Can an accent be a deal breaker?

[Nebaska]

I'll try to keep this brief.

I met a guy online who seems to tick every box I ever had ("seems" is important - I know anyone can be anyone online). Not just looks (although he's V handsome) but more, interests, views on life, goals etc etc. He seems keen.

We'd been messaging back and forward for a couple of weeks, and for about a week now have been chatting on the phone. (Can't meet up bc lockdown and can't even do a walk bc I care for someone vulnerable, though they've just had the vaccine so in a few weeks we should be able to have SD walks etc).

Anyway, the problem is I can't really stand his accent. We are chalk and cheese in that department. I come from a very working class family with a strong regional accent that people are quite proud of. In school, you'd be bullied for "thinking you were better" if you put on airs and graces. A lot of people try to lose the accent if they want to "move up in the world" but I'm pretty proud that I never tried to hide where I came from and moved up anyway.

He appears to have had the same background but now puts on this really, really posh accent that's a mix of... I don't even know what. It's hard to describe but it just grates on me. I don't find it attractive, and if anything I find it pretty off-putting. I know we're not in school anymore and this is probably going to come across as ridiculous... but I'm just imagining bringing him home to meet the family and my brothers thinking he is a right prick and wondering what the fuck has come over me. They would never take to him. My mum probably would, but she's been known to put on a similar daft accent when answering the phone etc and we never let her hear the end of it (playfully, of course).

Is this stupid?! Like I said, everything else (on paper) sounds great. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and managed to get passed it?

In all honesty my most "successful" relationships have started out slow burns. That is to say, the two serious relationships I've had, I remember having some hang ups re attraction after the first date, and then for whatever reason the attraction grew and grew the more I got to know them. But that's always been looks, never voice. They've always had really nice voices, and in fact I remember specifically dating an ex-colleague just because I loved the way he spoke and he had this insanely attractive gravelly voice (our mutual friends thought I was mad, but I just really really love the way a man talks).

I'd love to hear anyone else's stories / thoughts. Would you cut loose? Wait a few weeks and go on a date? Get over myself and stop being ridiculous? Can it get better?

TIA

Out of interest, are you from the North East OP?

Have a really honest think about whether there is some reverse snobbery going on here from you, particularly the bit about your brother's thinking he is a prick. Surely they wouldn't because of the things you have told them about him before they met?!

Alternatively, if you are letting such a small thing as a telephone voice pit you off, do you really like him enough?

I pick up,accents very easily. I'm from the East Midlands, moved south, picked it up within a coup,e of months. If I spend any time with people from North, I usually lose it.

I once spent a day with my brothers Aussie gf, I was doing her accent within a day. It was very embarrassing, I couldn't stop. Now I'm extremely careful

Sorry, OP, I think you're being a bit ridiculous here. There is absolutely nothing wrong in being aspirational and wanting to speak differently to what you grew up with. The fact you would actually make a decision on relationships based on what seems to be your family's chip on their shoulder about class and accents is a little depressing. Why the hell does it matter what your brothers think?? Class and accent are not indicative of personality or values. And I think reading your posts, you seem defined by where you grew up, and what your parents thought of life, when it should be completely irrelevant once you're an adult who moves out of their family home.

You don't have to date him if it grates, and actually I think he'd be better off with someone who admired him for wanting to break out of the mould he was cast in. Rather than judged him for it. Christ, that defines every economic immigrant who leaves home to build a better life, and does change their accent to better fit the new life they have chosen.

You have no idea if he is faking his accent. But I don't think you will be happy with someone like him, as your complex relationship with class, money, success will likely grate on him, or you will make him feel conscious and uncomfortable about his life choices. If you can be respectful of his decision to speak however he wants, and not care what your family think, go for it. If not, find someone else more compatible.

Also, my children are growing up in East London, and do not have even the faintest whiff of a cockney accent.

I moved every 3-4 years growing up. My parents are from two different places. I have no solid accent and it probably changes depending on who I'm speaking to, why, and when. Great to know some people think I'm fake and judge me

Though honestly op, if this accent thing is really putting you off and you're too worried about what your brothers will say, maybe he's not the one for you. You're allowed to be put off by anything really, there's no rules about that.

