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Dating a single dad ?

52 replies

rachmoo91 · 19/02/2021 19:46

Hi everyone,

So I’ve been dating a single dad for about 5/6 weeks. I don’t have any kids myself. There’s 5 years between us in age, and his child is 10 years old. We bubbled up pretty quick as, apart from his childcare bubble, we both live on our own. I have never dated someone with kids before so this is all new territory for me!

Although I do like him (aware it’s still early days), I keep getting told not to get involved with him by friends because of him being a father. They said it will just cause stress and I’ll never be a priority to him.

Apparently his relationship with his child’s mother is good (amicable) and there’s no drama so I wasn’t too worried about getting involved. They co parent too, so he has his kid 2-3 times a week and all he does is speak about her to me and has already stated asking for my opinion on things regarding her (which is think is mega cute, and tbh is a big reason why I’m attracted to him - he’s a good dad).

I wasn’t too worried about dating him to be honest as I’m quite chilled out and easy going, and to be honest we have spent a lot of time together since we first started speaking. However this past week I’ve hardly heard from him.

Normally I wouldn’t be too fussed about a break in communication (we’re adults, people have busy times in their life etc), but I guess with everyone telling me ‘this is what I mean’ ‘he won’t have time for you’ ‘you won’t be a priority’ ‘he’s probs still sleeping with his child’s mum’ etc has got me wondering a bit ... I actually feel ridiculous reading back what I’ve just written, but I’m just curious to hear from people who have been in a similar situation.

Can people who are childless and have dated single parents (currently dating or in the past) please let me know about your experiences ? Can it work ?

OP posts:
MaLarkinn · 20/02/2021 11:04

My partner was a single father and he's the best person I know. I can't believe some of these responses.

Cpl1586407 · 20/02/2021 11:12

It's only been six weeks...if he's not in touch for a whole week at this point then it sounds like he's losing interest.

Also why is it cute he asks you for parenting advice Confused

Friendsinneed · 20/02/2021 14:59

My dad met his wife when his children were 3 & 5. They are still together & chose not to have children. She was never a motherly figure to us. It all worked out with little drama. I think it is easier for a man with children to meet someone else & make it work.

The children don’t always come first, with regards to the small things. You can sometimes prioritise your partner. There is plenty of room to love your children & partner.
We used to ask our dad who do you love more & he would reply that it’s a different type of love, we accepted that.

If you stay with him & have a baby together she will be at a great age to bond with the baby.

It’s easy enough for anyone to send a quick text to check in though x

Tallybeebloom · 20/02/2021 15:09

Given that my DP already has kids (and I'm currently pregnant with our first together), I know it's totally possible to have a good relationship with someone who already has kids.

However, I wouldn't like not hearing from him. When I first got with DP, if he had his kids then I knew I would hear from him a lot less because he was busy with them. He would still send me odd messages though and would call every night once they were in bed. There was a clear pattern to it so it never worried me. If you're suddenly not hearing from him, including when he doesn't have his kids, I'd be wondering why. That doesn't necessarily mean it's might not something totally innocent but it's early days, I wouldn't jump in too deep too fast with my feelings here and if the poor communication continued I'd move on.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/02/2021 15:13

How old are you, op?

rawalpindithelabrador · 20/02/2021 15:20

Run like the wind! Go to the step parent board and read the threads there. Why would you want to even go there, develop feelings, make your life hard? Never understood why women do this. 9 times out of 10 there's a very good reason why the mother of their child ended the relationship. He's got baggage, you don't. Move on.

rawalpindithelabrador · 20/02/2021 15:24

@MaLarkinn

My partner was a single father and he's the best person I know. I can't believe some of these responses.
For every one of these blended/complicated relationships that people post are brilliant on MN, there's another 10 of them that are shit. Statistically they have less a chance of working out.
Calmate · 20/02/2021 16:09

@rachmoo91
His lack of contact may co-incide with school's half term.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/02/2021 16:22

[quote Calmate]@rachmoo91
His lack of contact may co-incide with school's half term.[/quote]
Yep, she gets that now. Still no excuse for not finding two minutes to send a message every few days.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/02/2021 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RodCrosby · 20/02/2021 16:47

I will probably get flamed for this but the following is true from my point of view as a male dating a female with children but could equally be applied to a single Dad.

