Ended relationship with commitment-phobe. Feeling heartbroken.

[JudiRuliani]

(I've NC for this so it's not linked to some other threads)

Ended a long-term relationship today with OH due to his commitment issues.

I know it's for the best, long-term, for me, but I am feeling really sad right now. He's my best friend, he's rejected me really and I've made major life decisions during our relationship because I thought we would marry and live happily ever after :(

It's nothing compared to some of the threads here, I know that, BUT I'm 50, out of work (thanks to Covid) and relocated 300 miles from family and friends for the 'happily ever after' and right now, I can't see how I'll ever be able to afford to move back. My adult DC are there, siblings, friends and elderly parents, so I'd like to move back. Feeling very alone and isolated.

We started out long-distance for the first year, then I moved closer to him. We'd discussed marriage a lot, and have a shared faith where marriage is the 'right' thing to do and it was something we both wanted. I had (stupidly I now realise) assumed it would happen quite quickly. We believed we were 'meant to be' and God had chosen us for each other.

Then the conversations about marriage stopped, talking about the future became a real issue. He always had an excuse that seems plausible - not been together long, too much uncertainty with work, etc and so talking about the future became a tense, argumentative subject. But we got on amazingly, had so much fun, I've never smiled so much and he was wonderful to me. Constantly telling me I was 'the one', amazing, love of his life. I'd listen to him telling other people this too and just thought one day he'd propose.

Whenever we argued about it and he got defensive there would be an apology, a reassurance that we would, he just needed more time, needed to make sure he'd be a good husband. We'd look at rings, discuss venues, agree to get his house ready to sell so we could get one together etc.

So I waited. And waited. And we never did get his house ready, there was always an excuse, or incredibly slow progress. Last summer one of my DC told me he'd asked them the previous Christmas if they'd be happy if we married as he was ready to propose. They were surprised nothing had come of it. I asked him about this and again he was defensive - he always looks terrified and panicked when the subject comes up. More excuses, but then also more carrots dangled in terms of discussing rings, telling me I'd be so surprised when he did propose and he was going to get it right.

Then comes Lockdown 1. We decided that even though it clashed with our faith we would spend it together and I moved into his house (but was still paying rent on mine and still am). We had a lovely spring and summer and I really thought that things would move forward.

I spoke recently about the future again, I explained I wasn't settled living in his house, I missed my own stuff and felt a bit like a lodger. Was it time for us to get a place together? Apparently not, why didn't I make it more like home, why did he have to lead on it? I replied that I can't just redecorate HIS house, and aren't we trying to get it ready to sell? Now is not a good time to sell according to him. And then the stinger "would it feel more like home if you owned half, is that what you're after?" So again, trying to discuss our future just descends into him getting angry.

And the same old excuses... why change what we're doing, we're happy so why rock the boat etc

Except I'm not happy. It's been a long time of waiting and deep down I know that if he really wanted to be married we would be. His actions speak far louder than his words. I've tried to reach the goalposts each time they've moved and just don't know what's so wrong with me. Friends have met and married in the time we've been together, why not us?

Anyway, I've decided to move back to my house and take it from there. I'm just so upset and feel so stupid for waiting, for falling for the compliments and feel both rejected and humiliated. I think maybe he love-bombed me at the start and it was so different to my previous (abusive) marriage and I naively fell for it. And he does treat me well BUT marriage is important to us both, we don't have a sexual relationship because we're trying to be 'right'. We did initially and then felt guilty so agreed together to abstain as much as possible, not always easy, but there were lots of kisses and cuddles so it's been ok, not amazing, and I do miss that and feel unattractive as a result. I guess he's not missing it as much/at all. I've fallen in to a habit of doing the wife work (cooking, cleaning, shopping) because I'm not working and feel guilty, but it's all the crap parts and none of the fun!

The whole situation has battered my self-esteem, I can't imagine ever trusting anyone again, I'm anxious about the future - I am at real risk of homelessness unless I find a job soon. And I guess i feel bitter that he promised the happily ever after and just hasn't bothered.

I'm now being told by him that I'm making a mistake, over-reacting and that we can be happy as we are, but I genuinely feel it's time to cut my losses and start afresh.

Sorry, this has been long, thank you for reading. Not sure what I'm looking for really - reassurance, encouragement? An alternative perspective? I'm terrified at the prospect of starting over again at 50, feels like the world belongs to a much younger generation and I've wasted a lot of years waiting to be good enough and still aren't.

Why would someone who professes to love me do this? And why have I become so embarrassingly pathetic?

Oh gosh I feel for you. It's so hard when everything seems to just click into place with someone but just that one thing where the other person you are with doesn't see the value in you or the value of marriage or full commitment, then when you bring it up its either leve it or lump it. I am 50 in 2 weeks time. I am also single and 1800 kilometers away from my family asi got married and moved away to be with my ex. That marriage failed due to ex drinking and general misbehaviour that comes with it.

Are you in a position to move back?

Sorry op it's difficult to end a relationship when you don't want to but if you're not getting the commitment you need it's not making you happy and that's what's it's all about.

