Partner doing nothing with baby at all

[greyandblack]

I’m starting to feel a bit resentful and that probably isn’t good.

DP is currently WFH. Yesterday I had a bad night with baby (10 weeks) and asked dp to have her at 7 so I could get an hour before he started work. In fairness to him he had her until 9.

He briefly held her (she wouldn’t be put down) in the morning while I unloaded the washing machine and folded some clothes. Then we went out at 1130, back at 430. DP finished work at 530, said hello to me and baby and had a quick chat, then had a zoom chat with his friends until 830. During this time baby started crying and I took her into the bedroom to rock her and her her to sleep for a bit. She did so and dp probably felt guilty as he came in but he never keeps his voice down and it woke her up. So I went back in the lounge.

He came out of his chat at 830. Gave her a bottle so I could express some milk, then I took her for her bath. Again for some inexplicable reason he came in while I was on the toilet (!) then went for his dinner. Got baby out of bath and she was unsettled and crying, so got her into bed. His only contribution all day has been to have her for those two hours in the morning.

I’m just fed up of having to ask for help as it makes me feel bad and incompetent. I don’t really understand why he isn’t offering to have her for a stretch in the night on Friday or Saturday when he doesn’t have to be up the next day. He’ll sleep until 10/11 tomorrow morning. But then sometimes it’s easier without him. Does anyone else find this?

He does help in other ways, he’s brilliant with his hands and can and has fixed up loads in my house (I haven’t sold it yet) and he’s generous and kind. But I do feel like he’s lazy with the baby and doesn’t do anything even approaching an equal amount.

OP,

I'm so sorry you are having this time spoiled for you.

But I think you are being very passive by allowing this.

Hand the baby over and walk away for a break. Insist.

He doesn't get to 'help' with his child.

There are so many depressing threads like this on MN and yet the women end up with 4 children🙄.

If my husband behaved like this with DS1, he would have been an only child.

Stop being passive.

Spell it out to him clearly and loudly.

Also tell family and friends you are struggling doing it all on your own.

PND is so easy to get through lack of sleep and feeling abandoned and uncared for.

My husband couldn't breast feed but bloody hell he did all the cooking, house work, laundry, tea, snacks you name it.

Do not kid yourselves that they cannot see how exhausting and hard it is.

They can see but they choose to conveniently look the other way because that suits them best.

They are men that are quite prepared to put themselves ahead of you.

This is who they are.

They may care a bit about you and the baby, but in no way more important than they are.

They will do as little as they can get away with.

A 3 hour zoom call is beyond selfish having been out at work and a new baby in the house.
Unbelievably selfish.

Making excuses for him does you no favours.

You need to tell him that he needs to step up.

Please think about reaching out for support.

You need to protect yourself and your baby from his selfishness.

You need to stay well.

If he won't care for you, do you have family who will?

I agree with PP get out of the mindset of him.helping its him doing his share. And it's his, to do, or to arrange alternatives. Not to duck out of and expect you to pick up the slack.

My husband does 50 50 but tbh that was pure luck not pre agreed discussions or agreements, because no one knows what it's going to be like having a baby.

But we always went along with roughly (work issues and health issues aside) both having the same amount of leisure time and relaxation time etc. I think it helped us sharing paternity leave so neither of us was ever the default parent. I think that's a good starting point

And both of us were tied. Whether we worked inside or outside the home at the time. I dont really get the 'you're only driving around our child so it doesnt matter if you're so tired you cant see, I go in the office so I need 8 hours to be alert in my meeting' mentality

I don't agree with creeping about whispering. It will make your baby wake up at the least little noise. I think he's doing quite a bit considering he's also at work.

If you aren't saying anything then does he he think you want to do it all yourself? He's not a mind reader. Does he change nappies, cook the dinners, empty dishwasher etc? Sometimes men are afraid they are not capable with the baby so they avoid it.

YANBU at all.

When DS was teeny, DH Would take him pretty much as soon as he got through the door. I would do dinner, then he would send me to bed until midnight, sometimes later, while he would watch him and then he would wake me up to do the rest of the night shift or leave me to sleep if DS was down and I’d just do all the wake ups until morning.
He was also really hands on, shared an equal amount of nappies and feeds (expressed milk for bottles for those) and when I slept downstairs for a while because it was easier to be able to watch the TV and sit up
So I didn’t fall asleep while holding DS, he slept down on the sofa unless I sent him upstairs as he wanted to show support even if he couldn’t physically feed him then as I was BF and could only
Express so much, as he didn’t want me to
Feel like I was on my own.

Now he’s working longer hours and my work has dried up so I do do more of the food prep and daily stuff but he still takes DS as soon as he finishes work and will get up
With him in the morning if I’d had a rough night or tag team with me if he’s been up and I can’t get him back down.

And I don’t think that’s particularly noteworthy or should be praised (like a lot of friends do) because it’s just teamwork
And that’s how it should be!

I feel like most people will say you shouldn't have to ask and he's lazy etc but I feel in the real world, a lot of men don't get that instinct to be pro active straight away. My dp took maybe 6/7 months to learn and I'm still doing the majority as he works but tbf I feel my role is just harder than his in a lot of ways but that is the way our family is set up. It's life.
I think I am the minority though and a lot of people would say I'm too easy on him, just offering another perspective where your role is indeed harder than his but if your baby and partner are happy then you're happy. I'm young but I think my view will be thought of old fashioned and not very feminist perhaps!

@greyandblack your frustration is completely understandable. However, I think a lot of men see how attached the baby is primarily to the mother and that for a lot of practical things, it makes sense for mum to take care of baby as the baby prefers mum, so they feel they are not much use. We forget that this is what babies biologically do, after all you're the one who carried them for 9 months and gave birth to them, not your boyfriend. It's completely normal that you are the baby's main direct carer, especially if you're breastfeeding.

