Co sleeping at 10

[Rainydayss]

Help! I've had 8 years of it now and even the mention of her own bed brings her anxiety. Night times are torture, thrashing around in anger (lockdown plus hormones!) Whilst demanding I don't leave the bed after she's asleep. I'm exhausted, desperately need my own space in bed and even (unlikely) ask my DP to stay over. I only ever go to his because of this reason.
Tips needed!

I have 4dc and coslept with them all. Have just managed to get the younger 2 (6&9) to sleep in their own room in the summer, by paying them 50p each time they fell asleep by themselves and 50p for sleeping in their own beds all night. Worked like a charm and my evenings are my own again!

My eldest dc slept in our bed for some stage of every night until he was almost 13. We tried everything with him, threats, bribery etc and nothing worked. He needed the closeness and reassurance at night. He saw a clinical psychologist aged 8 just before he had an operation for a medical condition, and her opinion on the cosleeping was that he would just grow out of it, which he did.

So different kids require different approaches.

The only thing that strikes me about your dd is whether she’s worried about you and her dad having new partners and that’s why she’s clinging to the night time bed sharing (however subconsciously).

Does the curriculum still have 10 year olds go on a trip away from home for the night? I remember going to Isle of Wight for a week with school in year 6 - I think it was so we could learn how to be more independent and less anxious (not sure if it was a national thing)

She’s probably used to getting her way on this issue, which means you are going to have prepare for a power struggle for leaving it so long. Talk to your DD and involve her in the solution but make it very clear that co sleeping will end.

Make incremental changes with the goal her bedtime begins and ends in her room. She will kick off because the behaviour is so deeply ingrained.

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Oh gosh op. I totally sympathise. My daughter and I have co slept since she was a baby.
She was an awful sleeper and would wake so much during the night. It was impossible to keep waking and then go to
Work the next day so I caved and just let her sleep in with me.
She’s 5 and half now and I finally got her sleeping in her own bed about 4 weeks ago. I realise it’s prob easier with a 5 year old than a 10, but we prepped her for a while before it happened.

I moved her brother from the larger room into the smaller bedroom as he has less stuff than her. I told her she would be moving into the bigger bedroom when we finally did it up.
It took a while for us to get the bedroom done up but I got her involved by asking what “theme” she would like... what colour paint on the walls, what type of bed etc. We got her to “help” make the bedroom look nice, she “helped” with the painting etc. She asked for a colour changing bulb and an Alexa, so i got them for her. I bigged it up for a while. I also explained how it would look to other girls in her class if they came over for a sleepover and saw she still slept in her mammys bed.

I’d get the odd cry saying she’d miss me, doesn’t want to, she’d be scared. But I told her on no uncertain terms it would be happening. 4 weeks ago we finally got her cabin bed put together and finished her room.

I had tears the first night but I stayed with her until she was sleeping. She keeps her light on the low pink setting all night. She came in around 1am the first night, but after that she slept all the way through and it’s been easier than expected. She came in last night for the second time around 11:30. On the whole she’s been really good.

It was easier than I thought but I was prepared to go hardcore and keep putting her back to bed kicking and screaming because I don’t think it’s right for her to still be in with me.

Think you just need to get her bedroom all nice and prepare her for a few weeks beforehand and just tell her it’s happening snd not take any nonsense.
Is it really anxiety or is it just manipulating behaviour? If you think it’s the first then I would see someone, if it’s the second then go hardcore and take no nonsense.

Maybe try keeping the hallway light on and their bedroom door open a little.

Think you need to see a child psychologist. Could you go private?

I would start with twin beds tbh.

Go back to the very beginning. How did this actually start? I have a feeling it may not have been the child who had a need to co sleep in the beginning. Why weren't they put in their own bed as a toddler? I'm sure she wasn't demanding to co sleep as a baby so somewhere along the line this must have suited your own needs as much as hers. Maybe you've made a rod for your own back and that's the root of the problem. Even with all the suggestions you are still reluctant to put a stop to it and making excuses about not being able to do it because of stress fron lock down. This clearly suits you and you don't really want it to stop. Just get on with it today or live with it for the rest of your life, hey by 16 she might even have a boyfriend then you can all co sleep together. Won't that be fun?

My eldest had terrible anxiety at night then at 8 started to co sleep and things were much better. Eventually he just grew out of it and went back to sleeping in his own room (he was older than 10 by then). He does still have anxiety about other things but not sleeping!

Can you explain that at 10 yrs old she needs to be able to sleep in her own room & that if we cannot achieve that by X date then we need to see a doctor to discuss your concerns or worries. This cannot continue...your poor ex, how will he feel with puberty on the horizon...it's not healthy. Anxiety in a 10 yr old is very worrisome...if it is that & not manipulation. Maybe the mention of a doctor might lead to a better effort to break it...if she just can't do it the go ahead with an appointment & referral to child psychologist or sleep specialist, whichever is needed...

I had this with my son until he was almost 13. In the end I gave him a date that he had to go into his own bed (we were moving and I told him the day we moved was the day this stopped). He was ok, created for maybe the first night and then was fine. Can you give her a target date, keep reminding her so she has time to get used to it and then just stand firm .