I will give you my own personal take on it from experience of someone in their 30s who has been through it all.

If your a single guy with no kids then definetly do not date a single mum, you don't want to be playing step daddy role in your 20/30s when there are plenty of women out there who are child free and single and you can both go off care free and do what you want when you want with out having to arrange childcare.

You both will have different levels of freedoms/free time/ responsibilitys, their children will allways be number one and you will allways be second, you will have 7 child free nights each week, they may have one or two depending on childcare arrangements which you will need to organise your life around.

Believe me I have done it in the past, I'll give you some examples of what I mean and the hassle involved, if ever you try to arrange a mid week date, you have to wait for them to sort childcare out for their children, you get out have nice dinner then go have some drinks in a bar afterwards, things are going nicely, then they glance at their watch and are like it's half 8 I've got to go back and relieve the babysitter, put kids to bed get them ready for school in the morning, none of this staying out til late then going back to either one of your houses for some fun which is what dating is all about and what you would be able to do with someone who is child free.

Another common example is if they got their kids on weekends and you want to see them, you will have to spend the day down peppa pig world or some other child friendly place and then if you want to eat out you will have to go to places like the hungry horse and eat crap food whilst listening to their children running around screaming. It gets worse as they get older with stroppy attitude teenagers.

If You goto any special events and they bring their kids, your be the first ones leaving at 7pm when all of your friends will be having fun staying out with their partners having a few drinks enjoying the rest of the night.

I think it's fair to say that you will have alot more free time than someone who has got kids, do you really want to be waiting around not being able to see your partner because they have got to look after their kids, trust me you will get bored on weekends and all the week nights when you can't see them and you have the evening and weekends free to go out and do things and make memories together and they are not able to. You won't be able to just go out last minute for a meal out and stay out late, everything needs to be planned weeks in advance and even then you will only have a certain amount of time together.

If you want to goto festivals/night's out/birthdays/weddings /party's and they can't get childcare you will be expected to stay in with them or prepare to be branded selfish and be emotionally blackmailed into staying in on a Sat night with them and their children because they can't get childcare and it's not fair that you can go out and enjoy your self if they can't.

As for holidays, there won't be any last minute weekends/night's away or going away outside of summer holidays, you will be expected to go in the summer holidays to child family places like Butlins where it costs 4 times as much and crazy busy, no thankyou! Many blokes idea of hell!
Adult only places and activitys will be a thing of the past, no sitting around the pool for a quiet drink, or going exploring on adventure holidays.

Then there's usually the dramas with the exes and then it gets all complicated around Xmas and Birthdays ferrying kids from one house to the next to see their real Dads and Grandparents. Also how would you or your parents feel if you had to introduce your GF and her children to your parents for the first time, secretly they would not be impressed with your life decision and would wish for you to do much better.

Why invest all your time/money/effort into someone's else's kids. Trust me just find someone who is at the same life stage as yourself, not married, no kids, career e.t.c it will work out better long term, usually you will last the honeymoon period but after that the hassle/dramas/problems/lifestyle change will be the breaking point and you will have just wasted time in finding the right one for the long term, by all means if they are fit then treat them as a bit of fun but don't be getting involved you will only regret it at a later date.

If you have any ambitions of moving somewhere new or starting a life up somewhere else, forget it they won't be able to uproot their children and family ties for your wants.

Then there's the embarrassment of introducing her and her children to your parents for the first time, especially if your siblings have got their own biological children and you've picked up somebody else's kids, They won't tell you they are ashamed of you, but know that they are.

You will allways be second in the relationship, their children will allways come first, so you will treat her as your number one priority but unfortunately she will treat you second and you will be the one making the sacrifices in your lifestyle to accommodate.

