Worry about what others think

[Ceriane]

I know I shouldn’t worry what people think, but I have been single for years and I don’t know how to explain to people why. I am happy most of the time but don’t know how to explain my situation to people and they seem to expect me to. Maybe I’m overthinking.

I had several relationships in my teenage years. The first one was when I was 13 and it was a really nice relationship for about six months, but ended as we were so young.

The next one was 14-16. It was quite serious for our ages, he was the type of person to take life very seriously and wanted to get engaged at 16, but I felt way too young to make such a big decision. We drifted apart as we got older went to college and had different groups of friends.

Pre that relationship, just after and during a period where we were on a break there were several what I call 3 week wonders... people you hang out with for a few weeks and class each other as boyfriend and girlfriend but you are still really young so not really serious “adult” relationships if that makes any sense.

At 16 I went out with someone who very quickly became extremely possessive and it weirded me out and scared me, so I ended that one after a few weeks.

I dated a couple of people (both of which it fizzled) then got into another relationship at 16/17 for quite a few months. It was going really well at the beginning, but there were a few red flags. We got back together the following year but he made it obvious he just wanted a friends with benefits situation, which I didn’t want. I wanted a relationship.I really liked him. He really hurt me and said things like “why should it all be just about you? We’re not going to have sex just when you want to! If I want to see other girls I should be allowed to see other girls and not just you! If your sleeping with me it should be whenever I want, not just when you want it!” At the time I was a virgin, secretly pretty terrified of actually having sex (I know that’s weird, especially as I had had relationships ) ...we still hadn’t at this point. I was scared of being controlled sexually by a man. I was 18 by this time. For the next few weeks he kept trying to pressure me into a no strings relationship. I completely ended it and then went out with someone a good ten years older than me. My family were not keen on this relationship and saw him as a bit of a predator, which looking back, he probably was. I was shy and had difficulty standing up for myself.

At 18/19 I was single for about a year, after spending most of my teenage years in relationships of one sort or another. I had offers, but found I actually really enjoyed my freedom. I went out with friends and just enjoyed life, building my own self esteem. I was happy and had peace of mind.

At 19 I started to date again, the first two I found myself just letting things fizzle because I didn’t want to be tied down too young and then I met someone who it was turning into a relationship but we ended up being really good friends. I look back and always think of him as the one that got away. I still to this day don’t know why I didn’t stick with him. Maybe the attraction wasn’t there completely? I don’t know.

At 19 I realised that I was pushing guys away as I was scared of being trapped or controlled. I was scared to admit that at 19 I still hadn’t slept with anyone. At the time I thought that was really old. I now realise it isn’t. I’d had relationships where we had done everything but, but for some reason, actual sex, penetration, the possibility of becoming pregnant seemed like such a big deal. (Is it just me?). Partly due to my religious upbringing, maybe or the relationship where I’d felt trapped/controlled as a teenager? I don’t know what it was but if I’m honest, sex scared me a bit.

I had wanted it to be with someone I loved and planned to spend the rest of my life with, someone I felt really relaxed around. That was what I planned throughout my teenage years but by 18 or 19 I thought that maybe I was being unrealistic or old fashioned, and started to feel quite embarrassed that I was a virgin.

I went through this phase between 19 -23 where although I didn’t want to settle down just yet, I wanted to know what I was missing out on/overcome my fear I think. I slept with a male friend a few times. We weren’t in a relationship, and the sex was okay. Not fireworks or anything but a nice enough experience. After that I was seeing someone for a few months, it was a long distance relationship so didn’t work out in the long term, but it was a really nice, quite romantic relationship, we were both quite inexperienced sexually, but we communicated well about this and had quite a lovely sexual relationship. I then got back with my ex from when I was 17/18. We had a very intense sexual relationship, but I realised he was just using me and I ended up quite hurt in this relationship, he cheated on me and was really controlling. He was really not understanding when I had health issues, particularly as I had gynae problems that then caused problems with sex. “You might be in pain, but I have needs!”

I decided to take a break from relationships, by this time I was 23. I thought either the real thing or just be completely single, no casual sex or confusing, in between stuff. I wanted to find that person I could spend the rest of my life with. I was a bit of a serial dater during that year. I went out with people, but just didn’t find anyone I had the “this is it” feeling about or I didn’t fancy them , or I wasn’t the one for them so they didn’t contact me. I would just go out with guys and get to know them. I mainly had good experiences but one or two were quite pushy, including one who wouldn’t take no for an answer and tried to force me. That experience shook me up for quite a while, and put me off dating for a long time.

