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Original poster

do you expect/want divorce long term?

70 replies

picardorlocutus · 17/02/2021 17:58

Just that really. Once DC are grown, I'd quite like to be alone, live alone etc. No issues, abuse, affairs, money troubles or lack of agency. Marriage is working well and strong. Despite that I would still forsee myself living alone from my mid 50s

OP posts:
Carouselfish · 17/02/2021 21:07

I get it op. I have visions of my later life and it doesn't involve him. Nothing wrong now, but we have different needs at different times of our lives and there are still things I want to do that he very probably won't want to. I don't want to die without doing them, so.

Chasingsquirrels · 17/02/2021 21:10

No, I didn't think this with either H1 (he left) or DH2 (he died).

sleepyhead1980 · 17/02/2021 21:13

I get what you're saying OP. I have forgiven my husband for shitty things. All is ok at the moment but I expect eventually he will do something else and I won't have the strength to forgive. So yes, I keep in mind that I will likely be alone in my 50s and have made peace with that

colouringindoors · 17/02/2021 21:13

Easy to say this from your current position and with no real understanding of how life is for many women 50+ who've divorced, esp where money is scarce.

Mooballs · 17/02/2021 21:13

@lynsey91

Me and DH are in our 60's and been married 40 years. No way do I want a divorce and nor does he.

We don't have children and think that is one of the main reasons we are still in love and happy.

Very sad to be looking forward and thinking of divorce

I'm pleased to hear of your happiness but MN seems an odd choice for you give?
Mooballs · 17/02/2021 21:14

For you, for you give.

Devlesko · 17/02/2021 21:14

@Carouselfish

I get it op. I have visions of my later life and it doesn't involve him. Nothing wrong now, but we have different needs at different times of our lives and there are still things I want to do that he very probably won't want to. I don't want to die without doing them, so.
But why does being married to someone stop you. Unless of course you want to move somewhere they don't. Or have a different partner.
TurkeyTrot · 17/02/2021 21:21

Yes, I expect to get divorced. The lovely man I married has become an utter twat. So disappointing, but I can't/won't put up with that shit.

ParadiseIsland · 17/02/2021 21:24

@MrsTerryPratchett

I think if that's your plan, you should tell your DH.

Because withholding that information is unbelievably dreadful.

Why?

I mean the OP is basically daydreaming and has no concrete plans in place. She is happy and has no issue with the relationship as such.
She has actually no idea if she will still feel like that once the dcs have left. Which could well be in 10 years time.

In the mean time, telling her DH would be the best way to make him anxious and on edge. Always wondering about her intentions even though she has NO concrete plans. Just a feeling

ParadiseIsland · 17/02/2021 21:30

I think it depends @Devlesko.

If what you want is to start travelling and your DH is the type who sits at home all day and doesn’t own a passport, it will be hard (MIL is a good case there).
Yes you can do stuff on your own but it might also create distance and separation anyway etc etc judgement on why you are. Doing

Personally I’d look forward to not having to carry all the mental load whilst feeling judged for putting myself first.

ParadiseIsland · 17/02/2021 21:30

I think it depends @Devlesko.

If what you want is to start travelling and your DH is the type who sits at home all day and doesn’t own a passport, it will be hard (MIL is a good case there).
Yes you can do stuff on your own but it might also create distance and separation anyway etc etc judgement on why you are. Doing

Personally I’d look forward to not having to carry all the mental load whilst feeling judged for putting myself first.

ParadiseIsland · 17/02/2021 21:31

Sorry posted twice...

sleepyhead1980 · 17/02/2021 22:12

@TurkeyTrot

Yes, I expect to get divorced. The lovely man I married has become an utter twat. So disappointing, but I can't/won't put up with that shit.
This 👌🏻
AnneLovesGilbert · 17/02/2021 22:16

God no. I’ve been divorced. It was better than being married to my awful ex but however long DH and I have doesn’t feel like enough.

Overseasmom100 · 18/02/2021 00:12

20 years ago my now DH asked me if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I did with all my heart it was crystal clear, I had never ever felt like this. We had an amazing relationship...it was perfect. I used to feel how lucky we were. Had everything, we adored each other.

Then he cheated.

He doesnt know why

But same old senario...because it was there and he could

He broke my heart into a billion pieces. Lies, deceit, disrespect...when I look back it is abit of a blur...I think I went into shock...more or less at the same time a tragic death happened to someone very close to me so that took over.

Then year later I found debt loans all money spent on him....payday loans sbout 4. Again more deceit lack of respect

We are still together albeit in name marriage has gone ..destroyed. I want our DS settled at college etc before I change my life. He prob does realise this but hates confrontation sweeps everything under the carpet pretends its not happening. Mr wonderful to everyone else.

