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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What do you do when you know you're being gaslighted?

54 replies

PandoraIadoreya · 18/02/2021 14:53

I know my husband does this. He's just done it again. It wasn't even anything major. He told me the boiler man was coming to service the boiler. We have a weird house layout with two boilers and a hot water tank. The boiler he said they'd service is at the end of an upstairs bit. This morning he moved the chair that usually goes next to it. Opened the window by it.
I go upstairs to find them bybthe airing cupboard where the hot water tank is. Everything from the airing cupboard is now on the floor. I would OBVIOUSLY have moved this myself had I known they'd need access.
I said "what are they doing there? It was the boiler they came to do?"
He then exclaimed "No, it's the hot water tank I told you this morning". He then came in to where I was sitting later and reiterated it. I just thought : why not just say "I must have got it wrong it was the tank". But instead he made out like I had misremembered. If so, why had he moved the chair by the boiler and not emptied the airing cupboard?!
He is ALWAYS doing stuff like that over similarly minor things, occasionally on bigger things. I ended up turning my back away from him and pretending to check my email.
What the hell?!

OP posts:

StroppyTop · 18/02/2021 15:05

He sounds like a twat.

Why does a hot water tank need servicing?

Original poster

PandoraIadoreya · 18/02/2021 15:14

No idea why a hot water tank needs servicing. But our house is full of "quirky" bodge jobs.

OP posts:

Original poster

PandoraIadoreya · 18/02/2021 18:05

Hopeful bump

OP posts:

baileys6904 · 18/02/2021 18:14

And the back story is...?

Canitbemagic · 18/02/2021 18:23

Call him out on it - every time. And draw a line in the sand. You keep doing this - examples include today x that you did today. You made me look off in front of a guest in our home. You can make mistakes and apologise without me thinking less of you. You are gaslighting and it is abuse -so you either apologise and stop doing this or you and I will finish.

Else put up with it.

category12 · 18/02/2021 18:33

Leave him.

It's emotional abuse and really bad for your mental health.

Original poster

PandoraIadoreya · 18/02/2021 18:36

Not sure what's meant by back story. We've been together since I was 16 and he was 26. Four children. Is that it?

OP posts:

user141635812632 · 18/02/2021 18:44

Oh excellent another predator

Adult man grooms 16 year old child is a pretty major backstory.

cataclysmiclife · 18/02/2021 18:45

Just what @Canitbemagic said

Bananalanacake · 18/02/2021 18:52

How would he react if you gave him an uninterested, oh yeah hmmm, every time he does it.

Arrivederla · 18/02/2021 18:58

A 26 year old man has a relationship with a 16 year old girl?! Do you not see what's wrong here op?

Original poster

PandoraIadoreya · 18/02/2021 19:19

Well, it's a bit late now as I'm 42...

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 18/02/2021 19:31

So he's 52, if it's a recent thing, he might just not be able to accept that his memory may be failing, so prefers to see it as you are wrong. If he's always been like this, that's why he groomed a 16 year old as they are more likely to put up with it as they revere his maturity

category12 · 18/02/2021 19:33

How do you feel about your relationship presently? It's all you've known your entire adult life. Are you happy generally?

Are there other emotionally abusive behaviours alongside the gaslighting?

31RooCambon · 18/02/2021 19:36

I think my mother does it. Not consciously but she needs me to validate and verify her self perception. so if I ever challenge her, eg, please do not let yourself in to my house when I'm not here. or please do not call me paranoid. Any small boundary I try to defend, she will throw herself up on the cross, so hurt that I told her she had hurt me
The narrative is '''you've hurt me so much'' (by telling her that she hurt me).

I know she has gas lit me my whole life without even being aware of what she's doing.

I had a very shaky sense of myself until about ten years ago.

HelenUrth · 18/02/2021 20:17

31Roo I get the same, told: You've hurt me terribly when I've tried to explain how her behaviour is hurtful to me. Or she may tell me I'm too sensitive.

Thankfully I don't live with her! OP, I pull my mother up on this every time but she still does it. If I had to live with her, like you do with your partner, I think I'd have her under the patio by now.

