Co sleeping at 10

[Rainydayss]

Help! I've had 8 years of it now and even the mention of her own bed brings her anxiety. Night times are torture, thrashing around in anger (lockdown plus hormones!) Whilst demanding I don't leave the bed after she's asleep. I'm exhausted, desperately need my own space in bed and even (unlikely) ask my DP to stay over. I only ever go to his because of this reason.
Tips needed!

I was a really anxious kid over sleeping as well. I used to worry about not being able to sleep, and of course that meant it kicked off a cycle that my worrying about not sleeping was preventing me sleeping. I just hated being alone and worrying, it was really scary. I used to go in to my mum a lot, and my poor dad would have to carry me into my own bed when he was heading up himself.

It got better when I was 11 and my dad asked me what was the worst that could happen if I couldn’t sleep? I was like “Errrr?” and he pointed out that I’d just be a bit tired the next day, the sky wasn’t going to fall in.

That, along with being encouraged to read in bed before lights out was the key to getting me able to settle myself. I’ll still not great at switching off at night and still think about what dad said now I’m in my 30s!

She needs an outlet for her anxieties- is she able to express why she finds bedtime so tough?

Is you think she's just being manipulative then I think you have to go hard core. Pick a date and tell her now she's growing up blah blah blah. Does she want to pick some things for her room. If she cries etc you comfort and say you know it's hard but you can do this together. Don't offer to back down.
On the night she gets stories / cuddles etc and you'll stay till she's asleep if she tries to sleep / 30 minutes.

Every time she comes to your room, take her back to hers. No conversation. If she has a tantrum not is safe , sit outside and wait

If she is mature enough, explain that she's getting too old to sleep in with you and her dad and you all need privacy.
But you really need to address the anxiety if that's the root cause.

If you have gone this long I suspect there are no easy answers. I would definitely give her a newly decorated bedroom that she helped design. Make sure her bed is super comfortable and her room is a place she wants to be. Then draw a line under going to bed when she does. She can sleep anywhere at first but you refuse to go to bed at the same time. Then maybe try asking her to start the night in her bed but always allowing her to move to yours if needed. I honestly think things will change when she starts high school. Kids very quickly want to be seen as grown up. They would be mortified if their friends find out they're co-sleeping.

My dd was a terrible slept from day one. She was at school when she started sleeping through the night. Then we had her in a routine etc. Sadly my relationship ends and her father moved out.

Her sleep was all over the place and she wanted to be close to me. And vice versa.

I'm unpicking it now she is older. We sat down and wrote a contract. And we are doing alternative nights. And she can get up once for a cuddly. So she has to use it wisely. This is working well so far. Good luck. I know how exhausted you must feel

She’s 10 ffs, set rules. Tell her she’s sleeping in her own bed and that’s the end of that. You’re the one in charge, not her.

Is it mental health and anxiety

Or

It is it manipulation /habit

That’s the thing. I’d talk to your local children’s services and see what early help/interventions they can offer. You can get Camhs referrals through them too. Also pastoral support at school.

@FetchezLaVache our autistic 12 year old daughter has been sleeping in our room on a foldout since the start of lockdown. After buying fleecy bedding she now occasionally sleeps in her own bed but the majority of the time she is in our room. I am going to try bribing! Thanks for the tip- will try anything, it’s like sleeping next to a washing machine

Buy a blow up bed and put it by the side of her bed. Sleep in there till she gets used to sleeping in her own bed.

I actually had to do this when I evacuated Dd3.

I’d ask her to write down just words about how she feels about bedtime ( anything she feels) then go through them and address them and keep it hung up so she can see it . At night time when it starts talk through that you’ve addressed the worries and continue to do so but just because she has the worries/ anxiety doesn’t mean that she can’t do it. I did this so my son couldn’t then find other stuff if you know what I mean? Sometimes it’s very hard when you know how they’re feeling but also you need there space. Honestly try it. It helped my son like a visible aid that he could see I was addressing it but both knew it had too change . Also ask her anything she wants other then sleeping with you as an option. Not occasionally it’s finished and no longer happening x

I would go along with the idea of making her own bedroom a secure haven for her. Let her choose wallpaper, lighting, curtains, bedding, furniture if you can afford it (or look at Facebook and Freecycle sites), encourage her to organise her favourite things, and then you have to be firm. She sleeps in her own bed, your bed is not an option. Discuss this with her dad so you are both on the same page.

I had a similar situation with my daughter. She was terrified of being attacked in bed (and had many other anxieties/phobias) I went to the GP and they basically said - you are the parent, you sort it out, she should be in her own room so make her do it.

