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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cutting MIL out of our lives, she can’t understand why!

51 replies

JamesMcAvoyswife · 18/02/2021 15:52

A childhood and teenage friend of OH started going off the rails a few years ago, my OH decided to cut all contact as he was presenting quite dangerous (he’d even attempted to kick our door in for money and claimed it wasn’t him).

He got put into prison a couple of years ago for some heinous crimes. Attempted murder, threats to rape and some more disgusting things. He’s been given 21 years in prison and has recently made attempts to contact all old friends etc and even message my DH (on SM). Well my DH told him to fuck off and blocked him. Anyway MIL has him as a friend, so I asked her about this and she’s said that she’s messaging him asking how he’s getting on and hopes he’s ok etc! We’re absolutely livid. He’s a disgusting piece of shit and has very probably been giving this thing information about us. I have tried to explain the crimes he has been convicted of and her reply was that he’s doing his time etc. He put a lot of people thru living hell including my OH and our family. We’ve made it clear we won’t have anything to do with her If she carries on contact yet she’s still got him as a friend etc , liking his pics. We’ve decided to cut her off. She’s baffled and can’t understand why? I feel like this isn’t real , she’s such a weirdo!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 18/02/2021 15:57

How the hell is he on social media if he's in prison? Is that a really naive question?

UggerlyMummy · 18/02/2021 16:00

How the hell is he on social media if he's in prison? Is that a really naive question?

Apparently it’s v common for prisoners to have smartphones even though they’re not allowed them.

JackieWeaverhastheauthority · 18/02/2021 16:01

I don't think UK prisoners are allowed to access SM? Try exporting to the authorities, that should limit it.
www.gov.uk/staying-in-touch-with-someone-in-prison/email-and-social-media

JackieWeaverhastheauthority · 18/02/2021 16:01

Reporting, not exporting

AlternativePerspective · 18/02/2021 16:06

I would report his social media use to the authorities.

But tbh I think you’re unreasonable to demand that your MIL cut contact with him or you will cut contact with her.

There’s no question that the crimes he committed were vile, but the man is in prison serving a sentence for that, and plenty of people do believe in restorative justice rather than punitive justice alone.

You don’t have to have contact with him. But your MIL can, and shouldn’t be given ultimatums as a result. After all, the man is in prison. It’s not as if she is inviting him round to babysit your kids.

Moondust001 · 18/02/2021 16:16

@AlternativePerspective

I would report his social media use to the authorities.

But tbh I think you’re unreasonable to demand that your MIL cut contact with him or you will cut contact with her.

There’s no question that the crimes he committed were vile, but the man is in prison serving a sentence for that, and plenty of people do believe in restorative justice rather than punitive justice alone.

You don’t have to have contact with him. But your MIL can, and shouldn’t be given ultimatums as a result. After all, the man is in prison. It’s not as if she is inviting him round to babysit your kids.

I agree. One has to hope that what serves for justice in this country works, even in the face of failure. People can and do change, but they can't if nobody will let them. You aren't required to like him or have contact with him. That doesn't make you a bad person. But if your mother in law wants to have contact, that doesn't make her a bad person either.

I think she has a right to be baffled - you are being unreasonable.

Dontbeme · 18/02/2021 16:17

You don’t have to have contact with him. But your MIL can, and shouldn’t be given ultimatums as a result

And if MIL is passing on personal info about the OP and the OP family to this guy then what? What kind of pals is he likely to have in prison, not the types you would want at your kids birthday parties I would say. Why take the risk, what is MIL getting out of this contact OP? Is she a supportive forgiving type or the type that loves having her fingers in the drama and gossip?

Original poster
JamesMcAvoyswife · 18/02/2021 16:20

I wouldn’t have contact with anyone that threatened my son, his wife and children all for money for drugs.

OP posts:
Original poster
JamesMcAvoyswife · 18/02/2021 16:21

He’s. Also been to prison several time’s before this and hasn’t ‘reformed’

OP posts:
Original poster
JamesMcAvoyswife · 18/02/2021 16:25

@Dontbeme

You don’t have to have contact with him. But your MIL can, and shouldn’t be given ultimatums as a result

And if MIL is passing on personal info about the OP and the OP family to this guy then what? What kind of pals is he likely to have in prison, not the types you would want at your kids birthday parties I would say. Why take the risk, what is MIL getting out of this contact OP? Is she a supportive forgiving type or the type that loves having her fingers in the drama and gossip?

She’s very unforgiving. She’s got grudges with people for far less. There were rumours about them having a fling before.
OP posts:
Original poster
JamesMcAvoyswife · 18/02/2021 16:34

It took her 10 years to forgive my husbands dad for cheating, she wouldn’t even look at him before.

OP posts:
ooohbriefcase · 18/02/2021 16:38

"Attempted murder, threats to rape and some more disgusting things. He’s been given 21 years in prison"

I wouldn't think much or bother with anyone who had contact with a person like this. Family or not.

