Knowing you're in a relationship purely because you want to be

[PLAYJAJADINGDONG]

and not because you're stuck/trapped/financially dependent/co-mortgaged/parentally obligated/too afraid of the alternative is incredibly fucking empowering.

I'm 40. Was with exH for 12 years, two DC. The split (5 years ago) was awful and the few years before and after equally so. It's been a bloody hard road but we're now good friends and excellent co-parents. He has a lovely new partner who adores my DC.

I met DP 3 years ago. I am nuts about him. He makes me laugh till I cry. He is so kind, solid, dependable, spontaneous, my intellectual equal, just an all round fantastic bloke who I fancy the pants off. He brings nothing but happiness to my life.

We can't move in together at the minute as my house is too small for his DC to be able to stay and he rents (I'm not willing to make my DC leave our home to move into rented). DP walked away from his marriage with pretty much nothing financially as he felt horrendous guilt for instigating the split and is now not very financially viable (he doesn't have loads to put to a deposit for a new house for eg). He is saving and in the future, if he can bring equal to me to the table I'll reconsider but for now I'm not willing to risk my kids security by tying myself financially to a partner.

We spend 4-5 evenings a week together and then also have a couple of days space to do our own thing. We have eow childfree so (in non covid times) go off for lovely weekends away/visit nice restaurants/have loads of time for just each other.

I don't have to wash his pants or worry about what his mum wants for Christmas 😂. If he were to leave tomorrow/have an affair I would be absolutely devastated BUT the infrastructure of my own life would not be compromised and I wouldn't for a second find myself trying to convince him to stay because I can't afford our house on my own/am worried our kids will be scarred for life etc.

Am 100% not trying to sound superior here btw, I just have had a growing realisation recently that my relationship is like a cherry atop the bun of my already quite satisfying life (I have finally got a job I love after years of being a SAHM, incredible kids, good friends. My MH ain't great due to covid but hey ho, whose is).

Is this something a lot of women realise as they get older and after a marriage/LTR ends?

Have been on MN since I was pregnant with DC1 so since 2008 and the Relationships board has definitely affected how I view things. SO many stories week after week of women trapped in unfulfilling/unhealthy/abusive relationships because of their circumstances ☹️.

End of ramble.

Fantastic thread. I recently ended my 17 year marriage and am SO happy.

I have never “needed” to be in my relationship, I had my own house and business pre marriage and we have always kept our finances separate. I have always been the main earner and being self employed meant I was able to control working hours when DS was younger.
DH has always been ok with the situation ( although has faced judging comments by friends) and recently took early retirement becoming a SAHP. I have never seen it as any different from a relationship where the wife is the lower earner or SAHP. What has been interesting is that most of my SAHM friends are very judgemental. They fail to see the irony of their comments. They were almost apoplectic when they found out I had bought him a top end SUV with a personalised number plate, despite the fact most of them have similar funded by their husbands.
Until we move on from social and sexual stereotypes we will always encourage young girls/women to aspire to be looked after.
I was lucky that my mum was determined that her daughters would never be trapped in unhealthy or unhappy relationships. My sister has been able to walk away from two marriages (infidelity and alcoholic). None of us has felt the pressure to settle down until we were ready or had found a partner we were happy with.
My mum and dad had a great relationship, my mum wanted the same for us.

And DH and I have been together for 29 years.

Been doing this for 4 years now. When the topic comes up, there are usually quite a few people on MN who say they are doing the same. In real life, no-one has suggested we should move in together etc. yet - perhaps as we are both in our 50s so not the age when you are usually expected to get married.

I don't think it would have been right for me when I had little children, but now they are grown up I'm enjoying it for all the reasons mentioned above.

@PLAYJAJADINGDONG i hope you dont mind me asking. How did you met your current partner?

Hehx3 - we met on a dating site but had actually met once before irl at an event organised by a mutual friend. So it felt like we kind of "knew" each other, felt a bit safer than a typical online dating experience. We messaged for a few days then went on our first date and that was it 😊.

Loving reading all the posts from people in similar situations 😀.

