Knowing you're in a relationship purely because you want to be

[PLAYJAJADINGDONG]

and not because you're stuck/trapped/financially dependent/co-mortgaged/parentally obligated/too afraid of the alternative is incredibly fucking empowering.

I'm 40. Was with exH for 12 years, two DC. The split (5 years ago) was awful and the few years before and after equally so. It's been a bloody hard road but we're now good friends and excellent co-parents. He has a lovely new partner who adores my DC.

I met DP 3 years ago. I am nuts about him. He makes me laugh till I cry. He is so kind, solid, dependable, spontaneous, my intellectual equal, just an all round fantastic bloke who I fancy the pants off. He brings nothing but happiness to my life.

We can't move in together at the minute as my house is too small for his DC to be able to stay and he rents (I'm not willing to make my DC leave our home to move into rented). DP walked away from his marriage with pretty much nothing financially as he felt horrendous guilt for instigating the split and is now not very financially viable (he doesn't have loads to put to a deposit for a new house for eg). He is saving and in the future, if he can bring equal to me to the table I'll reconsider but for now I'm not willing to risk my kids security by tying myself financially to a partner.

We spend 4-5 evenings a week together and then also have a couple of days space to do our own thing. We have eow childfree so (in non covid times) go off for lovely weekends away/visit nice restaurants/have loads of time for just each other.

I don't have to wash his pants or worry about what his mum wants for Christmas 😂. If he were to leave tomorrow/have an affair I would be absolutely devastated BUT the infrastructure of my own life would not be compromised and I wouldn't for a second find myself trying to convince him to stay because I can't afford our house on my own/am worried our kids will be scarred for life etc.

Am 100% not trying to sound superior here btw, I just have had a growing realisation recently that my relationship is like a cherry atop the bun of my already quite satisfying life (I have finally got a job I love after years of being a SAHM, incredible kids, good friends. My MH ain't great due to covid but hey ho, whose is).

Is this something a lot of women realise as they get older and after a marriage/LTR ends?

Have been on MN since I was pregnant with DC1 so since 2008 and the Relationships board has definitely affected how I view things. SO many stories week after week of women trapped in unfulfilling/unhealthy/abusive relationships because of their circumstances ☹️.

End of ramble.

[quote ShadesOfMagenta]@wishfuldreamer - what was the book title? It sounds really interesting.[/quote]
Yes, would be great if you can remember, sounds interesting

Gosh this is a really encouraging post OP, I needed to hear this. I really really want to get into this headspace-I have everything except the man really (well I don't own my own place but I have a very secure housing association property that I adore having lived with family and my two kids for years, it is so so lovely to have our own space!)

I just really really wish I could get over the fact that I want another child. That's the real sticking point for me. I desperately want to be happy with my lot, be able to look forward to a future just me and the kids and if it comes along a 'cherry on top' relationship but my bastard ovaries won't let up. I've just turned 35 though and not even a nibble of a prospect so I suppose eventually I'll have to cede to biology and be happy with my lot. And it is a good lot

I’m loving this thread because I realise this is me. I’m divorced with teenagers as is my dp, living together is never going to be possible whilst we have children at home so it’s never been considered. I always say to him that we have all of the good bits of a relationship but none of the mundane. We never argue because what is there to argue about when our homes, finances and children are our own responsibility?!
I’m pleased to read your stories because lockdown has given us the wobbles occasionally, especially the time last year when we were not allowed to see each other (we bubble now) and the government suggested that if you live apart you should “test your relationship” by moving in together. I think that made us both think, should we, why don’t we want to?

@ShadesOfMagenta and @theleafandnotthetree - it was called Polysecure, by Jessica Fern.

The first half of the books is about attachment theory, second applying it to non-monogamy (and specifically polyamory), but I think a lot of it would be interesting to people in monogamous, but not otherwise ‘traditional’ relationships.

I think people think they get security from the coded commitment points on the relationship escalator - moving in together and combining finances jn some way (buying a house, for example) - and without those see the relationship as ‘not going anywhwrre’. Obviously if you want those things, then it’s a problem, but I don’t know how intentional our decision making always is. And when we start to question those markers, you end up with a thread like this, where people end up working out what security in a relationship they actually want looks like. It’s a beautiful thing :-)

This is the kind of relationship I would like to have when I'm at peace with my life.
I have a few issues to sort first before I look for such a partner who is happy for this situation.
More than anything I'm not prepared to lose my house or any finances again or for my dc to lose out on inheritance.