Want to get married but not sure DP does?

[LittleMissTeacup]

My DP and I have been together for 6 years. During this time, we have had several talks about where we see ourselves in the future. I’m older by 3 years and I’m now 34. After we’d been dating for about 2 years, we decided to move in together and I had a deposit saved up which funded us buying a house together and furnishing it. This was all part of our long term plans we’d discussed. After a year of living here, I mentioned about children as we were both keen to start a family (one of our early discussions), he agreed but I said I wanted to get married first.
Since then, over the next 3 years, he’s decided that it’s not the right time to get married and, since I want to be married before having children, that will have to wait as well.
Valentine’s Day has been and gone and I think I’m feeling sad - I’m now at the age where I don’t see proposals on social media as all my friends are married.
For context, his friends are not married and, all of them have gfs significantly younger than me - 7 to 8 years younger. Sometimes he says “oh they don’t want to get married and have children for another 7 years” which is fine for them, but I’d be in my 40s if we followed his friends’ plans.
My mum is a firm believer that I basically do “wifey” work such as housework, food shopping, lunch sandwiches etc. and she maintains that you shouldn’t do this until you are a wife. I disagreed, I felt we were on the same page, which we seemed to be when we got the house, but now “it’s not the right time” or “it will happen when it happens”.
I now start to think the problem is that he doesn’t want to marry me, like I’ll do, but I’m not his long term plan. However, I’m fully prepared to accept this could be my insecurity as when I’ve dated before him, it’s always been made clear to me by ex’s that I’m not their long term relationship and I’m not worth the commitment. I actually gave up dating for a few years until I met DP.
I don’t want to have children without marriage - I’d like to share the same surname and feel all connected, as silly as that sounds. However, I would like children and am starting to get concerned that my age is going to make this harder.
Am I just worrying too much and letting my past insecurities get in the way and I should accept it will happen when it happens?

Have you actually made it clear to him that you want to get married, like, now? If you've only dropped hints then he may be oblivious and think that you're on the same page, especially as none of his friends are married - that is crucial here in understanding his mindset, I think.

I brought up marriage with DP in a 'testing the waters' jokey kind of way, his response was "nope, never". I was heartbroken. Even posted on here and received a resounding "dump him" (of course). So I did! Told him that we were over and it was because he didn't want to get married. He was very confused and said that he did want to get married, he'd thought we were joking around and was just being dry.

You're not going to get the spontaneous proposal that you probably want, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to marry you. Have a conversation with him.

Why does your mum think wives should do housework and make sandwiches??

Anyway to the point, you're the richer party so you'd lose out by getting married, marriage is not advised for women with more assets than their spouses, assuming you will of course keep working post kids.

I wouldn't risk marrying this man, even if he did ask!

Good luck Op!

Presumably her mother just meant dont do all this for him. He is a capable adult.

After 6 years he know whether he wants to natty you or not. You shouldn't have to put it all on the line but you're going to have to otherwise you run the risk of bumbling along indefinitely.

I'd lay it in the line for him, if you want dc and want to be married then you need to. It's not romantic or ideal but you could just have a quick registry office marriage and it's done, but I'd be wary of him changing his mind about children too as he's messed you about and changed his mind on the marriage.

Just tell him that if you're not married by the end of July and start trying for a baby straight after that then you'll leave.

Sounds harsh and ultimatums don't often go well but I'd this is what you want it's time time to play hardball

@LittleMissTeacup the writing is on the wall. Please please do not waste any more of your 30's on this guy. He's not in it for the long haul (or you'd be married by now) and fertility drops from here on in. This isn't about three years age difference (which is nothing), but it is about this guy's mindset, and it just doesn't gel with where you're at in life.

So happy to hear you protected your deposit and please read previous posters advice about how you get proportional increase not just the deposit!

@KittyKattyKate

He is only 28. Marriage and babies are the last thing on his mind, OP

Firstly he is 31. If he was 19 you may have a point. But 31 (or even 28) isn't a child. A large number of men have children and are married at that age. My husband and I had 2 kids at the age of 28. Don't use age as an excuse.

These men know your time is running out and that they have secret intentions not commit to you or have kids with you, yet just string you along to keep a convenient sexual, maid and companionship service for themselves. It's actually evil and the sort of thing an enemy would do, rather than someone who supposedly loves you

I don't disagree with this, but women have agency too and it's not actually obligatory to stay with such a man

Yes it's easy to think "if I just wait until such-and-such" - the sunken costs fallacy and all that - but there's surely a point where we all have to make decisions?

