Broken promises

[hp654]

I am feeling let down.
I have been in this relationship almost 3 years and we live together in my mortgage free house.
When we met I was promised a better life, a new car (mines a battered old car that's 15 years old!) and we both agreed on nice holidays, more than once a year, I mean the once in a lifetime holidays like the Maldives because we are both older and have no time to dance round the handbags.
Fast forward, he is on a good salary double mine then during furlough decides he can live off this lower salary (to quote I don't need silly money any more) so on returning drops to 3 days effectively ending up near enough my salary which is fine except I am still working full time.
I stated that we no longer have this disposable income to do the nice things or replace our clapped out cars, he said I am happy with my car. I said what about the nice holidays and he said we will have to save up for them.
I feel irked because this was not the life I was promised yet feel grabby talking about nice things like holidays and replacing cars when people are dying of Covid. I do love him very much and I know that's all that matters but I just feel let down, like it's OK to not want to make me very happy would you?

I'm assuming if you split he'd have to go back to renting and couldn't afford his recent lifestyle change?

That seems short sighted of him.

Instead you are bankrolling it...

Where did he live before he moved in with you? He must have been paying there

Sounds like he gave you loads of flannel in the dating phase and now he's got his feet under the table he's banking on you being desperate/vulnerable not kicking him out...

You've been manipulated here and now you realise....
I wouldn't put up with it personally as hate being taken for a mug ... that's not someone who loves you and wants to do stuff with you....
And be a partner..

I would reframe your disquiet as 'he can only do this because I'm subbing him'

@Walkacrossthesand He earns enough that he would've been able to do that anyway on his own.- his part time salary is about the same as OP's full time one, which she lived on by herself previously.

I understand OP being disappointed though.

He's having a go at being the partner who doesn't pull their weight and can coast along on the back of someone else. He knows exactly what he's doing, which is why he's done it with no consultation with you, he seems pretty confident that you will just accept the situation as presented now.

Will you?

Am I reading the same OP? So his p-t salary is the same as OP's full time. He pays his way. But it's all his fault that they won't have the luxuries of fancy holidays and new cars? It's all his fault she can't go p-t because he won't be able to supplement her p-t salary now?

Promises are not contracts. Maybe he got sick of working his arse off to pay for luxuries (again after his wife) and his partner to need her salary supplemented later? He's not cocklodging if he's paying half the living expenses ffs. He's not costing her money. Yes, it's great that the fact no mortgage means he can continue to pay his way without working full time. He had discussed going p-t, but did he need his partner's permission to do so when he's still paying his way? If he wasn't there OP won't be having a new car and luxury holidays or going pt anyway. In fact she'd be worse off.

Okay, he made promises, but life changes. Goals change. What could OP have said if he asked permission to go pt? No you can't because I need your extra money so I can go pt?!!

He also said my gift (meaning me) is the house, his gift is his salary...

A salary which, once he had his feet under the table, he prompty reduced. Maybe you should be glad he's doing 3 days rather than stopping work altogether, but that'll probably be next

The "inheritance" gambit is pie in the sky and the "extravagant ex" possibly nonsense - anyway you'd be foolish to take this on trust and even more foolish if you don't start charging rent

The good news, if you do, is that you probably won't see him for dust

OP he should be paying you rent or paying a higher salary into your joint account, due to the fact he's living in your house, which presumably you paid a mortgage on for 25 years!

Surely if he's giving his entire wage into a joint account that is paying towards rent?! I am a bit confused :/

If you live in a mortgage free property & have someone contributing to bills. Why don't you have spare money for holidays ?
Or to buy a better car

Holidays are always cheaper outside school holidays

What about a mid week break ?

Why don't you organise a mini break & tell him that he can organise the next one. If he organises nothing, then you have your answer

Personally, I would choose a break or holiday every time, over a car

Take control !

There are people who dream

There are people who do

Perhaps, his dream was to reduce his work down to 3 days. So he has achieved his goal.

Your dream of holidays hasn't happened, so you need to make a plan to make this happen

I understand OP. You lived on your own, worked hard and made sacrifices to be mortgage free, We have no idea how much you earn but you continue to work full time to keep a reasonable standard of living and maintain the home you have worked hard for and make provision for the future. None of this is a breeze if you live of just your own wage unless you are fortunate to earn a decent salary. It’s all on you.
Now you can love someone without having to live with them. But the OP will have weighed up all of the scenarios and only allowed him to move in if 1/ they loved each other, and 2/ if he could enhance her life and bring quality to it ( he doesn’t have a solid gold cock and ejaculate diamonds )
Otherwise why bother?
He inferred a lifestyle as a trade off for living in a comfortable ready made home. The bottom line is he is now turned that to his advantage and not ‘their’ advantage putting her at a ‘disadvantage’. He has slyly moved the goalposts and now you feel grabby and awkward feeling the way you do.
But don’t . As someone who has experienced exactly the same experience as you please don’t. It feels like an injustice because it is an injustice and no matter how loving and attentive they are, it doesn’t change the bones of it.
He’s got himself comfy in your house and now he’s prioritising his needs and desires over yours, whilst making your feel petty. At worst he’s dishonest, at best selfish and insensitive. It’s not on ... so be strong!

@UpstartCorvid

The ex wife narrative is such a tired cliché. He's using it to manipulate you by assigning you a role to stick to.

