Can you read this and give your opinion please?

[thehubl]

If a partner ... female in this case says these things or exhibits these behaviours, what is going on . I'm confused .

*Only wants to spend time one on one with partner. Know cos off if partner wants to meet friends or family or attend family events .

• Tells her partner when they can see their children or have them over to HIS house during their time together.
• is jealous of other women when they look in the direction of partner in a normal way.
• won't leave partners house when asked eg after a disagreement .
• calls Partner nasty , insulting and personal insulting names .
• drags old arguments up From the past that have no relevance to Present disagreement .
• can be physically hurtful. Can change in an instant from kind and sweet to nasty and aggressive . Screams when angry .
• doesn't apologise when clearly in the wrong. *uses partners credit card and does not repay money. All opinions would be very welcomed . Thank you.

Tells her partner when they can see their children or have them over to HIS house during their time together.

This, even without all the other controlling and abusive behaviours, should be what makes you end this relationship.

You do not make your children come second to ANY partner.

A personality disorder. Look up borderline personality disorder.

@Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a

Tells her partner when they can see their children or have them over to HIS house during their time together.

This, even without all the other controlling and abusive behaviours, should be what makes you end this relationship.

You do not make your children come second to ANY partner.

Yes!!!!

You have described several behaviours that are part of domestic abuse and coercive control:
Isolating the victim from sources of support.
Isolating the victim from people who would compete for their affections.
Tries to control and limit normal social interactions.
Does not respect normal social boundaries.
Uses insults to erode the victim’s self-esteem.
Is physically and emotionally abusive.
Steals from the victim.

This is a dangerous relationship and the behaviour is very likely to escalate as the victim becomes more vulnerable and isolated. If you are the victim, please leave now, while you can.

You deserve better than this

I am the man . It is difficult to describe how warm and wonderful she is when we are in a good place but she can turn on me
as quick as a whippet .
She must come first and my contact with my kids is always an issue as she likes to determine when I can see them , for how long and why we do. If their mum has an emergency and needs support or extra time for me to spend with my kids, she goes bananas as' it is our time'.
I know deep down that my kids and family and social
Groups don't like her so we are rarely were invited to any event pre covid .
I need to get out don't I .

You need to put your dc first and dump this woman.

Your partner sounds unhinged & unstable.
Sounds incredibly insecure about you seeing your child. Wouldn't waste any more time on this relationship sounds draining and miserable

@thehubl

I am the man . It is difficult to describe how warm and wonderful she is when we are in a good place but she can turn on me as quick as a whippet . She must come first and my contact with my kids is always an issue as she likes to determine when I can see them , for how long and why we do. If their mum has an emergency and needs support or extra time for me to spend with my kids, she goes bananas as' it is our time'. I know deep down that my kids and family and social Groups don't like her so we are rarely were invited to any event pre covid . I need to get out don't I .

Yep, get out pronto

It is difficult to describe how warm and wonderful she is when we are in a good place but she can turn on me

This is the classic good bit that is the hook to keep the victim in the relationship.

The good bits gradually decrease and the abuser increasingly persuades the victim that this is their fault. The victim starts to believe that, if only they could do better, the good bits would happen more.

Nobody who truly loves and cares for you would turn on you or try to interfere with you seeing your children.

She is already succeeding in isolating you from your support networks and the competition for your affections.

Yes. You need to end this relationship.

When you do she may very well do one or more of the following to try to prevent it:

• act like she is devastated and promise you the moon on a stick to get you to stay.
• try to persuade you that nobody else could love you and she is the best you could ever get.
• threaten to hurt you or your family.
• threaten to hurt of kill herself.

It's likely that she will try several of them at different times. The promises will come to nothing as soon as you are securely back in the relationship. Nobody who treats you as she has is capable of changing for anything but the very shortest of times.

Please collect items of sentimental value and important documents and get someone else to look after them before you tell her.

You will look back and be grateful that you walked away.

Thank you . I don't understand why she wants to complete with my affections. I do exactly what she wants because it's easier and I fear the irrational screaming and I have cut contact with my family and friends to important social events as she says she does not like them even though she doesn't know them. I have guilt about my children . I know I have let them down . Her children are never an issue when there is an emergency if their dad can't take them but mine are and she isn't very warm
To them . That hurts me . I need to rid her from my life. She threatens to leave and at one time she did but I pleaded with her to come back. I don't know who I am when I am with her . She is like a drug .

www.mankind.org.uk/

Get in touch with this service and talk things through with them, and have a read of the resources on their website. You're not alone in what you're going through.

Coercive control is like a drug. That's why there are thousands of people in abusive relationships who are unable to leave. It's also why some of those people have left and then gone back.

There's a book that is often recommended on these threads by Lundy Bancroft. I think it's called Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. I haven't read it but a lot of MNers think it's very good at helping people to understand the abuse they are being subjected to.

It's clearly important to her that she is the sole focus of your life. Nobody else is allowed to be important to you. If you stay with her, she will eventually achieve removing your children from your life altogether and you will blame yourself, not her.

Do yourself and your children a favour and end the relationship, then block her in every way possible.

When my DD was in this position, I asked her to write down all the things he did to her that she felt weren't quite right. She filled a side of A4. Then I got her to look through and pick out every point that would be reason enough on its own to end the relationship. She took a while to realise that every point on that piece of paper was enough reason to leave on its own. It helped her to be able to refer back to that piece of paper when she felt herself craving the feelings she had from the good bits of their relationship. Doing the same might help you.

It is difficult to describe how warm and wonderful she is when we are in a good place

When you're in a good place?? By good place you mean when she's getting everything her way, yes?

