Worry about what others think

[Ceriane]

I know I shouldn’t worry what people think, but I have been single for years and I don’t know how to explain to people why. I am happy most of the time but don’t know how to explain my situation to people and they seem to expect me to. Maybe I’m overthinking.

I had several relationships in my teenage years. The first one was when I was 13 and it was a really nice relationship for about six months, but ended as we were so young.

The next one was 14-16. It was quite serious for our ages, he was the type of person to take life very seriously and wanted to get engaged at 16, but I felt way too young to make such a big decision. We drifted apart as we got older went to college and had different groups of friends.

Pre that relationship, just after and during a period where we were on a break there were several what I call 3 week wonders... people you hang out with for a few weeks and class each other as boyfriend and girlfriend but you are still really young so not really serious “adult” relationships if that makes any sense.

At 16 I went out with someone who very quickly became extremely possessive and it weirded me out and scared me, so I ended that one after a few weeks.

I dated a couple of people (both of which it fizzled) then got into another relationship at 16/17 for quite a few months. It was going really well at the beginning, but there were a few red flags. We got back together the following year but he made it obvious he just wanted a friends with benefits situation, which I didn’t want. I wanted a relationship.I really liked him. He really hurt me and said things like “why should it all be just about you? We’re not going to have sex just when you want to! If I want to see other girls I should be allowed to see other girls and not just you! If your sleeping with me it should be whenever I want, not just when you want it!” At the time I was a virgin, secretly pretty terrified of actually having sex (I know that’s weird, especially as I had had relationships ) ...we still hadn’t at this point. I was scared of being controlled sexually by a man. I was 18 by this time. For the next few weeks he kept trying to pressure me into a no strings relationship. I completely ended it and then went out with someone a good ten years older than me. My family were not keen on this relationship and saw him as a bit of a predator, which looking back, he probably was. I was shy and had difficulty standing up for myself.

At 18/19 I was single for about a year, after spending most of my teenage years in relationships of one sort or another. I had offers, but found I actually really enjoyed my freedom. I went out with friends and just enjoyed life, building my own self esteem. I was happy and had peace of mind.

At 19 I started to date again, the first two I found myself just letting things fizzle because I didn’t want to be tied down too young and then I met someone who it was turning into a relationship but we ended up being really good friends. I look back and always think of him as the one that got away. I still to this day don’t know why I didn’t stick with him. Maybe the attraction wasn’t there completely? I don’t know.

At 19 I realised that I was pushing guys away as I was scared of being trapped or controlled. I was scared to admit that at 19 I still hadn’t slept with anyone. At the time I thought that was really old. I now realise it isn’t. I’d had relationships where we had done everything but, but for some reason, actual sex, penetration, the possibility of becoming pregnant seemed like such a big deal. (Is it just me?). Partly due to my religious upbringing, maybe or the relationship where I’d felt trapped/controlled as a teenager? I don’t know what it was but if I’m honest, sex scared me a bit.

I had wanted it to be with someone I loved and planned to spend the rest of my life with, someone I felt really relaxed around. That was what I planned throughout my teenage years but by 18 or 19 I thought that maybe I was being unrealistic or old fashioned, and started to feel quite embarrassed that I was a virgin.

I went through this phase between 19 -23 where although I didn’t want to settle down just yet, I wanted to know what I was missing out on/overcome my fear I think. I slept with a male friend a few times. We weren’t in a relationship, and the sex was okay. Not fireworks or anything but a nice enough experience. After that I was seeing someone for a few months, it was a long distance relationship so didn’t work out in the long term, but it was a really nice, quite romantic relationship, we were both quite inexperienced sexually, but we communicated well about this and had quite a lovely sexual relationship. I then got back with my ex from when I was 17/18. We had a very intense sexual relationship, but I realised he was just using me and I ended up quite hurt in this relationship, he cheated on me and was really controlling. He was really not understanding when I had health issues, particularly as I had gynae problems that then caused problems with sex. “You might be in pain, but I have needs!”

I decided to take a break from relationships, by this time I was 23. I thought either the real thing or just be completely single, no casual sex or confusing, in between stuff. I wanted to find that person I could spend the rest of my life with. I was a bit of a serial dater during that year. I went out with people, but just didn’t find anyone I had the “this is it” feeling about or I didn’t fancy them , or I wasn’t the one for them so they didn’t contact me. I would just go out with guys and get to know them. I mainly had good experiences but one or two were quite pushy, including one who wouldn’t take no for an answer and tried to force me. That experience shook me up for quite a while, and put me off dating for a long time.

