How did you know your marriage was over?

[madhouse23]

Hi,

Looking for some advice on when you knew your marriage was over and there was no saving it?

The last couple years have been rocky to say the least and I keep trying to fight to keep the marriage alive but I'm not sure how I'd know if it was time to stop?

I'm in the same position. The last few years have been so hard and I found myself wanting my marriage to be over, my dh told me last night he plans to leave. I'm not asking him to stay although I am incredibly sad I just can't get the words out. I don't know if I want him too leave but I don't know if I want him to stay either. I'm so confused so I really can't help. Do you imagine your life without him? Happier even?

I think it's when communication breaks down completely or when one person leaves.

If there's no effort to sort out differences...then that's it. If there are constant arguments...and no efforts to change or make some adjustments, then things are over.

What is happening for you?

In hindsight it was obvious but at the time l was still trying to make it work. One incident that sticks in my mind was a wedding we went to, there was a sweepstake for correctly guessing the length of the speeches. Then husband (now ex) laughed when he heard my answer, said l was wrong and basically an idiot. Awkward especially when others heard and we didn’t even know them. Of course l got closest out of every one at the wedding and won the sweepstake. Not bad for someone who is an idiot

@Listenkid

I'm in the same position. The last few years have been so hard and I found myself wanting my marriage to be over, my dh told me last night he plans to leave. I'm not asking him to stay although I am incredibly sad I just can't get the words out. I don't know if I want him too leave but I don't know if I want him to stay either. I'm so confused so I really can't help. Do you imagine your life without him? Happier even?

I'm so sorry to hear you are in the same position and your husband has decided to leave. I can imagine how numb you must be feeling. I hope you can finally be happy again and find yourself as I can imagine you must feel pretty lost of late.

I feel some days I could be happier and other days I feel as though I couldn't live a life without him.

I love him with all my heart but I feel like I'm married to a different person than the one I fell in love with.

@FortunesFave

I think it's when communication breaks down completely or when one person leaves.

If there's no effort to sort out differences...then that's it. If there are constant arguments...and no efforts to change or make some adjustments, then things are over.

What is happening for you?

Thanks for the advice.

Some days I feel like we communicate well and we have plans and ways to change and other days we are right back to square one. Lately it feels as though we are squabbling over the slightest inconvenience. Some days I feel as though we can find happiness again and other days I feel like the wall between us is getting higher.

We have 2 DC (both toddlers) and he is an amazing father to them and an overall nice person but lately I don't feel like we are gelling at all.

@EL8888

In hindsight it was obvious but at the time l was still trying to make it work. One incident that sticks in my mind was a wedding we went to, there was a sweepstake for correctly guessing the length of the speeches. Then husband (now ex) laughed when he heard my answer, said l was wrong and basically an idiot. Awkward especially when others heard and we didn’t even know them. Of course l got closest out of every one at the wedding and won the sweepstake. Not bad for someone who is an idiot

Im sorry to hear about the way he treated you. There's no need for it. I'm glad to hear you are no longer together and hope you have found happiness. There's no verbal/emotional or physical abuse with DH just a feeling of distance and constant bickering.

bestlifeonline.com/signs-your-marriage-is-over/

Not sure if this article may be of help. Op, sorry you find yourself in this situation. Hope the thread helps.

I would consider are you more unhappy than unhappy, what makes you unhappy and by how much. Personally l think him being a bit crap at washing up for example, is very different to him being dismissive and condescending of you

@Notsureaboutmuch

bestlifeonline.com/signs-your-marriage-is-over/

Not sure if this article may be of help. Op, sorry you find yourself in this situation. Hope the thread helps.

Thank you, I will have a read of this shortly. Time to take the kids out for some fresh air.

@EL8888

I would consider are you more unhappy than unhappy, what makes you unhappy and by how much. Personally l think him being a bit crap at washing up for example, is very different to him being dismissive and condescending of you

Thank you. It's hard as some days I would say I'm most unhappy and then other days I'd say I could be happy and he's a great person. I just feel a wide space between us lately, I don't feel the love that he once had for me. I know he loves the kids and he's great with them but when it comes to me I feel as though I'm just a habit for him.

Unless he is being an arsehole with and around the children and unless he is refusing to do his fair share of the parenting, I think it’s premature to decide it’s over.

Young children put a huge strain on even the strongest relationships. A friend warned us - imagine how you are with each other when you’re at your most tired and strung out - you’ll be like that a lot in the early years. It was a very helpful insight. Toddlers are amazing but also extremely demanding to parent. Also they don’t do much wrong but they endlessly do things that are extremely inconvenient. A lot of your resulting annoyance will be suppressed from them (which is as it should be) but will come out with the co-parent. Is there anyone who could take the children for a night or a weekend to allow you some couple time? You might find that really helpful - if only to give you both some downtime.

@EL8888 is so spot on with 'in hindsight it was obvious'.
Me too, now I see my relationship was over years before I realised it, just plodded on for the kids. (Who as it turns out, are perfectly happy we've split and understand).

But, one memory that stuck in my mind was when a friend said 'my dh (hers!) is going away for the weekend, yay' and we chinked our prosecco glasses and talked about all the lovely things she would do that weekend. Then later I realised, this was permanent for me, not just a weekend, I'd always prefer he wasn't there. So, why were we still together?