I have guilt about my children . I know I have let them down

Okay so stop letting them down by keeping this venomous bitch in your life. You can have good sex without a shit load of abuse as part of the package. (yes I see you OP)

She is like a drug

That's called a trauma bond. She uses extreme highs and lows to keep you in your place. Read about it.

Seriously, wake up and get rid before you lose your friends, family and children.... You're already half way there.

Leave her. She is abusive and you are already losing your sense of selfhood and self direction.

She's vile and abusive.

My DP was with an abusive woman, some very similar ways to yours. She also stole from him by using his bank card and let him initially blame their flatmate for a long time.

It took a very long time to see it as he kept thinking he was wrong or not seeing things the way he thought they were. She was very good at lying and manipukating, putting on a good show for his friends and family. Some could see through her and had no time for her. Others didn't see it until he ended it when her mask slipped. There is a lot of guilt now that they didn't believe him.

Get away from her before she ruins your mental health. DP was in his relationship for a very long time and it has cost him. He is coming through it but it's been difficult, partly due to the length of time he was with her.

No one deserves to be treated like this.

She basically hates your poor DC. Protect yourself and your DC. The one thing that stood out for me is you note her refusal to leave after an argument. She is going to behave like this on a larger scale when you tell her it is over. You need to contact Mankind, locate and secure all precious documents and finance stuff. Don't trust this woman. She sounds vindictive and utterly narcissistic. She has you hanging on like a class A drug addict, hanging on for the high of her niceness, in between the agony of her cruelty and emotional withdrawal. She is ruthless.

Op how did you get together?

OP you're in an abusive relationship. get out.

Even apart from allllll the other red flags, any partner who tries to control your time with your children is NOT someone you can have in your life as a responsible parent.

By staying with your partner you are doing harm to your children and to your relationship with them.

Cut her out quickly and completely and move on.

You don’t have a pet rabbit by any chance !?

If you do and it disappears, then you get home to find that she has cooked you a nice stew, taste it before you swallow.

What are you cruelly getting out of this fxxxxxd up relationship?

That should say actually

Oh OP my heart aches for you, you are worth so much more than this. However, if you stay with her, you will be convinced by her that you aren't worthy, no one else would ever love you, you are lucky to have her etc etc.

I was in a long term abusive relationship and like you there were some incredibly amazing times, and he was really lovely at times. But I came to realise it was only when I was being subservient and 'the perfect wife' He was happiest and nicest when I was saddest and most repressed.

In a genuinely good, equal and balanced relationship ALL times are good (even the tough times) and both people are lovely ALL the time.

Please be fore-warned that if she gets wind that you're going to end it, the abusive behaviour might ramp up. So, get things ready first

• ensure all passwords/logins are changed to your banking, social media, phones, laptops/PCs and tablets etc

• hide, or remove from the home, important documents and ID for you and your Children

• hide, or remove, spare car and house keys. Change house locks also ASAP as she probably has a spare of the one she uses. If you can't change them immediately put a chain on the front door and leave by the back door (most people don't carry a back door key with them everyday, hopefully she doesn't)

• consider contacting your local police to make a statement about her abuse. I did this shortly after ending my marriage when I realised he'd fitted a tracker to my car. Just by making a statement and them being aware it was domestic abuse meant that the police came to do a safety inspection of my house, advised me on actions to take if he came round and also flagged my name, phone number and address as a priority should I ever call 999. Proved invaluable several months later when I realised he was attempting to break in in the middle of the night. Police were there in minutes to arrest him

• delete any private or intimate photos there might be of you to avoid any 'revenge porn' activity by her. It's a crime now which might put her off, but believe me it's incredibly embarrassing and humiliating if these images are forwarded to your colleagues.

Ideally it would be good to end things when you are out somewhere so you can just leave her and get home alone. If you live together have an overnight bag of her belongings packed up ready and tell her you will pack and leave the rest outside.

DO NOT BE FOOLED by the tears, faux apologies or threats to self harm. It's all crap.

Please get rid. I stayed far too long and it wrecked my confidence, self-esteem and mental health. I'm still recovering 6 years later.

Wishing you well with this. You and your children deserve better. DO NOT blame yourself either - people like your partner and my ex are accomplished liars, manipulators and head fucks. It is THEM and not you with the issues. You will meet someone else who'll love you, you are worthy, decent, kind and loving.

It's THEM not YOU.

I feel terrible guilt about my kids.
They are not welcome in my house when she is their with her kids and she doesn't hide her jealousy. She is also jealous if the relationships I have with my family and some colleagues. It is odd because I cannot understand why she is jealous of my family ? She is convinced that I look at other women ... I don't...or they look at me and I am policed by her socially. All of this has no truth .
It will the irrational screaming and her inability to let any issues go once they have been resolved that it is eating me away too. I feel scared sometimes and have had to lock doors to feel safe .
Thank you. I will take your advice and use it.

Please don’t let any more time pass , where she is policing how much time you spend with your children .
They are your children , they need to come first , they need to know they come first . Once this time is gone there’s no getting it back . If you need to lock the doors to feel safe that tells you everything . This woman is a poison in the lives of you snd your family. The thing that all abusers strive for is to seperate you from your friends and family , that’s how they keep Control over you . Please take some if the excellent advice on here , and get this woman out of your life as quickly as humanly possible . Don’t let her destroy the relationship between you snd your children . They only have one Dad , make sure you’re the best one you can be .
You said she’s like a drug , we all know how that ends, and it’s never good .

The bit about your children was enough to know she sounds like a nasty person. There are no redeeming qualities. She is controlling & sounds like she has a narcissistic personality disorder. I don't normally comment on these types of threads but if she does have narcissistic tendencies - she will never change and it will get worse.