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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Broken promises

75 replies

hp654 · 24/02/2021 09:22

I am feeling let down.
I have been in this relationship almost 3 years and we live together in my mortgage free house.
When we met I was promised a better life, a new car (mines a battered old car that's 15 years old!) and we both agreed on nice holidays, more than once a year, I mean the once in a lifetime holidays like the Maldives because we are both older and have no time to dance round the handbags.
Fast forward, he is on a good salary double mine then during furlough decides he can live off this lower salary (to quote I don't need silly money any more) so on returning drops to 3 days effectively ending up near enough my salary which is fine except I am still working full time.
I stated that we no longer have this disposable income to do the nice things or replace our clapped out cars, he said I am happy with my car. I said what about the nice holidays and he said we will have to save up for them.
I feel irked because this was not the life I was promised yet feel grabby talking about nice things like holidays and replacing cars when people are dying of Covid. I do love him very much and I know that's all that matters but I just feel let down, like it's OK to not want to make me very happy would you?

OP posts:

Original poster

hp654 · 24/02/2021 11:25

I don't want to make a fuss as it appears I only wanted him for his salary which I didn't. I don't want to come across as being grabby I said last week I was sad we no longer had the disposable income for nice things he said I'm happy we have a nice garden don't need holidays and when I said 'what about what I want?' he kind of pulled a face which made me feel bad like I was being materialistic.

OP posts:

AIMD · 24/02/2021 11:29

@hp654

That sounds like he is quite manipulative or at the least dismissive of your wants and needs.

Did you say you 50/50 the bills?
Shouldn’t he be paying rent too or at least putting an amount equal to rent in the savings rather than accepting living in your home for free?

category12 · 24/02/2021 11:30

That's all "apparently" - the source being him and his mother, presumably.

I think you should take tales of the ex wife with a pinch of salt, especially if they're used to compare you favourably and make you feel weird about wanting nice things/discussing money matters.

Username1917 · 24/02/2021 11:35

When you met he promised you a new car? I have to ask, was his salary (which you say was double yours) what attracted you?

I’ve got to be honest, I don’t think you should be expecting him to fund your new car, luxury holidays etc. surely you should also be contributing to these things? You say “we no longer have the disposable income” yet he’s earning the same as you, so it seems you’re expecting him to provide these luxuries?

He should absolutely be paying towards living in your house though, I’d say a small rental amount as well as his share of the bills to recognise the fact he’s living in a house you provide.

Cockenspiel · 24/02/2021 11:40

Whatever happened before you got together is irrelevant really.

What matters is:

he made promises he can’t keep.
he changed his financial and work status without discussing with you the financial implications for you both.
he is cocklodging in your house, rent free. If he had to pay rent or a mortgage it’s unlikely he would’ve been able to make the work changes.

Ultimately he has got his feet under the table. broken your trust, and is now taking advantage of your generosity, whilst blatantly ignoring your needs.

I wouldn’t be surprised if all his stories about his ex wife are full of shit.

Original poster

hp654 · 24/02/2021 11:40

I don't expect anything (good job innit!) but these were the things he said to me.
He also said my gift (meaning me) is the house, his gift is his salary...
I don't feel comfortable asking for rent it seems very mean as we are in a relationship and pool our income.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 24/02/2021 11:45

So basically your plan was that as you owned the house you could afford to go part time when you were 60. Now he's gone part time so you can't afford to do that.

In what world does he think that's fair?

RoisinD · 24/02/2021 11:45

You are ignoring all the red flags being raised by other posters.

AIMD · 24/02/2021 11:49

@hp654

I don't expect anything (good job innit!) but these were the things he said to me. He also said my gift (meaning me) is the house, his gift is his salary... I don't feel comfortable asking for rent it seems very mean as we are in a relationship and pool our income.

Sorry op if I missed something. If your contribution is the house and his is the salary then what is your income? Do you keep all your income or is that included in the shared finances too.

Op you sound too worried about being nice and fair. Unfortunately you’re doing to have to raise it as an issue and suggest some compromise/actions if you want the situation to change.

Original poster

hp654 · 24/02/2021 11:53

Our salaries are both put in our joint account, so when the going was good we had an excess to do nice things now there's nothing like the amount we used to have.
Yes I do want to be nice and fair, I don't want to cause upset.
It's just I feel let down somewhat and wondered what others opinions are on this.

OP posts:

Dontbeme · 24/02/2021 11:54

He was the one paying all the bills letting her keep all her wages as spends how mad was that!

What do you mean how mad is that? He is doing this to you now, you have a house and you work full time, can't retire at the age you want and he has just sauntered away from a full time job to reduced hours. Can you not see the irony that he is doing what he complained his wife did?

he said I'm happy we have a nice garden don't need holidays

Sorry but who has a fucking garden? YOU have a garden he has cheap lodgings at your discretion. I don't like the sound of him OP, I would be getting legal advice that he cannot make a claim to your home. You need to smarten up quick.

