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Original poster

Every other weekend versus one weekend day each

64 replies

givemesteel · 21/02/2021 17:07

I am separated from my ex husband (his choice =OW) and we are currently trying to work out contact arrangements.

For those of you who decided on EOW (every other weekend) with your ex, what made you come to that decision, and was it what you wanted or was it what your ex wanted?

Or if you don't do EOW what do you do instead and does it work?

My personal opinion is that EOW is best as you can then just plan the entire weekend without worrying about whether your ex is going to mess up your plans (eg by being late or not feeding the kids properly).

The issue with dividing a weekend up is that there is no equal way of dividing the weekend up and someone always gets the better deal.

Ex wants one weekend day a week as he doesn't want to go two weeks without seeing kids. There are no week day visits planned as he works long hours with a long commute, it won't be practical for him to see them (there's no way round it with the job he does).

We are at an stalemate in agreeing this, difficult to move it on.

Thanks for your input!

OP posts:

autumnalrain · 21/02/2021 20:29

Going against a the grain here , I think it’s unfair that he won’t see his kids for a fortnight or

Griefmonster · 21/02/2021 20:32

What do the children say?

KatySun · 21/02/2021 20:36

How old are the DC? What contact do they currently have? You need to look first and foremost at their needs and what will work for them, how they will adjust etc. Contact and residence arrangements are about their best interests. You can talk with your ex and your lawyers until you are blue in the face arguing back and forth (v expensive) but what matters and what has more chance of working longer term is what is in the children’s best interests.

Chasingsquirrels · 21/02/2021 20:42

We separately when my boys were 5 & 2.
We went for 1 overnight & day every weekend plus 1 overnight every week.

So Tue early evening, then moved to from school when ds2 started to Wed morning - ex dropped at school & childcare.

Then alternating Fri evening - Sat evening one week and Sat evening - Sun evening the next.
I think initially it was the same night, can't recall which, but we started alternating as different days have different things going on and it just worked better.
Ex originally lived about 15 mins away and now 25 mins.

Kids taken to weekend clubs, parties etc by whichever parent they are with.

We had a phase of each having the boys for a full weekend once a half term, so we each got a free weekend.

(Plus half of all school holidays).

Originally set up as he didn't want to not see the boys for a week at a time, I broached changing to EOW after a few years but neither ex nor the boys wanted to - hence the one weekend a half term thing for a while.

It does eat into the weekend and means we can't just go away - but tbh we probably wouldn't anyway as there were various weekend clubs attended over the years, and we are both flexible so would agree to this if it came up.

I'd do it this way again (kids now 18 & 15).

OverTheRubicon · 21/02/2021 20:53

Is there really and truly and definitely no way around the long commute, or to swap days? Because there are single mothers who are surgeons and all sorts, and do in fact have to make things work to some degree. My ex is not very involved, but at least during covid will be taking the DCs one night during the week as well as eow.

If not, then agree that if they're little it is a long time, what do you think is best for them? Because ultimately custody should be about their needs.

PaterPower · 21/02/2021 21:19

So why can’t you do EOW (full weekend for him) and split the alternate? That gives you 11 days a fortnight and he gets to see the kids every week.

Although I also agree with some PP who suggest he should at least try to make an arrangement with his work for one night a week wfh. Has he even tried requesting that?

KatySun · 21/02/2021 21:38

The problem of one full weekend for him and one day of the alternate weekends is that the DC do not see their dad do the routine day to day stuff, which is part of everyday life. Mum would be the only one doing the day to day stuff of getting homework done, school uniforms ready and so on. And there is no guarantee that DC would manage a whole week at school and then never having a full weekend to spend with their mum when they are used to being with her. It matters what the DC are used to and what they can adjust to, and that they see both parents doing the same kind of things - not one doing all the domestic stuff and no downtime and the other days off at the weekend.