Don't be like the exWife, eh, there's a love

I bet you get praise at the moment for being so different from her.

I agree.

@Thingsdogetbetter

Am I reading the same OP? So his p-t salary is the same as OP's full time. He pays his way. But it's all his fault that they won't have the luxuries of fancy holidays and new cars? It's all his fault she can't go p-t because he won't be able to supplement her p-t salary now?

Promises are not contracts. Maybe he got sick of working his arse off to pay for luxuries (again after his wife) and his partner to need her salary supplemented later? He's not cocklodging if he's paying half the living expenses ffs. He's not costing her money. Yes, it's great that the fact no mortgage means he can continue to pay his way without working full time. He had discussed going p-t, but did he need his partner's permission to do so when he's still paying his way? If he wasn't there OP won't be having a new car and luxury holidays or going pt anyway. In fact she'd be worse off.

Okay, he made promises, but life changes. Goals change. What could OP have said if he asked permission to go pt? No you can't because I need your extra money so I can go pt?!!

This is exactly it. I think I am just put out because I was led to believe I had nicer things coming my way after having had a very tough time prior to this - so again I have been naïve but I would be no better off if he left as everything is 50/50. I would liked to have had a few really good holidays though...

@Lifethroalens

I understand OP. You lived on your own, worked hard and made sacrifices to be mortgage free, We have no idea how much you earn but you continue to work full time to keep a reasonable standard of living and maintain the home you have worked hard for and make provision for the future. None of this is a breeze if you live of just your own wage unless you are fortunate to earn a decent salary. It’s all on you. Now you can love someone without having to live with them. But the OP will have weighed up all of the scenarios and only allowed him to move in if 1/ they loved each other, and 2/ if he could enhance her life and bring quality to it ( he doesn’t have a solid gold cock and ejaculate diamonds ) Otherwise why bother? He inferred a lifestyle as a trade off for living in a comfortable ready made home. The bottom line is he is now turned that to his advantage and not ‘their’ advantage putting her at a ‘disadvantage’. He has slyly moved the goalposts and now you feel grabby and awkward feeling the way you do. But don’t . As someone who has experienced exactly the same experience as you please don’t. It feels like an injustice because it is an injustice and no matter how loving and attentive they are, it doesn’t change the bones of it. He’s got himself comfy in your house and now he’s prioritising his needs and desires over yours, whilst making your feel petty. At worst he’s dishonest, at best selfish and insensitive. It’s not on ... so be strong!

Spot on....

If you have a spare room, you would be better off renting it out
You can earn a certain amount per year without paying tax
Then book yourself some dream holidays

Perhaps you want two different things ?
He wants to stay in garden, working 3 days a week
You want travel
Therefore he is not the one for you

Do not marry this man.

Well OP he certainly saw you coming.

He has a rent free life which is costing you money because you could increase your income by taking in a lodger.

You could save this money towards your pension.

He future faked you and showed you EXACTLY how much of a couple he thinks ye are by dropping back to part time.

The bottom line is he lives rent free and works part time on your back.

He's set himself up very nicely from future faking you.

It really is up to you whether you accept being used like this.

You didn't have to tell him you were mortgage free !

How long were you together, before you told him this info ?

He is incredibly selfish. If he paid rent you would have your car. Where else would he get to live rent free?

I think the fact he hasn't offered to pay rent says a lot about the person he is. He is the grabby one. He is living the life he wants, you aren't. It's time to rethink things, op.

@HollowTalk

So he's living rent free in your house and has reduced his working hours?

You know what your options are. This man is a cocklodger.

This.

He's taking the piss.

When he moved in rent free it was on the understanding that his contribution would be to subsidise car renewals and to pay his half (or more).towards holidays. He's not doing that. He's purposefully downgraded his income so he can only work three days a week and is telling you you'll both have to save for holidays and he's not helping you replace your car.

He has reneged on his (happily for him non contractural) promises/understanding.

It's pretty simple - he future faked you.

You invited him to live in your home as him paying rent seemed to be a waste of money, money which would enable you both to have nice holidays and comforts.

He moved in, downgraded his work to PT, now loafed about in YOUR house on his days off and suddenly doesn't care about the nice things you'd mutually agreed you wanted.

I'm afraid, he saw you coming. Especially the old ex-wife spent all my money trope - this is as clichéd as it gets.

He's found himself a nice comfy home, with an owner who works full time and doesn't expect a penny in rent and is too meek to call him out on it as she doesn't 'want to cause upset'.

Honestly OP, you seem like a lovely person, but you're being taken for a mug here.

It has been spelt out to you clearly OP.

He's using you.

He deliberately future faked you.

He doesn't consider you a couple as he just decided to work part time because he can affort to as he lives RENT FREE.

He sees you as a complete MUG.

Ditch him/insist he pays rent or suck it up.

These are your options.

He is a user.

Don't be surprised if he ditches you if a better deal comes along.

He's a user.

He's a cock lodger, and your now his new meal ticket. He's reeled you in with promises and now he's got his feet under the table his new agenda has started to take place.

However it's just you that's missing out. You can't afford to replace your car, you can't afford holidays, you can't afford to retire earlier. However he seems to be doing just fine! He's reduced his hours, he's got a less stressful job. No wonder he's not fussed about a new car.

And don't wait for the inheritance, even if it does materialise (I'm betting it won't) you won't see any of it, he'll only bring it to the table for himself