What do you do when you know you're being gaslighted?

[PandoraIadoreya]

I know my husband does this. He's just done it again. It wasn't even anything major. He told me the boiler man was coming to service the boiler. We have a weird house layout with two boilers and a hot water tank. The boiler he said they'd service is at the end of an upstairs bit. This morning he moved the chair that usually goes next to it. Opened the window by it.
I go upstairs to find them bybthe airing cupboard where the hot water tank is. Everything from the airing cupboard is now on the floor. I would OBVIOUSLY have moved this myself had I known they'd need access.
I said "what are they doing there? It was the boiler they came to do?"
He then exclaimed "No, it's the hot water tank I told you this morning". He then came in to where I was sitting later and reiterated it. I just thought : why not just say "I must have got it wrong it was the tank". But instead he made out like I had misremembered. If so, why had he moved the chair by the boiler and not emptied the airing cupboard?!
He is ALWAYS doing stuff like that over similarly minor things, occasionally on bigger things. I ended up turning my back away from him and pretending to check my email.
What the hell?!

It's never too late to leave an abuser.

Some people men really don't like it when women share their wisdom and experience.

12th rule of misogyny: Women’s ability to recognize male behavior patterns is misandry. Etc.

OP, from the little you've shared here there are reasons for concern. You've started a thread because you recognise that, too.

OP, my DH has form for serious gas lighting. It took me a long time to understand what on earth was going on as he would deny things had factually occurred in front of my eyes, rather than just saying “Oh, yes, my mistake”. We’d end up having huge rows as I’d call him out on his BS and I was just utterly incredulous at the nonsense that was coming out of his mouth.

Unfortunately both his parents do this too x 1000 and so I can see he has been emotionally abused his whole life and it’s just inherited behaviour. We are no contact with them as a result of how bad theirs is.

I asked my DH to see a therapist, otherwise I was going to leave. Fortunately he has, and things are much better. I hope you can resolve this with your DH.

Too proud to admit when he's made a mistake - or too ashamed? How did his parents treat him when he made a mistake as a child? What was his role in his family?

My exh was the family idiot growing up, which made him hide his mistakes, e.g. by passing them off as mine, like this example. His furtive behaviour was infuriating - and yes, as a PP says, it makes you look like you're being funny. I only worked it out after we'd broken up so can't give you much practical advice other than, possibly counselling? (My exh wouldn't have gone along with that, though, or discussed it - it would have meant lifting the carpet he'd been sweeping it all under.)

Being abused in childhood is no excuse for being an abuser yourself. It's a choice. Plenty of people in the world were abused as children and grow up to be gentle and caring towards others.

Abuse is a choice.

@NoSuchThingAsTooMuch it's definitely not as simple as that.

Some people men really don't like it when women share their wisdom and experience. 12th rule of misogyny: Women’s ability to recognize male behavior patterns is misandry. Etc.

Absolutely this. What's worse is when women twist themselves in knots to excuse abusive male behaviour because they've been totally brainwashed by the misogyny their entire lives they can no longer see it, if they ever could.

Why did people focus on the 16&26, and not 26&36? Because at 16&26 one is an adult and one IS A CHILD. Ffs how did that need explaining? Just because the child will turn into an adult at some point doesn't make it ok to groom the child.

Op, every time he tries to gaslight you, you need to call it out and suggest he goes see he doctor if he is losing his memory.

If you argue that abusers are not choosing to be abusive, then the logical outcome is that criminals can't be held accountable for their behaviour. But considering the recent news of a man only getting 5 years for murdering his wife due to "lockdown stress" or whatever it was, I suppose we are already there as a society.

I refuse to accept those sorts of excuses. I have been treated like shit all through my life, and am not replicating those patterns because I'm capable of choosing differently. I'm not some superhuman, either.

Abuse is a choice.

Gaslighting is overused. He's got it wrong when he spoke to you and won't admit it. Normally pride. Gaslighting is a deliberate and strategic use of misinformation and or secretive actions to make someone else think they're going mad.

I'm not sure it's helpful to focus on the age difference. 26 years ago it wasn't uncommon for 16 year olds to date someone 10 years older. Not saying it's right but no-one would have really questioned it at the time I'd bet and the fact they've been together this long with 4 kids at least suggests he was and is committed to the relationship which has to count for something.

Only you know deep down if it's an abusive relationship, I don't think you'll find the definitive answer here. My husband does this, his memory is dreadful to the point I think it scares him. He genuinely just forgets but for a long time I wondered if there was an intent behind it. I've come to the conclusion no, he's just a bit shit.

It's not an excuse, it's an explanation, and one that my exh might have found quite useful if someone worked it out earlier, as he had (has?) no idea what was going on, or why what he was doing hurt me. His behaviour hurts him as much as it does his partners and children, so I'm not convinced he chose to act like that: in the moment, it makes him feel he hasn't lost face, but only with massive efforts at pretence. The end result is that his relationships are very superficial.

Could be thermostat in tank....I had to have work done on boiler, didn't realise until plumber & team here that it meant they needed to see tank too until they explained things. Maybe he was the same but wouldn't let on in front of the professionals... not nice, but maybe why!