And also, although I'm from the East Midlands, I never had a proper accent, I on,undiscovered this when I went to college to do my Alevela and met people with strong accents

@Readytogogogo

Out of interest, are you from the North East OP?

As someone from the North East what are you trying to say about people from the North East?!

If your brothers would behave like you said here - were they bullies at school, too? To people who brought it only on to themselves by being different?

I grew up somewhere with a very strong accent. When I went to uni at 18 no one could understand a word i said. Within weeks I had completely changed my accent and I definitely sound posher than I did back then. I don't think you could identify where I come from when I speak.

As someone from the North East what are you trying to say about people from the North East?!

Only that I got bullied at school (in the North East) for not having a local accent. So I recognise the attitude.

Next time you speak on the phone ask him to speak to you in his non-work phone voice.

Very shallow to base decisions on an accent.

@Chunkymenrock

Very shallow to base decisions on an accent.

Not at all. People are allowed to have whatever boundaries, dealbreakers or conditions when it comes to whom they date; people are not equal opportunity employers with their personal space and time. If more people - women, that is, men don't seem to feel any compunction for how they feel, and why should they? - spent time working on these boundaries and stopped foolishly feeling guilty about them, there'd be fewer shitty relationships. Nothing at all shallow about 'this doesn't work for me let's move on' early on.

Maybe he’s having the same conversation in reverse.

“She sounds as rough as a badger’s arse”

If he’s laying on the fake ‘posh’ then well, what a fraud - but if he’s simply a product of his environment (aren’t we all?) then you seem Intolerant.

It would appear this is already a dealbreaker.

EarthSight

in school, you'd be bullied for "thinking you were better" if you put on airs and graces

This really gets my back up. It's one thing to not like other people being fake, but I've seen the attitude you speak of here in industrial northern England. They will shame and socially punish anyone who tries to 'get above their station' or dare break the mould. You'd think it would be the upperclasses being assholes and trying to stop social mobility, but it's often done by the working classes themselves. They do the do the job for the elites by making sure no one gets any 'posh ideas'.

Agree with this 100% ^

I come from a place like this but moved away years ago. When I left I had to change my accent because nobody could understand me. Whenever I go back my brothers, neither of whom have ever left the hometown, will mock me for 'being posh' just because I am accustomed to using standard words instead of local dialect now. It's very small minded, as though the accent in this little town is the final authority on 'Proper English' and that I'm some kind of treacherous turncoat because I wanted to have conversations with people outside of a 10 mile radius.

You say your new man has lived and worked all over the world; well clearly that's why he's not got a local accent anymore. Try talking with a Geordie accent in America, or Scouse in Hong Kong; nobody would understand him.

This whole posts says a lot more about how smalltownish your worldview is than it does about him. Maybe think about why you're so judgemental about it. It's a big world out there, why limit yourself to such a tiny pool of local men?

Well he isn't trying to be fake, or is insecure, because he happily said oh that's my phone voice.

So sounds more that perhaps he naturally speaks more clearly and 'neutrally' when on the phone. If he's spent a lot of time outside of the area he grew up in, especially if that area has a strong accent, then that's a perfectly normal and sensible thing to do and something you adopt quite naturally. Lots of people have trouble with strong accents.

He sounds quite down to earth about it... unlike you and your look-down-the-nose brothers, I hate to say!

I agree with others on here. Someone has an insecurity complex and a nasty dose of snotty judgy-ness... but it doesn't sound like it's him (ok maybe it's not you either really - but you've definitely been infected with it!)

I too can't stand the inverse working class snobbery thing. Especially as it's usually a streak an ugly mile wide in the kind of irritating twats who like to proclaim that they 'take people as they find them' and are 'just salt of the earth no-nonsense types'. Yup, except when someone sounds different to you

Yes I think you should meet him and see what he's like. If he's a nice decent guy and your brothers 'wouldn't take to him' because of his voice, then your family are really the problem.

From someone with a very strong local accent who now doesn't have half such a strong accent because, you know, I grew up, moved all round the UK, and that's what happens!

I just personally wish that people didn't HAVE to change the way they speak in order to do it. And the more people who do change, who normalise this kinda pseudo posh americanised queens english way of speaking... I feel like maybe the harder it makes things for other people who don't want to (and shouldn't have to) change the way they speak to get ahead?

