Partner doing nothing with baby at all

[greyandblack]

I’m starting to feel a bit resentful and that probably isn’t good.

DP is currently WFH. Yesterday I had a bad night with baby (10 weeks) and asked dp to have her at 7 so I could get an hour before he started work. In fairness to him he had her until 9.

He briefly held her (she wouldn’t be put down) in the morning while I unloaded the washing machine and folded some clothes. Then we went out at 1130, back at 430. DP finished work at 530, said hello to me and baby and had a quick chat, then had a zoom chat with his friends until 830. During this time baby started crying and I took her into the bedroom to rock her and her her to sleep for a bit. She did so and dp probably felt guilty as he came in but he never keeps his voice down and it woke her up. So I went back in the lounge.

He came out of his chat at 830. Gave her a bottle so I could express some milk, then I took her for her bath. Again for some inexplicable reason he came in while I was on the toilet (!) then went for his dinner. Got baby out of bath and she was unsettled and crying, so got her into bed. His only contribution all day has been to have her for those two hours in the morning.

I’m just fed up of having to ask for help as it makes me feel bad and incompetent. I don’t really understand why he isn’t offering to have her for a stretch in the night on Friday or Saturday when he doesn’t have to be up the next day. He’ll sleep until 10/11 tomorrow morning. But then sometimes it’s easier without him. Does anyone else find this?

He does help in other ways, he’s brilliant with his hands and can and has fixed up loads in my house (I haven’t sold it yet) and he’s generous and kind. But I do feel like he’s lazy with the baby and doesn’t do anything even approaching an equal amount.

[peachypetite]

It sounds like you’re hoping he’s all of a sudden going to change and be more hands on. By the sounds of it he isn’t so spell it out.

[greyandblack]

No, probably not. I just feel very vulnerable.

[junebirthdaygirl]

Is this something to do do with dads not being allowed in hospital after the birth during Covid? As soon as our DC were born my dh was in hospital with me all day as as l literally couldn't move with stitches he did everything except breastfeed. By the time we got home he was better able than me with nappies, baths etc. This was 30 years ago.
Obviously he had to go to work then but as soon as he came in the door he was ready for baby action for the evening. Even my own df 50 years ago changed nappies , held baby as soon as he got home.
Don't act like theire s any big change. Just hand him the baby and go and have a bath or call your dm ..whatever. And at weekends pop him the baby and back to sleep. Make no fuss about it just act like this is the most normal thing in the world. Which it is!

[MessagesKeepGettingClearer]

@greyandblack

He doesn’t have the zoom call every day but I would say I generally have the baby 22 out of 24 hours.

Why? Are you spending evenings together? Have you asked him to take over any particular roles? Ie, when you're not at work, please can you be in charge of XYZ. Because I can't do it all and I'm struggling.

Being explicit it what you need is important as when you're both tired and unsure it's hard to coordinate in a way that works.

Some examples;

DP, please can we do it so that every other evening you watch LO for 2 hours while I relax, do xyz.

DP, please can we each take a weekend night to wake for LO. Or if you're breastfeeding, DP, can you wake up to settle the baby once I fed her on weekend nights so that I can get more sleep?

DP, please can you take LO into the lounge while I'm cooking dinner so I can have a mental break?

If he has set responsibilities it helps so you both know what the arrangements and expectations are. It stops a lot of arguments and resentment imo.

[CupOfTeaAlonePlease]

@greyandblack

Sorry if I missed something, but can I ask: why give the baby a bottle so you can express breastmilk? Do you find expressing faster or something?

Sorry if that's a dim question, but I just found expressing a nightmare.

Main issue is obviously DH not pulling his weight.

[MessagesKeepGettingClearer]

@harknesswitch

First of all, he shouldn't be 'helping' this is his child, he should be looking after her as well as you. It's not your job and he helps, it's his job too.

I'd be sitting down with him and spelling out that his contribution isn't good enough. He should be doing 50% of the parenting outside of working hours. On a weekend you both get a night of uninterrupted sleep and a lie in each. I don't see a problem with him having a zoom call, we all need time talking to friends, but you also need time either in a zoom call or some 'you' time, so at some point during the weekday evening, you have this time too.