Hug
He is a cunt.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
You should like a giving woman with integrity. Don't let this man make you feel like shit. You have done nothing wrong. I am divorced and your age and the one thing I have learned is that there are no princes on white horses. You are responsible for your own happily ever after. That doesn't mean you cannot trust men, but it does mean you cut your losses here because this guy is willing to use you. I would move back, find a job, and see what life has in store. You seem lovely, really.

Thank you all so much for reading and replying, your encouragement has really helped, and strengthened my resolve. It would be so easy to stay in a less than perfect situation, just because it's easier and less painful right now. But no, I'm sticking to me guns and valuing myself.

@Bobcatbob - 'wide' work made me laugh! I probably am a bit wider in the hips since lockdown!

@Pegsonstrings - I'm so sorry to see you are also far from your family and friends. I hope things get better for you soon x

No sex?
Maybe if you spend some time apart you both might find you miss each other.
It maybe the breather you need to reassess your relationship.
It really does sound like you both love each other.
And while I understand no sex for religious reasons when younger at 50 odd it does seem - sorry, a bit old fashioned.
Live together, have sex together, and then 'in time' maybe get married.
You don't need to get married to be totally committed.
Having a shared house (legally which he offered) is a big commitment. I'd be taking him up on it and slapping some paint on the wall.
But ask yourself this - is it really moving away from all you hold dear - your family etc the reason you've got cold feet? If he lived on the same street as them, would you make the same decision?
I was 4 years before I remarried, my choice, but was totally committed, just wouldn't marry in case we split up / got divorced again - been together 27 years now .

Could your parents or kids put you up until you get on your feet? You need support of people who love you around you.

I know you said that you have a shared faith but do you think that sex is an issue for him? Could he be avoiding marriage to avoid sex? Do you think this sexlessness suits him?

Fwiw, I had a partner before my DH and I absolutely adored him. He was completely commitment phobic but I thought it was just me, that he’d meet someone else and commit. That was over 20 years ago and he’s still single, never committed, never cohabited.

OP.. you have done the right thing ... Im sorry you are in pain.. but he was not being honest or fair... he was leading you up the garden path... you deserve better 🌺

Do you have a shortened version of that , I’m on my coffee break ?

Do whatever you can to move back to where your kids and family are

Hi OP, you've absolutely done the right thing. Even though you're hurting now, you clearly value your own feelings and needs which is something we should all do. That will see you through this difficult transitional time. A better future awaits

@Pyewhacket - this did make me laugh! Sorry, it's long isn't it, needs at least a lunch break! Thanks for making me smile

Everyone else's advice is so brilliant, thanks so much. You're right, I need to find a way to move back to family and friends.

And yes, I'd feel the same if he lived on the next street to my family....it's the false promises that hurt, being led up the garden path and promised a wonderful reward that never materialised. If it had never been promised I wouldn't feel as let down and I would have made very different decisions about a lot of things.

He's also like this with days out or holidays, always suggesting he'll arrange something amazing and then never doing it. I don't want or need these days out or holidays, it's just the suggesting it, bigging it up, saying he'd like to treat me....and then, nothing. Like he actually can't really be arsed or I don't really deserve it.

Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate your time

“He's also like this with days out or holidays, always suggesting he'll arrange something amazing and then never doing it. I don't want or need these days out or holidays, it's just the suggesting it, bigging it up, saying he'd like to treat me....and then, nothing. Like he actually can't really be arsed or I don't really deserve it.”

This confirms that you’re right to end it, OP. Talk is cheap - it’s what he does that counts and it’s all been about you accommodating him.

As PP have said - move back to your old home and rebuild your life there. If it helps: my mum met the love of her life in her mid-50s (and they got married the same year).

I think Deux makes a good point. I suspect there is some issue around sex for him.

I'm really sorry OP. Regardless of the underlying reason, you've made the right decision. And it's a brave one. You could have stayed where you are, understandably out of fear, of all the issues you mention.

Sorry if I've missed this but why can't you move closer to friends & family now? You are renting, and haven't a job. Isn't now the right time to move back?

Also, you say 50 like it's 100! You've plenty of opportunities for both new work & relationship opportunities (I don't mean that to be glib). 💐

Yanbu to leave him due to this

“He's also like this with days out or holidays, always suggesting he'll arrange something amazing and then never doing it. I don't want or need these days out or holidays, it's just the suggesting it, bigging it up, saying he'd like to treat me....and then, nothing. Like he actually can't really be arsed or I don't really deserve it.”

This would drive me nuts and make me feel shit all the time.

Is he previously married with kids?

When I read the bit about owning half the house I thought oh that's a good idea - but is suspect it like everything will never happen.

He is a future faker. He has no intention of making good on his promises. Well done OP.

@EarringsandLipstick - thanks for your reply, it really helps to have so much reassurance that what I'm doing IS right.

I'd love to move back, I just can't afford to at the moment. I need to get a job, save some money and then go. No one has room for me sadly. I'll be moving from the North back to the South and rentals are far more expensive. So just got to save up a bit first. Planning to sell a lot of my stuff on eBay/Facebook marketplace too so that will help.

