Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Partner and daughter

72 replies

Coffeshopgirl · 15/02/2021 18:51

So, I’ve been with my partner for 5 years.
I have a 15 yr old DD from my previous marriage. I have shared care of her with her father.

Things haven’t been easy between partner and DD. However, over the last year things have settled down, they get on better and I was feeling better about things.

Partner and I don’t live together.

Friday night, DD FaceTimed me and she was asking about her Xbox parental controls. Partner had helped her set it up, and was the responsible adult for it. She was asking about screen time restrictions. He sent a screenshot that showed there aren’t any, it’s lockdown, she’s not on it much anyway. Probably some sort of a glitch.

Anyway, DD said why is partner on as the responsible adult, he’s not her parent. He retorted back, she started crying and ended the call. I was livid.

There was then another call from her. He said something else, I don’t remember what, which just fuelled things further. I ended the call as I was so mad.

He just started scrolling Facebook, I asked him is that all he’s got to say, he said what’s the point as there are never any consequences. I said, there are this time, F off.

DD settled down, and she is ok now. She wouldn’t usually be so upset but she’s feeling a bit low, lockdown and missing people.

I can’t do this anymore. I love him, but how can I go on like this? I know it’s never going to be perfect, but I really thought things would be ok.

OP posts:

MrsWindass · 16/02/2021 01:12

You were happy to have him set it all up for her and be named on it when it suited you . She was rude saying that to him and you should have said " why are you talking like this to Bob when he has helped you with this ?". You memory seems to be rather vague about creating things .

homebase123 · 16/02/2021 01:22

Your daughter needs to come first, he is not her father therefore he should not have any parental control when most things are concerned. If my daughter came to me crying because of something my partner had said to her it would most definitely be over.

omg not accepting disrespect of your partner is not putting him first. He did not try to have parental control, OP's DD was rude to him and he responded. 15 year olds cry over stupid things all the time, it doesn't mean they've been mistreated. I remember bursting into tears at my year 11 parents' evening because the teacher said that I don't speak much in class! She's just being sensitive.

yvanka · 16/02/2021 01:25

Sounds like a bratty teenager testing boundaries, you're doing her no favours by letting her be rude to people and then get out of it by crying.

gutful · 16/02/2021 01:29

So he spent time with your daughter helping her set up her Xbox, only to have the "you're not my dad!" thrown back in his face.

She was rude to him - he reacted - she turns on the tears & is now the victim.

Why do I get the feeling the child's actual father doesn't buy her an Xbox or bother to help her set it up?

This is why it's so hard for step parents/people dating those with kids. He helped her with something she needed & she's just been rude in return.

It's not putting a man first to expect your children to be polite & show respect.

It sounds like the boyfriend thinks the OP is too lax of a parent.

They sound ill suited & maybe this relationship has run its course.

I think it's parental instinct to jump at the defence of your children, but that doesn't always make it right if you're just blindly defending rudeness & society around them is expected to just take it.

Original poster

Coffeshopgirl · 16/02/2021 12:04

JamesMcAvoyswife

He doesn’t have parental control over anything, I didn’t really view it as parental control, it’s an Xbox, hardly major. She has similar controls on the internet so not as though anything was outside of what she is allowed.

This is why I’m torn, she over reacted but she is a teen, and feeling fragile.

He is an adult, and knew how she is feeling. So part of me doesn’t feel that I should end things over this, but the other part is thinking that this will probably never be right.
But, we have to deal with situations in life that upset us, and what sort of a lesson are we teaching children, if every time they decide they don’t like new partners and won’t allow them to have some level of integration into normal family life, that we as parents will end relationship with the partner?

OP posts:

MrsWindass · 16/02/2021 12:07

But, we have to deal with situations in life that upset us, and what sort of a lesson are we teaching children, if every time they decide they don’t like new partners and won’t allow them to have some level of integration into normal family life, that we as parents will end relationship with the partner?

Exactly.

Original poster

Coffeshopgirl · 16/02/2021 12:07

gutful

No, her father hasn’t bought her an Xbox, and wouldn’t have the first clue how to set one up. He is lacking in some areas, but he’s her dad and she chooses to spend time with him. He’s not a bad father though by any means.

OP posts:

Original poster

Coffeshopgirl · 16/02/2021 12:10

MrsWindass

Thank you! I feel like I’ve got more perspective today. I still don’t know what to say when we do actually speak. Of course, he may have made a decision so it will be out of my hands.

OP posts:

Original poster

Coffeshopgirl · 16/02/2021 12:22

MrsWindass

Yes I was, because to me, that is part of some sort of integration as a family. I know some people don’t think that he is part of the family, but we have been together for 5 years. DD and he are at either house at same time. So we spend normal family time together.

The Xbox was set up about a year ago, so I do t remember the exact situation, no. It was just a normal day, all busy doing things.

I have spoken to her since. The situation didn’t need for me to be telling her off in addition to the heated exchange between them.

OP posts:

MrsWindass · 16/02/2021 12:51

Time for a heart to heart for all 3 of you . Good luck .

Branleuse · 16/02/2021 12:58

what was it he actually said, because to me this looks like either a complete overreaction, or theres a big backstory.

