Co sleeping at 10

[Rainydayss]

Help! I've had 8 years of it now and even the mention of her own bed brings her anxiety. Night times are torture, thrashing around in anger (lockdown plus hormones!) Whilst demanding I don't leave the bed after she's asleep. I'm exhausted, desperately need my own space in bed and even (unlikely) ask my DP to stay over. I only ever go to his because of this reason.
Tips needed!

Hey op. You won't like my suggestion. I didn't have any of the nightmares, hormonal issues from my child. I just wanted them out if my bed. One night I just locked my bedroom door and that was it. Done

I wouldn't lock her out!

What causes the anxiety? Is she getting any help?

Can you decorate her room and get her to choose a nice new duvet cover etc? Put some pretty fairy lights in her room to make it look nice?

It's got to be cold turkey! At 10 they are old enough to understand that you both need your own space. You need to sit down and have a proper chat about it.

Why are you but dealing with the anxiety? Why haven't you asked GP for a referral re the anxiety, years ago?

Where does DD sleep when you go to your DP's? Does she co-sleep with whoever's looking after her?

Have you tried bribery? A quid for every night she sleeps in her own room (this works a treat with my autistic DS).

If your 10yr old is too anxious to sleep alone, and has been so for years, you seriously need to get her some help. GP, school, private referral if possible. This is a mental illness, not a kid being difficult, and it's your job as her parent to get her the help she needs, rather than cutting off her coping mechanisms.

My DC was 5 so may not suit you but.... I did the whole going down for 10 minutes, checking back from door, then 20, then until they were asleep. I also explained that I needed grown up time and that it meant I would be downstairs drinking a cup of tea. And that grown up time is really important for my health.

I still get a little speech about how sad they feel. But I just say that they are safe, get them to choose their cuddly, I put on some ocean sounds, then say goodnight and leave.

I dont need to do the checks now. It's a partial success cos they come through to my room in the middle of the night. But at least I get to lie down in bed alone to get to sleep. I'm sure one day theyll stay put!

Well I say anxiety but she's got herself into such a stew about it. I'm well aware of dealing with anxiety, however children also can manipulate parents very subtlety, especially with regards to sharing a bed.
My ex DH also has to co sleep when he has her. We're both working together to sort a plan, although lockdown and additional stress doesn't feel the best time.

I think you can push back on aspects of this, kindly, by asserting your boundaries. Whether that is that she falls asleep in her own room with you lying beside her for a while (limited) but can come in to your room if she wakes, or whether it is you insisting that you will leave and be elsewhere after she’s asleep - you decide.

It is unreasonable to be held hostage to her desires at 10. It’s not unreasonable to have your own need for space and time. However there’s something at the root of the anxiety and you need to understand it and deal with it.

If you stay at your boyfriend’s, I assume she’s with her dad those nights? What’s the sleeping situation there?

Doesn’t sound like cold turkey is an option. Could you move her bed or mattress into your room so she’s there with you but you have your own space and can reassure her but be firm. At least you can try and get some sleep that way while you work out what’s for the best.

Well, if you think she's just being manipulative, stop letting her sleep in your bed. But be aware that if there is an underlying issue, you could do a lot of damage.

This sort of behaviour isn't normal for a well-adjusted preteen. I would be seeking additional support to make sure you handle the transition properly, tbh.

When she's at her dad's he sleeps in her bed. Not sure if he leaves in the middle of night to go to his own.
He's obviously desperate to sort it too so need same strategy for both houses

Yes that's my concern that there's underlying issues. Who is best for initial support? Gp or therapist?

I would also go down the bribery route because this may shift her focus and break the cycle (I.e. she’ll realise it’s not so bad after all). Maybe tell her that every night she’s slept in her own bed she gets a treat in the morning and if she makes it a whole week she gets a present that she really wants?

Is it every night? We had a year of dd needing to sleep with me - we gradually weaned her down from every night to just weekday nights then Monday to Wednesday and then Mondays
It was due to intense anxiety caused by multiple family bereavements in a short space of time

GP can give you a referral to a therapist, but CAMHS waiting lists are miles long. Can you afford to go private?

TBH the GP may be able to advise you themselves.

Has she always been an anxious sleeper or was there a trigger point (you and her father splitting etc)?

One of my DC finds it hard to fall asleep, still prolongs the final goodnight, sometimes struggles to fall asleep. Isn’t great in unfamiliar surroundings or even just stuff like camping in the living room. Needs familiarity and security.m, but once asleep is out for count.

Other DC much more likely to wake & come in at night for cuddling/closeness. Doesn’t have same struggles with falling asleep or unfamiliar places.

So they need different approaches and you need to understand exactly what her anxiety is around.

DS was disturbing us multiple times a night and we’ve just started the goodnight worry program by the O’Gradys. So far so good. His sleep is hugely improved and he isn’t stressed or anxious

Wizzywig and Saffire are on to it! This is a habit, a want not a need exhibited by your daughter. A bit of tough love is the way to go I think.

This situation isn’t going to alter until you alter it. Good luck.

How tired is she? How long does it take her to fall asleep? Does she expect you to go to bed with her?

Hmm I’m a soft touch then. Mine have additional needs part of which includes anxiety so I just bought a much bigger bed and we all co sleep. It’s fine. And one day they won’t want to do that.

My son co slept until ages 10. Then he just stopped .
I didn’t mind as I knew that one day he would grow out of it naturally.

Do you know what might be causing the anxiety? My dd has done this a lot over the years, normally when other stresses going on in her life. The most recent was in lockdown one when she was back to doing it for a short while, she was 13 then. She doesn't do it now as she is less anxious. I would say you need to get to the root of the anxiety. Perhaps a call to the gp, I did that about her anxiety in lockdown one and it helped a little, even just to focus her own mind that it was an issue. We also got the calm app and she often still listens to sleep stories on that, it helps. Sorry, that was all a bit ramble, bit of insomnia myself tonight, but good luck.

Can you start with maybe suggesting she sleeps with you on a weekend night as a treat & wean it down? Pick her new bedding together and explain that from now on you’re only sleeping together on a Saturday treat night or something. It’s a habit that needs breaking. My ss is 10 & obsessed with sleeping with Dh. I put a stop to it and said you can have a cuddle with dad then go to your own bed. Sometimes he pushes his luck, but I’m the one that says “night” quite firmly and make him go back into his bed.