Cant get to sleep at nights. Help!

[Cinderstella]

I lost both my parents last year, Dad to Covid 19 and Mum to Alzheimers. I thought I was coping extremely well over the last few months, just having a tear every so often when a nice memory came to me.
However, for the last while I’ve had no sleep. I’m tired when I go to bed but then pictures of their dead faces keep coming into my head and won’t go away. I was with my Dad when he died and it was peaceful. I wasn’t with my Mum but raced to her and spent some time alone with her after she had died. None of these experiences frightened me at the time and I was glad I was there. Now though, I feel anxious, frightened I think, it’s a difficult thing to describe and I just can’t seem to shift those pictures from my head when I retire at night. What to do? 😢

Since I broke a vertebrae in my back I've had trouble getting to sleep. My Dr suggested I try lavendar tablets, when what I really wanted was sleeping tablets. I thought 'what a load of carp' but decided to try them anyway. Well, they worked perfectly. I put a meditation track on my phone and snuggle down in bed and am asleep quickly.

Thanks@dogmandu. Worth a try.

Hi there. You really need to learn meditation and mindfulness. A course, a book or just YouTube videos. It's a really important skill to have as you can control your breathing, reduce stress, bring your awareness back to your body and your relaxation.
I had to go NC with both my parents due to emotional abuse. For about a year I had to literally count myself to sleep 2-3 times a night. I'm very sorry for your loss.

And lavender sleep spray x

Get Sleepy podcast on Spotify. It works. It's a guided imaginary meditation - works a treat though I never get to hear the whole story as I fall asleep very quickly.

It doesn't sound like you've really allowed yourself to grieve to me - maybe you've been a bit too busy "coping" and not really dealt with the bereavements fully? Maybe pushed it aside a bit? And now it's creeping up on you?

I'm so sorry for your losses. It must have been really tough, especially in these times. It's OK not to cope. It's OK to seek support.

Definitely look into mindfulness. It will help you relax and bring you peace of mind once you 'get it'. I was with my mum when she died. At first I still used to hear her call out to me. It took at least a year before I became aware that I felt differently inside, like the pain of the loss wasn't so strong and I did begin to move forward. Confidence & relaxation hypnosis tapes worked well too. Give yourself time x

Thank you everyone for your replies. Very helpful advice. I do meditate already and sometimes that helps. I think the grieving is definitely catching up with me now as I was kept very busy to start with after they had died.
I had a breakthrough last night though. Slept the best I had in ages. A real deep sleep. How did I manage it. Visualisation technique. Burning the bad memories in order to let the good memories surface. Don’t know if it will always work but we’ll see.

@dogmandu

Can you link to which lavendar tablets worked for you please, I have tried everything (or so I thought) but although I have tried lavendar spray I have never tried the tablets.

Hi

here you are. They have lots of good recommendations. Good luck xx

www.amazon.co.uk/LAVENDER-PURE-OIL-500mg-ameliorates/dp/B01MSRCN5O/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&crid=3AIJHL61QT8BU&keywords=lasea+lavender+capsules&sprefix=lasea+%2Caps%2C463&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1614100321&sr=8-3

Thank you.

@category12

It doesn't sound like you've really allowed yourself to grieve to me - maybe you've been a bit too busy "coping" and not really dealt with the bereavements fully? Maybe pushed it aside a bit? And now it's creeping up on you?

I'm so sorry for your losses. It must have been really tough, especially in these times. It's OK not to cope. It's OK to seek support.

Just want to echo this. I think it is part of the grieving process - i had similar when I ended my marriage because of infidelity. During the day I would be fine, but at night unwanted memories of times I'd spent as a couple would pop into my head unbidden and keep me awake. I've heard its the brain's way of processing traumatic events - it almost has to throw the memories back up so the concious brain can reprocess them in light of the jarring, new reality.

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your losses OP

Thank you@TossaCoinToYerWitcher and@youvegottenminuteslyn.
Much appreciated.

Hi Op sorry to hear of the losses. Yes to non medical intervention re sleep.
Insight timer has 80,000 free meditations.
Yoga Nidra is good for sleep too.
Grief is not linear and it goes up and down in its process.
Some gentle walking, a warm bath before bed and no tech within at least an hour before bed.
💐

Thanks@Whydidimarryhim. I’ll try out the meditations from Insight Timer and the Yoga Nidra. Much appreciated.

Glenn Harold sleep hypnosis app is brilliant. So so sorry for your loss OP

GlenHarold@again2020. Thank you.

Jason Stephenson's YouTube videos are excellent. There are quite a variety specifically for sleep and relaxation. You can just use the sound if the screen is to intrusive.

i had a period of deep stress and anxiety and put on 10 hour relaxation videos on youtube, you can get black screen ones. I loved the snow storm or rain in log cabins with a lovely fire crackling in the background. They got me over my rough period and I can sleep normally now.

So sorry. I wish you long life

Oh thanks so much@pandora206,Shehasadiamondinthesky,name hangefail2020.

Everyone is being so kind. 🙏

I just want to say how sorry I am for your losses. I have trouble sleeping because of different trauma and have found Jason Stephenson on you Tube really helpful. It's as though my mind is expecting it each night so the intrusive thoughts and images don't get a look in and sleep comes much quicker. Almost like my brain is being conditioned. Worth a try, good luck 💐

So sorry for your loss.

My mum died last year and I had a similar experience being kept awake with thoughts of her last days and seeing her body once she’d died. Some things that helped me were:

Cruse bereavement counselling
Reading the book Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman
Having a good cry every day, whenever I felt like it
(These three things helped get the thoughts out in the day)
Also ear plugs
Adding extra blankets so the duvet was heavy
Sleeping on my own
Being properly hydrated
Taking iron tablets (I was borderline anaemic and this really helped)
Having a healthy bedtime routine and going to bed at the same time every night
Exercise
No alcohol

I’ve only just started sleeping deeply 9 months later. I wish you every success!

I'm not surprised you're reliving this constantly, it's a huge loss to come to terms with. Give it time.

Try controlling your breathing with some simple exercises. The best one is described from 5:25 onwards here:

It's a technique that they use in the military, and I've found it very effective.

Good luck, and may time heal your grief! X