Partner doing nothing with baby at all

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I’m starting to feel a bit resentful and that probably isn’t good.

DP is currently WFH. Yesterday I had a bad night with baby (10 weeks) and asked dp to have her at 7 so I could get an hour before he started work. In fairness to him he had her until 9.

He briefly held her (she wouldn’t be put down) in the morning while I unloaded the washing machine and folded some clothes. Then we went out at 1130, back at 430. DP finished work at 530, said hello to me and baby and had a quick chat, then had a zoom chat with his friends until 830. During this time baby started crying and I took her into the bedroom to rock her and her her to sleep for a bit. She did so and dp probably felt guilty as he came in but he never keeps his voice down and it woke her up. So I went back in the lounge.

He came out of his chat at 830. Gave her a bottle so I could express some milk, then I took her for her bath. Again for some inexplicable reason he came in while I was on the toilet (!) then went for his dinner. Got baby out of bath and she was unsettled and crying, so got her into bed. His only contribution all day has been to have her for those two hours in the morning.

I’m just fed up of having to ask for help as it makes me feel bad and incompetent. I don’t really understand why he isn’t offering to have her for a stretch in the night on Friday or Saturday when he doesn’t have to be up the next day. He’ll sleep until 10/11 tomorrow morning. But then sometimes it’s easier without him. Does anyone else find this?

He does help in other ways, he’s brilliant with his hands and can and has fixed up loads in my house (I haven’t sold it yet) and he’s generous and kind. But I do feel like he’s lazy with the baby and doesn’t do anything even approaching an equal amount.

If she’s fed from a bottle why can’t he feed her during the night then while you express (if you need to for your comfort and supply reasons)?

The mindset is the first issue; that you are the default carer, you will always look after the baby unless he decides to do a chunk or a specific task.

Talk to him. It's not about him 'helping' more, or being your trainee (though I like the concept of a meeting about it). Its that, for example, when he decided to have a zoom chat with his friends, he had already decided what you were going to do during that time - you were going to be looking after the baby, because someone has to. If he understands more viscerally that he is dictating your day by his decisions, he may start to get it.

No maybe he can’t have a 3 hour zoom chat with friends while holding a squirming baby. That doesn’t mean you have to have the baby. The other option - shockingly - is that he doesn’t have a 3 hour zoom chat?! He could do 30 mins catching up with friends while holding baby and once she gets restless he says goodbye and goes and does whatever he needs to do eg rocking, feeding etc. Why does he get to maintain all aspects of his usual life like nothing has changed? 3 hour social chats with friends? You say “he tends to stay up until midnight” and “he’ll expect to sleep until 9am”. He clearly doesn’t think that this baby is going to change his life and you are reinforcing those expectations by letting him carry on. That is why people are getting a bit frustrated with you OP. It’s not your fault that your husband is being a bit of a lazy arse but you are effectively enabling it by just being the default parent and letting him go about his usual business and just occasionally ‘helping out’ as and when it suits him.

When do you get to have a 3 hour baby free zoom chat OP?

Give him the baby now. Sleep.
Once tested have a chat with him about how parening will look from now on. Do not use words like helping, it isn't doing a favour for a mate, it's being a parent. Raise your expectations op.

"She won’t go in the sling so that’s difficult, I can see he can’t really have a zoom chat with her squirming and crying"
So he forgoes the zoom chat to look after his daughter.That's what parents do.
Get assertive OP.

Not RTFT but - like some PP - I also had to spell out to my DH what was needed and over time he got better at instinctively doing the right thing at the right time. Second time round, he was much better at just cracking on because he knew what was needed. And yes - it’s not helping, it’s parenting.

So every Friday and Saturday night you sleep in the spare bedroom. Don’t ask. Just tell him what’s happening.

When he’s on his zoom call give him the baby and go out for a walk or coffee drive through. He’s perfectly capable of chatting to his mates while holding a baby.

I do think sometimes the mindset of some men is that because the mother is doing this day in day out whilst on maternity that they become the "expert" and the man just does what he has always done, gone to work, come home and then eat dinner.

