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Original poster

do you expect/want divorce long term?

70 replies

picardorlocutus · 17/02/2021 17:58

Just that really. Once DC are grown, I'd quite like to be alone, live alone etc. No issues, abuse, affairs, money troubles or lack of agency. Marriage is working well and strong. Despite that I would still forsee myself living alone from my mid 50s

OP posts:
ravenmum · 17/02/2021 18:02

Did you warn your partner that that was their future when you got together?

ravenmum · 17/02/2021 18:03

(My answer at your age would have been "no".)

willithappen · 17/02/2021 18:16

I don't think I'd ever get marred if I wanted a divorce or to be single later in life

awishes · 17/02/2021 18:18

I would not chose that life, it's mine and I'm very lonely.

lynsey91 · 17/02/2021 18:31

Me and DH are in our 60's and been married 40 years. No way do I want a divorce and nor does he.

We don't have children and think that is one of the main reasons we are still in love and happy.

Very sad to be looking forward and thinking of divorce

KobaniDaughters · 17/02/2021 18:34

@lynsey91

Me and DH are in our 60's and been married 40 years. No way do I want a divorce and nor does he.

We don't have children and think that is one of the main reasons we are still in love and happy.

Very sad to be looking forward and thinking of divorce

Wow....I guess those of us that have DC should expect to fall out of love and be miserable then Confused
DramaAlpaca · 17/02/2021 18:39

I'm in my mid-50s with grown up children. DH and I have been happily married for over 30 years. I can't imagine a life without him, and he can't imagine one without me. One day it'll happen of course, hopefully when we are very old, but for now neither of us is going anywhere. Divorce is the last thing I'd want.

Classicbrunette · 17/02/2021 18:40

Careful what you wish for. I thought a divorce would be great..after 30 odd years we got divorced and it’s not great . It’s very lonely. Make your marriage work !

mootymoo · 17/02/2021 18:54

My exh announced he was leaving when our youngest turned 18, I wish he had left far earlier if that was his intention all along, being alone as a middle aged woman having given up your career for the kids isn't nice (though worked out ok for me)

NovemberR · 17/02/2021 18:57

I honestly don't think your marriage is working well if you are wistfully looking forward to the time you get divorced and can live alone!

RandomMess · 17/02/2021 19:00

I'm under no illusion that my marriage alone is going to keep me happy and fulfilled once the DC leave.

However we still laugh together and love each other. We aren't joined at the hip so will likely have lots of separate interests etc.

Both of our lives will be enhanced by staying together - finances, support, companionship, a "home" for adult DC.

I would be so angry if DH was planning on ending our marriage in a few years time!

Keepithidden · 17/02/2021 19:30

I'm with you OP. Its too much like hard work being married. Once the parenting is done then I doubt there will be much to keep us together. Except, I'm my spouse's carer now. Hopefully by then I'll be able to afford a professional who can do a proper job though. Its a good 15-20 years away yet though so things might change...

ladybee28 · 17/02/2021 19:42

You don't have to divorce to live alone.

DP and I have separate houses and things between us have never been better. Space, independence, quality time instead of quantity, a bit of missing one another and our own 'stamp' on our spaces... it's been the smartest thing we've ever done (apart from fall in love in the first place)

migrainehell · 17/02/2021 19:43

@Classicbrunette

Careful what you wish for. I thought a divorce would be great..after 30 odd years we got divorced and it’s not great . It’s very lonely. Make your marriage work !
This.

Novelty wears off after 3 or 4 years.

VettiyaIruken · 17/02/2021 19:45

I hope not. Looking forward to some point in the future where you can leave and be happy sounds like such a waste of the here and now.

KobaniDaughters · 17/02/2021 19:56

@ladybee28

You don't have to divorce to live alone.

DP and I have separate houses and things between us have never been better. Space, independence, quality time instead of quantity, a bit of missing one another and our own 'stamp' on our spaces... it's been the smartest thing we've ever done (apart from fall in love in the first place)

Just out of interest, have you always lived separately?
Dollywilde · 17/02/2021 19:59

If I ever felt like leaving would be best I’d hope I wouldn’t put such a long date on it.

Together 9 years, married 3, 1 year old baby. I don’t pretend to know what it feels like longer term but unless it would severely harm my baby to leave I don’t think I’d ever play such a long game. You only get one life.

ladybee28 · 17/02/2021 20:18

@KobaniDaughters no – we lived together first, and then decided to try out having our own places about 2 years ago.

Nothing was 'wrong', but there were small things that were grating over time.He's a night owl, I'm an early bird, so we were often creeping around the house so as not to disturb the other's sleep patterns. He likes noise (he always has either music or the TV on as background sound), whereas I really value silence. He works as a musician, and often felt guilty for making noise when I was working (I'm a writer), even though it's his work and it's well within his rights to rehearse. I wanted to move somewhere rural where I could afford a garden, he needed to be in the area we used to live in because of work, and was willing to pay city prices...

With this setup all those little frictions have melted away. And things we were both compromising on before, we no longer have to compromise on. It feels like we're both getting 100% what we want (including sharing our lives with one another), instead of having to give up big chunks of what makes us happy in return for the setup of sharing a roof.

Anyway - don't want to de-rail the thread, just wanted to offer a third option to the 'divorce' idea!

litterbird · 17/02/2021 20:38

I live alone in my mid 50s. I wasn't in a relationship for my early 50s but in one now in mid to late 50s but we dont live together. After the initial adapting to being on my own I now revel in it. It is a wonderful lifestyle for me. I love my space, time and peace I have being on my own. My partner lives 2 hours away and we do see each other every 2 weeks and talk daily, my life living on my own I will protect at all costs. Its not for everyone admittedly but if its something you yearn for OP then, for me, it is the best lifestyle to be in.

KobaniDaughters · 17/02/2021 20:38

@Dollywilde sounds great! And really healthy

I don’t want to divorce my husband but I understand OP’s feelings of wanting a space and time to call your own. We’re hoping eventually we can build our own home and within that a room each that is solely “ours”, that would make me pretty happy

MMmomDD · 17/02/2021 20:42

OP - I think it’s possible that what you are feeling now is a bit claustrophobic and a bit of missing your life and freedom before marriage and kids.
It’s totally normal. Life before marriage and without the burdens of care for kids, house, partner - was fun. And it’s easy to look back at it while being surrounded by toys on the floor and constant cooking/cleaning/washing routine - and dream of just being on your own. With less responsibilities and duties.

So - in your place - I’d not worry about the future just yet. Enjoy the life that you have and decide future when future happens.

fairydustandpixies · 17/02/2021 20:42

Divorce no.2 was when DS1 was 4, DS2 was 3. Sons are in their 20s now, I'm 49, happily single for some years and can't imagine ever sharing my home with anyone else. Never been happier.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/02/2021 20:48

I think if that's your plan, you should tell your DH.

Because withholding that information is unbelievably dreadful.

Dollywilde · 17/02/2021 20:51

@KobaniDaughters oh I get that. Like I say I don’t pretend to know how others live. I just can’t imagine thinking it’d be X amount of years... we could all be hit by a bus tomorrow.

KobaniDaughters · 17/02/2021 20:55

@Dollywilde I can full well imagine myself embracing that kind of set up if I were to find myself single and then in a new relationship without wanting DC and being older (I was 21 when I met DH and a mum by 25, it took us a few years to break being co-dependant because we got together so young), sounds like an idyllic set up

Also love that you’re a writer and he’s a musician (TOTALLY irrelevant to the thread!)....I’m a director and he’s a gamer so I understand the need for quiet v constant music and noise and early bird v night owl!