Are you talking just about accents here or dialects? Everyone modifies the way they talk a little so that they're easily understood by more people (think that's your 'register' in linguistics). I think that's just savvy or courteous. Trying to sound completely different would be odd but modifying it/watering it down as you've moved around seems pretty commonplace.

I'm from somewhere where the local accent is very strong however nobody would guess I am from there. In fact I've had people ask me where I'm from and when I tell them they say I sound posh. I come from a working class family, I am most definitely not posh and my accent is most definitely not fake either. Not sure why I never picked up a strong accent, I've lived here my entire life.

I think it is natural for people to modify their accent a bit when they move around to other areas, or travel around the world. Also if they go away to university. I met a lot of people when I worked overseas who prided themselves on not 'losing their accents' and to be honest, it just seemed like snobbishness to me (just not in the classic sense). If you like him, give him a but longer and see if it is a deal breaker.

There are no rules about what can be a dealbreaker and what can't. You can decide not to date someone because they eat chips, or like Brahms, or shop at Sainsbury's, or have the wrong sort of treehouse for you, or make noise you don't like when they eat mushrooms, or because they have a dog, or a worm, as a pet.

It's a worry that you're asking on a forum, full of strangers, what the rules are about your preferences. Your preferences are the rules. Beware thinking otherwise. It will lead you down the path of being in a relationship with someone you think you should love, who does things that you think you shouldn't mind.

@WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly I grew up in North Wales where most people in the countryside are working class. England seems to be a lot more rigid as to what certain classes are and aren't allowed to like. If you deviate from that, you get eyebrow lifts, sneers, jibes and little comments intended to keep you in your place. Thankfully I've never experienced it directed at me because people find it fairly difficult to place me on the social ladder because of my accent, but I've heard a few people say 'Oh I don't like classical music, me. Bit too posh'. Like, why are you putting yourself in a box?? Why do they get to commandeer certain types of food, clothes or music??

Read 'Watching the English'. It's brilliant.

This whole posts says a lot more about how smalltownish your worldview is than it does about him. Maybe think about why you're so judgemental about it. It's a big world out there, why limit yourself to such a tiny pool of local men?

Yeah that's basically the point in my post like I said, I know I'M the one being ridiculous.

I've dated a Spanish man and an English man and I'd not really have a clue if those accents were posh or working class or not... it's just the particular way he speaks grates on me for some reason. Probably due to my upbringing, I don't know, or maybe it's just a personal taste thing like how some people aren't personally attracted to fat men / skinny men / overly muscly men.

But again there is a large part of me that WANTS to step away from whatever it js that is making me... put off? Judge? I don't know. Because everything else about him sounds like exactly the type of thing I want and have been looking for forever! (With the disclaimer that he could be making it all up bc OLD so who really knows!)

But the posters saying for example DW from North East DH from Essex and you stop noticing it are encouraging and hopefully I'll be able to meet him soon and see for myself.

+++And yeah I'm aware he could think I'm "rough as a badgers arse" haha, that's okay though, it happens.

@EarthSight

It's really important to like the way your partner sounds and to not get irritated by habits or small things at the beginning.

It doesn't necessarily mean he's ashamed of his background. It's usually a sign that someone has a knack for languages or mimicry, even if they don't know it. It's also to do with getting in tune with the other person - like when you mirror another person's body language. Some people pick up accents easier than others and they get unnecessary criticism or disdain for it. Actors often develop more than accent based to where they live or who they're working with.

Yes! This. I changed my accent aged around 18 when I moved from Kent to London. I didn't 'try' to it just happened when I mixed with a lot of people who sounded 'posh London' not estuary English. I got a lot of stick for it from my family / mates back home though. I think you should judge him on who he is as a person. You say you don't want a fake accent person but you are interested in his earning power, potential support for kids, intellectual conversations etc. Wouldn't those things be attractive enough to make up for the accent? It's tricky though. With my background I find those who fixate on accent annoying. My exH has a Brummie accent which is often mocked by non Brummies. It didn't bother me. Once the marriage went really wrong (* I gave it every chance) & I eventually got 'the ick' as they say, his accent drove me nuts. (it was the walking out and the lack of child support and the stealing that did it, not the accent but that also grated afterwards when it hadn't before, weirdly enough)