Better the devil you know, than the one you don't

[jazzyjazz22]

Back story: Split from ex about 5 years ago. Went NC for a while due to infidelity while having a young child. Very minimal visitation (enforced by me) and just generally didn't talk. Lockdown came and he grew a conscience about his DD and has made strong efforts over the past year to rebuild relationship with child.

Been with current partner 1 year, got together just before the first lockdown around the time ex first got in contact. Explained that we'd been NC for a while, and it was early days. Things have gone well, met my DD just before Xmas and we've been "happy".

Marriage has been on the cards and we spoke/ argued about it recently. His 'conditions' of marriage are that I no longer keep male friends, limit my social media use and what he describes as "tell me everything". For what it's worth, current partner is from different religious culture to myself, one that could be said is known for women being 'less than' their male partner. (Has been playing on my mind- think non-legally binding, no public record marriage rather than registry or church wedding)

My problem is in starting to think there's elements of control going on. I've already made a lot of changes in the short space we've been together- changed phone number, deleted some social media accounts and limited contact with male friends are the most notable ones. These were mainly due to his insecurities about my extended male network.

The problem is, before lockdown I was very outgoing, spent a lot of time with friends, had an active social life etc. So because he has mainly known me throughout lockdown I feel it's an unfair representation of myself as I haven't been able to be myself! This is now causing many arguments etc.

Now the spanner in the works- ex called for weekly catch up with DD and have felt myself wandering. We had a conversation about the past and what we each could be accountable for and it's left me thinking.

Stay with current partner and try and implement a very different lifestyle I don't know much about, that have very clear cultural and religious impacts. It means obtaining the picture perfect family etc, but do feel I'll lose large elements of my personality/ lifestyle that wouldn't be acceptable to him/ his family.
Or, DONT get back with ex, but actually spend time co- parenting effectively without the worry that I'm hurting my partners feelings by spending extended time with another man. I think I have realised there may still be feelings there but the worry is the history.

Side note: call me strange or stuck in my ways but I am absolutely terrified of having a second child by another man. I'm worried about any possible exclusions for my older child, what the situation could look like if we ever split. Am I a terrible person for thinking that if me and ex rekindled properly, in the future it could mean a full sibling for my child? I've had friends/ family grow up where siblings had different dads and I never quite understood the family dynamics. (Myself and 4 siblings all have same parents)

Sorry it's long, I'm just torn

@Wanderlusto

Seems he just picks bits of his religion that he can use to back up his shittyness. A fake. A misogynistic, controlling fake. Not the first or the last bully to use religious text to justify their bs.

I kinda hope you tell him its over because he is a crazy, controlling bastard and he should seek therapy asap. But maybe that's not wise xD

He's no completely unhinged... wouldn't expect any backlash as such. But do think he'll take a while to let go. I've got the ball rolling and sent the "we need to talk" text

Truthfully, because it means stability. He has a good job, usually kind and I know I'd have a "good" life. But it's the safe option and I'd definitely be settling. Sex life is not great but after years of meeting absolute plonkers, I decided to not focus on certain things and this is where I've ended up

It's really not the safe option. Controlling now, only gets worse.

Dont feel that you owe him that chat in person. Phone him.

I kinda think texting you to get you to remove a make friend off your friends list falls into 'unhinged' territory op. Don't put yourself at risk. Dont let him convince you you owe him meeting up. You don't.

Try not to get drawn into convo with him. It us perfectly acceptable for you just to say 'this isn't working for me anymore. I'm not ok with your behaviour. We're over'.

You you have any of eachother things at your houses?

*male friends

I'm sorry but my opinions ( for what they are worth ) that long term this man will not being you happiness.
You have already said you are not the person you were pre covid . It is perfectly normal to talk to men / work with men / have a friendship with men , especially if it was what you have always done. Likewise , when things are normal to be able to see and socialise with your mates including visiting pubs , lunches all the normal stuff.
He wants you to stick to what is seen as respectful for his culture. It is not your culture.
More worrying is your dd . He will want the same for her , and it is 100% your job to ensure this does not happen.

@Wanderlusto

Dont feel that you owe him that chat in person. Phone him.

I kinda think texting you to get you to remove a make friend off your friends list falls into 'unhinged' territory op. Don't put yourself at risk. Dont let him convince you you owe him meeting up. You don't.

