Knowing you're in a relationship purely because you want to be

[PLAYJAJADINGDONG]

and not because you're stuck/trapped/financially dependent/co-mortgaged/parentally obligated/too afraid of the alternative is incredibly fucking empowering.

I'm 40. Was with exH for 12 years, two DC. The split (5 years ago) was awful and the few years before and after equally so. It's been a bloody hard road but we're now good friends and excellent co-parents. He has a lovely new partner who adores my DC.

I met DP 3 years ago. I am nuts about him. He makes me laugh till I cry. He is so kind, solid, dependable, spontaneous, my intellectual equal, just an all round fantastic bloke who I fancy the pants off. He brings nothing but happiness to my life.

We can't move in together at the minute as my house is too small for his DC to be able to stay and he rents (I'm not willing to make my DC leave our home to move into rented). DP walked away from his marriage with pretty much nothing financially as he felt horrendous guilt for instigating the split and is now not very financially viable (he doesn't have loads to put to a deposit for a new house for eg). He is saving and in the future, if he can bring equal to me to the table I'll reconsider but for now I'm not willing to risk my kids security by tying myself financially to a partner.

We spend 4-5 evenings a week together and then also have a couple of days space to do our own thing. We have eow childfree so (in non covid times) go off for lovely weekends away/visit nice restaurants/have loads of time for just each other.

I don't have to wash his pants or worry about what his mum wants for Christmas 😂. If he were to leave tomorrow/have an affair I would be absolutely devastated BUT the infrastructure of my own life would not be compromised and I wouldn't for a second find myself trying to convince him to stay because I can't afford our house on my own/am worried our kids will be scarred for life etc.

Am 100% not trying to sound superior here btw, I just have had a growing realisation recently that my relationship is like a cherry atop the bun of my already quite satisfying life (I have finally got a job I love after years of being a SAHM, incredible kids, good friends. My MH ain't great due to covid but hey ho, whose is).

Is this something a lot of women realise as they get older and after a marriage/LTR ends?

Have been on MN since I was pregnant with DC1 so since 2008 and the Relationships board has definitely affected how I view things. SO many stories week after week of women trapped in unfulfilling/unhealthy/abusive relationships because of their circumstances ☹️.

End of ramble.

Yep. Sounds very like my situation. I love the fact that the only thing that keeps us together is that we want to, and if one of us doesn't any more, the fallout will not be seismic. It took a while to realise that and some years on, family and friends do still ask if we are 'moving forward' as though it's inevitable, but I don't think it is. Many on here though will say its not a proper 'partnership' or not a real relationship if you're not doing things the 'normal' way.

This is what I want in life! I was in a relationship from the age of 17-26, single for 9 months, then in an increasingly j health relationship for 9 years that ended 18 months ago. I was seeing someone briefly when that was allowed last summer but am so happy to be single and am finding the idea of getting into another relationship kind of weird. I have so much else going on with work and bringing up my son alone that someone would have to be pretty darn amazing to be part of my life.

Huge yeah I think because we're now at three years together, people in our circle are dropping hints that we should be moving in/getting engaged. I'm VERY much of the "If it ain't broke" mentality.

I do agree that there is a view on MN that if you don't live together/share the life drudgery, you're not a legitimate couple. Happy to go against that tbh!

We don't just get the best bits of each other though. We have supported each other through some major stuff and we are both fully committed, want to be together for the rest of our lives - we just aren't going to be living together anytime soon.

*increasingly unhealthy.

Yep sounds like my life. Enjoy it. It will all work out in the end. I love my freedom, the financial stability I carved out for myself. Life still throws you curve balls but I can deal with those. Think of life as a triangle: health, relationships and money are the individual legs. As long as two are always secure they can hold up the missing bit in case of a curve ball. My life is solid. DP is the proverbial cherry on top.

sometimes keep your standards where they are I say. If a man comes along who can enhance your life then so be it, if not then you (and your DS) are no worse off! I have zero experience of dating in covid times - it must be really hard.

Caramel I like your triangle metaphor 🙂.

I've been married nearly four years and with DH for nearly 7. Never lived together. Bliss. I own he rents although he's much better credit score wise than me, were just happy where we are. We're on a perpetual first date ☺️ yes of course we have fall outs but even then, when we do we can retreat to our own spaces .

Ooh Gilda interesting that you got married in this position! I think I'd feel a bit of a fraud doing the same but can't quite articulate why 🤔. (I have no desire to get married though, cohabitation would be my max).

Does being married while living separately mean that you'd still have to split assets etc as per a "regular" marriage in the case of divorce? So would he be entitled to a share of your house despite never having lived there?

I honestly am not sure. When we've spoken to a solicitor previously when we talked about buying, the sol said that if the proceeds of my house selling were put into a new house then that could be ring fenced, I think that's the same now as he's had no financial input to the house. I just have to make sure I hit him with car instead of a divorce to be sure 🤣 I'm joking of course!!

Yanbu.
You're living the dream. And, yes, I don't think many women see it till they're older. So, so many women on mn tolerating shit relationships cos it doesn't seem to have occurred to them they don't have to be in one.

I'm in the same pposition, I own my own place and live with DD. I love been in control of my home and can plan my life accordingly. My DP. has some mental health problems so I don't think it would be good for anyone if we lived together because I'm quite sensitive to other people's moods. But we are supporting each other thought WhatsApp just now.

In some ways it feels like I'm not ever going to be in a 'proper' relationship again. But I did try live in relationships and they all ended in disaster. So this seems a good compromise.