At 24 for about a year and a half I just swore off all men. I was battling physical and mental health problems, including gynae issues. I just wanted to just not be in the situation as I was dealing with enough. Certain members of my family gave me a really hard time about this, as they felt I was at the age where I should be settling down. My parents were very much of the mindset “in our day you got married at 20 and you stopped married and so and so so and so’s daughter is getting married! How can I hold my head up in the supermarket!” kind of attitude. I had moved back home for a while and they really piled the pressure on and said some really hurtful things. That put me off relationships even more. Looking back I’m quite angry that they made such a deal of the fact I way single at 24! That seems so young and I bet every other person is single at that age these days! This was 2007, not the dark ages.

Between 25 and 29 I then got into a relationship with someone. We were together for four years, started out as friends and developed into more. We got a house together, talked about possibly getting married and starting a family. As time went on I realised that for a long time my heart was never really in that relationship, I was going through the motions and then when my illness got really bad....sex became a HUGE problem, there had never been a strong attraction if I was honest. The whole relationship began to stress me out and in the end we split up.

I was single, physically unwell and really suffering with anxiety, depression and not knowing what I wanted. Due to gynae issues I knew I was off sex big time and felt that to get into a relationship while I felt like that wouldn’t be fair on the other person.

I then dated someone from work and even did online dating because I felt like I “should” as I was at the age where I “should” be getting married and having kids, but really I just needed to focus on getting well, do that’s what I did.

For the next year I stayed single, and concentrated on getting my health back (I won’t go into too much detail here about my illness as that’s a whole other story). I just had to ignore the people who seemed to think being “on my own” was my biggest problem and that I needed to “get out there and find myself someone” as it really did feel like the last thing I wanted. I was single on purpose FFS why don’t people understand that!

I got better and went into my 30’s completely single, but it felt like a brand new start. For the next few years I felt so much healthier, happier, more peaceful in my mind and more confident in myself than ever before! I went on the odd date here and there but I wasn’t actively looking. I was open to a relationship but just in a happy to be me, it will happen naturally if it’s meant to.

I have been single for most of my 30’s and swing between being happy and open to love or not wanting a relationship at all or periods of actively looking/dating and periods of not looking or being that bothered. I have questioned my sexuality as I had an intense (and I mean intense) crush on a much older female colleague at a previous job.

I tried OLD... not impressed to say the least!!!

I was 37 when we went into lockdown and although I enjoyed it to start with I will admit that I did panic a bit that I may not meet someone and I’m getting older! I’m 38 now and the chances of me having a family are now slim. I’m 50/50 as to whether I want kids if I’m honest. I’m aware I have left it late. If I did it would really have to be the right person, there is someone I talk to online and he seems nice and maybe we will meet up after the lockdown? Who knows.

I just don’t know what I want. Or what to say to people when they ask “so why are you single?” “How long have you been single for?” I fear being judged by people. I feel like most people’s story is “I met John when I was 17 and we’ve been together ever since” it at least “I was with someone for years and we split up last year” that’s the norm.... I just clam up when asked about my love life. I get pitied and single shamed so much and it’s the main thing I’m dreading when we come out of lockdown m. My love life/relationship history is so patch and complicated and I feel such shame about my situation. Don’t even know what I’m asking really. Just felt I wanted to make sense of it all and get it out really.

[Ted27]

I have to say I think all this is really odd. I’m 56, I’ve been single for a long time, I don’t think I’ve ever been quizzed about why in the way that you describe.
Yes of course there has been the occassional great auntie nellie at a wedding or christening who comes out with some stupid remark but
I‘ve never felt the need to justify my life to anyone. And if some random old man continually approached me in the street and made such remarks to me they would be told very swiftly to f off.

To be honest if my friends and family were continually questioning me, I would be re evaluating my contact with them. I would question whether anyone was a real friend if they behaved like that and would be finding new friends. No you cannot choose your family, but again I would be making it plain to them that this focus on your relationships is inapproproriate and unacceptable and you will no longer tolerate it. In other words they accept you as you are and you put some boundaries in place.
You are under no obligation to explain yourself to anyone. There is certainly no shame in being single.
But it sounds to me like you should focus more on sorting your own feelings about your situation, whether you do in fact want a partner and or children.
38 is not old, there is plenty of time for you to find a partner, if thats what you want, and there are many ways to have a child, if thats what you want.

[IsIgnoranceBliss]

@Bluntness100

Op, do you spend a lot of time thinking about it? Detailing your relationships since you were thirteen like this is really quite unusual, as is your thought process your life isn’t in some way normal when it is.

Could the issue be your focus on it? Do you maybe need to get some help to come to terms with the fact it might not be what you wanted?

This.

Could I suggest gently that giving that level of detail in your OP is really offputting? Especially about teenage romances from 25 years ago. Is that how you usually communicate? I’m saying that as a stranger on the internet who does not mean to be hurtful, but your friends probably wouldn’t tell you.

