Page 3 | Why do I constantly worry?

geordielass1980 · 2021-02-16T01:09:56+00:00

Long story short, met someone in October, and I've fell head over heels! But I constantly worry if he doesn't text back straight away or I keep thinking I have upset him. Shared something on FB with him with a stupid nickname and now I think I've upset him as he hasn't text back, (hates social media) And here I am wide awake, work first thing in the morning and worrying again. To be fair it would be something else if it wasn't him. I hate feeling like this! Any advice?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/02/2021 16:27

Regardless, it sounds like the right decision to end it with this guy as you aren't feeling happy and secure with him.

Original poster

geordielass1980 · 16/02/2021 16:33

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Regardless, it sounds like the right decision to end it with this guy as you aren't feeling happy and secure with him.

Very sad but I will probably be ok in a week

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/02/2021 16:37

@youvegottenminuteslynn

If you're honest with yourself, are you usually very anxious in relationships?

If so, you need to be proactive and have some therapy because this level is unhealthy and will make you unwell.

It will also make it very hard for you to have a healthy relationship if you don't tackle it as you are absolutely ripe for codependency and love bombing in future.

This is because if someone overbearing / smothering gives you constant attention and super quick replies etc from day one, your anxieties will feel eased and you'll think oh my god this is what it feels like when it's right and will rush the relationship too quickly before getting to know the person well enough to lay healthy foundations.

However, that is how many codependent relationships, and abusive relationships, start.

So if you have a history of feeling anxious in previous relationships it's definitely worth getting some therapy.

Did some of this resonate with you OP? If so it could be life changing for you to have some therapy, CBT could be useful

Original poster

geordielass1980 · 16/02/2021 16:39

I think deep down I knew it wasn't right. I maybe try some of these in a few weeks

OP posts:

SunnySideUp2020 · 16/02/2021 16:46

You did the right thing.
His reaction shows he is either not into you or he is himself fed up of the drama.
Either way, best to end it now as it sounds like the anxiety was quite disrupting for you.

Original poster

geordielass1980 · 16/02/2021 16:55

@SunnySideUp2020

You did the right thing. His reaction shows he is either not into you or he is himself fed up of the drama. Either way, best to end it now as it sounds like the anxiety was quite disrupting for you.

Yeah he's the type that doesn't really know what to say too! Oh well

OP posts:

Original poster

geordielass1980 · 16/02/2021 17:00

Oh god he's rang he's even said sorry

OP posts:

ErickBroch · 16/02/2021 17:06

I am so confused. It seems like you tagged him in a post on FB and then because he didn't reply you freaked out? He went to work and you were messaging him? I might have got it wrong... but if this is the case then I don't think he's done anything wrong really.

OnceIWasAnApe · 16/02/2021 17:06

TBH OP you sound a lot like me- I have massive anxiety early on in relationships, and am emotionally very needy (although only in my head, I never show it.) If my bf doesn't text me for a day, I go through a whole range of emotions, usually ending with "I don't want to be with him anyway, what a prick." And that's all me and nothing to do with him- a day with no texts really isn't disrespectful or unkind.

It sounds as if you wanted him to reply, he didn't, and you decided that meant he is an arsehole and not serious about you. And he's done nothing to indicate that. You've even said something to him (which you haven't specified on here) to make him feel like you're kicking off. I think you've massively overreacted and you need to be straight with him, and with yourself, about your anxieties.

Ikora · 16/02/2021 17:07

Is this a sequence that happens often? Or is it just with him?

Original poster

geordielass1980 · 16/02/2021 17:10

@ErickBroch

I am so confused. It seems like you tagged him in a post on FB and then because he didn't reply you freaked out? He went to work and you were messaging him? I might have got it wrong... but if this is the case then I don't think he's done anything wrong really.

No no I did tag him and he didn't find it funny, then he went all ignorant. Not that I tag all the time

OP posts:

Original poster

geordielass1980 · 16/02/2021 17:10

@Ikora

Is this a sequence that happens often? Or is it just with him?

Nope just this one, I was with my last partner about 20 years. Didn't have a care in the world

OP posts:

Destinyknown · 16/02/2021 17:13

I'm so anxious. I had a very nasty abusive relationship and my ex was gaslighting, manipulative and enjoyed my anxiety.
We broke up and I felt broken. I couldn't trust anyone.

When I met a new guy I still had anxiety but he always messaged me and never ignored me, it felt different. I also felt anxious at the start and told him why, he listened and understood. When I had a few freak outs he said not to worry. And I never actually felt like he was making me anxious or worried.
Anyway we're now very happily married. With the right person it will work and you shouldn't be made to feel crap.

Original poster

geordielass1980 · 16/02/2021 17:14

@OnceIWasAnApe

TBH OP you sound a lot like me- I have massive anxiety early on in relationships, and am emotionally very needy (although only in my head, I never show it.) If my bf doesn't text me for a day, I go through a whole range of emotions, usually ending with "I don't want to be with him anyway, what a prick." And that's all me and nothing to do with him- a day with no texts really isn't disrespectful or unkind.