AIMD · 24/02/2021 11:56

@hp654

Our salaries are both put in our joint account, so when the going was good we had an excess to do nice things now there's nothing like the amount we used to have. Yes I do want to be nice and fair, I don't want to cause upset. It's just I feel let down somewhat and wondered what others opinions are on this.

So he was contributing his wage and you were contributing your wage AND house. Now he is contributing a smaller wage and you’re still contributing using your house and wage.

That’s not fair or equal.
It hadn’t been 50/50.

If I were you I’d work out how much rent he would pay on a house like yours (or 50% of rent on a house like yours) and consider that as your contribution monthly too. Once you’ve done that does it still seem fair?!

UpstartCorvid · 24/02/2021 11:58

The ex wife narrative is such a tired cliché. He's using it to manipulate you by assigning you a role to stick to.

Don't be like the exWife, eh, there's a love

I bet you get praise at the moment for being so different from her.

Dontbeme · 24/02/2021 12:02

Where was he living before he moved in with you OP and who's idea was it for him to move in and not pay rent? How long were you together before you moved in? It just seems a bit suspect that at three years together this is the set up.

Original poster

hp654 · 24/02/2021 12:05

He had a rented place and it was I who suggested it because it seemed daft him paying rent on there when we planned to live together.
I think as a 'couple' we should halve things and I am very fortunate to own my home, I wouldn't have expected him to pay rent, it seems mercenary or is it me?

OP posts:

UpstartCorvid · 24/02/2021 12:11

You effectively agreed a contribution to your joint lifestyle in lieu of rent, and he's unilaterally ripped up that agreement. When you queried this, you got The Pained Face Of Disappointment.

This is why you feel disconcerted.

You feel you've been contractually shafted, and yet told you haven't, by someone you should be able to trust.

AIMD · 24/02/2021 12:11

@hp654

He had a rented place and it was I who suggested it because it seemed daft him paying rent on there when we planned to live together. I think as a 'couple' we should halve things and I am very fortunate to own my home, I wouldn't have expected him to pay rent, it seems mercenary or is it me?

You don’t necessarily have to charge him rent. But you should consider the house (and him not paying rent) as part of your contribution to the household finances.

Of course as a couple you would want to share everything but that only works when your expectations are the same or you can talk and compromise on how the joint finances are managed.

At the moment there is no compromise. You provide the house and your wages and he is living how he chooses regardless of what you want. He’s only able to do that because of YOUR house.

Op if you don’t see that then I fear you are not going to be able to challenge him on this issue.

Why is it ok for him to decide he’s lowering his wage and not aiming for the shared experiences you agreed without properly consulting you?!

Shodan · 24/02/2021 12:17

Wow. What a cheeky bastard he is!

I think you should sit him down and explain that his being able to live rent free in your house was dependent on the original conditions: that you would both have excess cash to spend on nice things. As he has seen fit to alter the conditions, without prior discussion with and agreement from you, then you will have to do likewise. This means you will now be charging rent, so he needs to make a decision about what he wants to do.

Sarahlou63 · 24/02/2021 12:23

If you've no mortgage and you are splitting bills jointly and both earning the same amount then what's the problem? Is it that you resent him being able to earn the same as you PT?

iwannascream · 24/02/2021 12:38

I would suggest that you remortgage the house in joint names, you take all of the money and then split the mortgage payment 50/50, that way you will know if he is using you for the free house that he lives in. You will be able to see his true intentions from how he reacts.

autumnalrain · 24/02/2021 13:28

OP what you are saying isn’t adding up. It sounds like you might be exaggerating. Because if you are mortgage free and living on two salaries you should have more than enough exposable income for treats. Because let’s say bills are £500 are you really saying you haven’t got money left over (on two salaries) to go on holidays? Are you aware that there are people who likely earn the same as you and pay for their mortgage and still manage to treat themselves.

autumnalrain · 24/02/2021 13:28

*disposable

Walkacrossthesand · 24/02/2021 13:29

The issue I have with the set-up, is that he is (presumably) only able to drop to part time work because he is living in a house that you own, yet you'll have to continue to work full time. This is a relatively new partnership, so how does this benefit you?
I suspect the answer is - it doesn't. Apart from vague future promises of sharing an inheritance, which is very much 'jam tomorrow' while he benefits from 'jam today'.
I would reframe your disquiet as 'he can only do this because I'm subbing him' rather than 'I'm not getting what I thought I would'. Perhaps the living together arrangement won't work under these new terms - I know it would make me very resentful.

autumnalrain · 24/02/2021 13:29

However I do think he should be paying you rent!

HollowTalk · 24/02/2021 13:36

I do want to be nice and fair, I don't want to cause upset.

This is your problem. He is counting on you feeling like this.

I'm horrified at the number of guys I read about on here who move in to a mortgage free house and then start ripping off their partners financially.

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