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe this is the way he's been brought up or simply hasn't cottoned on, but you really do need to nip this in the bud now. By the way this also includes housework etc, outside of working hours it's 50/50, just because you're at home at the moment doesn't mean you should be doing it all

When you have a baby, you help each other. There's no loadedness about using the term help. Yes, you both have responsibilities for the child, home, finances but that doesn't mean you can't "help" each other.

[Lochmorlich]

@MessagesKeepGettingClearer. That’s good to hear. You are a good team.
I feel so sorry for relationships where only one partner parents.
My dh came from the most old fashioned family where women did housework and men did the garden and went out to work.
His dm was horrified when I decided to ebf.

We too were together 11 years before having ds.

[Parker231]

You don’t ask a parent to help look after their baby. Why are you accepting this.
This sleeping in a separate room is an excuse - if you express, why can’t he do the night feeds? Why doesn’t he settle the baby to sleep after he has given the bath?
If he wants to do a zoom call with friends, good but he can look after his child at the same time.
His behaviour is not normal and you shouldn’t accept it - why do you?
You say he is generous and kind - not in my book!

[cookiedoughsweetiepie]

I think the sit down chat is needed. You have shsred responsibility of a child. So you do both need to let each other know in advance what time you are finishing work, what commitments you have made to hobbies and friends etc etc. Because it is unacceptable for either of you to just up and do something uninterrupted for several hours with a tiny baby and not communicate that to the other. When you have a baby all time not working becomes family time and you then negotiate/discuss/carve out family time around that. And yes it might involve missing out on long zoom calls or only joining for half an hour or jumping off when you can see you partner is at the end of their tether. Perhaps your partner is struggling with this major life change and that his time isn't his own anymore? Not being around for bedtime routine is something that has to be planned for imo.

Nip this in the bud now are it will only skew more as needs grow and change.

How about drawing up the babys 'schedule/routine/needs' and all the daily household chores and cooking and shopping. And having that ready for the chat and agreeing a distribution of those that is as equal as works for you both.

I would also continually remind him that the current situation is temporary and how any split will need to be reviewed when you return to work after maternity and he returns to the office etc.

Also its shit asking for help. But some partners need to have it spelt out to them. So rather then continually stew in your own juices. Be explicit about what needs to be done and when. Or you will martyr yourself on a principle (even though you are right).

[Bellendejour]

He needs to realise that life changes when you have a baby. So not going to bed at midnight and expecting to sleep in till 9pm. No three hour zoom chats (1 hour is more than enough!). Or if he wants that, then you get three hours off. Sharing the load with nights. You help and support each other. DD is a toddler now and night sleep is sorted thank god but we still do 50:50 - one of us gets a lie in every other day while the other gets up with DD. We do bath together. We alternate bedtimes (story/song etc). In fact DP probably does a bit more at weekends because I am freelance and doing a course. Having one strung out exhausted parent is obviously awful for you but also not good for baby or relationship. You have to be a team more than ever when you have a little one because they are so exhausting and unpredictable and hard work (and lovely!) I think you need to work out a fair routine and stick to it - the more he does, the more he will realise he can do it (if it’s an insecurity thing rather than a laziness thing). Yes, there can be give and take and doing each other favours/picking up more some days but you should be aiming for an even split over the whole week. The fact that you express makes this easier.

Don’t feel bad or incompetent - he should feel bad and incompetent! You made the baby together and need to look after him/her together.

Lack of day naps

[Lozzerbmc]

Most men see babies as women’s work. Just ask him to do things, they are mostly clueless what to do anyway, Dont wait for him to offer.

Just say right you take her im off for a bath/to cook etc. You have to make them do it.

[MessagesKeepGettingClearer]

@greyandblack

That’s exactly it permanent

I don’t care if he has a zoom call but then it would have been nice if he’d taken over for an hour or two so I could switch off for a bit. I don’t want to feel like a schoolteacher!

And that's the problem with hoping another person will step in. It's a hope. That you then feel resentment towards when it doesn't happen.

Stop the mind reading between you both and be explicit.

Being a parent is new to both of you. He's also juggling work so between you there will be pressure points.

If you want it to work, you need to be open. None of this "but he should know, she should know" crap. Or this "he's obviously just lazy" etc. Parenthood is hard for everyone at the beginning. Work as a team. Have a plan.