I agree with looking at it as an evolving process - trial and error until you see what works for the DC and that can be reviewed sensitive to their needs.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 21/02/2021 21:57

We do a weekend day each in my house, but very flexible if either household wants a weekend away etc.

KylieKoKo · 21/02/2021 22:19

I don't think there's one correct way to do it to be honest. Sometimes dsds are here all weekend. Sometimes it's one day. Sometimes they spend the weekend with their mum. In the week they'll come over for dinner and will stay the night or go home depending on what they feel like doing / their mum's plans. We live a 15 minute walk away which makes things easier.

I think the ability to be able to let go off past wrongs to co parent successfully,
being flexible with one another and putting the children's welfare above wanting things to be "fair" or not wanting to feel like you're giving your ex an easy ride.

Thinkivepulledsommat · 21/02/2021 22:39

I think it depends on how old your children are and whether they have a preference. If they’re tiny then a whole weekend away from you won’t be easy for them.
Be careful that you don’t consider your own wishes so much that you fail to think about what’s best for the kids! Lots of the posters on here seem to have fallen into that trap...

You won’t know what really works until you start the arrangement to be honest, so I would factor in a review at say 6 months. We do eow and one night in the week, but as they’re getting older they want to be with me more so I can’t see that working forever.
(P.S. I’d also watch out for the ‘you had an affair so it’s all your fault’ line of thinking that some posters have mentioned. Blame needs to stop now - new world, new priorities.)

Original poster

givemesteel · 21/02/2021 22:53

Thanks all this is very helpful.

On the weekdays, I don't know what is theoretically possible with his work but my issue is that I don't trust him to get out of work on time to pick them up at the time needed, and my children would be the ones who suffer. People will say well he just needs to be step up but the issue is that he doesn't. I don't want to have to step in when he's meant to be picking them up or for them to just be left waiting at nursery when all the other children have been picked up, it's sad and distressing for them.

Children are currently young. I don't think they could do EOW right now as they're not used to being away from me but I am trying to work out what to work towards. I agree any approach needs to be trial and error though.

I'm not sure about distance as I don't know where he will end up living yet.

paterpower I wouldn't consider that as I would also want a full weekend with the kids.
I wouldn't consider 7 days on 7 days off either personally.

OP posts:

Livandme · 21/02/2021 23:00

Why not Friday night to Sat night one week and Saturday night to sun night the other with 1 weekend a month agreed that ex has them all weekend.
This way you get a "break" of some kind every week and a longer break every month to recharge

Kintsuji · 22/02/2021 01:52

Could he potentially drop them at school/childcare on Monday? Then he could have them Saturday 4/5pm till Monday school/childcare drop off every week. You'd get more of a break, they'd get more time with their dad. He'd be doing two nights, but dropping off so you wouldn't need to worry if he'd pick them up in time.

MotherExtraordinaire · 22/02/2021 07:06

@givemesteel

Thanks all this is very helpful.

I'm not sure about distance as I don't know where he will end up living yet.

paterpower I wouldn't consider that as I would also want a full weekend with the kids.
I wouldn't consider 7 days on 7 days off either personally.

Assuming the children are both in primary school and taking into account covid, why not do a stepped contsct programme.

Saying that between now and end of academic year, the children have Fri to Saturday one week, Saturday to Sunday the next week, until school holidays. Then it's your holiday arrangements. Then from September it's eow. Primarily as this would mean the children have got used to splitting their time, and moving forward would be better for the children to have quality weekends with each parent, so can have activities such as weekends away etc.

Purplepeople12 · 22/02/2021 07:28

We used to do a day each, so after school Friday until 5pm Saturday, then we swapped at 5pm Sunday again, however we quickly realised this wasn't fair on our daughter at all as she was constantly being shipped around so we went to every other weekend in full, plus a couple of hours in the week after school

Original poster

givemesteel · 22/02/2021 20:26

Good suggestion MotherExtraordinaire

Purplepeople12 hoping that is what ex will realise, that it is not good for anyone.

Is the couple of hours in the week not an overnight? Does he just come to your house?

