right back, pull out the popcorn and observe what a total pantomime it really is with all the predictable characters and everything playing out the same each time. It’s v empowering to be in the audience.

@Sssloou great advice thank you! Yep I agree just baffled that people like BIL can be so nasty who really enjoys stirring up that amount of trouble! I totally agree I feel very manipulated. I have already had one mutual friend message me 'fishing' I just messaged back with other news and totally ignored the fishing. I think they got the hint. But clearly its being ramped up. Others will soon get bored when I dont fuel it. Its been horrible though and if your own family treat you like that it makes me despair of some humans. Especially in these really hard times. Would love to hear from posters how the smearers got their come uppance.
But I guess that me coming from my iwn place of hurt. Probably best to just focus on positive people who would not treat me like shit in the future.

Jesus. He sounds unhinged. Just don't engage at all. I'd just tell the nice people of the family what you are doing, and you won't tolerate nasty, childish behaviour, but they can crack on (in fact kids would get pulled up about this sort of bullying). There's no need for it. Step back, don't arrange to see them or anything. Let them carry on in their strange games. Honestly, I wouldn't put up with this shit.

Op, these people are deeply unhappy deep down. That's why they feel the need to drag others down. Either that, or they're bloody so unbalanced they just don't care about anything, and enjoy the drama. Whichever way it is, you're best out of it. Just be glad you're you!!!
I would cut myself off from anyone who didn't have a positive influence in your life (and have done). No question. It's just too much.

Thanks posters yes if this awful situation has shown us anything its to be more selective who we give our energy time and love too.
But there is nothing I can do to change it now, there is not really a solution. Reasonable people that actually give a shit would be trying to sort it out in a kind way not creating drama and bad feeling. Cutting these types out as a last resort is the only way now. They really think they have done nothing wrong.

Hard to believe all these cretins are over 18 op!!

He will get his comeuppance not through public humiliation or people seeing through him, but by having to live in his insecure, unloved, and precarious state all his life. You will be just fine.