I'm like this. I've got a partner of about 6 months and we adore one another. Prior to this I stayed for (their!) Kids, money, to support them, living arrangements ... I've got a bit to sort out still (training for a new job and want to reduce hrs but cant until I trained fully), but basically my life is happy and I'm with her becuase she makes me happy. It's just something you want to shout from the rooftops. I understand OP.

Thank you for replaying. Its great it turned out so well for you

Same here, but I have several little cherries on my buns

Another LAT convert here. 2 years into a relationship with my DP after my divorce. No plans to move in or blend. We live an hour apart, both financially independent, and see each other for childfree weekends every fortnight, a date night in the week, and the odd family get together / holiday with our kids.

As someone who likes to plan (and had always been in conventional live-in r'ships) it took me a while to get my head around the lack of cohabiting goal, but i took a step back from the society standard and spotted the many, many ways that we express our connection and commitment. And as a sociable introvert it suits me perfectly.

Like PPs have said, it's a powerful thing to choose to be together week in week out, rather then defaulting together. And chance to miss each other in between.

Co-mortgaging or parenting together can be a wonderful thing of course, so not to shit on others who follow that path. But I'm loving being part of a new way of doing relationships. Even my most radical friends assume we'll move in together one day, and maybe we will. But maybe we won't :)

Grace Dent puts it wonderfully here: www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/jun/22/gwyneth-paltrow-happier-living-apart-from-partner-grace-dent

See also the FB group Apartners (Living Apart Together)

Sounds perfect to me! Going through divorce atm and this is just the type of relationship I'm hoping for in the future. I don't ever want t to live with a man again but would love to be part of a loving relationship where both sides retain their independence and can have regular space from each other. Good for you, it sounds incredibly healthy, supportive and happy 🙂

Being divorced or separated with kids is actually more beneficial to you when the ex pulls their weight and you co parent well. Imagine having 26 child free weekends a year! Married couples are lucky to get one hence why so many marriages fail because people get bored “doing family time” every weekend. Who wouldn’t want to go on the piss, eat out, lie in, shag every other weekend.

When I was married, we went out twice a year if we were lucky and that took absolute military precision to organise. A couple of years later I was separated and during one year I had a week in Barbados, a city break in Prague and numerous weekends away in the UK. Unfortunately that all ended but it highlighted the benefits.

I think once you take the pressure of forming a family unit (as in, biological parents plus children) out of the equation then you are wonderfully free to have a great relationship that works for you both. That might be living together but equally - and indeed more likely - it will be very much like what you have or even less tied. I know people who have it more like a pure weekend thing or they live in different countries even and make it work. You simply don't have to conform to any norms of how things 'should be' or how things 'progress', you get to do it your own way. There is a great freedom and confidence in the relationship knowing that you are together because you like and love each other, not because you need each other, especially if that need is financial and practical rather than emotional. The only issue which might arise is if you're not both on the same page but if you are, it's fabulous! And yes, I do think it takes a certain amount of life experience and self-knowledge to get there. I now know that I was never really suited to the conventional nuclear family set-up, I tried my best, my ex-husband wasn't the worst, but the things other people found gratifying and satisfying I found stifling and sort of depressing. Great thread OP.

@cloudbusting42

Another LAT convert here. 2 years into a relationship with my DP after my divorce. No plans to move in or blend. We live an hour apart, both financially independent, and see each other for childfree weekends every fortnight, a date night in the week, and the odd family get together / holiday with our kids.

As someone who likes to plan (and had always been in conventional live-in r'ships) it took me a while to get my head around the lack of cohabiting goal, but i took a step back from the society standard and spotted the many, many ways that we express our connection and commitment. And as a sociable introvert it suits me perfectly.

Like PPs have said, it's a powerful thing to choose to be together week in week out, rather then defaulting together. And chance to miss each other in between.

Co-mortgaging or parenting together can be a wonderful thing of course, so not to shit on others who follow that path. But I'm loving being part of a new way of doing relationships. Even my most radical friends assume we'll move in together one day, and maybe we will. But maybe we won't :)

Grace Dent puts it wonderfully here: www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/jun/22/gwyneth-paltrow-happier-living-apart-from-partner-grace-dent

See also the FB group Apartners (Living Apart Together)

@cloudbusting42 Are you me? Thanks for this and for the link to the Grace Dent article, some great comments on that piece too.

