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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Different levels of cleanliness

57 replies

Misty9 · 20/02/2021 18:35

This might sound a bit ridiculous, but I've been with my partner nearly 9 months, we're both separated with dc etc so have our own homes and no plans to merge, but our standards of cleanliness are so different and it's starting to really have an impact. We have eow together and increasingly I don't want to spend time in his house as it's so unclean. Now, I'm not a clean freak and probably only clean my bathroom etc about once every 2-3 weeks (it doesn't get that dirty with just me 50% of the time) but if something looks dirty then I'll clean it. I don't know if he just doesn't notice it but he also happily wears obviously dirty clothes quite often. If I make jokey comments about it he gets a bit funny so I don't feel I can come out and say anything. And I do not want to get into a dynamic where I clean his house...

He's a lovely kind man and the relationship is otherwise good. Has anyone else had this issue and managed to resolve it?!

OP posts:

Original poster

Misty9 · 20/02/2021 18:36

To add, he bathes every day so does keep himself clean at least.

OP posts:

KitchenFairy · 20/02/2021 18:37

No.

If there were no plans to move in together I could maybe overlook his place not being up to my standard.

But wearing obviously dirty clothes - nope.

OhDearShirley · 20/02/2021 18:38

You should leave him.
People DO NOT change. If you continue this relationship you'll end up doing everything and being really resentful.

Mumdiva99 · 20/02/2021 18:40

Yep. I refused to go around until he hoovered. (His lodger used to do the cleaning for a reduction in his rent. But then that stopped and no one cleaned.)
-- ultimately we weren't compatible.

Wanderlusto · 20/02/2021 18:49

I'm a messy cow but I tidy my house before anyone visits. It's basic respect.

Its worrying if he doesn't. ...even more worrying if he does - and you're actually seeing the clean version.

Original poster

Misty9 · 20/02/2021 18:52

@Wanderlusto

I'm a messy cow but I tidy my house before anyone visits. It's basic respect.

Its worrying if he doesn't. ...even more worrying if he does - and you're actually seeing the clean version.

😱😱

OP posts:

Original poster

Misty9 · 20/02/2021 18:53

Oh dear it's not sounding good...

OP posts:

Wanderlusto · 20/02/2021 18:56

As long as you dont want marriage or kids or joint living with him then I suppose its workable. Could you talk him into hiring himself a cleaner when covid lifts?

EarthSight · 20/02/2021 22:48

Are his clothes.....smelly? Are there stains on them?

If so, I think this will end up like Chinese torture for you. It's like going out with someone who has a bad habit. After working with stinking male colleagues who you could smell across the room, I can tell you that most of the problem comes from sweat drying on their clothes, then they wear those clothes the next day, then the next.....and also the next. They think they can cover it up by covering it with aftershave or spray but we know it's a bad smell and we can see stains too.

Workinghardeveryday · 20/02/2021 23:09

Dirty clothes!! Even mingers don’t do that though?

Eckhart · 20/02/2021 23:30

You're incompatible.

Original poster

Misty9 · 20/02/2021 23:41

No his clothes aren't smelly, and neither is he. Just stained sometimes. And quite worn. I do think it might rankle with me more as time goes on though...

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EarthSight · 20/02/2021 23:45

If it bothers now, it will most likely bother you more and more over the years, alongside other things related to his lack of care or the way he's in the house.

Sakurami · 21/02/2021 00:05

I've told him that whilst he can have his house like he wants, in my house I expect things clean and tidy. So he's respected that and pulls his weight when he's around mine, even if he doesn't see that things need cleaning.

It's still a fairly new relationship so we shall see.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 21/02/2021 02:57

Long term I think it just doesn't work out. It's hard/virtually impossible to get someone to change.

I like a clean but cluttered house whereas my ex liked no mess but didn't have a clue about cleaning. My clutter drove him mad.

He would open a drawer and stuff everything in it. The surfaces might be clear but the disorder was inside. He would have the clear surfaces but they'd be grimy. The floor would be clear but unvacced. He'd vac but the vacuum cleaner would be full and clogged up so would barely pick up. He wouldn't see it hardly looked any better.

He would rinse dirty pots under a cold tap to clean them. He'd dry with a dirty tea towel and then put dirty pots away. Virtually every pot and utensil would need soaking and washing properly before I'd even want a drink at his place.