At 24 for about a year and a half I just swore off all men. I was battling physical and mental health problems, including gynae issues. I just wanted to just not be in the situation as I was dealing with enough. Certain members of my family gave me a really hard time about this, as they felt I was at the age where I should be settling down. My parents were very much of the mindset “in our day you got married at 20 and you stopped married and so and so so and so’s daughter is getting married! How can I hold my head up in the supermarket!” kind of attitude. I had moved back home for a while and they really piled the pressure on and said some really hurtful things. That put me off relationships even more. Looking back I’m quite angry that they made such a deal of the fact I way single at 24! That seems so young and I bet every other person is single at that age these days! This was 2007, not the dark ages.

Between 25 and 29 I then got into a relationship with someone. We were together for four years, started out as friends and developed into more. We got a house together, talked about possibly getting married and starting a family. As time went on I realised that for a long time my heart was never really in that relationship, I was going through the motions and then when my illness got really bad....sex became a HUGE problem, there had never been a strong attraction if I was honest. The whole relationship began to stress me out and in the end we split up.

I was single, physically unwell and really suffering with anxiety, depression and not knowing what I wanted. Due to gynae issues I knew I was off sex big time and felt that to get into a relationship while I felt like that wouldn’t be fair on the other person.

I then dated someone from work and even did online dating because I felt like I “should” as I was at the age where I “should” be getting married and having kids, but really I just needed to focus on getting well, do that’s what I did.

For the next year I stayed single, and concentrated on getting my health back (I won’t go into too much detail here about my illness as that’s a whole other story). I just had to ignore the people who seemed to think being “on my own” was my biggest problem and that I needed to “get out there and find myself someone” as it really did feel like the last thing I wanted. I was single on purpose FFS why don’t people understand that!

I got better and went into my 30’s completely single, but it felt like a brand new start. For the next few years I felt so much healthier, happier, more peaceful in my mind and more confident in myself than ever before! I went on the odd date here and there but I wasn’t actively looking. I was open to a relationship but just in a happy to be me, it will happen naturally if it’s meant to.

I have been single for most of my 30’s and swing between being happy and open to love or not wanting a relationship at all or periods of actively looking/dating and periods of not looking or being that bothered. I have questioned my sexuality as I had an intense (and I mean intense) crush on a much older female colleague at a previous job.

I tried OLD... not impressed to say the least!!!

I was 37 when we went into lockdown and although I enjoyed it to start with I will admit that I did panic a bit that I may not meet someone and I’m getting older! I’m 38 now and the chances of me having a family are now slim. I’m 50/50 as to whether I want kids if I’m honest. I’m aware I have left it late. If I did it would really have to be the right person, there is someone I talk to online and he seems nice and maybe we will meet up after the lockdown? Who knows.

I just don’t know what I want. Or what to say to people when they ask “so why are you single?” “How long have you been single for?” I fear being judged by people. I feel like most people’s story is “I met John when I was 17 and we’ve been together ever since” it at least “I was with someone for years and we split up last year” that’s the norm.... I just clam up when asked about my love life. I get pitied and single shamed so much and it’s the main thing I’m dreading when we come out of lockdown m. My love life/relationship history is so patch and complicated and I feel such shame about my situation. Don’t even know what I’m asking really. Just felt I wanted to make sense of it all and get it out really.

[Ceriane]

Ignoranceisbliss: No, I don't say it to them, I'm way too polite...but I do think it, probably in retaliation to them.

I think it's because that is the ideal I've had pushed down my throat since childhood, and not in a good way.

I think I need to take a deep breath, let the comments and judgements I've had from people go and start afresh!

[gutful]

“I think everyone is different, some people meet young and they grow together, other people have several relationships and periods of being single and that’s fine, some meet later in life and some are happy on their own, there’s no one size fits all”

I find it really telling that you have missed out on the “people who meet & marry young then get divorced”

You seem to really be romanticising marrying your childhood seeetheart.

A lot of people marry young only to be divorced by 25/30 & often with kids in tow, then have to navigate the dating world as a single parent.

Not everyone who meets & marries young will grow together - the likelihood is they will grow apart & split up actually.