Oh I love your thread. How empowering !! I've been reading MN about 10 years it's been a complete lifeline for me over the years and I feel like I've made the right and sound choices based on the advice from Mumsnetters; leaving ex-h and recently ex-b coke addict. I miss him to fuck but I can't be with someone for the sake of it. I am v grateful to the women here who have helped me over the years ♥️

I have my own house very small, but the kids and I can move in time just need my finances to balance. I might not meet anyone again but I feel ok with it coming from a co-dependent.

Look forward to following this and reading positive replies..

Teen I've definitely had those thoughts of thinking me and DP fall short of a "proper" relationship too.

But d'you know what, fuck propriety. I'd rather work with DP to create our own definition of a relationship, one that provides a healthy, happy life for us and all our DC than succumb to societal pressure to do it in the traditional way that we know doesn't work out well for so many women.

Iron love that. Good for you for cutting the dead weight ex 💪

Like you, I've come to MN in all of my lowest points. Posted all through my breakup with Ex (even my desperate attempts to make him stay). I wasn't always ready to hear it but I am so glad of the advice and support I was given. MN rocks.

My house is tiny as well. Only a matter of time till my massive 6 year old outgrows his box room but hey, it's ours and it's home 💜.

Love your thread! I was in exactly the same place as you 24 years ago. However we decided to buy a house together but I kept my own house. We didn't get married, I just didn't see what the benefit to me was. Anyway we had 2 kids together.

He had an affair, after being together 20 years together. I kicked him out, sold my other house, bought him out. Didn't need to rely on him at al!!

Single for 4 years since. My kids are teenagers now, will never let a man move in. Not in a million years. I'd love a relationship, I'm lonely and need some sex! BUT my bar is set so high would rather be single than with just anyone.

I'm sure there must be more of us on mnet! Maybe we need this thread to remind us! I despair sometimes of the threads I read on here.

I actually know a lot of people another generation or two up from you who live likes this - in their 70s/80s. They are all empty-nesters and could easily move in together but choose not to do so. They mostly have been widowed, some are divorced, some have lost two spouses by now. They have independent homes and lives but very much enjoy loving relationships. Sometimes not moving in together is about not confusing their children's inheritances...! But mostly it's about enjoying their freedom in having independent established lives while still maintaining a romantic relationship. Some (often the more religious ones) have even married but live separately most of the time. Works pretty well. I would say I know 6 or 7 couples like this in.

I'm in a very similar situation OP and the happiest I've ever been. DP is an absolute delight and brings nothing but positives to my life.

We do have a plan to get married and live together in a couple of years when the youngest finishes school. If we had younger kids we'd happily keep the status quo though.

Completely relatable.

ExH of 14 years treated me like shit. Left me with 3 DC under 10 when I was 35

I'm 42 now and have had the most wonderful partner for almost 5 years. We now own a house together, should have got married last year, but thats now this year, and life is pretty good!!

I think it’s actually the healthiest way to be! You have quality time together but enough independence to know you’re not just with each other to share finances or because you can’t be alone for a couple of nights each week / don’t trust them to be away from you and still remain loyal.

You are then in a position to choose every day to be with each other - you don’t feel trapped out of necessity. For me, that’s more romantic and meaningful than living 24/7 with someone. And, I would argue in many cases it shows a deeper commitment to one another, and a deeper trust because you have your own space, lives and time to yourself but still choose to remain together and loyal to one another.

You’re living the dream! And as time goes on I bet our ingrained assumptions of what relationships can be like will catch up with this. Right now us women are still collectively recovering from pretty much needing to be married and living together and having far les independence- not just financially but emotionally. Societies expectations and norms have continued to reinforce this idea that women need a live-in marriage partner to be secure and worthy. But the times are a changing.

I'm so pleased you've started this thread, society thinks if you're in a relationship then living together proves that and of course it doesn't.

Its becoming more common and even has a name -Living Apart Together and there are so many reasons why people do this rather than live together.

I split from my husband nearly 3 years ago and decided to stay single forever, it wasn't the greatest marriage and I was too affected by it to even want anything ever again.

So I spent time gathering a harem of lovely men who I could call on in my hour of need and it worked brilliantly until somehow one of them became more and we are now in a relationship.

I've always made it clear I would never live with someone again, share finances or marry and luckily he thinks the same as he has a younger child and wants them to have stability so his child doesn't know we're together, just that we're friends, I've met him 3 times.

We're 17 months in and its going brilliantly, he has his life together which as a fixer I found odd to start with but I love it now, we meet 3 evenings a week but no weekends (except Sat am from Fri pm) as he has his son every weekend.
It suits me perfectly as I love my own time and space and when we do meet its lovely.
Like you if we split, I would be sad but I've got some great memories and my life is full without him propping me up so really nothing would change for me.

I repeat this all over MN - a man should enhance your life and not be your life.

This sounds very similar to my situation. The best of both worlds so to speak. I'm almost 47 and have reached a place I'm so happy with, not sure I'll ever want a full time partner again, love my own space far too much

I'm in this situation too. I established my single life and was loving it for ten years before I met him. I am proud to say that I own my home alone and I think that made a difference to our relationship when we met because he also knew that I was there for him and not what he could give me. He too was self sufficient and independent. We still live separately due to not being able to blend our adult children who live with us, but I would marry him tomorrow. That is the difference at this point in my life, we're both established financially and independently and can afford to stay as we are but we would be choosing to be together.

You are my life goals for this time next year op!!

What’s an inspiring thread, lovely to see at this time when everything seems to be doom and gloom.

I've remarried; DH2 and I have been together 14 years and our relationship is definitely based on want not need. We aren't dependent on each other for £ and our kids are all grown up.

DH2 actually found it a bit hard at times to be in a relationship based purely on want - it made him nervous that I would just flit away. But for me it's absolute bliss. When we have a row I flounce off to Rightmove and research my life without him but I feel devastated and know that's not what I want.

It's lovely!