Can an accent be a deal breaker?

[Nebaska]

I'll try to keep this brief.

I met a guy online who seems to tick every box I ever had ("seems" is important - I know anyone can be anyone online). Not just looks (although he's V handsome) but more, interests, views on life, goals etc etc. He seems keen.

We'd been messaging back and forward for a couple of weeks, and for about a week now have been chatting on the phone. (Can't meet up bc lockdown and can't even do a walk bc I care for someone vulnerable, though they've just had the vaccine so in a few weeks we should be able to have SD walks etc).

Anyway, the problem is I can't really stand his accent. We are chalk and cheese in that department. I come from a very working class family with a strong regional accent that people are quite proud of. In school, you'd be bullied for "thinking you were better" if you put on airs and graces. A lot of people try to lose the accent if they want to "move up in the world" but I'm pretty proud that I never tried to hide where I came from and moved up anyway.

He appears to have had the same background but now puts on this really, really posh accent that's a mix of... I don't even know what. It's hard to describe but it just grates on me. I don't find it attractive, and if anything I find it pretty off-putting. I know we're not in school anymore and this is probably going to come across as ridiculous... but I'm just imagining bringing him home to meet the family and my brothers thinking he is a right prick and wondering what the fuck has come over me. They would never take to him. My mum probably would, but she's been known to put on a similar daft accent when answering the phone etc and we never let her hear the end of it (playfully, of course).

Is this stupid?! Like I said, everything else (on paper) sounds great. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and managed to get passed it?

In all honesty my most "successful" relationships have started out slow burns. That is to say, the two serious relationships I've had, I remember having some hang ups re attraction after the first date, and then for whatever reason the attraction grew and grew the more I got to know them. But that's always been looks, never voice. They've always had really nice voices, and in fact I remember specifically dating an ex-colleague just because I loved the way he spoke and he had this insanely attractive gravelly voice (our mutual friends thought I was mad, but I just really really love the way a man talks).

I'd love to hear anyone else's stories / thoughts. Would you cut loose? Wait a few weeks and go on a date? Get over myself and stop being ridiculous? Can it get better?

TIA

[4Mongrels]

I think the problem is with you and your brothers. The man hasn’t done anything apart from have a phone voice, which many people do, but you’re already judging him for it and you already know your brothers will do the same.

[altiara]

Can’t you meet up for a walk and then decide after meeting him a couple of times face to face.
There might be lots of reasons for you to cut him loose or the other way around.

[Rebelwithverysharpclaws]

I have a working class (South London) accent. DH is a miner's son and grew up in a pit village in South Yorkshire. He has the poshest accent - learned at grammar school. It does not bother me at all, though I do get a lot of people being very surprised that we are together and asking how we met - they think he is too good for me - because they are silly snobs.

[Okbussitout]

How old are you op? Just your attitude sounds like somone quite young. I understand some communities can be quite colloquial and think people who aren't are posh but to be honest it just makes them look a bit insular and daft. It's one thing to have strong accent but it's quite embarrassing to expect everyone to sound like you who is from the same place.

People sound different depending on family, school, life experience, where they live as an adult, partners etc. Also this no better than you ought to be is really toxic. It stops people from growing and seeks to keep them in their place.

I'm from the North East and lived in London for several years I also have a partner with a fairly generic accent. I don't sound like my family as if I'd used a stong accent to speak when working in London or with international students when at uni people wouldn't have understood me easily. Perhaps he hasn't had the exact upbringing you have? You have absolutely no idea that he's faking anything.

I wouldn't say you sound shallow actually. I think you sound just really insular like yiu haven't been outside of your community much.

[EssentialHummus]

I’ll just lurk here quietly until you say where you’re from OP .

I dunno. Dumping him because he’s faking his accent? Sure. Dumping him because he genuinely sounds posher/different because he’s worked at the other end of the country/something about fitting in at work/whatever else? You could, but it seems awfully shallow and a shame for you both.

