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Original poster

When did you stop loving your husband?

51 replies

BriefCrow · 21/02/2021 21:07

And how did you feel? I feel a bit sick and sad and empty but bizarrely relieved?

I think I stopped loving mine last night. He was on a night shift and I was using his computer. He left in a rush, a dozen tabs were open. Facebook was logged in and I'm a glutton for punishment so I invaded his privacy and saw an exchange between him and a woman he knows who has started selling naked pictures of herself. He has gone back and deleted messages as it's jumbled up and doesn't read coherently, so I can't work out if he paid for the photographs or "just" offered his opinion Hmm

Anyway. I checked my period tracker and would you believe that at 1am that night we had sex. Their message exchanged ranged 11pm-midnight. So you see, he got turned on by her and then fucked me. The hilarious thing is that we're 3 years into infertility and sex is a bit of a regimented thing anyway, so I remember being pleasantly surprised that he was being so spontaneous Envy

I've spent the day ignoring him. I feel like a flat balloon. We've been together for 10 years and but that really was the final nail in the coffin. He killed my love for him. And I'm wasting my precious weekend thinking about my next steps.

Sorry to start such a depressing thread on a Sunday night but I would be interested to hear about other people's experiences who have been there and done that.

OP posts:
tictac86 · 21/02/2021 21:15

Popped in for a hand hold but also advice. How do you know that you really have stopped loving your husband as I'm pretty sure I have stopped loving mine. Is there any way back

AlohaMolly · 21/02/2021 21:23

I’m so sorry you made those discoveries OP, it’s a shitter isn’t it? I made similar discoveries early on in my relationship with DP but was pregnant so chose to ignore it.

We aren’t married but I don’t love mine anymore. It’s been since Christmas - I want another baby, he doesn’t. It’s not that bit that’s done it, though, it’s the fact that he won’t even have the conversation with me to tell me why. I’ve spent the best part of four months crying about no second baby and he can’t give me anything beyond ‘I just can’t be bothered’ and the silent treatment.

If I were you I’d hope I could just pack my stuff and fuck off. Fuxking covid though.

tictac86 · 21/02/2021 23:25

Covid is making so many so unhappy in different ways. I hope you ladies find strength and happiness

Clovertoast · 21/02/2021 23:55

He didnt bother coming to the birth of his second child because he found it too stressful. I knew there was no way back from that.
I.loathe him. I ended it nearly 2 years ago and I'm glad.

Toomanyquestions22 · 21/02/2021 23:58

I have left my husband now. A couple of months In to single life.
I think I stopped loving him a long time ago but was so desperate to make it work, I ignored the signs. When I look back, it was obvious.
He's been verbally abusive, controlling and a real game player at times messing with my head (gas lighting and stone walling) so lots of reasons for me to slowly lose respect for him and fall out of love.
But the things that made me realise that I didn't love him anymore were when I started to wish he'd have an affair so that I could leave him without feeling guilty. Knowing that he'd be happy with someone else and I could walk away without a care.
Something that I haven't admitted too in real life to anyone is, he had an accident a while back (could have caused death but he was very lucky) and when he told me, I felt nothing. All I felt was saddness for our child because of the possibility of them growing up without their father.
I felt no saddness for me. Infact, again, I felt like if the worse would have happened, then I could have moved on with someone else one day and everyone would have been happy for me rather then judging me for leaving my marriage.
I hate I've admitted that.

Heartofgoldmumof2 · 22/02/2021 00:02

Sorry OP that you are in this situation. Just want to give you a virtual hug.

For me it was when my husband made it clear that he was happy me for to shoulder all of the strain: financial responsibility for the family, all food prep for kids, all household chores and jobs, food shopping, laundry, cleaning, car maintenance. Now home schooling. While he sits on his arse. He has since developed an addiction to collecting video games and buying trainers on sale that he does not need.

tumbleit · 22/02/2021 08:23

Mine was a gradual thing. I still can't pinpoint when it happened, but when I did leave him, I only felt relief, it was easy to leave because I simply didn't love him. How do you feel at the prospect of actually living life without him?

Masterpieceontheshelf · 22/02/2021 08:29

Mine was gradual, but the nail in the coffin was when he made a decision that massively financially gave him an advantage to the cost of my financial disadvantage (especially heart-breaking because of his high earnings and wealthy family compared to mine).
Took me over a decade to leave - I would have left earlier if he hadn't 'contracted me in' as above, which I assume was the purpose.

In your circumstances I would leave as soon as possible, COVID or no Covid

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 22/02/2021 08:30

Stopped loving the first one when it became clear he saw me as some sort of subservient employee. He stopped loving me when he realised he couldn’t outsmart me.

