do you expect/want divorce long term?

[picardorlocutus]

Just that really. Once DC are grown, I'd quite like to be alone, live alone etc. No issues, abuse, affairs, money troubles or lack of agency. Marriage is working well and strong. Despite that I would still forsee myself living alone from my mid 50s

The only couples in our friendship circle that are divorced are those that were childfree. Both couples divorced because one person wanted children and one did not. All four have remarried, and those that wanted children have them, and those that didn't don't, but all are still with their second partner. We're all mid-40s, no other divorces yet, though none of us have children that are adults yet (oldest are 17), so that may change.

My husband does nothing but work. I certainly do not see us growing old together. I want to travel, and see places that he will never take time off work for. I want to support our children, something he has no time for. I don't want to spend the rest of my life facilitating him and his work.

@MrsTerryPratchett

I think if that's your plan, you should tell your DH.

Because withholding that information is unbelievably dreadful.

Yeah I agree, I'd be pretty devastated if I was living my life happily only to find out that my DH was thinking this.

And no I hope I won't be divorced, I adore my DH and our life together, we have a lot of plans for the future

I’m very happy as a divorced/ single person.

I think if I met someone else I wouldn’t want to live together.

I really like doing my own thing!

@ParadiseIsland

If I felt my husband was enjoying the benefits of rearing children in a marriage

You see this is exactly how I have been feeling about my marriage. And I suspect this is the situation for many women.
I feel that DH has enjoyed the benefits of being in a marriage, having a family and a partner and someone to take on all the mental load. I feel I gave up a hell of a lot in the Relationship once we’ve had children whereas his life carried on more or less as it was before.
I think this is the situation for many women too.
The issue here is that, once you’ve seen that, you can’t unsee it. It’s there. You know it. And you are reminded regularly about it. Even with simple things when it’s me who automatically would take dc to the dentist. It’s never assumed it will be him.

At that level, I can totally understand why someone who dream about finally been free and alone to actually be herself and do as she pleases.

And i don’t think it’s only when men are twats that they act like this. They act like this because of unconscious misogyny. So we have good men (to current standards) who live a nice cushy life thanks to what women have given up.... and don’t even realise (or understand) what their partner has actually done. ‘Because she did it on her own will, didn’t she?’

In that sense, I can relate to the OP and to posters who say that they are happy because they’ve never had Dcs (it’s the arrival of children that make everything worse Imo because women take on board 95% of the workload and mental associated with them).

This is so accurate. And being called a martyr for daring to say you do it all - like it was a choice.

I agree @Corroboree, sometimes you can see how a relationship can work whilst the. Children are still at home and the emphasis is on them really.
But it won’t work once there is only the two of you because beyond the family life, there isn’t a lot left.

This doesn’t mean that said family life isn’t good though or that you should destroy that. I think often posters on MN are very quick at LTB when relationships are not perfect but good enough.

I find this so sad, sad that the OP doesn't see herself feeling fulfilled long term. There was another thread the other day, whether you life turned out as you dreamt when you were young. I came away feeling so sad for many posters who said their life was adequate , okay, because they liked their partner but didn't really love them/ feel loved. I see many PP here essentially expressing that.
I divorced when my DC were young and a few years later met DH (also divorced but no kids) and I cannot tell you how my eyes have been opened to how wonderful life can be with the right partner. My ex-H wasn't a horrid man, in fact we're good friends and raise teen DC together, but we made each other very unhappy, we just didn't work. If I had stayed my life would just be ticking over and I'd be okay, but essentially not myself.
I know I'm lucky, I met DH and we have a brilliant relationship. I can't imagine not being with him, if anything happened to him there would be a massive hole I'd never be able to fill and I'd struggle to keep going , I think. Before him I didn't really understand a proper relationship- despite many boyfriends and 4 LTRs- and I was always priority. I'm still priority, but he's as equal a priority in my eyes. I'd never felt that before, maybe OP hasn't either.

In saying that, there are so many ways to live your life and be happy. The PP who lives separately to her DP sounds like it's really working and that's fantastic.
My friend's partner lives in London, he lives here in Glasgow. They've been together 10 years. It works for them, they're very happy.

I think you need to be honest with your DH too if this is truly how you feel. I can't imagine the devastation if once my DS left home my DH told me he had always planned to leave me at this point. Would make a complete lie of the life I had been leading.

I hope to never divorce. DH and I have our issues at times but I always see a future with him. I can see us having such amazing times once DS is an adult. We will still be in our forties and we have so many plans.

There are times as a parent of a young child that I want to live alone but that is a response to the overwhelmingness of DC. Worse during lockdown of course when we are all together 24/7. Once lockdown is over I will go for a weekend away on my own and after that I will be back to enjoying living together :)

No I don't want to divorce. If the relationship is no longer tenable then yes it might come to that but it's not something I've planned for. That being said I do make sure I have my own income etc so that if the worst did happen I wouldn't be helpless.

