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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Broken promises

75 replies

hp654 · 24/02/2021 09:22

I am feeling let down.
I have been in this relationship almost 3 years and we live together in my mortgage free house.
When we met I was promised a better life, a new car (mines a battered old car that's 15 years old!) and we both agreed on nice holidays, more than once a year, I mean the once in a lifetime holidays like the Maldives because we are both older and have no time to dance round the handbags.
Fast forward, he is on a good salary double mine then during furlough decides he can live off this lower salary (to quote I don't need silly money any more) so on returning drops to 3 days effectively ending up near enough my salary which is fine except I am still working full time.
I stated that we no longer have this disposable income to do the nice things or replace our clapped out cars, he said I am happy with my car. I said what about the nice holidays and he said we will have to save up for them.
I feel irked because this was not the life I was promised yet feel grabby talking about nice things like holidays and replacing cars when people are dying of Covid. I do love him very much and I know that's all that matters but I just feel let down, like it's OK to not want to make me very happy would you?

OP posts:

marriednotdead · 24/02/2021 09:36

It’s one thing if unfortunate circumstances brought you to this point but quite another for it to be caused by arbitrary decision making on his part.
Did you discuss these changes or were they presented as a fait accompli?
Some may say it’s being materialistic but these were open discussions that you presumably both agreed to work towards and that’s not wrong in and of itself.
I see he is living in your home with the benefits that brings, where was he living before?
Only you know if you can get past it but I think in your shoes I would feel short changed and resentful that someone was taking me for a ride.

Shoxfordian · 24/02/2021 09:37

I would feel let down too, maybe you should try to earn more money and pay for those things yourself though if you want them

HollowTalk · 24/02/2021 09:38

So he's living rent free in your house and has reduced his working hours?

You know what your options are. This man is a cocklodger.

MMmomDD · 24/02/2021 09:39

Part of your post sound strange - and make it sound like you entered this relationship because you were ‘promised’ a nice car and a better life. And now are unhappy he didn’t deliver.

But other parts seem a little off. How are your finances setup? For example - he lives in your house rent free. Is his then paying more of the bills? Is he contributing fairly?

But in the end of the day - it just sounds like him and you aren’t acting as a unit on the finances. And he is making decisions on his own, not taking you into consideration.
Is he semi-retiring then? And if so - why is it only him - why isn’t it then a joint decision to work less - and gain more free/couple time?
I’d try to discuss it in this light. And see where his head is.

category12 · 24/02/2021 09:41

Well, you're not married. If you don't like the life you have with him, get rid.

Changeychange1 · 24/02/2021 09:42

So OP, I’m in a similar position in that I own the house with high equity, my DP benefits from low outgoings for this reason. He earns more, so he’s quids in. I’m remortgaging my home and taking money out for me, about 40k just to enjoy, use for a car etc and we’re both paying that back through a joint mortgage.

rawalpindithelabrador · 24/02/2021 09:44

He's a cocklodger. A dog would cost you less and love you more.

Original poster

hp654 · 24/02/2021 10:18

I entered into it because I love and want him.
We have a joint account where both of our money goes I have separate savings he has none.
I just feel the promises I was made for a great and I mean great life have gone. I also made it clear I want to go to 3 days at the age of 60 but I don't think this is possible now, so that isn't great.
We have every other Monday together because I consolidate my hours but I am not PT

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 24/02/2021 10:20

Come on, OP. This is ridiculous. He is living there rent free and has no savings at all? Why is that?

He is using you and you can't have the future you wanted because of him. That's not right.

Original poster

hp654 · 24/02/2021 10:25

He says his father owns a flat and when he inherits this is what he will bring to the table I stated anything could happen there are no guarantees of this at all.

OP posts:

Hehx3 · 24/02/2021 10:34

I know how broken promises hurt. You are not grabby, you said your expectations he was on board with them. Then without real change of circumstances outside of his control he decides something different and dont have honest upfront discussion about it. I am so sorry, it hurts, but don't be hard on yourself you are certainly not the only one, Im in similar wagon myself at the moment. Take out of what could have been and re-asses if you are willing to continue like that.

UpstartCorvid · 24/02/2021 10:37

Well, the resentment has already started to set in, so hopefully you'll stop loving him in time to keep your own house for yourself, and do lovely things with a different partner.

Meanwhile don't let this one change any lightbulbs or do other 'important refurbishment tasks that added to the value of the property, M'Lud' iykwim.

You have control over this. Use it wisely.

NotAgainNoMore · 24/02/2021 10:45

He's a cocklodger. He reeled you in with promises of a rosy future. Even if he inherits, there's no guarantee you'll see any of that money. And, what on earth has he/you been spending his money on if he earns double? If there's nothing to show for it then how does he imagine you'll manage on less?
I'd be very unhappy too and it's not about being grabby as you've given him a roof over his head for 3 yrs and work FT. It boils down to whether you can reconcile yourself to a different future, with the man you love.