Try not to get drawn into convo with him. It us perfectly acceptable for you just to say 'this isn't working for me anymore. I'm not ok with your behaviour. We're over'.

You you have any of eachother things at your houses?

Not as such, there'd be no reason for him to come here. He mentioned something about saying goodbye to my DD but there's no need. I will do all the explaining she needs. He's just so involved

It's good you're seeing that this can't go on anymore. You need to reflect on your own behaviour as well as this man's though, it's very concerning.

You say you went NC with your child's own father because he cheated on you.

Yet you have passively introduced a controlling, misogynist man to the same child despite only knowing him for a year during lockdown and despite there being a number of red flags.

I really think it's worth you investing in some therapy to protect you and your daughter from any more damaging behaviour regarding relationships.

She deserves to feel safe, secure and valued in her home and in her attachments. This man cannot offer that. You can offer that as a single parent who coparents effectively with her dad.

You can meet someone who isn't an arsehole in future but while you're so passive and have let so many red flags come and go, I think you should stay single and focus on you and your daughter until you've had some therapy to get boundaries and standards in place.

Get rid you can’t live like this it will kill your spirit.

Pft wants to use you kid to make you feel guilty more like.

Yeah I guess next time you date maybe just keep an eye out for that nonsense.

She'll be fine. Kids make and lose pals all the time and bounce back :)

Might be wise to change your locks if he ever had a key!

I feel like non Muslims see Islam in such a bad way because of these non religious men who happen to be muslim. Islam isn't a culture it's a way of life. Culture is eg my Indian background which has a lot of cultural rubbish which is in conflict with Islam.
I don't see Islam in the relationships described in this thread. My husband and I are devout Muslims yet he doesn't have the characteristics you describe. I am neither cornered into a world of no contact with others nor does he overcome me. We have a very balanced relationship although he and many devout Muslims would say their wide rules the house and them!

What you face is someone who is Muslim by birth but chooses not to follow Islam and then picks and chooses what suits him but because you don't know Islam properly it is seen as oppressive Islam rather than what a Muslim would see which is a man who is openly sinning or perhaps hiding it and then telling you things which aren't part of Islam at all.

First of all, he shouldn't even be with you unless he's married to you. That's devotion that he heads in giving you your rights, when he dies you get inheritance and so on and yes you don't need a registry for that but silqm automatically entitles the wife to those things. Although living here we all encourage and advise people to do both - marry Islamically and do your registry which is what most people do. He's taking you for a ride.

If he loved his faith so much he wouldn't be sinning like this and he would marry you, make you his other half in front of God and treat you like a queen. He isn't going that. If you want a Muslim man then go for one who will marry you rather than use you. The sign for this is... he'll marry you! To make your relationship halal. A Muslim woman wouldn't even touch him as he's clearly after one thing and not what Islam asks for which is to treat you honourably. A mother has such a high status in Islam. Paradise lies under a mother's feet.

Your ex is also not someone you should be with. He treated you very badly. He didn't honour you. You need to walk away from both and really turn inwards to realise what you actually need in a man. Focus on you and hopefully you will get someone who treats you properly.

Can't believe you're even considering a relationship/marriage with a guy who wants to control you and sees women as "less than". Come on now, cop yourself on here. As soon as you're married he will ramp up his control and you'll be royally fucked. DUMP HIM NOW. Whether anything happens with your child's Dad is a side note and unrelated to getting rid of your new "man".

Leave current partner asap, have a co parenting relationship with the ex and take your time if you want a relationship.
Being scared of having a baby with another partner is crazy thinking. My 4 children are all to the one man. Eldest DD had a tantrum every time I gave birth, asked me to leave the baby in the hospital, the next one she asked my sister to take it, she would ignore the baby until aged about 3/4, then would fall in love with them. They are children for only a short time and during that time they will fall out, love and hate each other. A bit like when they're adult actually.
I would think of joining a few clubs, learn to pole/dance/swimming once covid is out of the way.

@babba2014

I feel like non Muslims see Islam in such a bad way because of these non religious men who happen to be muslim. Islam isn't a culture it's a way of life. Culture is eg my Indian background which has a lot of cultural rubbish which is in conflict with Islam. I don't see Islam in the relationships described in this thread. My husband and I are devout Muslims yet he doesn't have the characteristics you describe. I am neither cornered into a world of no contact with others nor does he overcome me. We have a very balanced relationship although he and many devout Muslims would say their wide rules the house and them!

