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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating a single dad ?

52 replies

rachmoo91 · 19/02/2021 19:46

Hi everyone,

So I’ve been dating a single dad for about 5/6 weeks. I don’t have any kids myself. There’s 5 years between us in age, and his child is 10 years old. We bubbled up pretty quick as, apart from his childcare bubble, we both live on our own. I have never dated someone with kids before so this is all new territory for me!

Although I do like him (aware it’s still early days), I keep getting told not to get involved with him by friends because of him being a father. They said it will just cause stress and I’ll never be a priority to him.

Apparently his relationship with his child’s mother is good (amicable) and there’s no drama so I wasn’t too worried about getting involved. They co parent too, so he has his kid 2-3 times a week and all he does is speak about her to me and has already stated asking for my opinion on things regarding her (which is think is mega cute, and tbh is a big reason why I’m attracted to him - he’s a good dad).

I wasn’t too worried about dating him to be honest as I’m quite chilled out and easy going, and to be honest we have spent a lot of time together since we first started speaking. However this past week I’ve hardly heard from him.

Normally I wouldn’t be too fussed about a break in communication (we’re adults, people have busy times in their life etc), but I guess with everyone telling me ‘this is what I mean’ ‘he won’t have time for you’ ‘you won’t be a priority’ ‘he’s probs still sleeping with his child’s mum’ etc has got me wondering a bit ... I actually feel ridiculous reading back what I’ve just written, but I’m just curious to hear from people who have been in a similar situation.

Can people who are childless and have dated single parents (currently dating or in the past) please let me know about your experiences ? Can it work ?

OP posts:
seensome · 19/02/2021 20:00

Him hardly contacting you is more worrying than being a parent, people will give you their judgments without even knowing him, parents are capable of dating and not neglecting the relationship, there is no excuse of not keeping in touch and that nothing to do with being a parent.

BooFuckingHoo2 · 19/02/2021 20:19

Do you want kids of your own OP? I personally wouldn’t date a man with children as I’d like my own and I think blended families can be very problematic.

That aside, the major red flag here is the fact you r hardly heard from him all week. Sorry to say but it sounds like he’s losing interest.

Original poster
rachmoo91 · 19/02/2021 20:36

Thanks both for your replies - safe to say I’m not shocked by your thoughts on this. It’s quite out of character, and he literally stopped out of nowhere (he text asking how my morning had been, I replied, then nothing. Phoned later that day as we usually chat on the phone every evening and it just rang out. Haven’t heard anything since. Totally out of character for him).

I know he had a really bad week ahead at work, and he was dreading it. But regardless, guess I’ll start to back off and get on with things.

@BooFuckingHoo2 and yes, I’d love to have kids one day.

OP posts:
Dontknownow86 · 19/02/2021 20:45

I'm a step mum and being honest if I could do it again I wouldn't. It's not just 'you won't be a priority', your whole life will become dictated by the schedule he determines with his ex, you'll struggle to go on holidays. You'll end up doing a lot of grunt work and get minimal appreciation for it. People have some really horrible attitudes about step mum's and that's also quite painful. If you aren't emotionally attached and are undecided at this point I would walk away.

Missingthebridegene · 19/02/2021 20:54

I really care about my step children but still wish I didn't have them x my advice would always be to stay clear! Saying that, just one kid aged ten (if things are ok with ex) is pretty straight forward I'd say x

BooFuckingHoo2 · 19/02/2021 21:02

@rachmoo91

Thanks both for your replies - safe to say I’m not shocked by your thoughts on this. It’s quite out of character, and he literally stopped out of nowhere (he text asking how my morning had been, I replied, then nothing. Phoned later that day as we usually chat on the phone every evening and it just rang out. Haven’t heard anything since. Totally out of character for him).

I know he had a really bad week ahead at work, and he was dreading it. But regardless, guess I’ll start to back off and get on with things.

@BooFuckingHoo2 and yes, I’d love to have kids one day.

I completely understand, I’m the same and at my age most men already have children.

I’ve been phased out seemingly out of nowhere a few times so try not to take it personally Flowers

I do stand by my comment from before though, blended families are really hard and I’ve heard several instances where men massively prioritise the “first” family and the second wife is almost on the periphery. Worth bearing in mind for next time Cake

Febo24 · 19/02/2021 21:12

I presume it's half term where you are though? Is it not just the case that it's been a week with a different routine and things to do?

Original poster
rachmoo91 · 19/02/2021 21:13

Thank you everyone, your replies are much appreciated Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
rachmoo91 · 19/02/2021 21:14

@Febo24 Honestly I had totally forgot about half term if I’m honest ! It might well could be the case, I guess I’ll have no idea unless he gets in touch with me again.

OP posts:
Febo24 · 19/02/2021 21:20

I'm a single mum and co parent, I have honestly not known what day it is for most of the week! Perhaps a communication issue, but it does illustrate the point that parenting is a lot of work and he might struggle to or not realise that he needs to keep you in the loop too.

Pebbledashery · 19/02/2021 21:26

I would just be cautious.. There are lots of successful blended and step families.. But you will have to accept if he is a good father.. His child will always come first. Always.
I'm a single parent and I'm not going to be dating any time in the near future.. But if I was.. They'd have to be exceptionally special for me to invite them into my daughters life.. And they will need to accept that she will always come first..
Thats what you have to contend with.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/02/2021 21:29

Have any of your friends been step parents? The stuff that you say “everyone” is suggesting is bizarre.

Why is he asking a girlfriend of 6 weeks for advice about his child? I’m not sure I’d see that as cute. And he may be a good dad but you don’t have a clue at this point. How did you meet?

There’s a thread on the step parenting board on here about whether people would do it again. Worth a look.

