Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When did you stop loving your husband?

51 replies

BriefCrow · 21/02/2021 21:07

And how did you feel? I feel a bit sick and sad and empty but bizarrely relieved?

I think I stopped loving mine last night. He was on a night shift and I was using his computer. He left in a rush, a dozen tabs were open. Facebook was logged in and I'm a glutton for punishment so I invaded his privacy and saw an exchange between him and a woman he knows who has started selling naked pictures of herself. He has gone back and deleted messages as it's jumbled up and doesn't read coherently, so I can't work out if he paid for the photographs or "just" offered his opinion Hmm

Anyway. I checked my period tracker and would you believe that at 1am that night we had sex. Their message exchanged ranged 11pm-midnight. So you see, he got turned on by her and then fucked me. The hilarious thing is that we're 3 years into infertility and sex is a bit of a regimented thing anyway, so I remember being pleasantly surprised that he was being so spontaneous Envy

I've spent the day ignoring him. I feel like a flat balloon. We've been together for 10 years and but that really was the final nail in the coffin. He killed my love for him. And I'm wasting my precious weekend thinking about my next steps.

Sorry to start such a depressing thread on a Sunday night but I would be interested to hear about other people's experiences who have been there and done that.

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 22/02/2021 17:03

When he refused to mind DS so I could attend an interview. I think he knew that I would be getting a job and his days of financially, mentally and physically abusing me were over. I left that night.

He is now broken and in his 60s alone. Reap what you sow.

Kitty2019 · 22/02/2021 17:54

When we were living overseas and I was crying after receiving a call that my dad had a massive stroke. He told me to "stop the drama as at least he isn't dead yet". I was dashing around trying to arrange flights, childcare etc and he offered no support.

Original poster
BriefCrow · 22/02/2021 18:34

WouldstrokeTomHardy

It's a bit more than a visual aid to be fair. He's been sending her messages and deleting some. Why? Sorry OP, I'd be digging further.

Yeah at this point I suspect he's "subscribed" to her and paying her a monthly amount.

His banking is online so I'd never see a statement. His phone is face ID so I'd never see anything there. I've tried looking for her on Facebook but she must have blocked me because her profile does not come up when I search for her name, even exactly. Of course I'm wondering whose idea it was to block me. I've never met her. His Facebook friends are hidden, too.

I'm a bit stumped as to where to go from here.

He's being extra time to me today while I'm stomping around in a foul mood.

OP posts:
WouldstrokeTomHardy · 22/02/2021 19:18

You could make a new Facebook account. Get a profile picture from the net. Make sure the lady in the picture is his cup of tea, maybe a racy picture. Hide your friends list and post a few bits over the next few days (any old bullshit will do). Then send the twat a friend request. Basically catfish the bastard and you can look up the woman too. His friends list is tricky.

I bet he uses cam girls and all that. Does he have a high sex drive?

Original poster
BriefCrow · 22/02/2021 19:45

WouldstrokeTomHardy

You could make a new Facebook account. Get a profile picture from the net. Make sure the lady in the picture is his cup of tea, maybe a racy picture. Hide your friends list and post a few bits over the next few days (any old bullshit will do). Then send the twat a friend request. Basically catfish the bastard and you can look up the woman too. His friends list is tricky.

I bet he uses cam girls and all that. Does he have a high sex drive?

He knows her and I believe that he gets a kick out of that.

My friend is going to look her up for me. I feel so humiliated asking her to do this for me.

He doesn't have a high sex drive at all, funnily enough. That's one of the issues in our relationship. I used to get very upset when he masturbated because if he's horny maybe twice per month and if he "wastes" one of those days then I'm left feeling frustrated, at the very least. We never have sex when I want to, unless it was TTC.

I'm now feeling very cynical about a lot of things. He's been struggling to get an appointment with the GP for a referral to the infertility clinic and I'm wondering if he's just stringing me along.

I feel on the verge of bursting and confronting him about it but I suspect he will just hide things better. So my options are, really, to carry on as though nothing happened or break up with him.