What you face is someone who is Muslim by birth but chooses not to follow Islam and then picks and chooses what suits him but because you don't know Islam properly it is seen as oppressive Islam rather than what a Muslim would see which is a man who is openly sinning or perhaps hiding it and then telling you things which aren't part of Islam at all.

First of all, he shouldn't even be with you unless he's married to you. That's devotion that he heads in giving you your rights, when he dies you get inheritance and so on and yes you don't need a registry for that but silqm automatically entitles the wife to those things. Although living here we all encourage and advise people to do both - marry Islamically and do your registry which is what most people do. He's taking you for a ride.

If he loved his faith so much he wouldn't be sinning like this and he would marry you, make you his other half in front of God and treat you like a queen. He isn't going that. If you want a Muslim man then go for one who will marry you rather than use you. The sign for this is... he'll marry you! To make your relationship halal. A Muslim woman wouldn't even touch him as he's clearly after one thing and not what Islam asks for which is to treat you honourably. A mother has such a high status in Islam. Paradise lies under a mother's feet.

Your ex is also not someone you should be with. He treated you very badly. He didn't honour you. You need to walk away from both and really turn inwards to realise what you actually need in a man. Focus on you and hopefully you will get someone who treats you properly.

Thank you, so glad for your perspective. If he had approached with this kind of mentality and explored the meanings of marriage early on things may have been different.

@category12

Truthfully, because it means stability. He has a good job, usually kind and I know I'd have a "good" life. But it's the safe option and I'd definitely be settling. Sex life is not great but after years of meeting absolute plonkers, I decided to not focus on certain things and this is where I've ended up

It's really not the safe option. Controlling now, only gets worse.

I PMed you op.

I do have a great life but my man now is kind and we have a great life together, sex life too is amazing

If I have this at 50odd... you can absolutely have this kind of happiness

Don’t ever lose faith in yourself

Your dp controlling you, as you know ( comments in your post about his culture). He is not going to change, yoy will become isolated

You need to move on, better you are on your own, but co parenting well with your child, than being in a controlling relationship, that is no example to your child

But I think you know that

Yes tried it but due to religion says we can't live together unless married. Feel as though he's trying to rush things through because he wants to spend every waking minute with me

He's probably been love bombing you.

If he has a different nationality and from a different country, chances are when DC2 comes along, he'll get you to give birth in his home country, DC2 will have that nationality and he'll dump you with no legal recourse and keep DC2. OK, that's a bit extree but...

I say this with kindness OP but the fact that your current partner is someone you are considering a long term relationship with despite so many red flags suggests that you are not in the right place to be making decisions about any relationship. Please get rid and work on liking yourself enough to realise that you deserve far better

@Ethelfromnumber73 has absolutely nailed it, OP. You need to stop trying to find a man and work on yourself. Don’t depend on a man to provide for you. Provide for yourself. Then you won’t be contemplating such unhealthy relationship choices which will have appalling consequences for you and your DD. It matters not one not jot if you have DCs by different fathers as long as they are reliable fathers.

Op you don't need either of these men. You don't need any man. Be an example to your daughter and show her that women don't need a man in their life to have value as a person.

Pleased you're going to end it , do it over the phone. Then block him.
He will try and worm his way back in otherwise. These sort of men don't like being told 'no'
You think you'd have a nice safe life with him , you wouldn't.
Just be on your own with your child , it's great honestly.

Feel as though he's trying to rush things through because he wants to spend every waking minute with me

No, he’s trying to trap you so that he can drop the being nice pretended.

Have you heard of the cheater script? Abusers have their own and it’s a carbon copy of what he’s telling you/making you do

The faster they rush to trap you, the more abusive they will be.

End it. I know you said you would, but I worry you will waver, end it please - even if you don’t want to, you have to

When you’re free you’ll understand why.

If you are a good mother who is prepared to protect and nurture your daughter, then you will get the hell away from this controlling misogynist, not give him to your DD as probably the worst fucking stepfather figure you could possibly find.

There's nothing more to say. You owe it to her if not yourself. Dump him, he is absolutely toxic.

If he had approached with this kind of mentality and explored the meanings of marriage early on things may have been different.

Woah, no. He would never do that because he's abusive. He's not starting to control and crush you because he's Muslim, he's doing it because he's abusive.

Holy shit! Get out while you can!