The stuff about how you’ll never be a priority depends entirely on the type of man and parent you’re dating. It’s absolutely not inevitable but for a lot of divorced dads the guilt of not being with their kids full time means they can tend towards poor boundaries and wanting to be the good guy all the time. That’s not inevitable either but something to watch out for.

One of the prevailing narratives around this topic is that a good dad means always putting a partner last. It’s a really unhelpful one.

But in your case, if he’s barely been in touch for a week, it’s because of half term but he assumed you knew or didn’t bother to tell you, it might be true and, as said above, you can do better than being someone’s option when they’re your priority.

If you want to be a mum, unless you’ve got loads of fertile years ahead of you, I’d think twice about being with someone who’s been a dad for a decade and might not want to do it again.

LouJ85 · 19/02/2021 21:31

@Dontknownow86

I'm a step mum and being honest if I could do it again I wouldn't. It's not just 'you won't be a priority', your whole life will become dictated by the schedule he determines with his ex, you'll struggle to go on holidays. You'll end up doing a lot of grunt work and get minimal appreciation for it. People have some really horrible attitudes about step mum's and that's also quite painful. If you aren't emotionally attached and are undecided at this point I would walk away.

Just to give an alternative perspective on this. My partner has 2 kids and honestly, whilst it's been challenging at times (mostly in the beginning), it's worked out fine, which it massively down to him and the fact that he actually takes responsibility for parenting his own children and doesn't expect me to do the donkey work (I wouldn't have done it - I'd have walked away if he'd put that on me). So yes, some men put this expectation on their partners, but some don't. It depends which one your partner would be...

LouJ85 · 19/02/2021 21:42

*The stuff about how you’ll never be a priority depends entirely on the type of man and parent you’re dating. It’s absolutely not inevitable but for a lot of divorced dads the guilt of not being with their kids full time means they can tend towards poor boundaries and wanting to be the good guy all the time. That’s not inevitable either but something to watch out for.

One of the prevailing narratives around this topic is that a good dad means always putting a partner last. It’s a really unhelpful one.*

Yep. All of this.

Givemeabreak88 · 19/02/2021 21:46

I would absolutely not date someone with kids and I say that as someone with 4. I realise that’s unreasonable of me so I’m staying single!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/02/2021 22:50

What's he asking you for parenting advice about and why is that cute?

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 19/02/2021 23:02

I have a child

I still manage to message and speak with my OH

LTB

chipsandgin · 19/02/2021 23:15

It’s a harder path to choose than being in a relationship with someone without kids.

As an adult with a step-dad who never wanted kids, didn’t/doesn’t like us very much but gave our narcissistic mother the adoring audience she wanted, contrasted with my incredible step-mum who has been more of a Mum to me than my own and who makes no distinction between her own kids or grandchildren & us/our kids & who I would go to the ends of the earth for....I’d say it depends!

If you are willing to acknowledge it’ll be tough, to love his child as if she were your own (within reason), even when you have your own & to accept that him putting his child first, ahead of you, makes him a good man not a bad partner then go for it - you’ll be a great step-parent.

If not (& really think this through, because there is a small human involved who didn’t choose this shit) then move on & make a family with someone who doesn’t have the baggage because it takes a pretty special person to take it on & do it properly.

Wanderlusto · 19/02/2021 23:21

I dont think one ten year old is a big deal.
The mother is still around too (THAT might end up being the actual problem, depending on their relationship) so itll be what, 50/50 custody. I day if theres no other issues then go for it.

Lampan · 19/02/2021 23:41

Regardless of him having a kid or not, nobody is too busy to send a few messages to someone they are dating.
A good dating lesson (that I have learned the hard way): once you start having to make excuses for them to explain poor behaviour, it’s not a good sign. Yes he may have had a busy week but is that honestly a good enough reason for you to hardly hear from him?
Of course it can work dating men with kids but in my experience it’s not as straightforward as dating someone without. Obviously the older you get the more likely that men you date will have kids.

katy1213 · 19/02/2021 23:48

I wouldn't want to be landed with somebody else's teenager - and you've timed it just right for that!

mummyof2lou · 20/02/2021 06:23

Him not contacting you seems the bigger concern. It's half term but why can't he call one evening or drop a text.

That aside, my DD is ten, my husband and I are separating, and these responses sadden me. My DD would bring so much love and happiness into anyone's life. I'd hate any future girlfriends of my ex to feel like this about her.

If you want children of your own one day, you might as well get used to not being a priority.

BooFuckingHoo2 · 20/02/2021 07:36

That aside, my DD is ten, my husband and I are separating, and these responses sadden me. My DD would bring so much love and happiness into anyone's life. I'd hate any future girlfriends of my ex to feel like this about her.

Of course you think she’d bring love and happiness - she’s your daughter, but sadly that’s not always the case. Besides, even if she’s the world’s most charming and delightful child, the new girlfriend will still have to put up with the fact she won’t come first and that can cause problems.

mummyof2lou · 20/02/2021 07:58

@BooFuckingHoo2 I think that's my point though, as soon as children are involved, their own or step children, you're never first priority anyway. Not even in your own life, let alone anyone elses. So if being a priority is important, best no kids at all

BooFuckingHoo2 · 20/02/2021 10:51

[quote mummyof2lou]@BooFuckingHoo2 I think that's my point though, as soon as children are involved, their own or step children, you're never first priority anyway. Not even in your own life, let alone anyone elses. So if being a priority is important, best no kids at all[/quote]
I think it’s an entirely different scenario when it’s your own children you had a hand in creating Confused. Surely you can see that?

Besides, in a nuclear family the needs/wants of the mother and kids are often similar and parallel so it’s much less obvious where the “priorities” lie. This is not the case with step children.