Every other weekend versus one weekend day each

[givemesteel]

I am separated from my ex husband (his choice =OW) and we are currently trying to work out contact arrangements.

For those of you who decided on EOW (every other weekend) with your ex, what made you come to that decision, and was it what you wanted or was it what your ex wanted?

Or if you don't do EOW what do you do instead and does it work?

My personal opinion is that EOW is best as you can then just plan the entire weekend without worrying about whether your ex is going to mess up your plans (eg by being late or not feeding the kids properly).

The issue with dividing a weekend up is that there is no equal way of dividing the weekend up and someone always gets the better deal.

Ex wants one weekend day a week as he doesn't want to go two weeks without seeing kids. There are no week day visits planned as he works long hours with a long commute, it won't be practical for him to see them (there's no way round it with the job he does).

We are at an stalemate in agreeing this, difficult to move it on.

Thanks for your input!

Every other weekend for all the reasons you said. If he wanted to see the kids more regularly he should have kept his knob in his trousers, that or he needs to get more flexibility at work like mothers have to do All The Time.

Every other weekend for sure! If there was mid week overnights splitting every weekend naught work with flexibility to accommodate a social life/weekend away might work but without that EOW gives everyone including the children knows where they stand

We originally planned every other weekend so we could have flexibility to go away etc. However, due to lockdown, no one is going anywhere and it's nice to have a break every week and for the kids to see their dad every week. We alternate Friday nights and Saturday nights 6pm- 6pm. Dinner is at 5pm and whoever has the kids at that time feeds them.

Could it be a way of your exh controlling you from afar?

If you have a weekend free you can make plans (in non lockdown times) to see friends, go away for the weekend, see a new partner. Your plans are always going to be curtailed by doing one day each, every weekend.

If you are the full time parent for six days a week having one day off will feel different to eow. I agree with crockof, he can make arrangements with work so he can see his dc during the week, like mums do.

Wait until he wants a weekend away with OW then he may understand.

If your ex hadn’t decided to shag about he would have still been able to see the kids everyday. Him working long hours with a long commute was only compatible with family life while you were doing the most of the parenting during the week, I’m guessing he didn’t prioritise seeing his kids when he actually lived with them, maybe looked for a different job at that time? It’s supposed to be about what is best for the kids not what is best for him. EOW gives everyone the chance to plan weekend stuff properly, obviously you could be open to swapping or splitting if there was a special occasion.

One day at the weekend, what's the proposal pick up at 9am til 9am next day? It is not something I'd favour tbh.... By doing this you can't reasonably have a social life.

EOW gives both parents funtime with the kids, if he has an issue with that just remind him that he should have thought about that before thinking with his penis. And there is nothing stopping him having mid week contact, long hours and commutes are not your problem, it's his.

Thanks all. I don't have a partner and tbh I can't see that happening any time soon. But yes just being free for the entire weekend does appeal.

Seeing them in the school week isn't an option, and I'm actually fine with that as I know he'd be late to collect them, no homework done, they would go to sleep late and I'd have to be the one sorting out their uniform / kit etc for the next day so will make my life harder.

Serafinaaa I think that is the arrangement he would want. Do you find the kids adjust to whose turn the Fri or Sat night is or does it confuse them? Roughly how old are your kids if you don't mind me asking?

When they were very little he had Saturday mornings. That went to days and then as his life has settled, and they've got older he has a day every other week.

He has a weekly phone call and days/ activities out with each child individually in the holidays when it fits.

We initially did a rolling three month plan of dates and access, then it became a roughly annual one with a six month exchange of things that had cropped up.

You could do any combination of the things you've suggested. If its possible to have a plan but also a review date at some point down the line it gives best flexibility. What about one weekend off each out of four and two weekend days each out of four - best of all worlds. He sees them three weeks out of four and you both get one weekend of child free time (not that I've ever been very good at relaxing when the DC aren't at home).

You may want a partner in the future. Or you may want to have more free time for your own stuff. New hobbies, new friends

combatbarbie I think it would be splitting it from Fri night 6pm to Sat night 6pm. One person gets a day each, but it doesn't appeal to me either.

I'm wondering whether when we start doing it then he'll not like it either and he'll hopefully agree to eow.

Agree with you all that it's his fault he's not seeing his kids, but unfortunately I need to find a solution as I don't want it going to court and a judge giving him more custody than this. So I have to try and find a solution he will agree to.

I think you need to be a bit more selfish here OP. When COVID is eventually over you will want to find yourself again and maybe explore dating or even going away with friends. Don't jump to his tune because it suits him, he had an affair remember.

EOW is normal and gives you a proper break.