It sounds as if you wanted him to reply, he didn't, and you decided that meant he is an arsehole and not serious about you. And he's done nothing to indicate that. You've even said something to him (which you haven't specified on here) to make him feel like you're kicking off. I think you've massively overreacted and you need to be straight with him, and with yourself, about your anxieties.

I'm just not use to this, I haven't been with anyone in a long time, so it's all new! I'm usually the cool one. Must be an age thing

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/02/2021 17:14

Ah so he actually told you he didn't find it funny? In which case did you take on board his reasoning for that?

Original poster

geordielass1980 · 16/02/2021 17:15

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Ah so he actually told you he didn't find it funny? In which case did you take on board his reasoning for that?

Yeah of course.

OP posts:

yvanka · 16/02/2021 17:17

My first relationship convinced me that I was a very jealous and paranoid person. However, it turns out I am not - he just gaslighted me constantly!

Even if this guy seems nice and you really like him, if he's not bringing out the best in you then perhaps you aren't suited.

Eckhart · 16/02/2021 17:18

@geordielass1980

Yeah I know. Your correct about it all. Just overthinking and being silly. It will be what it is. Thank you for your replies.

I've not read the full thread so I'm sorry if this has been said, but you have a pre-occupied anxious attachment style. It's totally normal.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/communication-success/201507/what-is-your-relationship-attachment-style

Step one to solving it is to respect your own feelings. So minimising them ('I'm just being silly'/'I'm just overthinking') is not the way forward. Your posts are riddled with it. You're feeling insecure because he ignored you. And yet you seem to think you need to ignore this feeling you have, the one that's uncomfortable with being treated that way.

Don't try to change your feelings to cater to someone else's behaviour. Change the people you spend time with, to cater to your emotions. Your emotions are all you have, ever. Even if you have everything material that you could possibly want, and you roll around in a bed of banknotes every night with a hot-as-hell partner, with staff catering to your every whim... what good is it if, despite all that, you feel crap?

You have to take care of your feelings. Don't try to ignore them, or push them aside. They are communication from the core of you, they are signposts on where to be and not to be, who to be with and who not to be with. Listen to them and respect them.

OnceIWasAnApe · 16/02/2021 17:21

I do get it OP. I too came out of a LTR and find it really difficult to gauge what is acceptable or not. I wind myself up over the same kind of thing, and have a constant internal monologue- why isn't he replying, why is he annoyed, what a prick, he has no respect for me, etc etc. It's horrible. I think it's a matter of constantly checking yourself- is this him, or is it you? I came clean about this to my boyfriend after about four months, and that's really helped.

How do you feel about it all now?

Original poster

geordielass1980 · 16/02/2021 17:28

@OnceIWasAnApe

I do get it OP. I too came out of a LTR and find it really difficult to gauge what is acceptable or not. I wind myself up over the same kind of thing, and have a constant internal monologue- why isn't he replying, why is he annoyed, what a prick, he has no respect for me, etc etc. It's horrible. I think it's a matter of constantly checking yourself- is this him, or is it you? I came clean about this to my boyfriend after about four months, and that's really helped.

How do you feel about it all now?

Probably the same but glad that it's not me if you know what I mean?

OP posts:

Givemethechocolate · 16/02/2021 17:33

OP I've been Excatly like you in all my relationships. It wasn't until recently when I finally realised why I do the things I do that I was able to spot and try and help myself.

You have an anxious attachment. There's anxious, secure and avoidant.
Anxious attachments need alot of reassurance and when we do not get that it triggers out attachment system. We then worry we have done something wrong, they don't like us etc. And then we can do something called protest behaviour which I never knew had a name. So we act out eg silent treatment, I'll let them text me first as it shows they like me, sabotaging the relationship somehow.
Does any of that ring true to you?
My counselling gave me a helpful tip to try and stop when I notice I'm getting anxious and stop me spiralling into anxious protest behaviour.
She said to stop, write down "I'm noticing that I'm feeling anxious because............
I'm feeling anxious because................."
She said its to build a gap and giving yourself time to recognise its your attachment system that's being triggered.

Givemethechocolate · 16/02/2021 17:34

Also I'm now in a relationship and for the first time they give me the reassurance I need. And my anxiety isn't triggered. I've also learnt not to let myself over think and be upfront with my feelings. It helps

Original poster

geordielass1980 · 16/02/2021 17:39

@Givemethechocolate

Also I'm now in a relationship and for the first time they give me the reassurance I need. And my anxiety isn't triggered. I've also learnt not to let myself over think and be upfront with my feelings. It helps

That's great news! I have some work to do

OP posts:

Givemethechocolate · 16/02/2021 17:41

Try reading the book "attached" It was a eye opener for me

N4m3Change · 16/02/2021 17:50

This one?? X