If he set up the xbox and there had been no comments for a year and then all of a sudden shes made a snippy comment, how come its terrible that he answered back? Has he said something abusive back, or just defended himself?

Original poster

Coffeshopgirl · 16/02/2021 13:13

In terms of a back story, as I’ve said, things weren’t easy earlier on in the relationship. But we have great times together, as well as “normal” family time.

DD is feisty, and when she is cheeky I pick her up on it. There have been times when I have made it clear to her that it is not acceptable for her to speak to him the way she does, and I’ve also had same conversation with partner, asking him not to step in. I’m capable of parenting her without the need for him to add his opinion. Our views of parenting are not the same. Again, that’s normal in some families, and we manage.

There have been no issues with the Xbox until Friday night. I’m fairly sure it was a glitch, and that is what he was trying to explain to her.

I don’t remember the whole conversation, other than daughter saying why is he on as a parent. She can be quite literal. In fact it just needs a responsible adult.

Maybe I over reacted.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 16/02/2021 13:16

im not saying youre wrong, as only you guys know what the dynamic is, but I cant imagine why someone should just be expected to have a surly teen be rude to them with no comeback. Replying when someone is rude to you is not parenting, its communicating. Sounds like hes had enough of her cheek

Original poster

Coffeshopgirl · 16/02/2021 13:32

He shouldn’t be expected to have DD be rude to him with no comeback.
But my main concern is her mental health. She is fragile at the mo, and I really believe that if she wasn’t then her conversation with him would have been different.

Yes maybe he has. I told him to go, and from
the message he sent on Saturday we will talk at the weekend. But he hasn’t kept any contact, no morning or night, no text just checking in. Maybe he isn’t ready for that, we will see.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 16/02/2021 14:02

if you want to finish with him because you want to concentrate on your dds mental health, then thats one thing, but it doesnt mean hes done anything particularly wrong. Sounds like hes not contacting you now anyway, so sounds like the decision is right for all 3 of you

HotSauceCommittee · 16/02/2021 14:14

It really sounds like you want everyone walking on eggshells around your daughter.
Teenagers are stroppy and sensitive, but if someone's cheeky kid is going to speak to me rudely after I've done something to help them, you can bet I will pull them up on it. Life is like that.
Can you honestly say that he just doesn't hold his tongue most of the time and that this wasn't a one off?
If he doesn't, if he always bites back, I can see your point. Otherwise your daughter has to learn that certain behaviours will earn her a negative response from those who aren't her nearest and dearest with the duty of being understanding of her.

Seadad · 16/02/2021 16:12

He needs to apologise if he can't understand that she would have been distressed to learn that he was named as the 'responsible adult'. Even if it was just technical know how - he shouldn't have said something that was enough made her cry.
He is also stating that 'there are no consequences' for her when he upsets her? Not good is it?
Teenagers can be a nightmare- raging hormones and fighting off parental control - and the pandemic makes their life hard. But he is the adult here and should act like one, make allowances and make amends.

Original poster

Coffeshopgirl · 16/02/2021 16:19

Seadad I think he meant that there are never any consequences from me to him in respect of how he has spoken to her in the past. That would be in the context of the conversation after the call with DD had ended.

He knows very well that there are consequences for her when she has attitude.

Yes. I agree, he should have been kinder to her, kept a lid on his mouth.

OP posts:

chliba · 17/02/2021 09:56

I think your partner is showing quite a bit of immaturity by lashing out at your daughter for that comment. Yes, she's a teenager and bad attitude should be picked up on, however he is an adult and should be much better at controlling and regulating his emotions. I also think he should respect your decision to be the one to discipline and parent as she is not his child and he has no right to play that role without your permission. I think as others have said, you need to look at the relationship as a whole. Do you think she is generally happy with him being about or does it seem that the friction between them affects her negatively? One thing my dad always did for me as a teenager was put me first and there was no doubt in my mind that I was his first priority. As a result, we have one of the most beautiful relationships and I will always remain grateful for that. Make sure DD knows how important she is to you, but as you've said she is feisty, don't let her run rings around you. Anything at a detriment to her happiness or wellbeing has to go imo, so I think a frank chat with your partner may be worthwhile.

Original poster

Coffeshopgirl · 17/02/2021 16:27

chliba

Yes, things are generally ok when they are around each other. As I’ve said, much better this last year or so especially.

I’ve spoken with DD and feel that she probably wouldn’t be happy with anyone I was with. That is something that I will talk further with her about. We have a lovely relationship, and she is in no doubt about my priorities. Although I do wonder if she is more affected than she seems, she is a teen and fragile, stroppy and hormonal.

Partner and I are going to talk this weekend, so we will see what outcome is then. He will be left in no doubt about my views what happened.

OP posts:

Ardvark111 · 17/02/2021 18:01

Well on the plus side he not living with you
Gives you all time to cool off. !!! I can see your daughter pov get some more boundaries in place maybe,?

Hillary111 · 17/02/2021 18:19

At 15 I would expect to be pulled up on it if I was cheeky/rude to an adult (which incidentally, happened all the time because I was hard work) it doesn’t matter whether it a step parent/ teacher/ whoever. Perhaps this was the straw that broke the camels back. There may have been plenty more incidents that you aren’t even aware of.

Flip

1 2 3