Dh had a very hands off father and he never felt connected to him ever as a child, he wanted to be the complete opposite for his own children. When I breastfed Dh would then take Ds, wind him, change his nappy and settle him back down to sleep. Also every evening he came home from work and instantly took Ds from me, went into the kitchen and made me a cup of tea, took Ds upstairs talking to him whilst he got changed out of his work clothes. They would then give me 30 minutes blissful peace.

On weekends you need to be more hands off, don't fall into this "family time" where your Dh never spends any one on one time with their child. You need at least one guaranteed lie in on the weekend. My day was Sunday. Yes I had to feed Ds but Dh could do everything else. Once he was bottle fed then we completely shared the workload.

Your Dh needs to understand that his life has changed, he is a parent. This isn't about "helping" you, this is not your sole responsibility when both of you are in the house. He needs to really be involved in the evenings and on weekends.

Make sure he spends chunks of time with his child today. He needs to learn to read the cues, needs to work out when to feed his baby. After all you did, he is no different.

Sorry I realise that my first paragraph seems very flippant. I meant his day isn't spent recovering from having a baby, nor being off on maternity leave. He is still working so his routine is very similar pre-baby to post-baby.

I honestly don’t think he’s a bad man. He has a tendency to focus on one thing at a time, though. I think he’ll be great when she’s older but right now it is very much left to me. It’s compounded by the fact my job vanished in the pandemic last spring and I’ve yet to find another. So it looks likely I’ll be a SAHP for a while.

@OnTheBenchOfDoom your DH sounds great

I am my husband's second wife. His first was hospitalised for 3 months straight after the birth of their boy so he had no choice. So when our daughter was born he just mucked in without thinking.

I don’t understand how in 2021 women are putting up with this.
My ds is 36 now, he was ebf but my dh still got up with me every night and took ds to settle after his feed.
He was the same when dd arrived and I only worked part time after having dc.
Dh used to commute for 3 hours a day, looking back he must have been exhausted.

And when we went on holiday he always said that he would mind the dc whilst I relaxed because he knew I did most of parenting as he worked long hours.

Bur we didn’t have constant screens.
I honestly think we benefited from the lack of technological distractions.

How representative was yesterday compared to most days? What does an average evening look like?

How much to do explicitly ask for support? Whilst in an ideal world you wouldn't have to ask; this is all new to both of you and maybe he doesn't always realise when you need a break.

Tell him you feel the current situation isn't working well for you so you want to work together to fix it.
Ask him which tasks he wants to do with the baby and which day he would prefer to have his lie in and which day you should have yours. It's harder for him to say out loud, 'I don't think I should have any tasks with the baby and I don't think you should have a lie in '. My dh does bath time and all night things until midnight and he then lies in until 8. I prefer morning so go to bed at 9 and wake around 6. Other night time wake ups we swap nightly so one night one, one night off.

He doesn’t have the zoom call every day but I would say I generally have the baby 22 out of 24 hours.

Okay, so what are you going to propose?

22 out of the 24 hours. Jesus. Sounds familiar.

Admittedly a baby still breastfeeding is going to spend more time with their mum. But honestly. Talk to him. This is not ok.

@Lochmorlich

I don’t understand how in 2021 women are putting up with this. My ds is 36 now, he was ebf but my dh still got up with me every night and took ds to settle after his feed. He was the same when dd arrived and I only worked part time after having dc. Dh used to commute for 3 hours a day, looking back he must have been exhausted. And when we went on holiday he always said that he would mind the dc whilst I relaxed because he knew I did most of parenting as he worked long hours.

Bur we didn’t have constant screens.
I honestly think we benefited from the lack of technological distractions.

I don't think it's a sign of the times.

My partner works in a senior management job and with our twins 2 yrs ago was with me every step of the way. I would feed them, he would settle them. We still take turns getting up each morning with them even though I don't work (look after them and currently due #3 any minute).

I am very vocal about what I need and he has always been a hard worker and a loyal person. He does the lion's share of the housework at the moment and we have a plan in place to split responsibilities once the baby is here with the toddlers too.

I think it comes down to communication and personality. My partner has always been incredibly loyal to me and open

My friends partner on the otherhand has been useless. It's a gay marriage and her wife escapes to the spare room every night just because her job is more senior. She avoids any childcare on her own and every bit of family life makes her incredibly anxious. My friend can't rely on her and she's copped out now for 6 years. Their relationship isn't in a good place due to this.