Also while us singles may grumble about social media & tinder wrecking dating relations a ton of marriages have failed because when those things came about it created a temptation for those people who have been in long term relationships & didn’t date much if at all - they hear stories about tinder & how easy / fun it is to meet random people on it and many relationships have suffered because of it.

Your concept that you wish you had met your person young is just a fantasy.

You could also be feeling trapped in a stale relationship with someone who now physically Repulses you because you have grown to see them like a sibling not a lover, with kids/house tying you down & making it hard to leave, feeling short changed & upset because you didn’t really understand what “the rest of your life” would actually be like....and now that road feels long & you’ve wasted your life.

Sure some people meet young & grow old together but chances are not in their favour. They are the exception not the rule.

[bevm72yellow]

Are you in an area you grew up in ? I think that is very difficult for someone as you would not be asked the same questions if you lived in another area altogether. So therefore you feel judged. Plus families can be difficult with unnecessary questioning and "jokes". Don't even pretend laugh at people's jokes or remarks...give a blank uninterested face. Are you nervous about "making a bad" choice in partner or introducing a boyfriend can make someone feel judged? It's ok to make a mistake.....maybe change your environment, it may help the feeling of judgement you receive.

[IsIgnoranceBliss]

In a way I’m glad I don’t seem to have the “oh he likes me, he’ll do” clinging vine gene that most of the women I know seem to have

Are you saying things like that to others? Perhaps they are making comments about your single status in retaliation.

[Ceriane]

Litterbird that is brilliant!!!

[Ceriane]

Thank you. Without giving too much away, a suburban area in the midlands.

Most of my school and college friends, cousins and all of my mum and dad’s friends and their brothers and sisters and people I know in the area, in the main have been with the same person since their teenage years. People I know through uni and work...completely different story with their relationship history being a lot more varied with longer periods of being single and an attitude of “it’s not the be all and end all”. Like me really.

The people who are judgemental and go on at me about it, I have realised there are about 5 or 6 main culprits for this, when I actually think about it, they are all people with issues who are quite insecure in themselves and can’t get their head around the fact that unless I really genuinely like someone and have feelings for them I’m just not that bothered.

[litterbird]

I have never married and have been single before for years, now mid 50s....I used to get all the comments you have had too. It was soooooo boring after a while. When people (usually married people), started asking me the question about still being single, I just used to say “how lucky am I? I got away from the institution of marriage and I am so lucky”...it usually shut them up 😂

[Cpl1586407]

Where do you live that everyone has settled down with their childhood sweetheart

I know virtually no one like that. One friend who's been with her DH since 20, and one couple from uni who are still together. That's it.

I have a number of single female friends - I was among them a few years ago, so I get the people can be rude. But tbh it was just my mom's sisters being judgy.

You need to practice a comeback that shuts people up. When people asked me why I hadn't settled down I would say "because life is too good!" that kept most people quiet lol. And it was true too. Loved being single. Hand to think long and hard before committing to my current dp.

[Megansocks]

Don’t dwell on it! Or what you ‘should’ be doing. And everyone else looks happy or sorted from the outside looking in. You never know what their life is like. We are usually swapping one set of stress for another, just be kind and accepting of yourself, like I say most people aren’t bothered unless they have some issue and are projecting. Don’t waste mental energy on others mental lives, they aren’t usually doing the same most of the time.

[Ceriane]

Megan socks. You are so right!!! People, in my experience can be so judgemental and I’m kind of annoyed with myself for wasting so much time dwelling on them!

[Ceriane]

I think everyone is different, some people meet young and they grow together, other people have several relationships and periods of being single and that’s fine, some meet later in life and some are happy on their own, there’s no one size fits all.

One life only I possibly do as I’m driving myself crazy trying to figure it out myself. In a way I’m glad I don’t seem to have the “oh he likes me, he’ll do” clinging vine gene that most of the women I know seem to have, but I don’t want to feel that I have pushed the good ones away and ended up on my own because of it either. I just don’t want to force anything on myself.

[Megansocks]

Chip on, not in

[Megansocks]

Oh op don’t worry about them, I’ve had huge stretches of being single I don’t care what anyone thinks, if they are offended or have a negative comment it’s usually due to some chip in their shoulder. The only person that’s ever made negative comments about me being single with no kids at nearly 40 is one of managers because she is annoyed with her own life and is projecting on me making catty comments. Just smile and nod!