Angeldust2810 · 18/02/2021 16:41

YANBU. My auntie gave the telephone number of her sister to her son who was in prison so he could call her there whilst she was visiting. The family was livid at the thought yet she had no concept of why this was wrong. You are right to cut contact if that means your MIL does not have any information about you to potentially pass on.

Original poster
JamesMcAvoyswife · 18/02/2021 16:45

@ooohbriefcase

"Attempted murder, threats to rape and some more disgusting things. He’s been given 21 years in prison"

I wouldn't think much or bother with anyone who had contact with a person like this. Family or not.

They’re also not the worst of his crimes too. Obviously I can’t go into much detail, I think if I did everyone that’s saying I am being unreasonable would soon change their mind. These attacks were also very random!
OP posts:
Moondust001 · 18/02/2021 16:46

@JamesMcAvoyswife

I wouldn’t have contact with anyone that threatened my son, his wife and children all for money for drugs.
And you have made it clear you won't have contact with him. You are being required to.

And if MIL is passing on personal info about the OP and the OP family to this guy then what?

Any evidence of that happening? No.

But it seems there is a bigger back story here and that MIL just isn't liked, full stop. OP, if you don't want her to have any contact with you, your husband and her grandchild then fine - but be honest that it clearly has much more to do with not liking her than anything else.

Moondust001 · 18/02/2021 16:47

You are being required to - should read you are not being required to.

Original poster
JamesMcAvoyswife · 18/02/2021 16:49

That is actually completely wrong! I am taking this so harshly because I was extremely close to her and she knows what he put us through! I’ve looked at her like a mother, we’ve done a lot of things on our own together and She was always the first person I’d go to for advice!

OP posts:
Original poster
JamesMcAvoyswife · 18/02/2021 16:51

In fact, I was closer to her than my own mother. This isn’t about me not ‘liking’ her. That’s extremely childish. This is about not wanting a man that ruined our lives and plenty of other peoples knowing our business. She has pictures of our kids and places we’ve been etc all over her Facebook. Some of these posts he has liked!

OP posts:
RomeWasBuiltInADay · 18/02/2021 17:10

Will it not be even harder then if you cut contact with her? Will that not add to the stress?

You can't control what she does or who she see's but maybe an idea is to really minimise all contact, whilst still being in some contact. Try to keep her out of all of your personal stuff, limited profile if she's on your social media, everything and be clear that this is to protect your family's privacy. Tell her nothing. That might give her a flavour of how things would be if you did go all the way with no contact.

Original poster
JamesMcAvoyswife · 18/02/2021 17:12

@RomeWasBuiltInADay

Will it not be even harder then if you cut contact with her? Will that not add to the stress?

You can't control what she does or who she see's but maybe an idea is to really minimise all contact, whilst still being in some contact. Try to keep her out of all of your personal stuff, limited profile if she's on your social media, everything and be clear that this is to protect your family's privacy. Tell her nothing. That might give her a flavour of how things would be if you did go all the way with no contact.

Yes that’s a good idea and I will definitely take this on board! X
OP posts:
PandemicAtTheDisco · 18/02/2021 17:13

My mother befriended the two sisters that made 4 years of secondary school hell. They had a very bad home environment and she wanted to help them. She heard what they'd been through and wanted to support them.

I had told her how they had hurt me at school but she excused them because of their home life. She felt I needed to forgive them and feel sorry for them. They sucked up to her and I believe enjoyed me being upset about it. They seemed to want mothering from her and resented me for having what they saw as a good mother.

My response was not to react to them and stay away. I had told my mother how I felt and then left them to it. I got on with my life. They stuck around for a few years then lost interest.

PatchworkElmer · 18/02/2021 17:51

Honestly, I know it must hurt, but I think it’s an overreaction to ‘cut her out’ because of this. Maybe she believes in rehabilitation?

What is reasonable is making it clear that you don’t want to hear about him, and he’s not to share information about you with him. Ask her to stop posting information about you and your DF on her profile. Stop tagging her in family activities. Explain that this is because you don’t want him seeing it. If she doesn’t respect your boundaries and passes information on, then I think it’d be reasonable to consider limiting contact/ going NC.

PatchworkElmer · 18/02/2021 17:51

^ that should be “you and your DC”

funnylittlefloozie · 18/02/2021 18:24

Prisoners are absolutely not allowed access to social media, please report this to the prison. You can also make a non-contact request to the prison, to stop him adding your phone numbers to his phone account. If he is contacting your family from an illicit mobile phone, please keep reporting it to the prison and to the police. Illicit mobile phones are a blight on prisons,they threaten the safety of everyone.

Suagar · 18/02/2021 18:27

She sounds like a very forgiving or naive or an easily manipulated person but my goodness, your DH cutting off contact with his own mother for THAT is so extreme ShockConfused

She's going to talk to this guy anyway whether you cut her off or not. If he's in prison for the next 18 years or so, then what on earth is the big deal?? ConfusedJust limit any very personal info you tell her if it bothers you.

If one of you was the person he tried to kill and she is betraying you by striking a friendship or leaking info to him that puts you at risk then I would understand cutting contact. Youre both making a mountain out a molehill.

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