I was with my partner for 12 yrs before having kids which helps. But also we are very open with each other.

Oh, and my partner is a gamer and tech is his job, so is very much a 2021 technology lover. But it hasn't changed how supportive a partner he is.

I don't think this is about proposing a specific deal that she then has to police on top of everything else. Time and details will vary week to week. This is about him sorting out his thinking and actions.

That’s exactly it permanent

I don’t care if he has a zoom call but then it would have been nice if he’d taken over for an hour or two so I could switch off for a bit. I don’t want to feel like a schoolteacher!

You need to get assertive OP and spell it out to him - LOUD AND CLEAR!!!!!

This situation is unacceptable and you'll drive yourself into the ground.

I'm not having a dig at you but it honestly baffles me why women put up with crap like this.

Oh and he'll have a lie in until 10am????? Errrr no!!!! He'll drag his lazy arse out of bed and look after HIS child!!!!!

You need to get this sorted right now!

I can’t get over him sleeping in another room, whether he’s working or not your supposed to be a team and in this together.
When my DD was small she used to go down to sleep around 7.30 often for an hour so I would go to bed then and leave her in the Moses basket downstairs stairs with DP if she waked and needed holding he’d have to stop whatever he was doing and hold her. She had expressed breast milk so he would stay up with her give herself bottle around 10.30 change her and then bring her to bed. I would wake to express but would pipe hire noise on and she slept for a couple of hours then and I would go back to sleep too. Then when she was up again I felt a bit rested and id go and sit in the nursery to feed her quietly so DP could then get some sleep. White noise was my life saver, she used to settle well in the Crib if that was being played.
I was generally happy to do all the night feeds I know I function better at night than DP however he did plenty of other things. He cooked every day for pretty much my whole maternity leave, he cleaned, walked the dogs and did most the household tasks. Meaning if I wanted to I could sleep in the day when the baby slept because I knew the other things were being taken care of.
I’d occasionally be exhausted and on the weekend he’d say I’ll do the night feeds tonight you get some sleep.

A 3 hour zoom call is a little selfish, is this every day? Surely he wouldn’t be actually seeing his mates for 3 hours a day after work if we weren’t in a pandemic especially with a new baby.

I do think some men just don’t get it, they don’t realise how hard it is they think it’s easy to sit and hold a baby all day and night.
Have a chat with him, if he’s a good man like you say he probably doesn’t realise he’s being a bit of a selfish arse.
Failing that turn the bloody WiFi off so he can’t have his 3 hour zoom give him the baby and go for a hot bath and lock the door!

@blackcat86

'I did manage to turn things around with DH to some extent as DD is 2.5 now but I still carry a lot of resentment for those early days and months and how someone who says he loves and me and DD so much could have let me struggle alone and suffer so much.'

Oh god I could have written this but I've blocked a lot of it out. DH is good now but when I think back to early days with the first baby...I am still dismayed at how comfortable he allowed himself to be while I struggled.

I change my previous answer about a calm chat, this is actually a time for crying and screaming.

I have literally once in my life lost my composure around DH- and it was when he was merrily plodding through life while I struggled with a newborn with complex health needs. I lost it, I screamed and cried and told him I was drowning while he sipped margaritas on the beach and I fucking despised him for it.

Anyway, because I am normally a calm person it scared the crap out of him and he hasn't ever been such a prat since.

First of all, he shouldn't be 'helping' this is his child, he should be looking after her as well as you. It's not your job and he helps, it's his job too.

I'd be sitting down with him and spelling out that his contribution isn't good enough. He should be doing 50% of the parenting outside of working hours. On a weekend you both get a night of uninterrupted sleep and a lie in each. I don't see a problem with him having a zoom call, we all need time talking to friends, but you also need time either in a zoom call or some 'you' time, so at some point during the weekday evening, you have this time too.

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe this is the way he's been brought up or simply hasn't cottoned on, but you really do need to nip this in the bud now. By the way this also includes housework etc, outside of working hours it's 50/50, just because you're at home at the moment doesn't mean you should be doing it all