Can an accent be a deal breaker?

[Nebaska]

I'll try to keep this brief.

I met a guy online who seems to tick every box I ever had ("seems" is important - I know anyone can be anyone online). Not just looks (although he's V handsome) but more, interests, views on life, goals etc etc. He seems keen.

We'd been messaging back and forward for a couple of weeks, and for about a week now have been chatting on the phone. (Can't meet up bc lockdown and can't even do a walk bc I care for someone vulnerable, though they've just had the vaccine so in a few weeks we should be able to have SD walks etc).

Anyway, the problem is I can't really stand his accent. We are chalk and cheese in that department. I come from a very working class family with a strong regional accent that people are quite proud of. In school, you'd be bullied for "thinking you were better" if you put on airs and graces. A lot of people try to lose the accent if they want to "move up in the world" but I'm pretty proud that I never tried to hide where I came from and moved up anyway.

He appears to have had the same background but now puts on this really, really posh accent that's a mix of... I don't even know what. It's hard to describe but it just grates on me. I don't find it attractive, and if anything I find it pretty off-putting. I know we're not in school anymore and this is probably going to come across as ridiculous... but I'm just imagining bringing him home to meet the family and my brothers thinking he is a right prick and wondering what the fuck has come over me. They would never take to him. My mum probably would, but she's been known to put on a similar daft accent when answering the phone etc and we never let her hear the end of it (playfully, of course).

Is this stupid?! Like I said, everything else (on paper) sounds great. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and managed to get passed it?

In all honesty my most "successful" relationships have started out slow burns. That is to say, the two serious relationships I've had, I remember having some hang ups re attraction after the first date, and then for whatever reason the attraction grew and grew the more I got to know them. But that's always been looks, never voice. They've always had really nice voices, and in fact I remember specifically dating an ex-colleague just because I loved the way he spoke and he had this insanely attractive gravelly voice (our mutual friends thought I was mad, but I just really really love the way a man talks).

I'd love to hear anyone else's stories / thoughts. Would you cut loose? Wait a few weeks and go on a date? Get over myself and stop being ridiculous? Can it get better?

TIA

[Okbussitout]

@Readytogogogo

As someone from the North East what are you trying to say about people from the North East?!

Only that I got bullied at school (in the North East) for not having a local accent. So I recognise the attitude.

Sorry you got bullied. I did too but not for this! I think that attitude is common in loads of places which don't have lots of movement of people. So a small mining town might be different to a city in the region.i also think its not just a North East thing either that insular attitude is common in various places.

[MistakenAgain]

You just need to take it slow and work out whether you like the person.

[DianaT1969]

It would be shallow to drop someone so promising for this. Regional accents often change at university. If you met a Spanish man, you wouldn't know if he had changed accent. You might find out years after marrying him that he speaks nothing like his family. Would you get divorced?
Meet this one and give it a go. What have you got to lose?

[Onelifeonly]

Just meet him! You can drop him at any time for any reason.

Maybe you'll notice the accent less on person. (Maybe you'll pick it up!)

You can't IMO let something like this put you off if all else sounds good. Why would you limit yourself for something that could become a complete irrelevance for you?

Snobbery and bullying over accents are the same as any other types of snobbery and bullying - not to be entertained or tolerated.

[Onelifeonly]

My NE boyfriend at university used to tease me for my southern accent. He wasn't a dyed in the wool member of the working classes, his dad ran the mine!

[MMmomDD]

OP - you need to grow up a bit, and possibly step outside of your little geographical circle. Maybe travel when world goes back to normal....
And once you do that - decide what is really important to you.
At this point you are talking about wanting to
‘step outside of your class’ and live a posher life. But you seem to also be hang up on making sure you don’t ‘change yourself’ - as in wear your accent as some sort of a badge.
It’s a very teenage and black/white sort of viewing of the world.
Also - quite classist, and snobbish.

If you leave your small area - you’ll realise that language is primarily used as a means of communication with people, not as an Id badge. Accents morph so that people understand each other better. It’s completely normal.