If he does it all the time, I'd correct him there & then....no, you did not say X, you said Y. It is not a nice quality...my son tried it in teens (they prob all do! ) a couple of times as he was walking out the door...'I'm meeting lads to go to X...I told you last w/e it was all arranged... rem, you were watching Z on tv' or I was running out the door or something. I am very clued into DC social arrangements & permissions being asked, discussing how to get there & back detail etc... so no way I just nodded & agreed! I put a stop to it, actually had a conversation about gaslighting trying to make someone feel stupid, inferior, paranoid so you can achieve your goal & get/have what you want. It stopped straight away.

Have that conversation with your DH, he needs to apologise

Just record him next time and play it back to him

26 years ago was the mid 90s, not the 1970s.
Adults dating children was not common place or acceptable.

"I'm not sure it's helpful to focus on the age difference. 26 years ago it wasn't uncommon for 16 year olds to date someone 10 years older. Not saying it's right but no-one would have really questioned it at the time"

Umm what? 26 years ago was the mid 90s, it absolutely would have been seen as completely weird for a 16yr old and 26yr old being together, at least in my neck of the woods.

Im nearly 30 years married and in my late 50's and let me assure you where I come from a man of 26 going out with a teen of 16 would absolutely frowned on.

That is 40 years ago for me and I never came across that.

Older guys like that would have been considered creepy sniffing around girls 8-10 years younger than them.

My parents and those of my friends would have gone mental if this occurred.

At 16 a two year gap would be the most that wouldn't have drawn negative attention.

How the OP's parents allowed that is very fishy.
It screams dysfunction to me.

Men that much older that seek out young teenage girls are usually freaks.

Freaks that like to boss around and control.
If they are working they often use money as a manipulator.
Only naive vulnerable women girls go down this route.
Teenage girls with attentive parents would never get away with this.
It would ring loud red bells for a good father not to mind a good mother.

One is an adult, the other is a child.

26 and 36 is still a big age gap but at least BOTH are adults.

@jay55

26 years ago was the mid 90s, not the 1970s. Adults dating children was not common place or acceptable.

Exactly. Although other teens might have found it ok and exciting, for the adults it would be seen as wrong. Because it is. Im assuming the previous poster was a teen 26 years ago if they thought it was acceptable and normal then. And that the pp also believes it would be acceptable for a 26 year old woman and 16 year old boy?

Haha ok guys, Bill Wyman married Mandy Smith just a few years before OP got together with DH, the Rotherham grooming gangs started operating and the UK had the highest teenage pregnancy rate in Western Europe but sure older men dating younger girls NEVER happened, nothing to see here, move along 💕😉😉

Despite supposedly being the decade of 'girl power' which apparently entailed taking your clothes off at every opportunity, the 90s was incredibly misogynistic.

My DH had a habit of doing this. I called him out on it, every single time and said what it was. Gaslighting. I also reiterated that no, I remembered correctly and don't make out I misheard or misunderstood you. I didn't.

It's stopped. Learned habit but can be broken!

Ignoring the age gap thing for a moment, OP is one of your DH's parents an addict or have significant mental health issues? If so, this link may be helpful.
acoarecovery.wordpress.com/tag/why-acoas-lie/

@Usagi12

Haha ok guys, Bill Wyman married Mandy Smith just a few years before OP got together with DH, the Rotherham grooming gangs started operating and the UK had the highest teenage pregnancy rate in Western Europe but sure older men dating younger girls NEVER happened, nothing to see here, move along 💕😉😉

Despite supposedly being the decade of 'girl power' which apparently entailed taking your clothes off at every opportunity, the 90s was incredibly misogynistic.

Nobody said it never happened. People said it was never normal, accepted or ok.

Many, many people at the time rightly called out bill wyman for being a paedophile. Including her sister. And he even took himself to the police after the jimmy saville scandal hit the media. The police were not interested.

And did you really just compare a child dating a man to grooming gangs of rotherham?

The 90’s were misogynistic. So were the noughties. So were the tens. So are the twenties. That doesnt mean adult men grooming children is normal or acceptable. It means society is so shit women dont get to say no.

Bill Wyman married Mandy Smith just a few years before OP got together with DH
Mandy Smith was 18, not 16. But it was still a sensation. Because it was so uncommon.

the Rotherham grooming gangs started operating
In secret, because they knew that what they were doing was wrong.

the UK had the highest teenage pregnancy rate in Western Europe
This says nothing about the age of the fathers.

In 1995, I was 26 and I can assure you that people would have thought it extremely weird if I'd picked up a 16-year-old schoolboy.

Bill Wyman started dating grooming Mandy Smith at 13 and had sex with her at 14. Not normal. Not acceptable.

Instead of pretending to check emails call him out on it ! Why are you standing for this ?

@Beforethetakingoftoastandtea

Bill Wyman started dating grooming Mandy Smith at 13 and had sex with her at 14. Not normal. Not acceptable.

Bill Wyman is a creep and his grooming of that poor child was greeted with disbelief when it happened.

Where were her parents?
Poor vulnerable child.

He left her after 23 months because of her health problems.

This was not normal then.