Last one, I never stopped. I tried to empathise and support his preferences and MH but eventually I could bear it no more and chucked him out. I still believe he was probably happier on his own.

pointythings · 22/02/2021 09:48

I didn't stop loving mine when I realised he was an alcoholic.
I didn't stop loving him when rehab didn't work because he valued drink more than he valued us.
I didn't even stop loving him when he threatened to kill me and I had to call the police to get him removed from the house.

The turning point came 5 months after he moved out, when DD1 was in hospital with major abdo pain, and I tried to contact him to let him know and got no response whatsoever. None. That was it.

Pyewackect · 22/02/2021 09:53

Yes you're right, it is a depressing thread.

bombastical · 22/02/2021 09:54

For me it was when we had our first child and one night he told me to “shut that fucking baby up”

Loocheeyar · 22/02/2021 14:43

Just recently he called me a c**t to my 6 year old . I can’t seem to come back across that line .

SoulofanAggron · 22/02/2021 15:00

Yes you're right, it is a depressing thread.

@Pyewackect I see it as women realizing they are/were being treated badly. Having seen the reality of these men, they're now more able to break free. Drawing a line can be great- some keep tolerating bollox for infinity.

Realizing a bloke is not ok is the main psychological step to freedom. Liberty is awesome. I wish all PP's the means/ability to physically free themselves ASAP.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/02/2021 15:05

@Loocheeyar

Just recently he called me a c**t to my 6 year old . I can’t seem to come back across that line .
Oh my god, please tell me you have ended this relationship?
Twinkie01 · 22/02/2021 15:12

31st January 2020 at about 7.45pm.

Found his texts to his affair partner.

2anddone · 22/02/2021 15:12

For me it was the night before our wedding when I found out he had left our 8 month old with his mum to sleep with someone else while I was on my hen weekend!

I went through with the wedding and after 7 years and numerous more cheating episodes he moved out. Been gone 8 years now and it's only since covid lockdown 1 I realised I don't actually need him!

Stillfunny · 22/02/2021 15:15

@BriefCrow I had a similar experience.I immediately stopped loving him when I read the messages on his second , secret phone. It explained why he had been do cold and distant.Then I started loathing him when, on closer inspection , I realised that he had cheated on me with more than one person , from dating sites. Including a gay one .
@Toomanyquestions22 . I was glad I discovered it as then I had good reason to leave him. But definitely , I would be better off emotionally and financially if he had got Covid and died . So I am admitting it here too.

dublingirl66 · 22/02/2021 15:19

When the bastard started to abuse me at 4 weeks pregnant

Scum

Will be seeing him in criminal court very soon

Loocheeyar · 22/02/2021 15:24

Yes ended . Just working out houses etc . After years of financial abuse too I have nothing , in rented house in debt with a disability . But still better than waiting for it all to get worse . I can’t stay .

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/02/2021 15:27

@Loocheeyar

Yes ended . Just working out houses etc . After years of financial abuse too I have nothing , in rented house in debt with a disability . But still better than waiting for it all to get worse . I can’t stay .
I'm so sorry, you poor thing. You're absolutely doing the right (and brave!) thing for your little one Thanks
Josuk · 22/02/2021 15:30

@BriefCrow

Don’t know Op, in the grand scheme of things that doesn’t seem that unforgivable.
I think struggling to conceive for three years is quite dramatic. And for you - an immense emotional rollercoaster. I have seen many women become deeply unhappy and disappointed with life during that time. And as a result - their relationships suffered immensely.
And for a man to perform a ‘duty’ on a monthly basis is also harder than any of us can understand. In the end - we can just think of England. Duty, regimented, schedules sex is not easy to sustain for this long.
So - I’d not blame him for seeing a bit of visual aid for that. I do wonder why not just use porn, as there is so much of it around.

Before you decide to act - I’d talk to him. You both are in it together and are suffering in your own ways.

Original poster
BriefCrow · 22/02/2021 15:59

Josuk

I see what you're saying. I haven't yet decided what to do. We have had our ups and downs over the last decade, including an interlude of a long distance relationship which was open. The key rule was "no one that you know".

The regiment of having sex when I'm ovulating isn't my choice. At some point the conversations turned to revolving around: are you ovulating? When I tried to initiate anything.

The "visual aid" feels like cheating. It's not just porn, it's a woman he knows. How did that conversation begin in the first place? How long has it been going on? Did he send anything back? How could he do this to me?

I just feel so sick. We used to be happy.

OP posts:
WouldstrokeTomHardy · 22/02/2021 16:17

It's a bit more than a visual aid to be fair. He's been sending her messages and deleting some. Why? Sorry OP, I'd be digging further.

RetireReady · 22/02/2021 16:24

When I found a comment on a website about how good my husband was in a threesome (not with me!) and this threesome was also the week I had had a miscarriage of our planned first child. Unfortunately I didn't find the comment until years later.