[Onelifeonly]

I would suggest it is primarily YOU that is wondering why you are still single. If you were happy with being so, people's questions wouldn't worry you.

Why not try therapy to work out what has been going on for you and why? You've detailed your relationship history in your OP although it doesn't directly relate to your actual question. Obviously you feel the need to work something out from it - why has it led you to where you are now? That's absolutely understandable - and something therapy could help you to untangle.

[ThisTooShallBeFantastic]

Yeah when we were 34 with three kids we were still perfectly happy. Roll on another 20 years and the wheels came off, as it did for most of my contemporaries, because of a combination of events and regret that we hadn’t had more fun before settling down. My comment was evidence-based though obviously anecdotal/not scientific rather than presumptuous. I will say though that the three happiest couples I know did meet very young. It can be fantastic, but it often isn’t it.

[MessagesKeepGettingClearer]

@ThisTooShallBeFantastic

Where I live is similar to you OP - people born and bred here generally are married to someone from school. That’s them. I’m me. It’s not relevant. If people I don’t know ask personal questions I just don’t answer. If I know them, I roll my eyes, change the subject, tell them to mind their own business - or discuss it if I feel like it.

I married someone I met when we were 21 and in retrospect it was a dumb thing to do - we weren’t actually compatible as we weren’t mature. That ‘conventional’ approach is often unsuccessful - most couples I know who met young and stayed married are pretty unhappy (not all).

Anyway I wonder whether talking this through with a counsellor might help you see it differently?

I think that's a really presumptuous thing to say. A lot of couples who meet young are just lucky to grow together with a partner. I met my DH when we were 19. We've gone through uni and settled down together, now 34 with 3 kids and perfectly happy. My best friend has a similar story although no kids yet.

You can't judge relationships upon the age people met. They either work or they don't and sometimes I think that's as much about the people and their expectations as it is about their "maturity".

[MessagesKeepGettingClearer]

"I've dated but I'm waiting for the right fit".

Not that you owe anyone an explanation. The main thing is to find contentment in yourself.

[ThisTooShallBeFantastic]

Where I live is similar to you OP - people born and bred here generally are married to someone from school. That’s them. I’m me. It’s not relevant. If people I don’t know ask personal questions I just don’t answer. If I know them, I roll my eyes, change the subject, tell them to mind their own business - or discuss it if I feel like it.

I married someone I met when we were 21 and in retrospect it was a dumb thing to do - we weren’t actually compatible as we weren’t mature. That ‘conventional’ approach is often unsuccessful - most couples I know who met young and stayed married are pretty unhappy (not all).

Anyway I wonder whether talking this through with a counsellor might help you see it differently?

[Tinacollada]

Bugger what they think ! ❤️

[Ceriane]

Thank you.

To be honest I’ve had long term coupled up friends say they wish they had played the field a bit more.

Really speaking I should be proud of myself for being brave enough to not just cling to someone. I have allowed really insecure people to project their insecurities onto me for far too long and I have made a firm decision that it has to stop!!!

[Pluas]

In fact staying with someone from childhood is unconventional and different.

This. DH and I have been together since we were undergraduates, and both recognise how unusual it is. In fact, from time to time, I've had grief from people who banged on about how you should do a certain amount of playing the field before you settle down, and appeared to feel personally aggrieved that I hadn't had whatever specific number of lovers they felt was appropriate.

I've also had people be terribly surprised and say I strike them as 'not the type to marry your teenage sweetheart' -- this seems to be because they assume that the 'type' is timid, ill-travelled and on fire to marry young and have lots of children, and I'm none of those things.

[Ceriane]

Thanks both! I think people probably don’t give anywhere near as much of a stuff as I think they do.

[Tinacollada]

OP, If I tried to write my own version of this we would be here for years 😂

In the kindest way you're definitely overthinking

I'm a very similar age, single and have two old (ish) kids.

Don't really mind what people think

[TatianaBis]

Your narrative reminds me of a friend of mine: aged 15-25 she was preoccupied with having a bf and what people would think of her for not having one. Then she met her DH and she's not mentioned it since.

I was always baffled by her focus on it as no-one else cared who she was dating or why she was single. It's of no interest to other people.

[Ceriane]

Thank you. I think I need to stop overthinking and feeling I have to justify myself to nosey people. What is meant to be will be.