I found a lump in my breast. Fortunately completely benign ‘a mouse’ they called it just a fatty lump.
He absolutely did not care, I had more support from colleagues than from him.

Lots & lots of abusive problems for many years but the clincher was when I came home from work to find he had done bugger all for the whole day, not even feed himself or make himself a drink, was still in pyjamas, & the first thing he said was he'd have a cup of tea if I was making one. He wasn't ill, it was a day off.

I suddenly had a vision of life with him in retirement & that was that. I moved out a couple of months later.

“I just feel a wide space between us lately, I don't feel the love that he once had for me. I know he loves the kids and he's great with them but when it comes to me I feel as though I'm just a habit for him.”

This sounds very fixable to me. I think it’s all to do with the demands of parenting. Also, are you by any chance an SAHM? No criticism intended (SAHPs do an amazing job) but it can skew things if he’s out enjoying adult company all day whereas you’re starved of adult company and longing for his return. He needs to be alive to that. I think a weekend away or at least some time to yourselves could help enormously.

My marriage was probably over about ten years before I actually called time on it (hindsight is a wonderful thing). I flogged a dead horse for YEARS. It was only when I caught him cheating I finally saw the light. Don’t be me. Talk seriously with him, go for counselling (either together or on your own). I am not saying be premature about it, but weigh up the pros and cons of your relationship- life really is too short to be miserable.

I also have children of the same age as yours and I think it’s physically and emotionally very hard on you as individuals and a strain on even the tightest of marriages. I read your question and the answers with interest for my own situation. I would say just don’t do anything two hasty with such young children, as this stage in life will pass.

When I had a miscarriage early in to our marriage and he was not in the least bit supportive.
When I had pneumonia and two children under 18 months, he insisted on going to work and would not cancel a works night out meaning he would not be home until the following day. I really should have left him then, but the usual story having given up my career to be a sahm kept me there.
Later when he started refusing to come on family holidays meaning I took the children on my own. Actually we had better holidays without him.
During this period he started coming to bed in his dressing gown when he had always slept naked.
I stopped cooking for him, he was also 'away with work more than usual'
We have been divorced 10 years now and I wish I had been brave enough to end it when my children were little. I just so did not want my children to come from a broken home and saw it as a failure on my part.

I knew when I realised I was inventing reasons to stay late at work, rather than go home, and that we could go a whole weekend without saying a word to each other, but that I would consider that a good result vs. The alternative of squabbling until it escalated into a full on row again

I was very ill and needed talking to hospital.

On the way, in front of the kids, he told me I'd ruined his day.

The nastiness in his voice had never left me.

He was a gaslighting prick but only realised once the scales fell.

When I realised that not only did I not love him anymore, I actively disliked him. When he touched me I flinched.

He was not abusive but we were terrible together.

@Dery

Unless he is being an arsehole with and around the children and unless he is refusing to do his fair share of the parenting, I think it’s premature to decide it’s over.

Young children put a huge strain on even the strongest relationships. A friend warned us - imagine how you are with each other when you’re at your most tired and strung out - you’ll be like that a lot in the early years. It was a very helpful insight. Toddlers are amazing but also extremely demanding to parent. Also they don’t do much wrong but they endlessly do things that are extremely inconvenient. A lot of your resulting annoyance will be suppressed from them (which is as it should be) but will come out with the co-parent. Is there anyone who could take the children for a night or a weekend to allow you some couple time? You might find that really helpful - if only to give you both some downtime.

Thanks for the advice. He's definitely not an arsehole and I definitely don't want to prematurely end things as we have been together since we were 13!

The kids are out today for a couple hours so see if it helps. They go out during the week but usually working so the time is rarely spent the two of us unless the kids are in bed.

[quote arethereanyleftatall]@EL8888 is so spot on with 'in hindsight it was obvious'.
Me too, now I see my relationship was over years before I realised it, just plodded on for the kids. (Who as it turns out, are perfectly happy we've split and understand).

But, one memory that stuck in my mind was when a friend said 'my dh (hers!) is going away for the weekend, yay' and we chinked our prosecco glasses and talked about all the lovely things she would do that weekend. Then later I realised, this was permanent for me, not just a weekend, I'd always prefer he wasn't there. So, why were we still together? [/quote]
That's definitely not ideal. I'm fortunate right now that I'm not at that stage. I look forward to spending time with him even if it's spent in silence I just miss how things used to be. We used to have so much fun together.

@Tlollj

I found a lump in my breast. Fortunately completely benign ‘a mouse’ they called it just a fatty lump. He absolutely did not care, I had more support from colleagues than from him.

I'm so sorry to hear you had no support in your husband. Your husband is supposed to be your rock and the person you can turn too. I'm glad things turned out okay with your health scare!

@PussGirl

Lots & lots of abusive problems for many years but the clincher was when I came home from work to find he had done bugger all for the whole day, not even feed himself or make himself a drink, was still in pyjamas, & the first thing he said was he'd have a cup of tea if I was making one. He wasn't ill, it was a day off.

I suddenly had a vision of life with him in retirement & that was that. I moved out a couple of months later.

I'm glad you made the big step to move on. That doesn't sound a nice way to live. Complete and utter laziness and disrespect to you.