@cloudbusting42 you summed it up so well. One thing you did touch upon is 'relationship goals'.

My goals are quite separate from my DPs, I'm wondering if anyone else feels the same about not having clear relationship goals and what they looks like when living apart together? Obviously holidays are one but I can't think of any others off the top of my head...

Yes, I agree. I spend most of my time with dp - 7/10 days, then head off to my own house for the next 3/4 days. We love our time together and we don't get bored or have arguments. I'm not responsible for his household chores although I help out a bit. It's unlikely we will ever live together full time. Were enjoying this too much. It's a lovely way to live.

I didn't realise that there was a name for this but I find myself in this exact situation after eight months . I am absolutely loving it !!! I absolutely adore him and he seems
To feel the same . He certainly shows that .
We are both divorced ... have young children and a few teens thrown in for good measure and are free eow so see each other then and an evening together r an overnight on alternate weeks. Text and ring everyday . Mad about each other and it is always fresh and exciting when we see each other . The build up to spending time together is always lovely and sexy.
Our work and children's lives does not and will not permit us to live be together for the foreseeable future and that makes us both happy . We get the independence of living apart but the thrill of being together on our own regularly . We are a strong support system to each other and as time has developed, we are getting closer and closer and feel like I've gained the most incredible friend as well as a lover . The most wonderful
Addition to
My life . I wouldnt change a thing ! It's definitely the way to go , for
Me Anyway . I couldn't recommend it highly
Enough

Yep this is my situation too and I have absolutely no plans for it to change. Have been with my partner for 7 years and he is such a blessing and bonus to my already stable life. He wanted things to 'progress' in the traditional sense but I stood my ground and we are still very much in love 7 years on, I still get excited to see him and put on my sexy underwear when he's coming over, sex is still exciting and I really enjoy missing him when he's not here.
I feel very fortunate that this is possible for us financially, I think many people move in together to reduce out going's.
This stage in life is def one of the best things about getting older and wiser!

I am in exact same position. Best relationship I have EVER had. We are madly in love, spend every weekend together and meet up for a midweek meal/walk/movie in normal times.
We look forward to seeing each other all the time but are in no rush to move in.
We both have teenagers and will wait until they finish their exams before getting a place together so it will be another 3 years. I have no issue with this at all. He is my soul mate and best friend.
We enjoy our space and independence but at the same time I have never felt more committed or loved in my life.
I had got to the stage where I was happy being single for a few years post divorce. Did some online dating for fun and dates. I was very happy with my life and thought I would only get into a relationship if that person made me even happier and we brought out the best in each other.

He wasn't my usual type. Somehow I swiped right. We talked and talked for hours on our first date and I just knew he was someone special. 2 years on he is even more special.

A convential marriage and set up doesn't have to be the goal for everyone.

This is exactly where I want to be. Threads like this restore my hope!!!

This thread is inspiring! My DP and I have been together for 3 years and have been talking about moving in together. I’m wary as I have children and tbh I like owning my own house and being financially independent. He wants to buy into my house which I don’t think is the best idea. He is independent and has everything he needs in his own life. So do I.
Maybe there is scope to be retain my independence when I read the posts on this thread.

I recently read a book on attachment and romantic relationships, where the author observed that in our society we often look for security in the structures of the relationship, rather than the quality of our experience and relational interaction. It really resonated very strongly with me.

Me too, my FWB has morphed into something like this over lockdown and its great. We are both childless but like our own space, and I couldn't bring myself to share that much of my life again. My ExH was rather threatened by my intention of wanting, not needing him I think.

@wishfuldreamer

I recently read a book on attachment and romantic relationships, where the author observed that in our society we often look for security in the structures of the relationship, rather than the quality of our experience and relational interaction. It really resonated very strongly with me.

I think thats an interesting insight. I was with my ex-husband for nearly 20 years and the structure was all there - married, house, children, all the norms I guess - but I never felt like we were a team, he never felt like family to me really, what was missing was the 'relational interaction' I guess. On the other hand, with my partner now I feel no need for the norms and structures because the feeling of closeness and ease is just there

@wishfuldreamer - what was the book title? It sounds really interesting.