OP posts:
WouldstrokeTomHardy · 22/02/2021 19:51

Oh @BriefCrow I'm so sorry he's done this to you and I hope you can make a decision that makes YOU happy eventually.

AnaisNun · 22/02/2021 20:02

When I had a 12 week old breastfed baby, and needed an urgent colposcopy, and the arsehole came home drunk at 2 in the afternoon when he was supposed to look after our son.

Had to take the baby with me and hold him on my chest/breastfeed while they did the procedure- hugely against the rules I suspect but the gynae didn’t want to leave it.

When I got home he completely denied he’d been drinking and claimed I was hallucinating when I saw him swigging from a bottle in the bathroom.

This was particularly vile in hindsight as I had severe postpartum anxiety/OCD (looking back it may have been borderline psychosis) and my “obsession” was that I would in fact develop PPP, lose my mind and hurt our baby. He knew this and absolutely used it against me, when I was hugely vulnerable.

funnylittlefloozie · 22/02/2021 20:13

It was about 15 years ago. Hes gone to rugby, got steaming drunk as usual, and asked me to pick him up from the railway station. It was an away game, and the nearest station he was getting back to was on a different line from the one in our town. So, i packed my 3 year old into the car and drove 15 miles to collect him from the station.

He was absolutely steaming drunk. I took a short-cut through the town as I wanted to get home, and accidentally took a wrong turning. He called me a "dull c*nt"...if i hadnt had DD in the car, i would have just got out and walked away at that moment.

I stuck it out for another 9 years, but the love, which was already dwindling due to his drinking, his mental health and his all-round nastiness and selfishness, was gone from that point onwards. He left five and a half years ago, and I have never looked back. I now live with my kind, generous loving and thoughtful partner, and my life couldnt be more different. I just wish i hadnt dragged it out so long.

user1481840227 · 22/02/2021 20:29

I read your first post thinking how refreshing it was to see someone who had just been betrayed decide that the relationship was over and that he had killed your love for him. I know that sometimes people feel like that initially but they still go through so many emotions afterwards as part of the relationship grieving process.
I was going to say stopping loving him was great and ending the relationship was great (which I assumed you would do if you didn't love him) and really it's an act of self love to get out of relationships you don't want to be in.

So I was saddened to read your further updates checking the womans page and getting your friend to check and so on.

No mans behaviour should make you have to turn into a private detective.

It sounds like there's a lot of issues in your relationship, staying because you "used to be happy" doesn't really ever work out.

Wiredforsound · 22/02/2021 20:39

When I found out he had a very active sex life with other men.

geoblip · 22/02/2021 21:52

I wouldn't TTC with him, he's sound awful
I think you'll have to admit you what you found and it obviously is dodgy as it's been deleted, it will eat you up, unfortunately this is the kind of man he is, I would get out now before being tied to him with children.

Itsjustamoment · 22/02/2021 22:22

When he was promising he’d never lie to me again while still lying to me....

Josuk · 22/02/2021 23:00

@BriefCrow

OP - have the two of you been to see your GP re TTC? After 3 years you both need to go and get checked out.
The way you are describing your relationship is that the physical side has stopped being a marital sex life that binds a couple together, and turned into effort to procreate. Not saying you did it - but it’s where the two of you are.
And I can’t imagine how draining and tiring this must be for the both of you.

It’s very hard to comment not knowing anything about your history/circumstances. But from the little info you have given - it does seem to me less of a ‘cheating’ sort of scenario and more of a somewhat questionable porn use. Doesn’t seem like he was trying to do anything in real life with the woman. She is after making money off selling her images - and for him it gave him a bit of excitement. (Still strange why not regular porn, but all to their own)

I think your reaction is amplified with all the other issues around sex in your relationship. His low libido, and unsuccessful TTC for years surely affect you.

What do you really want? Do you want to continue TTC? Do you want to try to work on your relationship?