OP posts:

mindutopia · 22/02/2021 20:36

At the moment, presumably, they are little, but you’ll eventually have school holidays to deal with. What about working towards EOW and half of the holidays? He can use annual leave or parental leave to cover those weeks? It also means you save on out of term time childcare.

Serafinaaa · 12/04/2021 10:36

@givemesteel

Thanks all. I don't have a partner and tbh I can't see that happening any time soon. But yes just being free for the entire weekend does appeal.

Seeing them in the school week isn't an option, and I'm actually fine with that as I know he'd be late to collect them, no homework done, they would go to sleep late and I'd have to be the one sorting out their uniform / kit etc for the next day so will make my life harder.

Serafinaaa I think that is the arrangement he would want. Do you find the kids adjust to whose turn the Fri or Sat night is or does it confuse them? Roughly how old are your kids if you don't mind me asking?

Really sorry, only just saw this.

My kids are 4 and 6. They are fine with a swap between a Friday night and a Saturday night each week- we just discuss in advance. We only intend this to continue until lockdown ends and all restrictions are lifted through. Then we will go to eow for reasons other posters have stated (ability to go away etc) but I can see pros to this way as well.

Serafinaaa · 12/04/2021 10:37

I should probably add, their dad lives less than a mile away so short stays don't involve lots of travel.

tisonlymeagain · 12/04/2021 10:50

Without a doubt EOW. It works better for everyone.

harknesswitch · 13/04/2021 11:39

Eow for us too. It means that I can take the kids away for the weekend, plan lots of activities etc. It also means that on my child free weeks I can have grown up weekends away etc (and recover from a Hangover i. peace)

As for him saying he doesn't want to go two weeks without seeing the dc, well that's his look out isn't it! He can do what ever single parent does, he adjusts his working patterns to fit in his children, get another job, move closer, reduce his hours etc etc. Lots of options for him, it's not your issue to solve if he won't put himself out.

Peace43 · 13/04/2021 11:49

My ex has DD every Wednesday for tea and overnight every Friday (unless we agree not to be cause DD and I want to go away for the weekend).

One week she returns about 10am on Saturday morning. The next week she returns about tea time on Sunday.

It works for us but the my ex is pretty reasonable and we do what DD wants. I was furloughed for 3 months whilst ex was working so he had her every weekend for a while. He’s had her far more days over the Easter holidays as my work is really busy and his isn’t (both wfh).

I want to be able to take DD away camping plenty in the summer which means 1 weekend day wouldn’t work for me.

Silverfly · 13/04/2021 12:00

I think it is reasonable for him to feel that two weeks is a long time without seeing his kids, so I would try to reach a compromise. I like the idea of one weekend each a month and share the inbetween weekends. That means you see your children three weekends out of four (and so does he). Or a three week pattern if you prefer (full weekend with him, full weekend with you, share weekend, repeat).

Jsku · 13/04/2021 12:02

I think having a full weekend with the kids is important for both parents. Otherwise one (more likely mother) is the one with all the boring stuff - like homework, while the other becomes a weekend fun parent.
In my case - my ex also works long hours and we didn’t think it was great for the kids to have a week night arrangement.
So we compromised on Fri nights. As even for those working long hours - Fri seems to be a bit of an easier day.
So - EOW my ex has them for the whole weekend.
And on the other week - he gets them from school on Fri and returns them late morning on Sat.
This way - he doesn’t go a week without seeing them, has a bit of weekend time with them most week, and I still have a weekend too.
He also tries to see them for dinner on the weeks when he only had one night. But that is work dependent and doesn’t always happen. It’s a bit easier for us as kids are a bit older so have dinner at 7:30 - so he can often make it.
Also happens that he lives nearby

Peace43 · 13/04/2021 12:05

Wednesday for tea I drop DD off at 5 when ex gets home from work. He returns her for bedtime and, if she asks, goes up and reads her story and tucks her in.

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