Long term you will have to likely give up your hobbys to take there children to swimming lessons/scouts/brownies/football/school and wait around and pick them up if they are busy, if you can't/won't you will be emotionally blackmailed as you will be into deep by that time and will be obliged to help out with their children so not to cause any resentment towards yourself. It starts off as a once off favour and then a year later your doing it every week.

Also don't be duped on dating websites like tinder/bumble e.t.c when they say they are not looking for a step dad for their kids because they allready have a dad, that's all good and that but what happens in say 5 years time when you both want to live together, are their children going to live elsewhere or are you going to be living with some underage lodgers that you have absolutely no control over in your house because your not a step dad. There's a good reason why 90% of the women on there are single Mums, nobody wants anything to do with that whole situation.

Then there's the problem of if they need benefits in order to survive, if you ever move in together and you earn even a modest amount they will loose all their benefit entitlements because it is assessed on household income, so if they receive housing allowance, child benefits, child tax credits, working tax credits, reduced/no council tax, free childcare, free school meals e.t.c you will have to pay for it all which can be between £1000 - £1700 a month in situations I have been in as their take home from there partr time job is likely to be hardly anything.

rawalpindithelabrador · 20/02/2021 17:11

No flaming from me, Rod. I agree.

All too often, with men who have kids, they're looking for someone young and single to act in loco parentis to their kids. Most were ditched for a very good reason, usually laziness, a sexpest, a loser.

DieZensur · 20/02/2021 17:21

It can work. But I wouldn't recommend it on the whole.

I'm assuming you're still quite young, OP, if you think it's 'cute' that you are being consulted about the child in question. That being the case, you still have plenty of time to find a man who doesn't have children already.

There are plenty of nice men out there who don't come with baggage - and an ex-partner with whom someone shares a child is always baggage, even if they are on good terms.

Plus even easy children are hard work. Less easy children, or ones with additional needs, are even harder work. The thing that sometimes keeps you going is knowing that they are genetically yours.

Given that you still have choices and it would seem that time isn't yet running out, drop this one!

EL8888 · 20/02/2021 17:38

Naaah it sounds like a lot of effort to me. I wouldn’t date someone with children, l am more than willing to make sacrifices for my own children but lm not willing for others. As an aside lm always amused when people say they have no time to send a message, when it literally takes a minute or so to do it

rawalpindithelabrador · 20/02/2021 17:39

so he has his kid 2-3 times a week and all he does is speak about her to me and has already stated asking for my opinion on things regarding her (which is think is mega cute, and tbh is a big reason why I’m attracted to him - he’s a good dad).

It's not mega cute. He's her parent, he has no business trying to get parenting advice from you so early on, smacks of a man who wants someone else to parent his child, which is not unusual with these men.

'He's a good dad'. Gawd, that old chestnut. Funny how no one ever says 'She's a good mum'.

Ntwa · 20/02/2021 18:06

@rachmoo91 it's not something I could do. My children are grown up now and I'm too selfish to go through it all again.
@rodcrosby I laughed (and cried a little) at your post. I've recently ended a LTR with a guy whose last relationship was like how you've listed. Has been with me whose flexible and as he said hugely refreshing but things haven't worked. Makes me sad I'm a good catch but?!

EL8888 · 20/02/2021 18:53

@RodCrosby yeah that’s the kind of thing l mean

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/02/2021 19:03

@rawalpindithelabrador

so he has his kid 2-3 times a week and all he does is speak about her to me and has already stated asking for my opinion on things regarding her (which is think is mega cute, and tbh is a big reason why I’m attracted to him - he’s a good dad).

It's not mega cute. He's her parent, he has no business trying to get parenting advice from you so early on, smacks of a man who wants someone else to parent his child, which is not unusual with these men.

'He's a good dad'. Gawd, that old chestnut. Funny how no one ever says 'She's a good mum'.

