Ended relationship with commitment-phobe. Feeling heartbroken.

[JudiRuliani]

(I've NC for this so it's not linked to some other threads)

Ended a long-term relationship today with OH due to his commitment issues.

I know it's for the best, long-term, for me, but I am feeling really sad right now. He's my best friend, he's rejected me really and I've made major life decisions during our relationship because I thought we would marry and live happily ever after :(

It's nothing compared to some of the threads here, I know that, BUT I'm 50, out of work (thanks to Covid) and relocated 300 miles from family and friends for the 'happily ever after' and right now, I can't see how I'll ever be able to afford to move back. My adult DC are there, siblings, friends and elderly parents, so I'd like to move back. Feeling very alone and isolated.

We started out long-distance for the first year, then I moved closer to him. We'd discussed marriage a lot, and have a shared faith where marriage is the 'right' thing to do and it was something we both wanted. I had (stupidly I now realise) assumed it would happen quite quickly. We believed we were 'meant to be' and God had chosen us for each other.

Then the conversations about marriage stopped, talking about the future became a real issue. He always had an excuse that seems plausible - not been together long, too much uncertainty with work, etc and so talking about the future became a tense, argumentative subject. But we got on amazingly, had so much fun, I've never smiled so much and he was wonderful to me. Constantly telling me I was 'the one', amazing, love of his life. I'd listen to him telling other people this too and just thought one day he'd propose.

Whenever we argued about it and he got defensive there would be an apology, a reassurance that we would, he just needed more time, needed to make sure he'd be a good husband. We'd look at rings, discuss venues, agree to get his house ready to sell so we could get one together etc.

So I waited. And waited. And we never did get his house ready, there was always an excuse, or incredibly slow progress. Last summer one of my DC told me he'd asked them the previous Christmas if they'd be happy if we married as he was ready to propose. They were surprised nothing had come of it. I asked him about this and again he was defensive - he always looks terrified and panicked when the subject comes up. More excuses, but then also more carrots dangled in terms of discussing rings, telling me I'd be so surprised when he did propose and he was going to get it right.

Then comes Lockdown 1. We decided that even though it clashed with our faith we would spend it together and I moved into his house (but was still paying rent on mine and still am). We had a lovely spring and summer and I really thought that things would move forward.

I spoke recently about the future again, I explained I wasn't settled living in his house, I missed my own stuff and felt a bit like a lodger. Was it time for us to get a place together? Apparently not, why didn't I make it more like home, why did he have to lead on it? I replied that I can't just redecorate HIS house, and aren't we trying to get it ready to sell? Now is not a good time to sell according to him. And then the stinger "would it feel more like home if you owned half, is that what you're after?" So again, trying to discuss our future just descends into him getting angry.

And the same old excuses... why change what we're doing, we're happy so why rock the boat etc

Except I'm not happy. It's been a long time of waiting and deep down I know that if he really wanted to be married we would be. His actions speak far louder than his words. I've tried to reach the goalposts each time they've moved and just don't know what's so wrong with me. Friends have met and married in the time we've been together, why not us?

Anyway, I've decided to move back to my house and take it from there. I'm just so upset and feel so stupid for waiting, for falling for the compliments and feel both rejected and humiliated. I think maybe he love-bombed me at the start and it was so different to my previous (abusive) marriage and I naively fell for it. And he does treat me well BUT marriage is important to us both, we don't have a sexual relationship because we're trying to be 'right'. We did initially and then felt guilty so agreed together to abstain as much as possible, not always easy, but there were lots of kisses and cuddles so it's been ok, not amazing, and I do miss that and feel unattractive as a result. I guess he's not missing it as much/at all. I've fallen in to a habit of doing the wife work (cooking, cleaning, shopping) because I'm not working and feel guilty, but it's all the crap parts and none of the fun!