Two disclaimers: I’m foreign with an accent that no one can place and which does naturally shift a lot, and I’m a sucker for blokes with rough accents from certain bits of the UK .

[MrsToadlike]

My in-laws who are horrendous snobs judge their sons-in-law for their regional accents. And their grandchildren ended up with the regional accents too!

Personally I don't care how people speak but I would care if someone was putting on an accent. I'd find that quite odd to be honest with you.

[Lorw]

I’m from Newcastle with a broad Geordie accent, my husband is from Essex and has quite a posh cockney twang, when we first started seeing each other it was quite noticeable and I used to laugh, however after about 6 months I didn’t even notice his accent tbh 😁 now he just sounds like him, and I don’t notice the accent difference. Worth thinking about OP.

[Sakurami]

Maybe his parents spoke in a different accent? I'm raising my children in an area with quote a strong accent and dialect and they speak with a more diluted accent than a lot of their friends whose parents are native to the area.

But tbf, you're the one who is sounding snobby.

In answer to your question, it's definitely worth meeting and seeing how you feel.

[Dery]

As PP have said, you’re allowed to call it a day for any reason at such an early stage but perhaps your and your brothers’ attitude to people who sound posh needs to be revised, especially if it puts you off someone who’s otherwise ticking a lot of boxes? Otherwise it seems like you could be missing out on a good thing for a bad reason.

[SaltyTootsieToes]

As per a previous poster above, people can change accent without being fake

I’m not English. Where I’m from, the particular area has a very strong accent, not pronouncing some syllables and emphasis in certain sounds. I’ve lived in the south here for many years and have naturally taken on pronunciation / accent if the south, particularly speaking very clearly (as when I worked, I spoke with many nationalities so speaking clearly was necessary to be understood more easily) but when I get on the telephone to my relatives, I start to sound like them. Additionally, my own D.C. have slightly different accents due to the crowds they mixed with, same area.

[EarthSight]

It's really important to like the way your partner sounds and to not get irritated by habits or small things at the beginning.

It doesn't necessarily mean he's ashamed of his background. It's usually a sign that someone has a knack for languages or mimicry, even if they don't know it. It's also to do with getting in tune with the other person - like when you mirror another person's body language. Some people pick up accents easier than others and they get unnecessary criticism or disdain for it. Actors often develop more than accent based to where they live or who they're working with.

[Boxtroll]

So it's not his actual accent you find off putting. It's the fact he may be faking the accent that you don't like?

I would say give him a chance. I have a generic accent however when I visit my home town, a bit of the counties twang comes back into my accent as I am surrounded by my family who speak that way.

[category12]

If he's told you it's his work/phone voice, then surely it's worth meeting him for a coffee and seeing if he talks like it in person and in public as well?

After all, your family wouldn't be meeting him by phone to take the piss, would they?

[Mammyofasuperbaby]

You can decide not to date someone for any reason but accent does seem trivial to me.
As a side note he may not be faking his accent. I've lived in the same 10 mile radius my entire life in a very working class family but we don't talk with the local accent. People have made assumptions about me being posh ect but it's just the way I talk. My husbands family think that I think I'm better than them but I really don't.
You seem very proud of your accent, how would you feel if someone dumped you because of it - just food for thought as your issues seem to be all class related

[Nebaska]

Do be honest (and you won't like this) but he doesn't sound like the one who thinks he's too good for other people ;-)

Haha, that's okay! It's not that I think I'm "too good for other people"... it's actually the opposite... more of a life of expecting other people are automatically thinking they are too good for you?

I wouldn't say you sound shallow actually. I think you sound just really insular like yiu haven't been outside of your community much.

That's true!

Honestly - wait til you meet him in person before calling this. His overall hotness may totally win you over and you won't give a shite about the phone voice.