You can chose how you speak. But you don’t get to judge someone about the way they speak without knowing much about them. Also - what your brothers would one day think of your future partner - is totally irrelevant. For all you know you may not get on with their GFs...

So - to summarize: you don’t have to date the guy. You might not even have any chemistry.
You do need to sort out your conflicting desires to both leave and stay ‘in your class’.
Good luck

[mumieone]

Absolutely. Accent and voice. Also use of init and words like that. Couldn't find it sexy with the lights off.

[MerlinsSaggyLeftTit]

My DMum sounds really posh, you'd never know her DM was Irish and her DF was from Lancashire. She claims to have no idea why, but it has certainly been like that since she was at school. As a result my accent isn't typical for the area I have lived all my life, but that doesn't mean it is fake. Accents are really interesting things! If his voice annoys you, by all means don't date him, but if you like everything else about him then give it a chance.

[crocuslady]

I know I sound like a snob but the accent in the city where I live is awful. I have lived in several different places and don't sound like anyone I know.

However, I think you should meet this man when it's safe to do so. I once spoke to an ex on the phone and thought he sounded like a controlling posh twat. When I met up with him I found him lovely and generous and his accent didn't matter.

Perhaps you need to put the phone voice to his face in real life OP.

[Suagar]

@Elbels

How do you know he's putting it on? You barely know the man!

Yes this. People don't necessarily retain the same accent they grew up with for the rest of their lives! @Nebaska
It's quite common to unconsciously soak in the accents of work colleagues and others around you, so if they're well spoken, naturally you start taking on their accent too. It might even be necessary because some regional accents and words are hard for even other English speakers to understand.

Also, what's one person's "posh" is another person's "well spoken" i.e. pronouncing and using English words properly . It really grates me when native English speakers can't even speak their own language properly e.g. "should of" instead of "should have" and other such things which make them sound uneducated.

I've come across people who are genuinely posh, but in my experience when people with regional accents say someone is "posh", the person they're referring too is normally just speaking the English language properly and there's snobbery (and perhaps envy) on the part of the regional person. At the end of the day, if it bothers you that much then end it.

[cheeseismydownfall]

You sound a bit obsessed about your need to be perceived as being "authentic" to your roots.

Personally I find people who are very focused on how proper working class they are are often actually very judgemental about people who don't fit - which you and your brothers are proving.

You have absolutely no evidence that he isn't a really nice guy. If your brothers would consider him to be a "right prick" and write him off on the basis of his accent then I think your problem is a bit closer to home tbh.

[Suagar]

@WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly

EarthSight

in school, you'd be bullied for "thinking you were better" if you put on airs and graces

This really gets my back up. It's one thing to not like other people being fake, but I've seen the attitude you speak of here in industrial northern England. They will shame and socially punish anyone who tries to 'get above their station' or dare break the mould. You'd think it would be the upperclasses being assholes and trying to stop social mobility, but it's often done by the working classes themselves. They do the do the job for the elites by making sure no one gets any 'posh ideas'.

Agree with this 100% ^

I come from a place like this but moved away years ago. When I left I had to change my accent because nobody could understand me. Whenever I go back my brothers, neither of whom have ever left the hometown, will mock me for 'being posh' just because I am accustomed to using standard words instead of local dialect now. It's very small minded, as though the accent in this little town is the final authority on 'Proper English' and that I'm some kind of treacherous turncoat because I wanted to have conversations with people outside of a 10 mile radius.

You say your new man has lived and worked all over the world; well clearly that's why he's not got a local accent anymore. Try talking with a Geordie accent in America, or Scouse in Hong Kong; nobody would understand him.

This whole posts says a lot more about how smalltownish your worldview is than it does about him. Maybe think about why you're so judgemental about it. It's a big world out there, why limit yourself to such a tiny pool of local men?

Agree with all this. If the boyfriend has been all over the world, experienced different cultures and perspectives, he'll have a much more open and educated outlook. It's quite telling that all OP can fixate on is his accent. She doesnt seem to have expanded her horizons at all and is still in the childlike phase of taking the close minded thinking of her region as gospel, despite being an adult now.
It's likely they won't be compatible on other areas either (which will cause more insecurity and resentment in the OP) so he's probably better off being with someone similar to him.