However where dad's help can come is all the other stuff e.g. holding baby to give you a break, looking after you, cooking, household tasks etc. Frustration will get you nowhere (and you're certainly not incompetent!) - be very direct about what you want your boyfriend to do e.g. make dinner, offer X while you do Y, hold baby so he knows where he is most useful.

@evenBetter

Yikes, you aren’t married? I hope you at least own your own home. Bad, bad idea to be a SAHM without the legal protections of marriage.

Life rarely plays out the way you plan it. A lot of pregnancies are unplanned!

@RhymesWithOrange

What *@blackcat86* said. Stop this right now. He should be waiting on you and your baby hand and foot when he's not working. His life has changed now he has a baby. He needs to be switched on to how much sleep you are missing and jump in to take the baby as much as possible. He can at least do weekend nights.

Not all men are useless. My DH did every single night wakening when my daughter was tiny. Every single one. He would get up, get her from her cot and give her to me to breastfeed, then change her and settle her back down while I went back to sleep.

Bathtime should become his daily responsibility.

My DH did exactly this. He was so much more patient with our kids as babies at night. He needs a lot less sleep than me and to be honest constant breast feeding is so draining. You need your DP to step up and be a real partner and father and not a lazy sod!

bubs , I know, sadly, too many people just bang out kids with zero thought as to how to parent them, or their future on a dying planet, with free, easily available contraception in the uk, there’s no excuse in this day and age. Irrelevant reply to this thread, though.

I hear about situations like this way too often. I’ve been a single parent since day one with my DS (now 3). The only thing I can imagine being more stressful than raising a child alone, is raising a child with a useless man. I really hope the next generation of men and fathers are raised differently so they don’t need their hand holding every step of the f**king way.

Yeah, it's a running theme. DH is useless here too, it's easier when he's just not around

@Savannah80

I hear about situations like this way too often. I’ve been a single parent since day one with my DS (now 3). The only thing I can imagine being more stressful than raising a child alone, is raising a child with a useless man. I really hope the next generation of men and fathers are raised differently so they don’t need their hand holding every step of the f**king way.

And that is EXACTLY what women say when they get rid of useless men.

Harder because you are a single parent, but so much easier without the stress, expectation and hope for support from someone who refuses to parent but whom you end up having to feed and clean up after.

I totally get this.
I can't imagine anything worse that being married to some of the absolute wasters on here.

How much parenting is he actually doing @greyandblack?

If you are expressing why can’t he do some of the feeds?

When DS was a baby he took forever to go back to sleep after a feed at night, think he was hoping I had a third boob! So DH would take him and cuddle him until he fell asleep, which gave me time to have some sleep before the next feed.

Once DS was slightly older sleeping and feeding became easier but in the first weeks working as a team was necessary.

This thread is depressing. So many shit husbands, partners and fathers. And so many women who prefer to think of the man they chose to have a child with as hopeless and unaware, rather than a lazy, selfish shit. Is he hopeless at work?

When dd was newborn dh would get home from work and do most night feeds, all baths, equal cooking. I went to the gym 3 nights a week with my sister while he watched dd and his 2 stepsons and he worked full time. I was suffering from high BP so really needed the exercise and rest. When i returned to work after a year he worked 4 days a week to spend one day at home with dd. He always done equal housework, cooking, childcare etc what I do more of is admin, holiday booking, gift buying, etc. I really don't understand men who can sit by and watch their partners struggle

@greyandblack how did the rest of the weekend go? I do think that when you have a baby some of the confidence and assertiveness we once had disappears a bit. But you need to get proactive. Just put the baby into his arms, go and do other stuff. Be unavailable, just like he makes himself unavailable.

The only thing your child needs you for at this stage is breastfeeding, so your partner is capable and able to do everything else. If you were hospitalised right now he would be doing it all.

Many, many years ago my lovely neighbour had a baby and we were chatting on the pavement (ah good times pre covid) and she was saying she rarely got chance to have a shower. I asked her what her husband's morning routine was, turns out it was quite leisurely. He then came home and I told both of them that every morning Dh made sure I had time for a shower, he dealt with any needs that the baby had. Cue looks from her to him silently conveying yes you should be doing this too. I did it deliberately.

Do you have anyone who could tell him to parent his child? His Mum? Your Mum?

When he does his zoom call, pop the baby on his lap and leave the room. He is a parent. You need to stop doing it all. I think it is ingrained into me as my Mum was a twilight shift worker, so SAHM in the day then out to work when my Dad came home and she worked for a few hours in the evening. My Dad looked after all of us. No choice in the matter really!

You have my sympathy and 10 weeks is the worst point for tiredness and unsettled babies! My DH also did very little with either of our two and still rarely takes any initiative...

Then when he did take on a bit more he used to just talk about it being 'his turn' or 'doing me a favour' - until I spelled out for him that maybe he could look after the children because they were his children, he wanted to have them and he needed to find some enthusiasm for spending time with them because he wanted to, not because he felt he 'owed' me something.

My only suggestion would be to try and spell it out without getting angry. Also maybe don't just focus on the baby but look at the whole picture. Is is time to redistribute some of the other domestic load like shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry etc? As children get bigger the sleep thing becomes less of an issue and the domestic side of things just grows and grows.

Also we had an 'if you wake the baby you get her back to sleep' rule because my husband would also go round slamming doors and shouting into his phone just as the baby had gone down. If he takes some responsibility for getting her to sleep he will quickly learn to keep his voice down! Good luck!

Holy shit. This is not normal. And I’m horrified PP are even trying to suggest it is.

He is her father, literally has as much moral and legal responsibility to her as you do!

This is appalling.

grey poor choices regardless of any pandemic.