[gutful]

You do sound quite obsessive, it's really not the norm to count a relationship from when you were 14 (!) as significant or even a real relationship at all - that's just playground stuff!

It sounds like you're stuck with this village mentality. Have you considered travelling to expand your horizons?

This way of thinking sounds backward - kids these days have so many labels & being asexual or "demisexual" is a thing now. People don't need to define themselves by being in a relationship.

If people ask you unwanted questions why don't you memorise a few standard non-committal replies?

Just because someone asks you a questions doesn't mean you have to answer it.

[gutful]

Also we're the same age & I am childfree & my experience is really different to yours, though we live in different cities/country.

Deciding you don't want children is FREEING - it means you don't have this time limit of needing to find a mating partner or to "settle down" as time is not running out for you - your biological clock then means nothing!

The way you write sounds really obsessive & old fashioned views. But if you're thinking you may not even want children that is more progressive.

So it's confusing that you're so worried about conforming to this apparant social expectation of being in a relationship, but you also may not even want kids which bucks all social expectations!

If I were you if someone asked me why I didn't have a relationship I would start up talking about childfree related topics - it will usually offend the sticky beaks & put a stop to their questions.

Eg rude childfree terms like "crotch goblin" should shock the stickybeaks into silence!

Have fun with it....if people are going to be nosy you have every right to respond with an intentionally provocative answer.

But because you seems to worry a lot then I doubt you will do this as you will then worry about what people will think of your response!

[Bluntness100]

Honestly I think the way you detail it indicates the issue is with your own feelings about your single status. It indicates a high level of obsessive thought about it. Most folks would just say I’ve had one serious relationship in my mid to late twenties and a number of casual short term partners.

If you desperately want to meet someone, then focus on how to do that. I really doubt it’s you live somewhere akin to brigadoon, more you think there’s something wrong in being single and are uncomfortable with it.

[category12]

Maybe you need to widen out your social circle (difficult right now, I realise) - but you need to have less of a feedback loop on this subject.

[ColdBrightClearMorning]

I took the extreme level of detail about childhood romances to be OP trying to justify ‘look, see, I HAVE had relationships!’. Kinda like the guy who tells his date all about his many, many alleged exes as he feels it will make him seem more in demand and therefore more desirable. Almost like OP is trying to really desperately prove (to us and herself) that she isn’t this perpetually single trope she views herself to be.

I have a friend who had one casual relationship for a few months in her twenties and hasn’t had a relationship since do something similar, the group would all be talking about their marriage or long term current relationship issues and she would talk about this fling from a decade ago as if it was on the same level, because that was all she had to contribute on that topic. It came across a little strange because it was so long ago and not really comparable, but we understood why she was doing it. It was less painful for her as she could almost pretend a little that she had also had similar relationship experiences and problems instead of feeling like she was missing out.

[Ceriane]

Thank you. I think the problem is that I have completely been overthinking it and I worry too much what others think.

I don’t count the teenage stuff from when I was 13 or 14 as being anything to do with serious long term relationships that you have as an adult. I think I was just trying to make sense of my relationship history. In my mid twenties I classed myself as not having had a serious relationship as I didn’t feel playground stuff counted and the longest I’d been with anyone at that stage was about 18 months.

It’s more when people would ask, I generally just say “quite a while” or a “few years” and hope to change the subject. I don’t give detail like I have in this thread. In fact I’m very vague about it. My more recent friends know very little about my relationship history.
I just don’t talk about it at all, I just talk about anything and everything else and dread being asked questions about it.

[Bluntness100]

But you shouldn’t dread it, there is nothing to be bothered about here. Plenty of peoooe are single, go on on line dating again and have a look. It’s perfectly normal.

The issue here is your own views on it. You seem to think something is wrong as you’re single and using your own words, you’re experience is different or unconventional, it’s not. In fact staying with someone from childhood is unconventional and different.

Having relationships that don’t work out, some short, some long is perfectly normal and conventional.

It seems you need to address your own thoughts on the matter. If you want to meet someone get back to on line dating and do something about it. You won’t meet someone by doing nothing.

[Ceriane]

Thank you. I think I need to stop overthinking and feeling I have to justify myself to nosey people. What is meant to be will be.

[TatianaBis]

Your narrative reminds me of a friend of mine: aged 15-25 she was preoccupied with having a bf and what people would think of her for not having one. Then she met her DH and she's not mentioned it since.

I was always baffled by her focus on it as no-one else cared who she was dating or why she was single. It's of no interest to other people.

[Tinacollada]

OP, If I tried to write my own version of this we would be here for years 😂

In the kindest way you're definitely overthinking

I'm a very similar age, single and have two old (ish) kids.