[cheeseismydownfall]

Personally, I find people who bang on about how working class they are and how proud they are of their accent are often quite tiresome and dull, as if these things are somehow a substitute for developing their own genuine individuality.

[mylovelydd]

OP - you need to grow up a bit, and possibly step outside of your little geographical circle. Maybe travel when world goes back to normal....
And once you do that - decide what is really important to you.
At this point you are talking about wanting to
‘step outside of your class’ and live a posher life. But you seem to also be hang up on making sure you don’t ‘change yourself’ - as in wear your accent as some sort of a badge.
It’s a very teenage and black/white sort of viewing of the world.
Also - quite classist, and snobbish.

This. You don't get a rosette for being working class and there is nothing wrong with being or sounding 'posh' People are just people.

[Suagar]

@cheeseismydownfall

Personally, I find people who bang on about how working class they are and how proud they are of their accent are often quite tiresome and dull, as if these things are somehow a substitute for developing their own genuine individuality.

From what I've seen, the bragging normally comes from a place of insecurity. It's also why they try to brand everyone who dares speak proper well spoken English as "posh" and bully or bring others down who dare to be different or want to make themselves understandable to people outside their region.

[Nebaska]

From what I've seen, the bragging normally comes from a place of insecurity. It's also why they try to brand everyone who dares speak proper well spoken English as "posh" and bully or bring others down who dare to be different or want to make themselves understandable to people outside their region.

Yeah I agree! Although in this particular case it's not really about "working class"... upper class people still talk with a Scottish accent.

Nicola Sturgeon still talks with a Scottish accent and I'm pretty sure she is understood by most British people 😂.

This is like a weird "Gerard Butler when he's playing an American and failing miserably" type thing which doesn't really do anything for me, which I can't really help.

But yes I guess there is probably some insecurity there... and it probably doesn't come from a very healthy place. But years of "speak properly" when you are speaking properly, you're just using a version of English that is generally accepted can do that to you. As if you are somehow less than. The "putting on airs and graces" attitude I think comes from thinking that others are perceiving you as less than.

For what it's worth I'm capable of speaking clearly and being understood when I'm abroad (most of my colleagues are American!)... I just wouldn't do that when I was speaking to someone who is perfectly capable of understanding my accent / words / dialect, you know?

And again people keep saying I need to grow up etc... I said in my first post I know it's ridiculous This is relationships not AIBU

[Haffiana]

Whichever way you look at it, this is just prejudice.

Judging someone for their accent, no matter whether it is 'inauthentic' or whatever is just a type of snobbery. It is snobbery and bigotry whether or not you are 'working class' or whatever label you make yourself look better with. It is simply putting someone down in order to put yourself up.

It is EXACTLY the same as hating someone because they have changed their hair to eg look more blond than mousey brown, isn't it?

And what is more, OP, you should call your bloody family out on it as well. How can you stand that? What a horrible environment.

[LadyInParis]

God my fiancé is so funny for taking up my words and phrases! It does make me laugh! A 6 ft odd, big guy from Tunisia, with his Tunisian accent and the way that changes his English speaking dialect, suddenly coming out with my often said in my north western accent- bludy ellllll. Or when he came out with this classic- youre gettin on my bludy nerrrvess nowwwwww jeysusssssss.. I tease him mercilessly as he is doing more and more of it as he starts to hear more and more from me- and I find it the most funny thing I have ever heard!! Certain phrases, said in my accent, but with his Tunisian twinge. ‘Tis hilarious! However me, I also pick up accents quite quickly, or divert back to thick north west accent after talking on the phone with my grandad. But it’s up to you if you find you have the ick because of it. Meet him and you’ll know!!

[LadyInParis]

It is EXACTLY the same as hating someone because they have changed their hair to eg look more blond than mousey brown, isn't it?