I feel about 100! I keep wondering where the ballsy me if my youth has gone... time to find her I think!

@LeaveMyDamnJam

He is a future faker. He has no intention of making good on his promises. Well done OP.

Thanks for the encouragement. I've known this for a long time, just kept hoping I was wrong :(

Never mind, we learn and go onwards and upwards!

I can't tell what your future is going to be like because of this decision, but I don't think you're making a mistake.

he just needed more time, needed to make sure he'd be a good husband

heard that one before. Same old isn't it? I want to save before I get married, want to wait for that promotion, want to make sure that everything is perfect, a day that will never come and if it does, I'll just invent another goal to get in the way.

And then comes what he probably meant all along -

why change what we're doing, we're happy so why rock the boat etc

I think he wants to appear to be like a prince without any of the work or commitment.

My heart really goes out to you OP and of course you feel terrible right now and your brain will play tricks on you, bringing to the forefront the good times, his good qualities, and the doubts about your decision.

But stand firm.

You have absolutely 1000% done the right thing. I wrote on another, similar themed post, about how I threw some of the best years of my life away (my fit twenties and a lot of my thirties) on a man who wouldn't commit. In every other way this man 'got me' our humour, our physical synergy, our outlook, our temperament... all seemed to click. In the words of the song 'It seemed so right it can't be wrong' Unfortunately, I wasn't as strong or as wise as you, and I hail from the land of stupid. I too, had a strong belief in marriage, but compromised, always hoping we would be formally together, make a home etc but it only emerged in my imagination, never reality. And he would make me feel great, but everytime I attempted to get under his skin enough, to really move him to make that firm commitment he'd back away. And as a woman with faith, you understand I'm sure, that that caused a degree of actual distress. I mentally call him Rubber Band Man now.

This is what small wisdom I learned: men like this, it's an intrinsic character flaw which has it's cause in factors that have nothing to do with you. It might be their relationship with their own mother, their sexuality, or some other factors in their past or some fear. Either way, they can't get past it to commit. But they lack the ability to put it into words. They even don't know why they are, the way they are, and are unaware themselves (I suspect a couple family issues particularly with his father in my ex's case). They can have sterling attributes and treat you well in every other way, but if they 'keep back' a part of themselves, no matter how great you are, no matter how much you compromise, no matter how committed you are, or how much you love them, or how much you work on yourself to become 'wife material' it won't change them, move them or compel them.

Now, sometimes what happens is once you say 'goodbye' to these men and appear to be unbudgeable, one of two things happen: 1. They come running with promises and lots of love bombing and may even 'make the committment' aka, put the ring on the finger, buy the house, etc and you think you've got them, but you will gradually and painfully discover that you haven't. They will eventually withdraw back to not giving you all of themselves and resent you mentally in the process. Years later, you will get a nasty surprise when all this resentment that you knew nothing about comes out. Leaving you devastated.

1. They quickly move onto someone else and appear to commit to that person resulting in you feeling doubly rejected. But this is also a facade, it's an attempt to prove to themselves that you were wrong and they are not dysfunctional. The same problems will arise later down the line with this new person.

You did the right thing. Yes you are 50. So what? Mentally we are not much older than we were in our twenties. Please imagine being 55 or 60 and still waiting for this man. You have your faith, work on that, and gather your strength. It is very painful and we have covid and you feel isolated from your friends and family, so that hurts more. But the pain doesn't mean you are wrong about this decision.

Practically, make some plans with baby steps to getting back to your support base. Can you maybe move in with a good friend or relative for a bit if they have space?

Finally, Never Ever make all the compromises for a man who won't make much, if any, compromises for you.

You sound like a lovely warm woman I have every belief you'll find someone one else with a warm and more open heart. It's better to have someone with a full more flaws, who really respects, values and honours you than a man who appears to but doesn't. 1000 x better.

OP sorry you’ve been through this. You have made the right decision because if you continued that way the resentment would just increase and by the time he did propose , the relationship wouldn’t have been the same. How long were you together?

Tbh reading this from an outside perspective it seems like it’s a money thing to him (I.e. the comment about you getting half of his house). Were you planning to put half of your own money into buying the new house? If not, maybe this is what he was worried about.

@nevernotstruggling - he's never been married but does have an adult child from a ONS when he was 20. The never married part was a red flag I (stupidly) ignored in the early days.

The owning half the house wasn't said nicely, it was 'a stinger' in that it was said unpleasantly as though I had ill intentions to just get married so I could fleece him in a divorce.

What he doesn't understand is that IF we just live together and something happened to him (like he died before me) I would be left homeless as his adult child would inherit - and rightly so - but that lack of security is frightening.

That's not why I hoped to get married but is a concern.

I wanted to be married to him because we had great plans of what our life together would be like AND I wanted the full range of married life before my poor old fanny just gives up!!! I keep seeing all these articles in magazines about the most amazing sex at 40/50+ and am frustrated TBH. I know it's not the be-all and end-all but it is important and the one thing that makes people an intimate partnership and not just a friendship.

And I absolutely DREAD getting back out there and don't think I probably will.