SoulofanAggron · 24/02/2021 10:47

It's understandable to disappointed. You thought your partner was one sort of person/going to lead to you having a particular kind of life, which he promised/agreed to Turns out he's a different sort of person and it's a different life.

He says his father owns a flat and when he inherits this is what he will bring to the table I stated anything could happen there are no guarantees of this at all.

Yes, this isn't good at all. Presumably you don't know when this is going to happen. He should be pitching in for everyday expenses, at least.

Original poster

hp654 · 24/02/2021 10:55

Yes we share all the bills, household expenses, that's not a problem.
Let's just say in his previous life his wife liked to spend and have fancy holidays that's why he has nothing. So I feel a bit put out that I have to accept my lot wheras she had everything, he gave her the life I was promised in a way. Nothing wrong in that but it's like he doesn't have to bother with me, doesn't want the nicer things for me and that I don't matter - it's just all about how he feels so he's been selfish I feel. Also because I contributed the house I want to go part time and can't and I think that was unfair, we did discuss ages ago that this is what he'd like to do but them he came home and surprised me having made the decision without my consultation. I was shocked.

OP posts:

Dontbeme · 24/02/2021 11:02

Let's just say in his previous life his wife liked to spend and have fancy holidays that's why he has nothing

But he is not in the marriage with her any more, he has been living with you paying no rent so why hasn't he saved for a rainy day? He is expecting you to provide for him now and waiting for a parent to die to provide for him later on, so when is he going to provide for himself?

I don't believe he has no money now he just hasn't told you about it. He is happily feathering his nest in your home, reducing his work hours without any discussion and lumbering you with the task of keeping a roof over his head. are you sure this is the life you want?

Changeychange1 · 24/02/2021 11:05

I also find it hard to believe that he left his marriage with absolutely no money, savings, equity. Are you sure he’s as lovely as he seems OP?

BumBurnerBum · 24/02/2021 11:09

Do not marry him or you'll risk your house and savings too

Original poster

hp654 · 24/02/2021 11:10

He walked away from his property under pressure from his sons to keep them happy and have a relationship with them and that their Mum was keeping the house. Their lifestyle was such they didn't have any spare cash because she liked to spend.
Since we have been together we have both contributed to joint savings which is slowly building up.

OP posts:

AIMD · 24/02/2021 11:12

Charge him rent.

It’s not his house. He’s willing/able to lower his hours because he’s not paying rent on a home you own.

Share him rent and use that additional you have to do things you want to do, but a new car/book a holiday.

Teapotsandtablecloths · 24/02/2021 11:13

Yanbu. I can see why you would be angry. He promised you things that it seems he had no intention on delivering or desire to. Things change out of our control and had that been the case id sympathise with him for not being able to provide. But it seems to me its been his choice to live beyond means previously and now reduce his hours leaving him without savings.

What concerns me most is, forgive the phrase, but its almost like hes turned you into a cash cow. He lives in your mortgage free home, he works 3 days a week whilst your full time, hes got the nice car that you don't have.
It isn't fair and it isn't right.
I'd be furious if my DH dropped his hours without prior discussion, especially if it meant our planned lifestyle could no longer happen without good reason. (illness etc)

I suppose the decision for you now is do you love him enough to put up with it?

category12 · 24/02/2021 11:13

Let's just say in his previous life his wife liked to spend and have fancy holidays that's why he has nothing.

What evidence do you have for this narrative of the feckless wife who stripped him of assets?

If he was earning far more than you, how come he hasn't created a savings cushion?

AIMD · 24/02/2021 11:14

@hp654

He walked away from his property under pressure from his sons to keep them happy and have a relationship with them and that their Mum was keeping the house. Their lifestyle was such they didn't have any spare cash because she liked to spend. Since we have been together we have both contributed to joint savings which is slowly building up.

Really this is all irrelevant. What matters now is the financial situation now and what you both choose/agree to do about it individually and together.

Original poster

hp654 · 24/02/2021 11:20

I am not saying it was her, but I do know she went to the hairdressers every week, beauticians, had botox and a vast wardrobe being particularly fond of designer bags apparently.
He was the one paying all the bills letting her keep all her wages as spends how mad was that!. She then asked his Mum for a loan as she had store card debts after their divorce came through. They also had expensive holidays abroad and spoiled the boys rotten.

OP posts:

Original poster

hp654 · 24/02/2021 11:22

Really this is all irrelevant. What matters now is the financial situation now and what you both choose/agree to do about it individually and together.

Absolutely

OP posts:

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