In the end I did tell her she wasn't sleeping in my bed anymore and if she had to come in she would have to sleep on the floor. Which she did for over a year! Then she went to secondary school and realised she didn't want to anymore and then went in her own room. She's 14 now and is always in her room.

This REALLY isn’t normal for a 10 year old

Ah op I was exactly like this . I slept with my mother until my teens ! I had severe anxiety about not sleeping with her . My dad had to sleep in my bed . I did try to stay on my own but always after an hour go back in . If this was me I wouldn't put up with it it's not healthy at all . I'm in my 30s now and still when my partner works away I get in such a mess about bed !

This REALLY isn’t normal for a 10 year old

It is ENTIRELY normal for a 10 year old with anxiety.

I’m afraid you won’t like my advice , you made a rod for your own back leaving it far too long . Even 5 is ridiculous but 10 .
Sorry I know not helpful and I get that your tired but the long and short of it is you are going to have to be tough . If you insist every night she’s stays in her bed and really insist eventually she will.
Her anxiety is because it’s what she has always done and you are refusing to make her stay her room . All parents have battled with bedtime routine some are better than others but most have kicked off at staying in their own bed at one time or another but because those parents have stood firm it’s worked .
Just stay with her and less and less each time , you will have tears and it will be exhausting but you have left it far too long . She’s never going to be able to stay over at friends nor are you it’s madness . So toughen up and do it , do not weaken and good luck .

If she is really anxious see your GP.

Otherwise I would set a date when she will start sleeping in her own room, if you can afford it have her choose some new things, plan with her what the routine will be - will you chat to her or read her a story etc.

On D day, every time she comes into your room, take her back, kiss her and leave. Might take 3 nights but would think that will do it. If you think it won’t then professional help.

Where is this big old book of what's normal and what's not? No one gave me a copy when i had my babies.

Reading your OP I'd say that being brutal and cutting her off is not the way to go. I like the idea of discussing and making and agreement, easing into it.

Life is hard at the moment though, so if you think you can hold on for a bit longer, then maybe let her settle back into school or whatever the next change is before making a change at home?

I have the same thing with my 11 year old daughter. She has ASD and extreme anxiety. The tough love option would simply not work. If I get up in the night to go to the loo she will wake up too. I have resigned myself to the fact that she will grow out of it. It is tough as you dont have a moment to yourself x

In this situation I would put a single in my room until she can manage that. This would massive improve your sleep

Yes to all the suggestions above - mattress on floor in your room to begin with and when she is in her bed promising that you will return to check on her after your shower , or whatever.

Also, could she listen to a calming audiobook or a nice podcast? That's been great for getting my DC to stay put and drift off.

@LemonadeFromLemons

I would also go down the bribery route because this may shift her focus and break the cycle (I.e. she’ll realise it’s not so bad after all). Maybe tell her that every night she’s slept in her own bed she gets a treat in the morning and if she makes it a whole week she gets a present that she really wants?

The psychologist my eldest boy is seeing, asd and anxiety, actually said that rewarding the behaviour you want is a good strategy for children. They need concrete and immediate rewards. Children's brains are still developing, they have a strong connection between emotion and behaviour, often without the intervening negative thoughts an adult would have.

We're doing cbt (cognitive behaviour therapy) with her, but it's very different to how cbt is done with adults. CBT for adults is about changing thoughts to change behaviour. With my DS7 we're taking small steps which have concrete rewards, to change behaviour and that change in behaviour is supposed to flow through and reduce the underlying anxiety. It's a slow process but it's helping with his anxiety.

The steps would need to be much smaller than this though. If the change is too big the amount of anxiety produced would be counter productive. My sons psychologist said we needed to find a step that was about a 3 or 4 on the anxiety scale. They're very small steps. I saw our GP first, spoke to her without my son there so the conversation wouldn't distress him and she agreed he was suffering anxiety and referred him for counselling.

@Febo24

Where is this big old book of what's normal and what's not? No one gave me a copy when i had my babies.

Reading your OP I'd say that being brutal and cutting her off is not the way to go. I like the idea of discussing and making and agreement, easing into it.

Life is hard at the moment though, so if you think you can hold on for a bit longer, then maybe let her settle back into school or whatever the next change is before making a change at home?

Agree with this - lockdown probably a bad time to tackle this!

I don't think brutal approach will help anyone at this time.

@MintyMabel

This REALLY isn’t normal for a 10 year old

It is ENTIRELY normal for a 10 year old with anxiety.

It's REALLY not normal for a 10 year old to have such anxiety that they need to co-sleep every night

It's REALLY not normal for a 10 year old to have such anxiety that they need to co-sleep every night

This sort of comment is so unhelpful. It isn't desirable or to be left unattended, but it is 'normal' in the sense that some children do have anxiety which means they need to co-sleep every night.