Ended relationship with commitment-phobe. Feeling heartbroken.

[JudiRuliani]

(I've NC for this so it's not linked to some other threads)

Ended a long-term relationship today with OH due to his commitment issues.

I know it's for the best, long-term, for me, but I am feeling really sad right now. He's my best friend, he's rejected me really and I've made major life decisions during our relationship because I thought we would marry and live happily ever after :(

It's nothing compared to some of the threads here, I know that, BUT I'm 50, out of work (thanks to Covid) and relocated 300 miles from family and friends for the 'happily ever after' and right now, I can't see how I'll ever be able to afford to move back. My adult DC are there, siblings, friends and elderly parents, so I'd like to move back. Feeling very alone and isolated.

We started out long-distance for the first year, then I moved closer to him. We'd discussed marriage a lot, and have a shared faith where marriage is the 'right' thing to do and it was something we both wanted. I had (stupidly I now realise) assumed it would happen quite quickly. We believed we were 'meant to be' and God had chosen us for each other.

Then the conversations about marriage stopped, talking about the future became a real issue. He always had an excuse that seems plausible - not been together long, too much uncertainty with work, etc and so talking about the future became a tense, argumentative subject. But we got on amazingly, had so much fun, I've never smiled so much and he was wonderful to me. Constantly telling me I was 'the one', amazing, love of his life. I'd listen to him telling other people this too and just thought one day he'd propose.

Whenever we argued about it and he got defensive there would be an apology, a reassurance that we would, he just needed more time, needed to make sure he'd be a good husband. We'd look at rings, discuss venues, agree to get his house ready to sell so we could get one together etc.

So I waited. And waited. And we never did get his house ready, there was always an excuse, or incredibly slow progress. Last summer one of my DC told me he'd asked them the previous Christmas if they'd be happy if we married as he was ready to propose. They were surprised nothing had come of it. I asked him about this and again he was defensive - he always looks terrified and panicked when the subject comes up. More excuses, but then also more carrots dangled in terms of discussing rings, telling me I'd be so surprised when he did propose and he was going to get it right.

Then comes Lockdown 1. We decided that even though it clashed with our faith we would spend it together and I moved into his house (but was still paying rent on mine and still am). We had a lovely spring and summer and I really thought that things would move forward.

I spoke recently about the future again, I explained I wasn't settled living in his house, I missed my own stuff and felt a bit like a lodger. Was it time for us to get a place together? Apparently not, why didn't I make it more like home, why did he have to lead on it? I replied that I can't just redecorate HIS house, and aren't we trying to get it ready to sell? Now is not a good time to sell according to him. And then the stinger "would it feel more like home if you owned half, is that what you're after?" So again, trying to discuss our future just descends into him getting angry.

And the same old excuses... why change what we're doing, we're happy so why rock the boat etc

Except I'm not happy. It's been a long time of waiting and deep down I know that if he really wanted to be married we would be. His actions speak far louder than his words. I've tried to reach the goalposts each time they've moved and just don't know what's so wrong with me. Friends have met and married in the time we've been together, why not us?

Anyway, I've decided to move back to my house and take it from there. I'm just so upset and feel so stupid for waiting, for falling for the compliments and feel both rejected and humiliated. I think maybe he love-bombed me at the start and it was so different to my previous (abusive) marriage and I naively fell for it. And he does treat me well BUT marriage is important to us both, we don't have a sexual relationship because we're trying to be 'right'. We did initially and then felt guilty so agreed together to abstain as much as possible, not always easy, but there were lots of kisses and cuddles so it's been ok, not amazing, and I do miss that and feel unattractive as a result. I guess he's not missing it as much/at all. I've fallen in to a habit of doing the wife work (cooking, cleaning, shopping) because I'm not working and feel guilty, but it's all the crap parts and none of the fun!

The whole situation has battered my self-esteem, I can't imagine ever trusting anyone again, I'm anxious about the future - I am at real risk of homelessness unless I find a job soon. And I guess i feel bitter that he promised the happily ever after and just hasn't bothered.

I'm now being told by him that I'm making a mistake, over-reacting and that we can be happy as we are, but I genuinely feel it's time to cut my losses and start afresh.

