Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner and daughter

72 replies

Coffeshopgirl · 15/02/2021 18:51

So, I’ve been with my partner for 5 years.
I have a 15 yr old DD from my previous marriage. I have shared care of her with her father.

Things haven’t been easy between partner and DD. However, over the last year things have settled down, they get on better and I was feeling better about things.

Partner and I don’t live together.

Friday night, DD FaceTimed me and she was asking about her Xbox parental controls. Partner had helped her set it up, and was the responsible adult for it. She was asking about screen time restrictions. He sent a screenshot that showed there aren’t any, it’s lockdown, she’s not on it much anyway. Probably some sort of a glitch.

Anyway, DD said why is partner on as the responsible adult, he’s not her parent. He retorted back, she started crying and ended the call. I was livid.

There was then another call from her. He said something else, I don’t remember what, which just fuelled things further. I ended the call as I was so mad.

He just started scrolling Facebook, I asked him is that all he’s got to say, he said what’s the point as there are never any consequences. I said, there are this time, F off.

DD settled down, and she is ok now. She wouldn’t usually be so upset but she’s feeling a bit low, lockdown and missing people.

I can’t do this anymore. I love him, but how can I go on like this? I know it’s never going to be perfect, but I really thought things would be ok.

OP posts:
BlueTimes · 15/02/2021 18:53

Why was he the responsible adult for it though? It sounds inappropriate for her to have and puts him in a difficult situation.

pinkyredrose · 15/02/2021 18:55

He retorted back, she started crying what did he say?

Original poster
Coffeshopgirl · 15/02/2021 18:55

Just because he helped her set it up. It didn’t cross my mind that it would cause issues.

Why is it I appropriate? She is 15, and sensible.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/02/2021 18:57

Anyway, DD said why is partner on as the responsible adult, he’s not her parent.

I agree with her. Why are you allowing your partner to make parental decisions? He's not her dad, not her step-dad, and he doesn't even live with you.

Original poster
Coffeshopgirl · 15/02/2021 18:57

When she said that he isn’t her parent, he was pretty sharp with her. I don’t really remember, but I was livid. I was more concerned that she was crying than what he said.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/02/2021 18:58

Livid with who? Him or her? Also, he isn't her parent. He's your boyfriend.

Original poster
Coffeshopgirl · 15/02/2021 18:58

The setting up was over a year ago, I don’t remember the conversation, I’m pretty sure I would have been involved in decisions at the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeshopgirl · 15/02/2021 19:00

I was of course livid with him. Not her.

No he isn’t her parent. I feel proper are getting a little hung up on that part. It’s an Xbox.

OP posts:
Meowtha · 15/02/2021 19:01

Can you switch it to you as the person responsible for the account?

Original poster
Coffeshopgirl · 15/02/2021 19:01

I’m not asking for advice re the parental controls. Obviously that has now been changed.

It’s more advice re how do I carry on with him? If I even do. We haven’t spoken since then, Friday night. Apart from a couple of texts on Saturday.

OP posts:
tiger8288 · 15/02/2021 19:03

Forget about the Xbox and the DD crying incident for a second, what is he like with her generally? Is this an isolated incident?

Is he making the effort with DD, does he care about her in a parental way?

Muskox · 15/02/2021 19:04

I don't understand, OP. Why were you sharp with her if it's him you were livid with?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/02/2021 19:04

If he and your daughter don't get on, I don't see how this relationship will ever work. It will be constant strife, and that is not fair to your child.

Muskox · 15/02/2021 19:05

Oh sorry, he was sharp with her, not you. My mistake Blush

Dearymesheila · 15/02/2021 19:07

He set it up so he probably just put him self down. In hindsight it could have been her mum but it is what it is. It doesn’t mean he is the parent. Just a a bloody adult setting an account up!

However - I’d be really fucked off with him for chipping in when obviously there was already tension but it’s really down to what was said OP.

If he said some things like ‘oh cheers!’ It’s fixable - if he told her to ‘shut up’ or ‘get over it’ it wouldn’t be fixable for me.

I got with dh when dd1 was 14, he knew when to keep his mouth shut.

BrilliantBetty · 15/02/2021 19:07

What was the retort?

Original poster
Coffeshopgirl · 15/02/2021 19:07

tiger8288 he does have trouble not commenting sometimes, when she is a little feisty with me. Ive made it very clear that I don’t need his input.

But generally he is kind to her, they share the same geekiness, we have lovely times just chilling at home or on days/meals out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeshopgirl · 15/02/2021 19:08

musox it’s fine Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeshopgirl · 15/02/2021 19:10

Aquamarine, that is what I’m thinking. I feel like I’ll be forever waiting for the next episode or argument. I can’t be bothered to live like that. And DD deserves better.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeshopgirl · 15/02/2021 19:12

I honestly don’t remember dearymesheila but I feel like I don’t really care in terms of, he’s upset her once too often.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeshopgirl · 15/02/2021 19:13

I thought better of him, thought things were going to be ok.

Why does he not take on board what my boundaries are?

OP posts:
Dearymesheila · 15/02/2021 19:14

@Coffeshopgirl

I honestly don’t remember *dearymesheila* but I feel like I don’t really care in terms of, he’s upset her once too often.
Right well if it’s not a one off and she isn’t being dramatic it’s time for him to go. Girls at this age can be a nightmare but they are also very fragile and need protecting.

Plenty more fish in the sea ..

user1654236589623652 · 15/02/2021 19:16

You're right. Your daughter does deserve better than this.

It's not a great lesson to have spent 5 years teaching her she should put up with people treating her badly if they are "nice" in between being cruel.

I don't buy that you didn't notice what he said to make her cry and leave you livid. Same way as you've danced around his later "retort" . It was clearly bad and you know posters will tell you so.

Pebbledashery · 15/02/2021 19:17

I would maybe put your daughter first in this case.. If this is how you feel now.. It doesn't bode well for the future.. He doesn't respect boundaries clearly. He's not her parent, her dad or her step dad. He had absolutely no right to speak to your DD like that. If that's not the first time he's behaved in such a way, it's clear he doesn't respect that she comes first and he can just do and say what he wants.
You're forever going to be choosing between them.. And if I was you, there would be no choice.

user1654236589623652 · 15/02/2021 19:17

@Coffeshopgirl

I thought better of him, thought things were going to be ok.

Why does he not take on board what my boundaries are?

Because

  1. you've spent 5 years letting him walk all over them without getting rid of him, so you don't actually have boundaries

  2. he doesn't give a shit