Don't really mind what people think

[Ceriane]

Thanks both! I think people probably don’t give anywhere near as much of a stuff as I think they do.

[Pluas]

In fact staying with someone from childhood is unconventional and different.

This. DH and I have been together since we were undergraduates, and both recognise how unusual it is. In fact, from time to time, I've had grief from people who banged on about how you should do a certain amount of playing the field before you settle down, and appeared to feel personally aggrieved that I hadn't had whatever specific number of lovers they felt was appropriate.

I've also had people be terribly surprised and say I strike them as 'not the type to marry your teenage sweetheart' -- this seems to be because they assume that the 'type' is timid, ill-travelled and on fire to marry young and have lots of children, and I'm none of those things.

[Ceriane]

Thank you.

To be honest I’ve had long term coupled up friends say they wish they had played the field a bit more.

Really speaking I should be proud of myself for being brave enough to not just cling to someone. I have allowed really insecure people to project their insecurities onto me for far too long and I have made a firm decision that it has to stop!!!

[Tinacollada]

Bugger what they think ! ❤️

[ThisTooShallBeFantastic]

Where I live is similar to you OP - people born and bred here generally are married to someone from school. That’s them. I’m me. It’s not relevant. If people I don’t know ask personal questions I just don’t answer. If I know them, I roll my eyes, change the subject, tell them to mind their own business - or discuss it if I feel like it.

I married someone I met when we were 21 and in retrospect it was a dumb thing to do - we weren’t actually compatible as we weren’t mature. That ‘conventional’ approach is often unsuccessful - most couples I know who met young and stayed married are pretty unhappy (not all).

Anyway I wonder whether talking this through with a counsellor might help you see it differently?

[MessagesKeepGettingClearer]

"I've dated but I'm waiting for the right fit".

Not that you owe anyone an explanation. The main thing is to find contentment in yourself.

[MessagesKeepGettingClearer]

@ThisTooShallBeFantastic

Where I live is similar to you OP - people born and bred here generally are married to someone from school. That’s them. I’m me. It’s not relevant. If people I don’t know ask personal questions I just don’t answer. If I know them, I roll my eyes, change the subject, tell them to mind their own business - or discuss it if I feel like it.

I married someone I met when we were 21 and in retrospect it was a dumb thing to do - we weren’t actually compatible as we weren’t mature. That ‘conventional’ approach is often unsuccessful - most couples I know who met young and stayed married are pretty unhappy (not all).

Anyway I wonder whether talking this through with a counsellor might help you see it differently?

I think that's a really presumptuous thing to say. A lot of couples who meet young are just lucky to grow together with a partner. I met my DH when we were 19. We've gone through uni and settled down together, now 34 with 3 kids and perfectly happy. My best friend has a similar story although no kids yet.

You can't judge relationships upon the age people met. They either work or they don't and sometimes I think that's as much about the people and their expectations as it is about their "maturity".

[ThisTooShallBeFantastic]

Yeah when we were 34 with three kids we were still perfectly happy. Roll on another 20 years and the wheels came off, as it did for most of my contemporaries, because of a combination of events and regret that we hadn’t had more fun before settling down. My comment was evidence-based though obviously anecdotal/not scientific rather than presumptuous. I will say though that the three happiest couples I know did meet very young. It can be fantastic, but it often isn’t it.

[Onelifeonly]

I would suggest it is primarily YOU that is wondering why you are still single. If you were happy with being so, people's questions wouldn't worry you.

Why not try therapy to work out what has been going on for you and why? You've detailed your relationship history in your OP although it doesn't directly relate to your actual question. Obviously you feel the need to work something out from it - why has it led you to where you are now? That's absolutely understandable - and something therapy could help you to untangle.

[Megansocks]

Oh op don’t worry about them, I’ve had huge stretches of being single I don’t care what anyone thinks, if they are offended or have a negative comment it’s usually due to some chip in their shoulder. The only person that’s ever made negative comments about me being single with no kids at nearly 40 is one of managers because she is annoyed with her own life and is projecting on me making catty comments. Just smile and nod!

[Megansocks]

Chip on, not in

[Ceriane]

I think everyone is different, some people meet young and they grow together, other people have several relationships and periods of being single and that’s fine, some meet later in life and some are happy on their own, there’s no one size fits all.

One life only I possibly do as I’m driving myself crazy trying to figure it out myself. In a way I’m glad I don’t seem to have the “oh he likes me, he’ll do” clinging vine gene that most of the women I know seem to have, but I don’t want to feel that I have pushed the good ones away and ended up on my own because of it either. I just don’t want to force anything on myself.

[Ceriane]

Megan socks. You are so right!!! People, in my experience can be so judgemental and I’m kind of annoyed with myself for wasting so much time dwelling on them!