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

My opinion is that men like this don't really want children, they are just going along with it because they don't know what else to do.
I know some wonderful and totally involved fathers who wanted children right from the start and are totally involved in the childrens lives.
Its a shame they can't be honest right from the start to pare this resentment as this behaviour is enough to destroy any relationship.

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

I should add that my first husband did absolutely nothing with our baby whatsoever and their relationship is so bad now that they see each other maybe once a year at the most and my son can't even stand that, it's a duty visit.
If your husband doesn't try harder he will not bond with the baby.

[RhymesWithOrange]

OP how is your relationship normally/before the baby? Is there a reason why you feel so vulnerable in tackling him?

How realistic is it for you to get another job?

[passthemustard]

My DP called our 8 week old DS a mummy's boy yesterday because baby clearly prefers me. Because DP works 7 days a week and does fuck all with the baby and DS probably thinks who is this stranger holding me. Yeah. Some men are just dickheads.

[cptartapp]

I would threaten him that if this relationship fails, rather than avoid childcare which doesn't seem to interest him, he will have sole 24/7 charge of his DD for half of every week. See if that focuses his attention!
Are you not married? How are you protected financially if you split? What about your pension becoming a SAHM etc? Lots to think about OP.

[greyandblack]

I know that thanks. I didn’t choose for a pandemic to happen!

[Outbutnotoutout]

@greyandblack

It does make me feel a bit rubbish. Got baby to sleep after three attempts at around 11, then wake ups at 230 and 530. I spend the night alone and dp sleeps in the spare room. I get this during the week but at weekends I could use his help as I could express milk while he feeds. Maybe I need to talk to him again.

When the baby wakes, take her into him and tell him you have been up most of the night, he can have her while you catch up on sleep.

[RatsolutelyFabulous]

OP,

You really shouldn’t be putting up with this at all. It’s not the way that fathers should act nor should they expect to be so lazy and ignorant towards the fact you need help and rest!

Although, I am childless. When my mam and dad had me and my older brother in their early 20’s. Mam had 3 months maternity and even when she was, my dad would always come home and take over. She also breastfed and expressed milk so my dad could bottle feed us.

Mam would work night shifts so would have us for 12 hours and my dad would work day shift and have us 12 hours! If they could both manage to co-parent whilst both working with 2 young kids, I’m absolutely baffled as to how so many blokes seem to be this useless with their own children?

You shouldn’t have to spell it out for him, but most definitely have a conversation with him and tell him from now on what you expect. If he doesn’t step up then you may aswell be single as he’s not really contributing much towards you or baby now is he?

[LannieDuck]

I suggest you make Saturday's his day of looking after baby. You don't do a single thing with baby except breastfeeding. After which you hand her back to Daddy. He's responsible for figuring out what she needs and when etc. It's so important that he learns this stuff early, and that she gets comfortable with him.

Also, work out what would help you for the rest of the week. Perhaps DH could do bath and bedtimes? And then be on baby-duty until 1am? Maybe he could do an early morning shift every day? (My DH used to take the DC from 5am onwards.)

Make set times/events 'his', and shift the expectation of you as default parent. During those times/events, he's the default parent.

Will he be taking any parental leave?

[Namechange200121]

Mines rubbish, he’s got a bit better now DD is bigger - he was almost afraid to hold her when first born and does do a bit more now but rarely off his own back, I have to ask him. he thinks whilst I’m on mat leave that I do most of the childcare and housework etc. but I can’t see it changing much when I return to work if I’m honest with myself. He must have her for an hour a day if that - he’s a Disney dad, swoops in and has fun with her but none of the practical stuff. He does work long unsociable hours and him doing that will enable me to work PT, but he’s so far from hands on it’s a joke and it makes me really sad. I give you my sympathies . It’s made me resent him. If childcare wasn’t so expensive I’d leave him as he’s disappointed me so much despite numerous chats about it. I’d be surprised if we’re still together once DC goes to school / gets free hours.

[IEat]

Go out so he has to have the baby, he might feel that if he does anything you’ll have an opinion on it. Talk to him let him do baby stuff without comment

[Magicpaint]

My husband did the following when we brought our DD home:

• Never did a night feed with her. In fact never got up with her at all on any night.
• Shouted at m

[evenBetter]

Yikes, you aren’t married? I hope you at least own your own home. Bad, bad idea to be a SAHM without the legal protections of marriage.