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Original poster

Cutting MIL out of our lives, she can’t understand why!

51 replies

JamesMcAvoyswife · 18/02/2021 15:52

A childhood and teenage friend of OH started going off the rails a few years ago, my OH decided to cut all contact as he was presenting quite dangerous (he’d even attempted to kick our door in for money and claimed it wasn’t him).

He got put into prison a couple of years ago for some heinous crimes. Attempted murder, threats to rape and some more disgusting things. He’s been given 21 years in prison and has recently made attempts to contact all old friends etc and even message my DH (on SM). Well my DH told him to fuck off and blocked him. Anyway MIL has him as a friend, so I asked her about this and she’s said that she’s messaging him asking how he’s getting on and hopes he’s ok etc! We’re absolutely livid. He’s a disgusting piece of shit and has very probably been giving this thing information about us. I have tried to explain the crimes he has been convicted of and her reply was that he’s doing his time etc. He put a lot of people thru living hell including my OH and our family. We’ve made it clear we won’t have anything to do with her If she carries on contact yet she’s still got him as a friend etc , liking his pics. We’ve decided to cut her off. She’s baffled and can’t understand why? I feel like this isn’t real , she’s such a weirdo!

OP posts:
LetsSplashMummy · 18/02/2021 18:48

This could be a sign that MIL is feeling lonely and a bit starved of company. I'd work with her to make sure she shares appropriately on SM, show her how to make sure he doesn't see everything she posts or anything about you. That's a compromise. Hopefully it'll all just fade away.

I would report his SM use to the prison, and not tell her that it was you.

Don't get into an argument about who she's allowed to talk to, nobody will come out of that well. It's also quite controlling to use love and the grandkids to get people to do what you want. I understand why you've pulled out the bigs guns, but love shouldn't be used as a weapon.

Maybe a little chat that she hasn't been in touch with any disgraced Nigerian Monarchs who need her help to get at their millions might be worth having as well!

itallworkedouthorribly · 18/02/2021 18:54

I would definitely block her on all social media.

A person who pursues a relationship with someone like this is just odd and they shouldn't be surprised if it affects how people see them in the context of being around children.

You clearly need to cut the offender out of your life and can't really do that when he's got this link to you-he will be able to recognize your kids and you'll never know what he knows about you. He could be out and about in a relatively short time, before your children are grown. He could also prove dangerous to your MIL and you would be expected to be involved. He's also got access to all his mates, clearly, even while inside.

I can see why you'd lay down an ultimatum.

MotherExtraordinaire · 18/02/2021 19:00

@JamesMcAvoyswife

In fact, I was closer to her than my own mother. This isn’t about me not ‘liking’ her. That’s extremely childish. This is about not wanting a man that ruined our lives and plenty of other peoples knowing our business. She has pictures of our kids and places we’ve been etc all over her Facebook. Some of these posts he has liked!
Who she's friends with on SM really is her business and you have no right to dictate.

She may have dubious histories with cheaters, but again her business.

If anything , you're complicit in this man continuing to break the law and should be reporting this to the prison service that he is in and the police.

RHTawneyonabus · 18/02/2021 19:07

Sure if she was passing on info about you I could see an argument for cutting her off (although assume she will still know where you live even then so not sure ho wit will help)

However if that isn’t the case you are cutting her off because you don’t accept she’s able to make her own decision here and you are using the threat of not seeing you to blackmail her into obeying your wishes. Doesn’t sound great.

31RooCambon · 18/02/2021 19:12

I would block her on fb, but I guess, whatever scumbags she wants to chat to, that's her business. Strange she wants to, I agree.

AnotherKrampus · 18/02/2021 19:31

Some truly odd responses. Of course, it is fully understandable that both OP and her DH are upset and disgusted by MIL keeping in touch with someone that threatened serious harm and caused such horrendous threat to their family. This is massively disloyal and raises huge safe-keeping concerns. What parent in the world would remain in touch and be a supportive friend to someone that threatened to rape a member of their family or other forms of extreme violence! Yes, MIL can be friends with whoever she choses but this comes at the direct expense of her son and DIL then she will have to bloody accept that they will go totally NC over such a complete betrayal. I would block her on all areas of communication and cease any contact, especially with the DC.

Original poster
JamesMcAvoyswife · 18/02/2021 19:37

I haven’t said I’d cut contact with her and the dc and it was actually my OHs idea in the first place, this man has done some vile things to us, like stabbing my OH (this was obv when their contact stopped). She saw the stabbing as banter on a night out, oh didn’t and has a big scar on his leg to show for it.

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 18/02/2021 19:47

He definitely shouldn't have a phone in prison. I'm surprised he finding it possible to regularly use Social Media without being caught.

Report his phone use to the prison he is in. If the phone is found it will be removed. He also won't be able to get a new one for quite a while as, assuming he is in a uk prison, no visits and allowed now due to Coronavirus.

Opentooffers · 18/02/2021 19:53

Keep the contact cut, until she is able to chose your welfare over his - odd choice she is making, I agree. Maybe she doesn't quite believe that you will go that far, so you'll have to show her.

AnExcellentWalker · 18/02/2021 20:01

He sounds vile. I wouldn't blame you at all, your MIL is prioritising a friendship with someone who stabbed her own son, threatened & terrified all of you. He's an habitual reoffender & any thoughts of restorative justice, rehabilitating him etc, seem rather pointless given his latest behaviour. I wonder how she would feel if he'd attacked her, probably she wouldn't be nearly as forgiving.

