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Original poster

Partner and daughter

72 replies

Coffeshopgirl · 15/02/2021 18:51

So, I’ve been with my partner for 5 years.
I have a 15 yr old DD from my previous marriage. I have shared care of her with her father.

Things haven’t been easy between partner and DD. However, over the last year things have settled down, they get on better and I was feeling better about things.

Partner and I don’t live together.

Friday night, DD FaceTimed me and she was asking about her Xbox parental controls. Partner had helped her set it up, and was the responsible adult for it. She was asking about screen time restrictions. He sent a screenshot that showed there aren’t any, it’s lockdown, she’s not on it much anyway. Probably some sort of a glitch.

Anyway, DD said why is partner on as the responsible adult, he’s not her parent. He retorted back, she started crying and ended the call. I was livid.

There was then another call from her. He said something else, I don’t remember what, which just fuelled things further. I ended the call as I was so mad.

He just started scrolling Facebook, I asked him is that all he’s got to say, he said what’s the point as there are never any consequences. I said, there are this time, F off.

DD settled down, and she is ok now. She wouldn’t usually be so upset but she’s feeling a bit low, lockdown and missing people.

I can’t do this anymore. I love him, but how can I go on like this? I know it’s never going to be perfect, but I really thought things would be ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeshopgirl · 15/02/2021 19:17

Dearymesheila

Right well if it’s not a one off and she isn’t being dramatic it’s time for him to go. Girls at this age can be a nightmare but they are also very fragile and need protecting.

Exactly this. That’s why I was so angry with him. He knows very well that she is a bit low at the moment. He should have been nothing but kind to her.

OP posts:
Dearymesheila · 15/02/2021 19:18

@Coffeshopgirl

*tiger8288* he does have trouble not commenting sometimes, when she is a little feisty with me. Ive made it very clear that I don’t need his input.

But generally he is kind to her, they share the same geekiness, we have lovely times just chilling at home or on days/meals out.

Oh I’ve just read this. This would really get my hackles up.

Good times are all on his terms though, when it gets a bit patchy he can’t keep his gob shut. I hate that. Even dh and I don’t tag team. If one of the dc are getting told off the other stays well clear.

Original poster
Coffeshopgirl · 15/02/2021 19:19

user1654236589623652

Yep, basically. It’s not something I’m proud of.

OP posts:
TheLaughingGenome · 15/02/2021 19:20

What did he actually say? Was it pretty harsh, @Coffeshopgirl?

Original poster
Coffeshopgirl · 15/02/2021 19:22

Dearymesheila

Good times are all on his terms though, when it gets a bit patchy he can’t keep his gob shut. I hate that. Even dh and I don’t tag team. If one of the dc are getting told off the other stays well clear

And that’s what I expect from him. It’s not difficult is it?!
Apparently it’s too much to ask from him though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeshopgirl · 15/02/2021 19:25

TheLaughingGenome

I really don’t remember. It’s kind of irrelevant, the real issue is he chose to ignore her feelings, he wasn’t kind to her.

OP posts:
homebase123 · 15/02/2021 19:28

All he did was help you out by setting it up and her comment "why is partner on as the responsible adult, he’s not her parent" was unnecessary. She knows why he's set as the responsible adult. Why should he get attitude for simply being helpful?

You should be better at dealing with her and not let her get away with that kind of attitude towards either of you, if I was in your partner's shoes I'd start to defend myself too if I knew that you wouldn't.

Original poster
Coffeshopgirl · 15/02/2021 19:32

homebase123

I do pull her up about her attitude, he is very aware of this. Yes, she was giving him attitude. He responded, she started crying.
He didn’t need to respond in the way he did. He could have chosen to ignore her comment.

OP posts:
PinotPony · 15/02/2021 19:34

Does he have children of his own? It's hard enough for the parents of teenagers to deal with their fragility and agree how best to parent but more so for someone who is not related.

Could you perhaps lay down some clear boundaries? So he understands that you don't need him to try to act like a parent. He obviously feels critical of your parenting style - he thinks DD never has consequences - but that's not for him to comment.

I agree that DD must be your priority. And it sounds like you've made your decision to get rid.