Well not exactly I mean- everyone has a right to a preference don’t they? What they are attracted to? And therefore has the right to choose a mate based on that surely? To use your example (in a way!) my partner is more attracted to me when I go blonde and grow out my hair. But he met me when I had my natural “mousy brown” hair that was short. And still dated me. Either way he is attracted to me so in that way yes. But you’re comparing apples and oranges in a way. Some women/ men prefer blondes, some prefer the natural “mousy brown” (god I hate that term!) to cut it short- some people prefer brown hair some blonde. And that’s ok. And once love and bond and trust is developed, a deeper attraction comes into play. So that if the woman or man changes hair colour then, it doesn’t matter to them. As in my case. So she has every right to choose anything that seems pretentious or on the face of it to either like him more or like him less, and that’s ok. Because in the beginning that is all we have to go off isn’t it? If my fiancé was short when we met, I’m not sure I would have been so attracted to him, but as it stands I’m lucky he isn’t as I would have missed out on a great man. But isn’t that life?

[askmeagainin5]

@MistakenAgain

You just need to take it slow and work out whether you like the person.

This.

You’ve thought this into a massive thing in your head. In your post where you’re talking about how you’ve always been the breadwinner and maybe it’d be nice to move to the posh area he now lives in - you haven’t even met him! You don’t need to stress yourself out with thoughts of who would be the main breadwinner in a relationship with a man you don’t even know!

Relax OP, see what it’s like when you meet him and you might really like him

[Haffiana]

@LadyInParis

It is EXACTLY the same as hating someone because they have changed their hair to eg look more blond than mousey brown, isn't it?

Well not exactly I mean- everyone has a right to a preference don’t they? What they are attracted to? And therefore has the right to choose a mate based on that surely? To use your example (in a way!) my partner is more attracted to me when I go blonde and grow out my hair. But he met me when I had my natural “mousy brown” hair that was short. And still dated me. Either way he is attracted to me so in that way yes. But you’re comparing apples and oranges in a way. Some women/ men prefer blondes, some prefer the natural “mousy brown” (god I hate that term!) to cut it short- some people prefer brown hair some blonde. And that’s ok. And once love and bond and trust is developed, a deeper attraction comes into play. So that if the woman or man changes hair colour then, it doesn’t matter to them. As in my case. So she has every right to choose anything that seems pretentious or on the face of it to either like him more or like him less, and that’s ok. Because in the beginning that is all we have to go off isn’t it? If my fiancé was short when we met, I’m not sure I would have been so attracted to him, but as it stands I’m lucky he isn’t as I would have missed out on a great man. But isn’t that life?

This so spectacularly misses the point. It isn't about what turns you on. Everyone is attracted to whatever they are attracted to.

It would be - in this analogy - the equivalent of looking down on someone who dyes their hair because it isn't their 'authentic' hair colour.

And not wanting to date a person who dyed their hair because their family would disapprove of someone who dyed their hair because they would somehow believe that someone who was a bottle blonde would be making out that they are better than those with brown hair.

[LadyInParis]

@Haffiana You’re right actually

[themental]

It would be - in this analogy - the equivalent of looking down on someone who dyes their hair because it isn't their 'authentic' hair colour.

But loads of people do this loads of the time.

You've never come across a man who specifically doesn't like the fake look? Fake boobs, eyelashes, lips etc?

A woman who doesn't like the covered in tattoos look? Or the skinny jeans with no socks and geek glasses look?

The changes people make to their appearance can, not always, but can say a lot about them. Or at least about who they are trying to be.

Since when is not being personally attracted to something the same as looking down on them?

[cheeseismydownfall]

OP, have you ever called your brothers out on their ignorant attitudes and bullying behaviour? They sound really unpleasant.

[cheeseismydownfall]

My mum probably would, but she's been known to put on a similar daft accent when answering the phone etc and we never let her hear the end of it (playfully, of course).

Classic bullying 'banter".
"But we are only messing around".
"Jesus, don't take it so seriously".

I guess your mother must be happy about it but if I was the guy in question I would run a fucking mile from this kind of attitude and the ridiculous inverse snobbery.