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Original poster

Want to get married but not sure DP does?

72 replies

LittleMissTeacup · 15/02/2021 14:40

My DP and I have been together for 6 years. During this time, we have had several talks about where we see ourselves in the future. I’m older by 3 years and I’m now 34. After we’d been dating for about 2 years, we decided to move in together and I had a deposit saved up which funded us buying a house together and furnishing it. This was all part of our long term plans we’d discussed. After a year of living here, I mentioned about children as we were both keen to start a family (one of our early discussions), he agreed but I said I wanted to get married first.
Since then, over the next 3 years, he’s decided that it’s not the right time to get married and, since I want to be married before having children, that will have to wait as well.
Valentine’s Day has been and gone and I think I’m feeling sad - I’m now at the age where I don’t see proposals on social media as all my friends are married.
For context, his friends are not married and, all of them have gfs significantly younger than me - 7 to 8 years younger. Sometimes he says “oh they don’t want to get married and have children for another 7 years” which is fine for them, but I’d be in my 40s if we followed his friends’ plans.
My mum is a firm believer that I basically do “wifey” work such as housework, food shopping, lunch sandwiches etc. and she maintains that you shouldn’t do this until you are a wife. I disagreed, I felt we were on the same page, which we seemed to be when we got the house, but now “it’s not the right time” or “it will happen when it happens”.
I now start to think the problem is that he doesn’t want to marry me, like I’ll do, but I’m not his long term plan. However, I’m fully prepared to accept this could be my insecurity as when I’ve dated before him, it’s always been made clear to me by ex’s that I’m not their long term relationship and I’m not worth the commitment. I actually gave up dating for a few years until I met DP.
I don’t want to have children without marriage - I’d like to share the same surname and feel all connected, as silly as that sounds. However, I would like children and am starting to get concerned that my age is going to make this harder.
Am I just worrying too much and letting my past insecurities get in the way and I should accept it will happen when it happens?

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 15/02/2021 14:42

Time to lay it on the line for him. You want to have a baby, you want to be married first. You need those things to happen, or you'll leave and find someone else to do them with.

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/02/2021 14:44

He doesn’t want to marry you. If he did, you’d be married. What reason does he have to get married? You already live together and he appears to have an easy life if you’re doing most of the chores. You’ve told him no children until marriage which, since it sounds like he isn’t particularly eager to have children either, is actually doing him even more of a favour.

If you want marriage and children then I think you need to accept it’s going to be with somebody else and begin making plans for that.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2021 14:46

Please say you protected your deposit?

He doesn’t want to marry you. He’s stalling on marriage and kids and you don’t long that long to get on with the latter so I’d have a serious discussion and be prepared to end the relationship if you don’t get a timeline you’re happy with and some honesty from him.

It doesn’t matter his friends do, it matters what he wants. If he doesn’t want to commit like you do then you’re incompatible.

Why are you doing all the housework and cooking? What does he do? Do you both work?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/02/2021 14:48

Agree with pp. You have no time to waste. After 6 years, he should know what he wants out of this relationship, and as for what his friends are doing, I'd be telling him that means fuck all.

BluebellsGreenbells · 15/02/2021 14:49

You Regina need to spell it out.

If he doesn’t want those things then you aren’t getting any of them.

You need to think about you and your needs.

StephenBelafonte · 15/02/2021 14:50

It sounds to me as though he used you to get on the housing ladder but doesn't actually want to marry you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2021 14:54

In answer to your question specifically, I think you know he doesn’t want to marry you and you’re trying to work out where that leaves you now.

If he won’t marry you, and you need to look at both his actions and his words, plus you’re the one who put up the money for the place you both now own, and you’ve adopted the role of chief cook, housekeeper and maid, what are you currently getting from the current set up?

PlinkPlink · 15/02/2021 14:56

This is a subject that unfortunately makes or breaks a relationship.

You need to say that you want to he married. You want to have kids. And say a time frame.

If he says he's not ready, it's time to split. He's not on the same page.

If you stay together and have a baby earlier than he wants, he will resent you and the child.
If you have it later, it may be too late physically for you to have kids and you will resent him.

Thus... you need to sit down and have a very honest conversation.

Original poster
LittleMissTeacup · 15/02/2021 15:26

Thanks all, I went out for a walk and didn’t expect so many quick responses. Also I thought I was going to get told that I had high expectations so for you all to say the same, confirms what I was starting to think.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/02/2021 15:27

You aren't on the same page or timeline as him and this is a really critical time for you to make a decision. I'm the same age as you and want to be a mum, don't waste time if he isn't all in. If you can't have a positive conversation with him about it then it's not the right relationship for children and marriage.

My mum is a firm believer that I basically do “wifey” work such as housework, food shopping, lunch sandwiches etc. and she maintains that you shouldn’t do this until you are a wife.

Oh and FYI or for your mum's info - you don't have to do those things at any point, married or not, unless they are equally shared and mutual!!!

Are you saying you do them all now?!

Original poster
LittleMissTeacup · 15/02/2021 15:30

@AnneLovesGilbert I did protect my deposit. There is a slight irony in this as that, due some great solicitor’s advice, he has no claim to this money as we aren’t married.
We both work, we normally have a cleaner, but I’m wfh whilst he’s still going into work so I’ve picked up more of this side of housework. He does do some housework, but I was starting to feel everything was one sided and you’re right that I’m not getting as much from this arrangement as he is.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2021 15:31

You’re 34, you’re in a 6 year relationship, you want to get married and have children. Your expectations of a plan for these things to happen and honest discussion with your partner about whether you want enough of the same things to share a future are entirely healthy, normal and reasonable.