Dearymesheila · 15/02/2021 19:36

@homebase123

All he did was help you out by setting it up and her comment "why is partner on as the responsible adult, he’s not her parent" was unnecessary. She knows why he's set as the responsible adult. Why should he get attitude for simply being helpful?

You should be better at dealing with her and not let her get away with that kind of attitude towards either of you, if I was in your partner's shoes I'd start to defend myself too if I knew that you wouldn't.

Well Op didn’t really get a chance to did she as gobshite next to her chirped up and inflamed the situation up.

And homebase you defending yourself is getting in to an argument with a already upset teenager ( who isn’t your own) - which is really bloody unhelpful.

homebase123 · 15/02/2021 19:38

He could have chosen to ignore it yes, but if he's been ignoring similar comments for 5 years then why should he? You can't let her treat him with such disrespect, and crying shouldn't be a get out of jail free card.

snowblower · 15/02/2021 19:40

I'm struggling to see what he did wrong?. Sounds like she was being a stroppy teenager he defended himself so she turned on the water works. Obviously if you think this is a wider problem you either need to communicate that with him & work on it or re think the relationship.

Original poster
Coffeshopgirl · 15/02/2021 19:40

homebase123

No he doesn’t have children. But he has a good understanding of emotions, or I thought.

We do have boundaries re him not needing to parent her. He knows very well that she has consequences, I’m not a non discipline parent by any means. He seems incapable of balance though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeshopgirl · 15/02/2021 19:44

snowblower

It wasn’t a case of her turning on the waterworks. She was quite upset. Stroppy or not, he needed to keep a lid on it and he was not able to do that.

I am rethinking the relationship. He can’t respect my boundaries re his input with DD. He hasn’t contacted since Saturday. Not exactly mature.

OP posts:
homebase123 · 15/02/2021 19:45

If you have very different expectations of his role then you might just be best ending it? It doesn't seem like he was trying to parent her at all.

BlueTimes · 15/02/2021 19:48

I don’t think the relationship is working for him, from his point of view so I really don’t see why you are rethinking things because it doesn’t sound like the choice is yours.

Hammonds · 15/02/2021 19:48

@homebase123

He could have chosen to ignore it yes, but if he's been ignoring similar comments for 5 years then why should he? You can't let her treat him with such disrespect, and crying shouldn't be a get out of jail free card.
Maybe it’s time for him to bow out then rather than getting in to snippy arguments with a upset teenage girl. Plus the OP has said she has had to tell him before about not getting involved. This would really piss me off like he is gagging to join in.

He hasn’t got any boundaries and this will definitely continue to get worse.

snowblower · 15/02/2021 20:00

Well if the relationship isn't working then maybe this seemingly minor event has highlighted that. I get that she was upset as the proud mum of 15yrs old daughter I am also aware if how ' upset ' they can get. In the last 24hrs mine has been upset because I wouldn't let her go to a party thus destroying her social life & making her a 'fucking weirdo' & starving her to death because I told her to make her own breakfast.

Original poster
Coffeshopgirl · 15/02/2021 20:05

BlueTimes yes maybe it isn’t. Maybe he is taking time out to rethink things also.

OP posts:
BlueTimes · 15/02/2021 20:07

@Coffeshopgirl

*BlueTimes* yes maybe it isn’t. Maybe he is taking time out to rethink things also.
There are lots of people out there who you might be happier with. It doesn’t sound like your DD likes him and you come across as having quite a number of concerns about the relationship not being worth it.
Original poster
Coffeshopgirl · 15/02/2021 20:17

BlueTimes indeed. Plus I don’t mind being single. It will be really hard to make the break, but life is short.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeshopgirl · 15/02/2021 20:19

Hammonds thank you. That’s what I’m concerned about. I really thought things were on an even keel, we had only been chatting last week about how DD seems so much more grown up lately.

So it’s definitely not as though things have been consistently bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeshopgirl · 15/02/2021 20:20

snowblower

You wicked mum you!! 😂

OP posts:
rawalpindithelabrador · 15/02/2021 20:23

Put your daughter first over your crummy boyfriend.

JamesMcAvoyswife · 16/02/2021 00:56

Your daughter needs to come first, he is not her father therefore he should not have any parental control when most things are concerned. If my daughter came to me crying because of something my partner had said to her it would most definitely be over.