True - I've literally never heard anyone describe a woman as a 'hands on mum' as it's just expected rather than applauded. See also 'babysitting' used to pat a man on the back for parenting his own kids for an evening... ugh.
mummyof2lou · 20/02/2021 19:08

@rodcrosby Wow, you sound like just the immature sort of man I would want NOWHERE near my kids! Bit of advice, don't go around treating single mums (that you seem to have such little regard for) as 'a bit of fun'. It's an entirely shitty thing to do. They will have already gone through more than you can imagine, without your attitude adding to their problems

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/02/2021 19:22

FYI @RodCrosby if the following is really the case, your family are just absolute pricks...

Then there's the embarrassment of introducing her and her children to your parents for the first time, especially if your siblings have got their own biological children and you've picked up somebody else's kids, They won't tell you they are ashamed of you, but know that they are.

SandyY2K · 20/02/2021 20:51

I think much of what Rob has said is true tbh and could apply to either gender. I realise it's not what a single parent wants to hear.

It does also depend on:

the age of the children.
If there is a good relationship between the parents.
How well they coparent
The parenting style of your partner
The financial situation of your partner

I've advised my DC not to have a relationship with anyone with kids. They're both in University atm. Relationships are complicated enough without the added baggage.

If you have kids with them, you may find your partner resentful that your parents don't treat their kids, the same as their biological grandchildren...in terms of money spent on them...sleepovers etc.

It can work out, but when you have age on your side and lots of other things going for you, I would advise my friends against it.

rawalpindithelabrador · 20/02/2021 20:56

I do, too, Sandy.

MrsWindass · 20/02/2021 20:57

@rachmoo91

Hi everyone,

So I’ve been dating a single dad for about 5/6 weeks. I don’t have any kids myself. There’s 5 years between us in age, and his child is 10 years old. We bubbled up pretty quick as, apart from his childcare bubble, we both live on our own. I have never dated someone with kids before so this is all new territory for me!

Although I do like him (aware it’s still early days), I keep getting told not to get involved with him by friends because of him being a father. They said it will just cause stress and I’ll never be a priority to him.

Apparently his relationship with his child’s mother is good (amicable) and there’s no drama so I wasn’t too worried about getting involved. They co parent too, so he has his kid 2-3 times a week and all he does is speak about her to me and has already stated asking for my opinion on things regarding her (which is think is mega cute, and tbh is a big reason why I’m attracted to him - he’s a good dad).

I wasn’t too worried about dating him to be honest as I’m quite chilled out and easy going, and to be honest we have spent a lot of time together since we first started speaking. However this past week I’ve hardly heard from him.

Normally I wouldn’t be too fussed about a break in communication (we’re adults, people have busy times in their life etc), but I guess with everyone telling me ‘this is what I mean’ ‘he won’t have time for you’ ‘you won’t be a priority’ ‘he’s probs still sleeping with his child’s mum’ etc has got me wondering a bit ... I actually feel ridiculous reading back what I’ve just written, but I’m just curious to hear from people who have been in a similar situation.

Can people who are childless and have dated single parents (currently dating or in the past) please let me know about your experiences ? Can it work ?

They co parent too, so he has his kid 2-3 times a week and all he does is speak about her to me and has already stated asking for my opinion on things regarding her (which is think is mega cute, and tbh is a big reason why I’m attracted to him - he’s a good dad)

No - asking your 5 /6 week gf for opinions on your child is not "mega cute ". Confused

rawalpindithelabrador · 20/02/2021 21:14

No - asking your 5 /6 week gf for opinions on your child is not "mega cute ". confused

Yep, bet her doesn't talk nonstop about her and ask opinions to and from his male mates. But now we all know parenting is naturally right up any woman's street Hmm. He's about as cute as a rotting fish. Nothing attractive about a guy who does this a few dates in.

CaramelPops · 20/02/2021 21:32

It’s half term - maybe that’s why he’s not messaged you. I wouldn’t date someone with kids if I didn’t have my own. Not worth the hassle. Just my humble opinion.

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