You have had an open relationship before. So you both are able to live with broadly defined boundaries. This is so minor in comparison to how you were before.
Which makes me think you are transferring bigger issues/regrets/resentments/unhappiness onto this event, that can be cleared up with a simple conversation.

AmandaHoldensLips · 22/02/2021 23:16

@Josuk sounds like mansplaining to @BriefCrow

Josuk · 22/02/2021 23:32

@AmandaHoldensLips
Why? Because I have a different point of view to you?
And the best argument is to call me some slur - a man 🤷🏻‍♀️

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 23/02/2021 09:08

I'm so sorry OP, what a horrible shock for you.

I would really strongly suggest you stop TTC until you're clear in your mind about what you want.

You mentioned him "struggling" to get a gp appointment - I'm sorry but this does sound like complete bollocks. It's 20 years since I had fertility appointments but I've had several gp appointments in the last year, all of which have been on the phone, and have been referred twice which has come through within a month in each case.

Given that he's deleted some of the conversation with the onlyfans woman, but left himself logged in, do you think he's possibly done that on purpose for you to find, a very passive aggressive action to say "yeah actually I don't want a child" rather than pulling his pants up and using his words?

Her blocking you is very odd. I sell on onlyfans but it's not linked to my real-life Facebook. Twice I've had people message me on there who i thought were acquaintances and I blocked them straight away. But hey, I'm old and wary, some creators are far more naive trusting than me.

StarCourt · 23/02/2021 14:33

I fell out of love with mine the day we went to my pregnancy scan and found out I was having a girl.
He was so disappointed he had to go and call his mum to tell her how bad it was.

hp654 · 25/02/2021 09:22

I stopped loving mine after he went into several depressions and removed physical contact with me, at the time my DD was small and I had my Dad them Mum with dememtia to care for, whilst all this was happening I also cared for and supported my disabled brother so I had no time for me and how I felt, so I continued in a loveless sexless marriage for over 12 years. For a while we were still friends then he became angry and abusive. After my parents and brother had passed away and my DD left for uni only then did I have the energy and balls to leave him.
I later found out he was gay and knew our whole marriage, hence the anger issues he was not man enough to leave. To make matters worse he stole half my inheritance and I tried to go back with legal advice but I had signed a document so it was no go, he in effect has everything I ever worked for.
However at the time I could not leave due to my circumstances, I know I should have but I didn't have the guts.
I am much happier even though my future (and pension) is not bright!

DinosaurDiana · 25/02/2021 09:28

I don’t think there was a certain point, I think it was worn down over years. Years of MH problems that he initially denied, little lies, promises not fulfilled, finances I didn’t agree with, his sex problems, and a bottle of wine a night for as long as I can remember.
I just suddenly realised that I didn’t want him to touch me at all, and the thought of sex made me hurl.

AnythingConsidered · 26/02/2021 22:59

I don't have anything to contribute, but I am starting to wonder if I am on this place now - do I love my husband anymore?

Telling myself it's a consequence of lockdown, but no longer sure of that is true....

Catmaiden · 27/02/2021 00:22

Turning my children against me, defrauding me of my family inheritances (lands, family homes for centuries on my side )
Last straw, the continued lack of care to pet animals, which I subsequently realised was echoed by previous lack of care with our children who have significant diagnoses, which he trivialised and faught against.

Catmaiden · 27/02/2021 00:32

And, tonight, the totally oblivious lack of realisation while our beloved puss struggles, far worse now ill and now needing medical intervention because he (so called DH) didn't listen to me. Because "of course" what I say is ignorable

lydia2021 · 27/02/2021 00:33

When I was no longer angry, just indifferent

harknesswitch · 27/02/2021 02:32

Mine was a complete twat for years, lied about a lot of things, had an affair, spent all our money in his hobby. The final straw for me was on my birthday when he walked around with a face like a smacked arse because I'd asked that we took the kids out and he didn't want to be there. In the grand scheme of things this was minor for him, but I remember looking at him and at that moment despising him

Catvirgin · 27/02/2021 04:21

Yes it's that despising moment, isn't it.