I also think that EOW is less disruptive for the children. I don't think it would be fun to have to schlep off somewhere every Sunday morning. They need time to relax in their surroundings. Surely your ex can make time in the week and see them one evening??? As @crockof puts it so deftly - get more flexibility at work as mothers do ALL THE TIME!

RippleEffects
Good suggestion thank you.

From what you have said with his work etc a judge won't order more contact if he isn't available. I don't think I've heard of anyone who has every weekend, I'd say that is unlikely to happen. And if it went to court then you have to do mediation first anyway. (unless there was abuse).

NoMackerelInSwindon

Wait until he wants a weekend away with OW then he may understand.

Yes I think covid hasn't helped with this. At some point they will want this.

My sister shares the care 50/50 and swop over is after Sunday lunch

Her daughter has 7 days with her Dad then 7 days with my sister

Works really well

It's not just your ability to go away alone/ with a new partner though - it's things like if you want to spend a fun weekend away WITH your kid too (once restrictions are lifted obviously). Do you really want to have to ask his permissions to take the kids to a theme park/ concert / air show and be denied because it's "his time" . Or not be able to do something because "his time" starts at 6pm but traffic/ train times mean you won't be back until 6.40.

I believe that kids absolutely have a right to a relationships with both parents regardless of the reason for separation. BUT it's not YOUR job to facilitate this fit him to your detriment. Currently he's choosing not to change his job situation to allow him to see his own kids during the week - I suspect at least in part because it's easier and preferable for him not to have to do any of the school night drudgery.

EOW better for the kids and planning all round, that’s why it’s what most people do

I understand his job isn’t super flexible but if he asked to WFH one day a fortnight - or if that’s not possible to do a short day once a fortnight, so he could have them for tea time on Wed or Thurs either every week or the no weekend weeks, I’d imagine his work would have to consider it??

If that’s no use then you just have to be firm and say EOW - brutally, he is the one who has ended it, so he cannot expect you to dance around him. Talk to your solicitor and find out the best way to frame it to him - but be firm.

Agree that he should look at some flexible working like mums keep having to do! Surely his company has had to open up to this during lockdown anyway? A flexible working Wednesday would allow him to see them midweek.

Also, how would he be able to ask for more residence time when his working hours and commute are so long?

I also think RippleEffects idea of one weekend off in four is worth suggesting.

I would be very, very keen to accommodate the one day each a week and to be generous with wanting being amenable when changes for weekends away are requested. This is not because I am a pushover, far from it, but EO weekend means you go 2 weeks without a break and in all honesty how many weekends away will anyone actually need? This way you get a day off every week and hopefully the occasional weekend where needed. You could even agree that you can do 3 full weekends each a year or something like that. I think it’s better that kids see their non resident parent as frequently as possible so they don’t rise to the status of some sort of Disney dad. If I only saw my kids once a fortnight it would be a world of treats and movies and video games and ponies etc. etc. That’s difficult to sustain every week. Every week is more normal and less special.

So in summary:

Suggest one weekend day each a week, with up to three weekends per parent they have a full weekend at one or other parent to accommodate things like weddings, weekends away, parties, etc. These need to be agreed a month in advance or similar. I think that’s the best of both worlds.

Something in between: I do Saturday morning through to Sunday lunchtime every other week, so I still get to see the kids for an afternoon and have them overnight Sunday in between (and so does my ex). Works nicely as it means we both get to see kids weekly but still allows a long period to do something.

That said, my ex was the one who couldn’t keep whatever the female equivalent is in their pants, so this was very much a situation where “if you wanted to see the kids you shouldn’t have cheated” doesn’t apply. Quite the opposite. It was pretty much potentially winner takes all, in her scenario.

It depends on so much; age of your kids, how far away you are from each other, how much you get on etc.

Despite it not being your doing etc, I wouldn't punish your ex with a crappy contact pattern, if there is no concerns regarding his parenting and the relationship with the kids then it's them who should be I the front of your minds when making the plan, not what he did.

We have a 60/40 split in my favour, we have set days through the week and weekends I have them until 4/5 Saturday and he brings them back Sunday at the same time. This works for us as he's just down the road, despite everything that's happened, we get along for the sake of the kids, this plan suits their age (6 and 8) and suits lockdown so that no one has a huge gap to fill each weekend.

We have agreed to review when school's back in as this is fairly new. But the idea is that either patent can request to flex when life starts up again, either with earlier or later swaps for weekends away etc.

EOW - you will need this time for yourself and one day every weekend.

You have a lot on your hands now and in time you will very likely come to like/need a break and time for yourself.

Is it fair on the children only to see their father 4 days a month ?