The whole situation has battered my self-esteem, I can't imagine ever trusting anyone again, I'm anxious about the future - I am at real risk of homelessness unless I find a job soon. And I guess i feel bitter that he promised the happily ever after and just hasn't bothered.

I'm now being told by him that I'm making a mistake, over-reacting and that we can be happy as we are, but I genuinely feel it's time to cut my losses and start afresh.

Sorry, this has been long, thank you for reading. Not sure what I'm looking for really - reassurance, encouragement? An alternative perspective? I'm terrified at the prospect of starting over again at 50, feels like the world belongs to a much younger generation and I've wasted a lot of years waiting to be good enough and still aren't.

Why would someone who professes to love me do this? And why have I become so embarrassingly pathetic?

Overlook the grammar OP, thick fingers

He’s a massive ‘future faker’.

Moving on is the best decision. Choosing to live your life without the constant drip feed of disappointment will be very freeing.

@JudiRuliani you've made the best decision, well done! Move out as soon as you can (don't wait for perfect accommodation as you can always move again when more properties become available).

Don't feel humiliated, it's him who should feel humiliated for being a coward. The great thing is that by abstaining from sex and setting some boundaries, you've not given this commimentphobe absolutely everything of yourself. You've also reduced the bonding hormones to him which, even though understandably very painful right now, will mean he'll be easier to get over in time.

@JudiRuliani this man has been lying to you. He's he one who has been dishonest and untrustworthy - you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. NEVER take him back. Well done for seeing through this and stopping sleeping with him (a lot of women never do and continue letting themselves be strung along for the rest of their lives or until the man finally dumps them for another woman).

@JudiRuliani try not to focus on the getting back out there. What's going on is about not tolerating being miserable. Because though it doesn't feel like it right now - you have made a decision based on the fact you value yourself enough to know this isn't good enough for you. And that's a ice strength.

Also a ONS??? So he can do that???

@judiruliani I've just done the same thing, minus the marriage part. We just couldn't progress and his lack of willingness to even discuss took its toll.
I feel utterly heartbroken at the moment and pushed into doing something I don't want to do. I sympathise but you've made the right decison as awful as it feels.. Telling myself this anyway

You have done the right thing.
I hope you manage to get back to your family soon .

And why have I become so embarrassingly pathetic?

This was the last sentence of your post - but by the time I got there, I was thinking how strong and gutsy you’d been to make the call and make the break. Not pathetic at all - quite the opposite.

Classic future faking. He lured you in, got his feet under the table and he's quite happy getting the wife treatment in exchange for nothing.

He's still feeding you lines.

You're doing the right thing. Quit wasting your time with him. He's not a keeper.

Leave and stay gone.

He has shown you that he isn't / wasn't your best friend and as others have said he is a 'future faker', sounds controlling as well. You have done the right thing.

It's the false promises that hurt, being led up the garden path and promised a wonderful reward that never materialised. If it had never been promised I wouldn't feel as let down and I would have made very different decisions about a lot of things

That could well be why he kept promising it - because you sound like a lovely and giving lady, and the decisions you made on the back of it suited him just fine

I'm quite sure you know you've made the right decision, and do understand you need to put some financials in place before moving away, but please do be careful ... faced with the upheaval of his nice life, this is when the promises may ramp up again and it would be only too easy to believe that he finally means it,
He won't - but if you risk weakening, you could sacrifice the chance for a lot of peace of mind in future

You’ve done the right thing, don’t let him talk you back. He’s obviously comfortable with the status quo, but it doesn’t suit you and he doesn’t care about that at all.
He’s definitely a future faker, as others have said.
Look after yourself, and make those plans to get back with people who genuinely care about you. He’s full of crap.

@nevernotstruggling re the ONS, it was before he became a Christian. He WAS a prolific womaniser and is acutely ashamed and embarrassed by his past and his treatment of women/girlfriends (ie being unfaithful). Full of shame and self-loathing which I realise contributes to our issues as well. By abstaining he cannot condemn him self for taking advantage of me in that way. Faith eh!!