Absolutely not.

I think it would be fair to have a conversation with your partner now than to drop this on your partner when the children are grown.
Sounds like there areas that need to be worked on. Either to keep your marriage long and happy or to give your partner a chance to move on now.

Single life doesnt always mean happiness and contentment.

@Overseasmom100

20 years ago my now DH asked me if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I did with all my heart it was crystal clear, I had never ever felt like this. We had an amazing relationship...it was perfect. I used to feel how lucky we were. Had everything, we adored each other.

Then he cheated.

He doesnt know why

But same old senario...because it was there and he could

He broke my heart into a billion pieces. Lies, deceit, disrespect...when I look back it is abit of a blur...I think I went into shock...more or less at the same time a tragic death happened to someone very close to me so that took over.

Then year later I found debt loans all money spent on him....payday loans sbout 4. Again more deceit lack of respect

We are still together albeit in name marriage has gone ..destroyed. I want our DS settled at college etc before I change my life. He prob does realise this but hates confrontation sweeps everything under the carpet pretends its not happening. Mr wonderful to everyone else.

I daydream sometimes that I'd love to do this go here go there but not with him....I have been betrayed. I can live on my own Im sure I would be ok

This is completely understandable

I agree @Corroboree*, sometimes you can see how a relationship can work whilst the. Children are still at home and the emphasis is on them really.
But it won’t work once there is only the two of you because beyond the family life, there isn’t a lot left.

This doesn’t mean that said family life isn’t good though or that you should destroy that. I think often posters on MN are very quick at LTB when relationships are not perfect but good enough.*

I can very much relate to this sadly. Emphasis is on dc. I am trying to build a life full of interests and develop friendships. My husband is not the man I married sadly and began watching porn (secretly) which I am very much against. There has also been a few occasions where he has attempted emotional abuse (but I have been able to deal with because I recognised). I no longer view him in the same way I once did. A housemate situation which brings with it it's own type of loneliness, hence intend to attempt to supplement with interests/friendship circles. Sadly, no extended family to support.

Why do childless people come on to a parenting forum to bang on about how much better their lives are without kids

@123HereComesTheSun

Why do childless people come on to a parenting forum to bang on about how much better their lives are without kids

It is not just a parenting site is it? Also the term for couples who have chosen not to have children is childfree not childless.

Plenty of parents tell us how wonderful their life is with children and how we don't know what true love is or that our lives are meaningless without children.

The facts are that childfree couples are far less likely to split up and far more likely to have long happy relationships

I started to feel like this 11 years before my marriage actually ended, 19 years after it started. During its second half I would have told people (if anyone had asked, which they didn't) that the marriage was good in many ways, particularly as a context for raising the three DC we had had in very quick succession, but XH and I reacted differently to things and developed different values, so a shadow had fallen between us that just kept getting bigger. He felt the same way, we discussed it, obviously we tried to get rid of the problems. The shadow was liveable with, not terrible, and not worth breaking up the home for. And then it was. Mid 50s, I got my yearned-for freedom, and he got his, and it's fucking wonderful.

To me, a happy marriage for life is an utterly fantastic thing when it happens, but it's a bond that constantly needs to be revisited. What each party takes out of the marriage is very different during the child-rearing/career-building decades 20s-40s from the 'me' decades afterwards. Our marriage worked in that busy phase, but it was never going to work in the quieter one. And that's fine. The fact we realised it during the busy phase was not reason enough to end it during that phase.

Good luck OP, try to keep open with your DH but also plan carefully.

I hope we’ll make it and still be together
Out relationship has some issues and we are quite different. Like pp poster I do intend on filling my life with friends, activities, interests and travel with friends (we don’t share the same travel interests)
I’m also looking forward to having my own bedroom and decorating it exactly as I wish 😂
But overall I hope we are still together

I also feel that some, if not the majority, of our issues now are related to the kids and parenting - stresses, different approaches, resentment about division of labour.
Strained relations with the eldest as she becomes a teenager.
I wonder if once they are grown we might actually get on better and also be freer to pursue our own stuff whilst staying together, and/or be able to make more time doing the things we enjoy together.
For example we used to like walking but obviously now with the 3 kids it’s taken on rather a different tone 😂
I saw this happen with my parents. Parenting, especially pre teens/teens put a lot of stress on their relationship I think.

Are you financially set up to buy a second property? In a very different style of location, city/countryside or coast etc. Then you can spend time living apart and together?

Good point @RuggeryBuggery there are a few things DH like to spend our time in different ways but there are also activities that we love to do together that have been hard with children and child care, I’m excited to get back into when it’s just us again