Yeah I think that's what I'm going to do after reading all the responses. Also your name + mention of shite tells me you might have an idea of what I'm talking about 😂

It's not "The New Scottish Voice" ala Kevin Bridges, I could maybe possibly cope with that, but it's along similar lines.

Sharing cause it's funny 😂



Like I said I know I'm being ridiculous... I was just wondering if others can overcome something they're not initially attracted to. Like if "I don't date skinny men" or "I don't date tall / short / blonde / whatever men" but then you meet them and realise it's not actually that important.

I think I'll keep chatting for a few more weeks and hopefully meet up, see how things go in person

[countingthestarswithmini]

Are you sure it's a fake accent?

[EarthSight]

in school, you'd be bullied for "thinking you were better" if you put on airs and graces

This really gets my back up. It's one thing to not like other people being fake, but I've seen the attitude you speak of here in industrial northern England. They will shame and socially punish anyone who tries to 'get above their station' or dare break the mould. You'd think it would be the upperclasses being assholes and trying to stop social mobility, but it's often done by the working classes themselves. They do the do the job for the elites by making sure no one gets any 'posh ideas'.

Any attempt to actually escape a struggling, insular upbringing is seen as some sort of personal betrayal, a judgment on the way other people around them live. The very fact some people want to escape it is a harsh reminder that their social class is something to escape from, not to be aspired to. I call this behavioiur class herding. It's a form of tribalism that is less based on supporting others to be successful, and more on comforting themselves that their lifestyle is somehow desirable, no matter how much of a struggle it is.

In case anyone is wondering, I'm working class (but not English).

[rawalpindithelabrador]

Move on from someone for any reason you'd like. Don't feel guilt about it or doubt yourself or fall for female social conditioning. It doesn't work for you, move on.

[Nebaska]

@EarthSight while I agree with you, and think maybe my brothers might be a bit guilty of this... I honestly have no desires to "keep people in their place" or anything like that.

I went out and got a good professional job and tried to "move up" or whatever.

I just personally wish that people didn't HAVE to change the way they speak in order to do it. And the more people who do change, who normalise this kinda pseudo posh americanised queens english way of speaking... I feel like maybe the harder it makes things for other people who don't want to (and shouldn't have to) change the way they speak to get ahead?

This is getting a bit outside the scope of my post, haha, I just find it all pretty interesting.

[BlueThistles]

Sounds like he's being pretentious ... and failing 😂

move on lady 🌺

[percheron67]

I wouldn't like a fake accent - surely you can tell if his accent is real because he would also use good grammar. Also, not everyone living in a "working Class" area would have the same accent. Maybe his parents were not well off but still spoke the Queen's English?

[NeverDropYourMoonCup]

Your family's prejudice towards education is holding you back.


The feeling of actually being with somebody who I could talk about Medieval history, watch Only Connect/Mastermind/BBC4 or enter into a conversation that didn't concern the latest soaps or sport without being told I was a fucking embarrassment/showing them up for being a Smart Arse (I'd said O Sole Mio instead of The Cornetto Song) was fantastic - and, to be absolutely elitist and snobby, it was also a relief to not have to pick my words so that I never went above the vocabulary of The Sun any more.

Still skint, as a clearer speaking voice doesn't automatically translate into earning shitloads, but at least I'm never going to come home to find that somebody has thrown out all my books and the bookcase 'because you're pretending to be something you're not' ever again.

[Member589500]

Voices are important in terms of overall attractiveness but your attitude seems a bit immature.
I am reminded of the bloke I used to work with who jammed up his why aye Geordie accent and made a whole big tiresome thing about the rest of us ‘posh southerners’. Of course he had grown up with 10 x the wealth and opportunity of me and some of the rest of us but because he had a regional northern accent he was all salt of the earth and authentic? Tiresome.

[Member589500]

*hammed up

[Okbussitout]

@BlueThistles

Sounds like he's being pretentious ... and failing 😂

move on lady 🌺

I just think yiu actually have no way of knowing this. Other than lots of assumptions op has made.