Trickyboy · 18/02/2021 21:38

I think OP that you are going to be found to have an abusive relationship OP - despite 4 kids and a 26 year marriage.. no one can just have a DH whose being a tit on MN - he must always be abusive.. I can see the clutched pearls in my minds eye at the very thought of 16 and 26.. but they haven't worked out that at some point you were 27 and 37 .. 22 and 32 ... really people get over yourselves. NOT EVERY DAMN THING IS ABUSE.. this obsession with calling it so just diminishes actual abuse.
Most marriages go through periods of less than perfection . It doesn't mean you have to race to the divorce courts for fear of losing your 'independent woman '. credentials.

It's just means he's being a tit. Tell him to stop or see his doctor about his bizarre actions. Then get on with your lives. Everybody lives.

I swear to got MN will never be happy until every woman has divorced and every child spends 30 % of their weekend being carted around the country for insignificant 'time ' with their other parent - whilst woman get to 'have it all'... all the hard boring childcare , housework, work full time and now home school ... woohoo ... sign me up for some of that !!

Or ...

Not. Work a bit harder making relationships work - within reason .. and stop sweating the small stuff.

wewereliars · 18/02/2021 22:04

Trickyboy someone distorting reality is not something that is "within reason". I am not sure what point you are making, plenty of women in relationships get to do it all because their partners won't do their fair share. No one should stay in a relationship that's making them unhappy, whether that's because of small stuff or otherwise.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/02/2021 23:18

@Trickyboy

I think OP that you are going to be found to have an abusive relationship OP - despite 4 kids and a 26 year marriage.. no one can just have a DH whose being a tit on MN - he must always be abusive.. I can see the clutched pearls in my minds eye at the very thought of 16 and 26.. but they haven't worked out that at some point you were 27 and 37 .. 22 and 32 ... really people get over yourselves. NOT EVERY DAMN THING IS ABUSE.. this obsession with calling it so just diminishes actual abuse. Most marriages go through periods of less than perfection . It doesn't mean you have to race to the divorce courts for fear of losing your 'independent woman '. credentials.

It's just means he's being a tit. Tell him to stop or see his doctor about his bizarre actions. Then get on with your lives. Everybody lives.

Or ...

Not. Work a bit harder making relationships work - within reason .. and stop sweating the small stuff.

Did you miss this bit?

He is ALWAYS doing stuff like that over similarly minor things, occasionally on bigger things. I ended up turning my back away from him and pretending to check my email.

And while they've been together a long time, a 26 year old man starting a relationship with someone too young to even vote or drink is indicative of a man who enjoys having more power and influence in a relationship rather than one on an equal footing.

Quite frankly, most well adjusted 26 year old men wouldn't consider dating a 16 year old. So it's relevant to the type of person he is fundamentally and the relationship dynamic he sought out.

Gaslighting is essentially lying to someone's face in order to make them question whether what they know to be true is in fact false. If you think thats a minor niggle then your relationship boundaries and expectations are really skewed and I feel bad for you for that.

billy1966 · 18/02/2021 23:35

Only a very dodgy man would date a child of 16.
Him being 10 years older than you when you were 16 is seriously grim.

And if a man of 10 years older than my teenage daughter's came near them, the police would be involved.

Absolutely grim.

There is a type of man in his 20's that pursue young teens and they are perverts as far as I'm concerned.

It sounds like he is an awful twat.
God help you that you obviously didn't have a decent responsible adult to protect you from such a predator.

Wishing you strength OP.
God help you.

Onthedunes · 18/02/2021 23:39

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I agree, it's about looking at the bigger picture and looking at the very essence of this man.
No mother would enjoy her daughter being involved with someone ten years older when they are only sixteen.
It speaks volumes about his character.

Starseed2021 · 19/02/2021 01:15

But our house is full of "quirky" bodge jobs

Are you not capable of organising to get the jobs done property yourself?????
Looks like he groomed you to tolerate his bullshit and abusive ways.........

BananaPop2020 · 19/02/2021 01:34

There are warning flags all over this post.

AgentJohnson · 19/02/2021 07:36

Firstly you need to accept that this is, then you can decide if this a dealbreaker but wringing your hands expecting him to be someone different is a waste of your time.

RosesAndHellebores · 19/02/2021 07:45

Could you write down a note of jobs like boiler servicing and reiterate it back to him so there's no doubt. Is he generally imprecise and sloppy about what's required.

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