NoGoodPunsLeft · 15/02/2021 15:32

You know in your heart of hearts that if he wanted to marry you he would. A friend of mine had a younger partner, he knew right from the start that she didn't have time to wait because she was mid thirties, he was all in and they are now married with two kids.

HankMarvinjg · 15/02/2021 15:35

If you both seriously wanted to be married, you would be by now

KitchenFairy · 15/02/2021 15:38

Can I just say how wonderfully refreshing it is to read a thread where you haven’t gone ahead and had children and given them his surname, and you have legally protected your house deposit.

You’re right, I don’t think he wants to marry you, but I have a feeling however this pans out you’ll be just fine, you have your head screwed on and your eyes wide open.

HollowTalk · 15/02/2021 15:39

If he's comparing himself with friends with much younger girlfriends, then I'd leave him to it. You're not in that situation. Good for you that you protected your deposit.

He'll grow up a bit in the next few years, but I wouldn't hang around for that. If he wants to stick to his friends' timetables, then you'll always be out of kilter with that. Better to move on amicably.

mindutopia · 15/02/2021 15:42

You absolutely need to sit down and talk about it and make it clear where you see yourself in the next few years. If his plans aren't the same, then you need to think about that means and how to move forward. Dh and I had been dating probably 2 years (I'm 7 years older, so he was only 23 at the time) when we very seriously discussed married and children. We were at the time long distance living in different countries and realistically we would have to get married to make one of us moving permanently to live with the other possible. We discussed it, got engaged, I moved 5 months later when I could get a visa, and we were married a few months after that. I was very clear that I couldn't move and we obviously couldn't have children before we were married. Dh was completely on the same page (though he was the first of his friends to get married and have dc). I think if you can share the responsibility of the financial and legal ramifications of having a house together, which is a huge step, then this shouldn't be that difficult to discuss.

Beyond that, I do to a certain extent think your mum is right. I mean you shouldn't be doing all the housework or making his lunches anyway unless you don't work yourself and he's supporting you. You should be equals in your relationship and sharing all the adulting responsibilities of living together (I don't think in 12 years of marriage I have ever made dh lunch).

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/02/2021 15:45

Can I just say how wonderfully refreshing it is to read a thread where you haven’t gone ahead and had children and given them his surname, and you have legally protected your house deposit

Ain't that the truth

As everyone's said, OP, he'd have married you by now if he really wanted to, and I'm sure you know this yourself deep down.
Since you've already been clear about what you want I'm not sure I'd even bother having "the talk"; you'll probably just get a "promise" for a couple of years time and that won't materialise either

Difficult as it is, it might be better to simply say it's over because you clearly expect different things - if he really does want you you'll then find out soon enough

katy1213 · 15/02/2021 15:57

You've wasted enough time on this man. And well done for having the sense not to start a family with someone who's dragging his heels.
Do remember that if you sell your home, you don't just take back your deposit; it's the equity proportionally to what you put in at the start.

Dontbeme · 15/02/2021 15:59

over the next 3 years, he’s decided that it’s not the right time to get married

You have been together six years, live together a few years what else does he need to know about you to either commit or leave you to find someone who will marry you? Seriously what more does he need to know? He is drifting along because it is convenient for him right now, but it's not convenient for you anymore so grab what you want from life. Move on OP he will either chase you or not, then you will know.

Jobsharenightmare · 15/02/2021 16:03

Do remember that if you sell your home, you don't just take back your deposit; it's the equity proportionally to what you put in at the start.

^ that's important yes.

I am sad to agree with the other posters. He doesn't want to commit and sees buying a house as far less of a commitment than marriage and babies, hence wanting to get on the property ladder but not get legally tied to you.

You're at the age to lay it on the line and spell out for him that if he doesn't want to get married this year and start trying to conceive straight away you'll need to leave to have time to find someone else who wants what you do.

rawalpindithelabrador · 15/02/2021 16:04

Your mistake was moving in with him and doing wifey work for this guy. Do not compound this by wasting further time with him. If you do this, then you are actively choosing not to have kids or be married. At all, possibly forever. Wasting another day of your life with him is choosing to throw away your fertility and chance to have kids on a man who will then turn round, find a younger woman and be married and have kids in months.

This is as simple as you make it.

'I'm throwing away my life on this relationship and so it stops right now. We're through. We need to see a solicitor about what to do about the house.'

Then you bloody stop with the food shopping, cooking and making his fucking pieces.

Guys like this burn me up, but so do women who give these drifters all their power and throw away their chance to have kids on blokes who wouldn't pee on them if they were on fire.

DinosaurDiana · 15/02/2021 16:07

What do you want more, kids or him ?

Onelifeonly · 15/02/2021 16:12

Slightly odd that all his friends (same age as him?) have much younger girlfriends. Perhaps he's hoping for one too?

6 years is too long at your age to wait for a decision. And it sounds like he's made his decision anyway. If so, you need to move on fast.

Good luck.

nerolian · 15/02/2021 16:15

Time for him to pop off before he wastes any more of your fertile years.