Sorry, this has been long, thank you for reading. Not sure what I'm looking for really - reassurance, encouragement? An alternative perspective? I'm terrified at the prospect of starting over again at 50, feels like the world belongs to a much younger generation and I've wasted a lot of years waiting to be good enough and still aren't.

Why would someone who professes to love me do this? And why have I become so embarrassingly pathetic?

You might share the same faith but you don’t share the same values.

He future faked you for so long because you desperately wanted the fairytale, to the point of ignoring the obvious signs that you were not on the same page.

@CatherineOfAragonsPomegranate Sat 20-Feb-21 09:57:23

"I mentally call him Rubber Band Man now. it's an intrinsic character flaw which has it's cause in factors that have nothing to do with you. It might be their relationship with their own mother, their sexuality, or some other factors in their past or some fear. Either way, they can't get past it to commit. But they lack the ability to put it into words. They even don't know why they are, the way they are, and are unaware themselves. They can have sterling attributes and treat you well in every other way, but if they 'keep back' a part of themselves, no matter how great you are, no matter how much you compromise, no matter how committed you are, or how much you love them, or how much you work on yourself to become 'wife material' it won't change them, move them or compel them.

Now, sometimes what happens is once you say 'goodbye' to these men and appear to be unbudgeable, one of two things happen:

1. They come running with promises and lots of love bombing and may even 'make the committment' aka, put the ring on the finger, buy the house, etc and you think you've got them, but you will gradually and painfully discover that you haven't. They will eventually withdraw back to not giving you all of themselves and resent you mentally in the process. Years later, you will get a nasty surprise when all this resentment that you knew nothing about comes out. Leaving you devastated.
2. They quickly move onto someone else and appear to commit to that person resulting in you feeling doubly rejected. But this is also a facade, it's an attempt to prove to themselves that you were wrong and they are not dysfunctional. The same problems will arise later down the line with this new person."

Thank you for this very wise post (I have edited it a bit). It so eloquently summarised my marriage (now long ended) in a few words. I learned later about love-bombing, but the mention of the resentment. That's what really blew me away during our divorce - the hidden, deep resentment. I wish I had stuck to my guns when I had doubts and said goodbye.

For Op - future faking - no doubt in my mind. You mention a previous abusive relationship. Future faking is also abusive. Do look at the Freedom Program. Sorry but this relationship isnt going anywhere.

@spongedog. Glad it provided some clarity and sorry for your experience. But hope things are better now. It has less to do you with you than you think, and it's their issue xx

He will not consider marriage until we are both our "best selves". This was described as being healthier, fitter, eating better, exercising more, waking up full of the joys of spring, being less tired, being closer with God, praying, fasting, and on and on and on the list of "best self" attributes went.

Urghhhhhhhhhhh

No one can surely be on top form mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually ALL the time can they?

No they can't, but how nice of him (NOT ...) to suggest you'd have to submit to some sort of scrutiny to assess whether you're fit to be a wife

Interesting too that his alleged faith is such a turnaround from his past. Sometimes converts can be the worst, and frankly this one sounds to have some very serious issues

Fortunately you've decided - quite rightly - that they don't have to be yours

I think it’s all about not wanting to share his assets and that’s why he was quite happy to carry on as you were. He clearly wants you in his life but due to the “stinger” comment, I reckon his property is the sticking point. THat’s what jumped out at me anyway.

The “best self” comments are just excuses as you know, as he can’t really say the truth can he?

It is cruel and selfish to string you along for so long though.
Think positive - at least you now know not to waste anymore time and move on without looking back. Easier said than done I know!

“Best self”??!! Ffs! What an arrogant and patronising twat.

You’ve dodged a bullet OP I’m certain of it. Onwards and upwards, head held high. You have integrity and courage. Be proud of yourself.

Hi OP - I wanted to say that I’m sorry tp hear that you are hurting and I think you have done the right thing.

I dont have words of advice but could have written your post, right down to the conservative religion and coming from an abusive marriage. It sucks doesnt it. If feels hard but there must be a way for us to value ourselves better.

Wishing you all the best, you will come out of this stronger

You have made the right decision. Stick to your guns. Stay strong and reach for your goal of moving close to the people who really value and love you x