When we moved in together then we tried a cleaning schedule. I was never happy at how poorly he performed domestically. He didn't understand germs and using separate toilet cleaning materials. He splashed the clean pots when emptying the mop bucket out.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/02/2021 03:17

This relationship is not going to work. Don't try to convince yourself to stick it out and "see how it goes." It's going nowhere. His grottiness will bother you more and more and more, and you don't even live together. If you did, you'd go insane.

poppyzbrite4 · 21/02/2021 03:47

@Misty9

He's a lovely kind man and the relationship is otherwise good. Has anyone else had this issue and managed to resolve it?!

I'm no clean freak, but I clean my bathroom at least once a week. His place must be filthy and I don't blame you for feeling repulsed. Is he depressed? Standards tend to drop with depression. I'd be concerned about eating there or vermin if he's that bad.

Eckhart · 21/02/2021 09:13

I think it's also a bit of an issue that you're referring to your feelings as ridiculous. A healthier stance would be 'I'm uncomfortable. I need x in order to feel comfortable. Are you able to do x?'

There's no rules about this, you have to be led by your feelings if you want to be happy, so if your feelings are saying 'no' here, find a civil way to respect them. Don't call them ridiculous, otherwise you'll find it ok for other people to call them ridiculous, too, and that feels awful. 'You feel sad today? Don't be ridiculous.'; 'You feel like you need to be shown affection? How ridiculous.'

See what a dangerous thought pattern it is? You're already asking for external validation for feeling something that many people would feel. Validate yourself. 'I'm pissed off, so I'm going to make this situation better for myself, by getting him to respect my feelings, or if that doesn't work, by getting out of a relationship where my partner does not meet my needs.'

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/02/2021 09:44

He will not change ever.
The guy I bought my house from wants to date me - we're the same age and he's a nice guy but I cannot overlook the filthy state he left the house in, and the toilet!!! I had to replace it as it was ingrained.
You just know that if you get married or whatever you will be doing all the cleaning and life is too short.

Colourmeclear · 21/02/2021 10:14

I'd try talking to him about it but not in a jokey way, in a this is really important to me kind of way. If it's a deal-breaker then you have nothing to lose by putting it on the table. It'll just eat away at you otherwise.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/02/2021 10:20

This is who he is and when someone tells you who they are it pays to believe them. I am also wondering if hoarding behaviour is at all present here re him because if so I would advise you to end the relationship. Talking to him about this will be a waste of effort on your part.

You are fundamentally not suited to each other and his slovenly ways will further drive you to distraction. His life is one really based in chaos.

Original poster

Misty9 · 21/02/2021 11:15

No, there's no hoarding that I've noticed. And weirdly his toilet is actually the one thing which is always clean!

@Eckhart I agree about using the word 'ridiculous' and tbh that was more to stave off any harsh responses on here! Feeling my feelings aren't valid was a huge issue in my marriage and is something he's really helped me work on positively.

Hmm. Maybe I need to think about how to have this difficult conversation...

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Original poster

Misty9 · 21/02/2021 11:26

I've just asked him who did most of the cleaning when he was married. He said he did!

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cheezy · 21/02/2021 11:37

Why is the consensus that this is impossible to change? Especially following a frank conversation which I don’t think has taken place..? If this is the only negative in the relationship then it’s hardly worth ending it over this is it?

Eckhart · 21/02/2021 11:48

@Misty9

Maybe I need to think about how to have this difficult conversation

Why is it difficult, though? He's your partner. If you tell him how you feel about how clean you like things (rather than pointing the finger at him), then he should want to respect your feelings. The fact that 'he gets a bit funny so I don't feel I can come out and say anything' is red flaggy, and not just about the cleaning. The communication style in the relationship is that he acts in a way that shuts you up, so that he gets what he wants, and you don't get what you want.

Does this style transfer into other parts of your relationship, other than the cleaning/his cleanliness? From what you've said about your past, I'd imagine it does, but that you'll feel a bit nauseated if you actually have to look that fact straight in the eye.

I've got a question for you: Was 'listening to each other's emotions' demonstrated to you as a child? Were you encouraged to talk about how you feel? Did your parents talk to each other and respect each other's feelings? I think I know the answer...

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