I daydream sometimes that I'd love to do this go here go there but not with him....I have been betrayed. I can live on my own Im sure I would be ok

Chunkymenrock · 18/02/2021 01:24

I feel this, yes. I feel totally trapped.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/02/2021 02:29

Why?

I mean the OP is basically daydreaming and has no concrete plans in place. She is happy and has no issue with the relationship as such.

She 'foresees' herself living alone. Surely the person she made vows to should be privy to that knowledge. For all she knows he has turned down other options or compromised with the understanding that they will be together, like they promised.

If she's got one foot out the door, he might want out now. I think I would.

DK123 · 18/02/2021 02:44

I never intended to get divorced. started off with good intentions, his behaviour deteriorated to the point of being a problem, I tried to make it work until I realised it wasn't going to and that was the point I realised I needed a divorce. I thought about it for a few weeks then told him to leave and filed. My only regret is spending so long trying to make it work in the naive hope he could change for the better.

I don't think anyone should stay together for a long time with the intention of getting divorced later. Only exception might be when trying to avoid causing to much disruption and upset to DCs who are about to do important exams or are going through a life changing event already.

pallisers · 18/02/2021 02:59

My guess is the OP is late 30s/early 40s if she is imagining kids being grown when she is in her 50s.

If I felt my husband was enjoying the benefits of rearing children in a marriage while fondly imagining dumping me when the kids are grown 10-15 years before that happened ... well I don't have words to describe my fury and betrayal. My marriage isn't about rearing children - it is about the primary relationship of my adult life. maybe marriage is about rearing children for the OP - she might want to do her husband the courtesy of asking him if it is the same for him and explaining to him how she views it.

If you like/love the guy enough to be married to him happily enough, surely you like/love him enough to have a conversation about what your long term goals are or what you see as the purpose of marriage.

you never know he might feel the same about not being with you longterm. but it is awful to deceive someone about your long term plans.

PerveenMistry · 18/02/2021 03:22

@lynsey91

Me and DH are in our 60's and been married 40 years. No way do I want a divorce and nor does he.

We don't have children and think that is one of the main reasons we are still in love and happy.

Very sad to be looking forward and thinking of divorce

I agree that the childfree among us are happier as they age. I really feel that we dodged a bullet by not having kids.
DisgruntledPelican · 18/02/2021 03:58

I don’t want to be by myself, but I would like plenty of space and independence. We had that pre-children - separate hobbies and interests, with good quality time spent together. But child-rearing and the pandemic had put a stop to most of that and we’re much more irritable and snappy with each other. I have to hope this will change as I don’t want the rest of my life to be like this.

AnnLouiseB · 18/02/2021 04:00

No. I love my husband and he enhances my life in every way.

ParadiseIsland · 18/02/2021 08:09

If I felt my husband was enjoying the benefits of rearing children in a marriage

You see this is exactly how I have been feeling about my marriage. And I suspect this is the situation for many women.
I feel that DH has enjoyed the benefits of being in a marriage, having a family and a partner and someone to take on all the mental load. I feel I gave up a hell of a lot in the Relationship once we’ve had children whereas his life carried on more or less as it was before.
I think this is the situation for many women too.
The issue here is that, once you’ve seen that, you can’t unsee it. It’s there. You know it. And you are reminded regularly about it. Even with simple things when it’s me who automatically would take dc to the dentist. It’s never assumed it will be him.

At that level, I can totally understand why someone who dream about finally been free and alone to actually be herself and do as she pleases.

And i don’t think it’s only when men are twats that they act like this. They act like this because of unconscious misogyny. So we have good men (to current standards) who live a nice cushy life thanks to what women have given up.... and don’t even realise (or understand) what their partner has actually done. ‘Because she did it on her own will, didn’t she?’

In that sense, I can relate to the OP and to posters who say that they are happy because they’ve never had Dcs (it’s the arrival of children that make everything worse Imo because women take on board 95% of the workload and mental associated with them).

lynsey91 · 18/02/2021 09:00

@KobaniDaughters All the childfree couples I know are happily married and have been for over 30 years.

Most of the couples I know with children are divorced, Some are on 2nd marriages, a couple on 3rd marriages and 3 on 4th marriages.

I believe studies show that childfree couples are far more likely to be happy and far less likely to divorce

ravenmum · 18/02/2021 09:21

I agree that having children strains the marriage, and makes many women resentful if they fall into a traditional role and are not appreciated. But OP says she has no issues at all and the marriage is strong and healthy. From her description it sounds like she has just got married so as to have children, and only wants to be in a family unit for their sakes. Maybe that's not what she means - hence the further questions. Interesting how much discussion it's sparked considering that none of us really know what it is she means.

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