We both share a Christian faith, and both have a 'past' with its own baggage.

@Ntwa - I'm so sorry to hear that you're in the same boat. It IS the right thing, but it really hurts doesn't it. Grieving for what we thought was going to be the future.

It will get better. The best is never in the past.

^The owning half the house wasn't said nicely, it was 'a stinger' in that it was said unpleasantly as though I had ill intentions to just get married so I could fleece him in a divorce.^

I would be livid if a partner implied this! How insulting and hurtful. He's obviously more concerned about his money. Well done for walking away.

I would suggest start planning asap

A move
A job
A holiday or holidays
Not necessarily in that order

Don't even look back
Hold your head up high !
There are many more adventures for you on the horizon

I think you have made the right choice to move on.

@CatherineOfAragonsPomegranate

My heart really goes out to you OP and of course you feel terrible right now and your brain will play tricks on you, bringing to the forefront the good times, his good qualities, and the doubts about your decision.

But stand firm.

You have absolutely 1000% done the right thing. I wrote on another, similar themed post, about how I threw some of the best years of my life away (my fit twenties and a lot of my thirties) on a man who wouldn't commit. In every other way this man 'got me' our humour, our physical synergy, our outlook, our temperament... all seemed to click. In the words of the song 'It seemed so right it can't be wrong' Unfortunately, I wasn't as strong or as wise as you, and I hail from the land of stupid. I too, had a strong belief in marriage, but compromised, always hoping we would be formally together, make a home etc but it only emerged in my imagination, never reality. And he would make me feel great, but everytime I attempted to get under his skin enough, to really move him to make that firm commitment he'd back away. And as a woman with faith, you understand I'm sure, that that caused a degree of actual distress. I mentally call him Rubber Band Man now.

This is what small wisdom I learned: men like this, it's an intrinsic character flaw which has it's cause in factors that have nothing to do with you. It might be their relationship with their own mother, their sexuality, or some other factors in their past or some fear. Either way, they can't get past it to commit. But they lack the ability to put it into words. They even don't know why they are, the way they are, and are unaware themselves (I suspect a couple family issues particularly with his father in my ex's case). They can have sterling attributes and treat you well in every other way, but if they 'keep back' a part of themselves, no matter how great you are, no matter how much you compromise, no matter how committed you are, or how much you love them, or how much you work on yourself to become 'wife material' it won't change them, move them or compel them.

Now, sometimes what happens is once you say 'goodbye' to these men and appear to be unbudgeable, one of two things happen: 1. They come running with promises and lots of love bombing and may even 'make the committment' aka, put the ring on the finger, buy the house, etc and you think you've got them, but you will gradually and painfully discover that you haven't. They will eventually withdraw back to not giving you all of themselves and resent you mentally in the process. Years later, you will get a nasty surprise when all this resentment that you knew nothing about comes out. Leaving you devastated.

1. They quickly move onto someone else and appear to commit to that person resulting in you feeling doubly rejected. But this is also a facade, it's an attempt to prove to themselves that you were wrong and they are not dysfunctional. The same problems will arise later down the line with this new person.

You did the right thing. Yes you are 50. So what? Mentally we are not much older than we were in our twenties. Please imagine being 55 or 60 and still waiting for this man. You have your faith, work on that, and gather your strength. It is very painful and we have covid and you feel isolated from your friends and family, so that hurts more. But the pain doesn't mean you are wrong about this decision.

Practically, make some plans with baby steps to getting back to your support base. Can you maybe move in with a good friend or relative for a bit if they have space?

Finally, Never Ever make all the compromises for a man who won't make much, if any, compromises for you.

You sound like a lovely warm woman I have every belief you'll find someone one else with a warm and more open heart. It's better to have someone with a full more flaws, who really respects, values and honours you than a man who appears to but doesn't. 1000 x better.