MarmedukeDuke · 18/02/2021 20:02

@funnylittlefloozie

Prisoners are absolutely not allowed access to social media, please report this to the prison. You can also make a non-contact request to the prison, to stop him adding your phone numbers to his phone account. If he is contacting your family from an illicit mobile phone, please keep reporting it to the prison and to the police. Illicit mobile phones are a blight on prisons,they threaten the safety of everyone.
Have you never seen any prison tik tok? There's loads of it.
RomeWasBuiltInADay · 18/02/2021 22:11

@funnylittlefloozie

Prisoners are absolutely not allowed access to social media, please report this to the prison. You can also make a non-contact request to the prison, to stop him adding your phone numbers to his phone account. If he is contacting your family from an illicit mobile phone, please keep reporting it to the prison and to the police. Illicit mobile phones are a blight on prisons,they threaten the safety of everyone.
Prisoners , here in Scotland, now have mobiles.
TheFoz · 18/02/2021 22:15

My DM never liked my ExH, and then she started having him in regularly to the house for tea when he would be picking up our child there on an access day. She even went as far as telling my daughter to lie to me about it. My daughter would only have been about 8 at the time. Completely unforgivable behaviour imo.
You are completely in the right to cut contact, if she fails to see why that is not your problem.

OhCaptain · 18/02/2021 22:25

@JamesMcAvoyswife

I haven’t said I’d cut contact with her and the dc and it was actually my OHs idea in the first place, this man has done some vile things to us, like stabbing my OH (this was obv when their contact stopped). She saw the stabbing as banter on a night out, oh didn’t and has a big scar on his leg to show for it.
Wtf??

It’s not right that she’s so invested in a man who did this to her son.

You can’t really make the decision about cutting contact, I think that’s ultimately up to your husband. And you should support him.

But I would 100% block her from all social media. Without hesitation.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 19/02/2021 01:29

I totally understand how you feel. My DD2's ex threatened to cut my dogs' heads off, plant drugs in my home and report me so I would lose custody of my son, and burn my house down. He was jailed for eight years for attempted murder (another victim, not me) but managed to get phones in prison and send text messages. Also made friends with men being released and gave them my address/phone number to call.
If your mil has passed on any information you and your family could be in danger. If it were me I would block her from all social media AND go no contact.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 19/02/2021 04:10

@JamesMcAvoyswife

In fact, I was closer to her than my own mother. This isn’t about me not ‘liking’ her. That’s extremely childish. This is about not wanting a man that ruined our lives and plenty of other peoples knowing our business. She has pictures of our kids and places we’ve been etc all over her Facebook. Some of these posts he has liked!
If you know for a fact he is accessing SM, you have a duty to report this, the only thing I will say is his family could be updating his accounts, if not report him.
Smallonesaremorejuicy · 19/02/2021 05:09

Oh my goodness, I am shocked that a prisoner could have a smart phone ! On any documentaries I’ve seen or dramas they have tiny little mobiles that they insert up their bottom , can’t imagine a smart phone fitting, but who knows. He needs to be reported though as he could be intimidating women again .

Enlighten100 · 19/02/2021 06:42

Wow so he stabbed your dh and she has excused this. He is absolutely right to be cutting contact with her. Anyway I would think someone who has been to prison many times and now serving 21 years is someone I would have nothing to do with

goochface · 19/02/2021 06:50

Prisons obviously don't care about inmates having mobile phones. You can by signal blockers and also block, 3G, 4G etc

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 19/02/2021 07:23

Good grief, a man who is in prison for issuing rape threats is the last person who should have access to SM! I would definitely report this.

And I would ban your MIL from taking any photos of any of you, and restrict what she can see on your SM.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 19/02/2021 07:30

Actually, I agree with your OH: no contact.

Bloody hell, if someone stabbed my Ds I would have to be held back. I wouldn’t be cosying up to them on SM.

She sounds deluded and under some sort of heroic saviour fantasy and enjoying the drama / attention.

Report his SM use and steer well clear of her.

Whichnamepls · 19/02/2021 11:01

Regarding the SM angle, I knew a woman who had a prisoner penpal - he got her to manage his Facebook account for him. She used to message people as instructed by him and try and keep contact going on his behalf. So perhaps it's not him directly accessing SM.

JingsMahBucket · 19/02/2021 11:13

Some of these earlier responses were really weird and naïve. Even if the guy is in prison, he probably has contacts on the outside who can act on his directions and the information the MIL is supplying him.

Before completely cutting her off, I would start by limiting her access to your social media. You can change the settings on FB to exclude just one person when posting even though you’re still friends with them. I have this for someone who is friends with one of my crazy exes. MIL then won’t see any your posts going forward. Then limit your privacy to be Friends Only, not Friends of Friends. Block the offender on FB as well. Lock down your Instagram account so it’s not public, etc.

I would then start asking her if she’s lonely and see if you can start helping her arrange different outings with friends. The key thing is to divert her attention away from this guy and back to her real friends. There’s some kind of itch he’s scratching for her in terms of “special attention” he’s giving her. Get her friends to help you so something special for her, etc.

Please definitely report the offender to the prison system as well.

stealthninjamum · 19/02/2021 11:18

Wow surprised at some of the responses. Rapists and murderers don’t get twenty one years, he must’ve done some awful stuff. Op I would support you and your oh going no contact with anyone in touch with this man.

Original poster
JamesMcAvoyswife · 19/02/2021 16:11

I have reported anonymously to the police.

OP posts:
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