Thank you so much for this really wise and insightful post, it has really helped and I've re-read it a lot today. So many good points that I'd not considered

@CarCastle6289

I would suggest start planning asap

A move
A job
A holiday or holidays
Not necessarily in that order

Don't even look back
Hold your head up high !
There are many more adventures for you on the horizon

I think you have made the right choice to move on.

Just been on with my mum to arrange a staycation holiday in July with her! Maybe more of the family if it's allowed. Might only be in my mum's garden depending on how things go are going with Covid, but we've paid a deposit on a holiday let in her area but nearer the beach. Excited for that!

Great, you are already making new plans

Keep rolling

I just wanted to say another huge thank you to all of you who took the time to read and reply. It's been massively helpful and so reassuring that I've unanimously done the right thing!

I appreciate the heads up that the false promises could be ramped up in the coming days, I'd not considered that and will be careful.

We talked a bit more today as I wanted to know why OH had promised and not delivered and been future faking.... apparently it's because neither of us is emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually ready for marriage and neither of us is our "best self" and that won't be fixed by a ring on my finger.

He will not consider marriage until we are both our "best selves". This was described as being healthier, fitter, eating better, exercising more, waking up full of the joys of spring, being less tired, being closer with God, praying, fasting, and on and on and on the list of "best self" attributes went.

WTF??? I don't have much experience of a 'good' marriage, my parents' is shockingly dysfunctional and my own first marriage was emotionally (and financially and sexually 😢) abusive. Eventually it became physical and I couldn't move past that so ended things.

However, I'm pretty sure that the majority of happy couples often marry before acquiring the varied range of "best self" attributes don't they? And they have a perfectly happy relationship whilst both remaining blissfully imperfect themselves?

Isn't "best self" unattainable? A bit like "best life". No one can surely be on top form mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually ALL the time can they? I'm sure even Mother Theresa must have lost her shit at least once during peri- menopause??

It's just made me really, really cross. I'll clearly never, ever be able to reach this super-human level of excellence, so will never be good enough and he's clearly been aware of this for a very long time.

He could have told me years ago "I won't be considering marriage until we are both perfection personified" and I'd have been like, "....errr, ok, that's a bit much for me TBH, bye bye and best of luck with that..."

"Best self" FFS.

Just as a little aside I have fibromyalgia and was also diagnosed with chronic arthritis a year ago. I literally cannot physically attain "best self", some days my hands are so misshapen, stiff and swollen that I cannot make or drink a cup of tea, or do up a bra, or pick up my phone. Some days I cannot walk. Obviously this impacts on my emotional/mental state. I've watched my mum become wheelchair bound with the same arthritis.

I'm so fucking cross. If I call him out on this he'll just say that's not what he said. Well, it's what I heard matey.

Onwards and upwards...

OP your last post makes it 1000% clear that you've done the right thing.

You have plenty more years of fun ahead of you to enjoy.

Remember to be kind to yourself. Some people are very convincing, and sometimes it's because they themselves are very confused.

Glad to see you a bit more positive and making firm plans with people who matter OP 🌺

You did the right thing. I'm 50 and I would just rather be single, now that I have the clarity of actually properly being single, I understand that there is freedom there. But when I was about 44-46 I wasted time with this man who saw me as an older woman (he was two years younger) and he was in a relationship with me but would never call it a relationship. It totally messed with me. I cannot believe I was so stupid but he made it seem not personal so he manipulated me so successfully that I almost felt flattered that he was basically having a relationship with me 'against his principles' omg, what a head fuck. I am so glad he is history. I thought I loved him so much at the time. I am so glad it was me that called time on the bullshit. That did a lot for my self esteem although I was very sad to begin with. Now I'm single and happy and I am honestly much HAPPIER than I was when I was with him because I always felt so inadequate back then. He made me feel that way.
50 or not, or 60, or 70, I'll never let anybody mess me around again.