Oh OP, please don´t be my aunt or my sister in law. My aunt got married and then he suddenly turned round and after her enquiries, said no kids. This was the 70s, and she was in love and all that so decided to stay...years later he buggered off with another younger woman and had a little girl with her. My sister in law wasted her thirties on this guy, who was nice enough, except for this, he strung her along, there she was, having ops to get rid of her fast growing fibroids to have the kid they wanted and he had this crisis and told her he didn´t want that, he wanted to be free to go to the South of France to surf... It is too late for her now...she had to go to therapy to help her face she wasn´t going to be a mum and that he had future faked her and she believed him...

At 34 I think you need to break up with him and then take the next couple of months of restrictions to work out exactly what you are looking for and have a list of must haves in a man and also the areas you are happy to compromise on. Also work on setting up online profiles and see if any of your friends and family know single men looking for the same as you. That way once dating is allowed again which it hopefully will be by the summer you are ready and raring to go knowing exactly what you are looking for.

Please don't waste the rest of your thirties on a man who won't marry you and have children with you.

@KittyKattyKate

He is only 28. Marriage and babies are the last thing on his mind, OP

This is such a strange take. When I met DH I was 28 and he was 24. By the time he was 27 we’d married, bought property and had our first child. I know several friends who are with younger men who married and had kids in their mid twenties.

OP’s DP is in his thirties so your point isn’t relevant anyway but still, I do think this attitude can quite easily lead to women dating guys in their twenties to accept very little because ‘he’s too young for commitment’. A guy who wants to commit to you will do so, whatever his age, and if he won’t and that’s what you want then the relationship is doomed anyway.

Anyway, OP, to answer your question: no you’re not worrying too much, at 34 you’re not worrying enough. Not to frighten you, but you need to get a lick on if you want kids, especially as it takes time to find someone new and not rush things. He doesn’t want to marry you or have kids or he’d have married you already. It’s not too late for you but you do need to act very swiftly. Your fertility is on the line.

Even if he were 28 that wouldn't necessarily mean he wouldn't be willing to marry and have kids. DH was 22 when we got married and 24 when DS was born. All three of his childhood friends got married in the same year and two now have multiple children.

It's a shame you've waited this long. Don't waste any more time with him. End it ASAP.

I think you need to consider if you are ready to give him an ultimatum- one you are prepared to act on.

Tell him you want to start trying for DC and want to be married (a quick, cheap registry do? if that's an issue) if he isn't onboard then it's time to break up. Do you still really love him and think he'll make a good father?

Some people need a kick up the arse, for others it will flush them out - he has a cosy nest and has been looking to coast.

No one forces a woman to go out with a man several years younger than her and hang around for 6 years.

Fair is fair.

Lots of men don't want to have children in their 20's or even early 30's.

It is up to women to take control of what they want, make it clear and not put their faith in "hope".

"Hope" gets you diddly squat.

Two years in the OP probably knows deep down what she knows now.

He's not keen to have children yet.

She needs to get the house on the market, take the equity, strickly in proportion to what she put in, and move the hell on.

I think he was quite calculating with getting on the property ladder with the OP, but whatever, she needs to make a decision.
Move on, or languish for years as her fertility slips away.

He quite possibly may not want children for at least another 5/7 years.

By that time, some young little woman in her mid-late 20's could catch his eye.

Meanwhile OP is 10+ years in and just another woman who was sold a pup, and has given up her chance, when she knew for years that she was being played.

Be brave OP.

"Lots of men don't want to have children in their 20's or even early 30's.

It is up to women to take control of what they want, make it clear and not put their faith in "hope"."

Right. As women certainly can't expect men not to be opportunistic liars.

@RantyAnty

"Lots of men don't want to have children in their 20's or even early 30's.

It is up to women to take control of what they want, make it clear and not put their faith in "hope"."

Right. As women certainly can't expect men not to be opportunistic liars.

They can expect it all they want, but when a leopard shows you their spots like in OP’s situation it’d be nothing short of self harm to choose to ignore it and maintain the expectation that all will come good in the end...

I agree, Cold. The OP is long gone. Very sad but well, it's her life and she's well into adulthood.

I'm very sorry OP - but you are both settled adults. If he wanted to marry you he would have by now. What reasons has he given for it not being the 'right time'?
Give him an ultimatum - if he balks at the idea of setting a date and doing it then you have your answer.
The bigger question is - do you want children or a relationship more? Even if you leave him there's no guarantee that you'll find someone willing to marry you in a short period of time... maybe consider freezing your eggs or similar if a 'traditional' family is what you really want/

I’m a strong believer in if a man wants to be married to you he will be. He will ask you to marry him and you will get married because he wants you to be his wife.

This man doesn’t want that his making excuses and reasons abs dragging his heels. He will likely be one of those single for a month and engaged within a year if you separate.

Don’t wait around for him. He will leave when he decided he wants children and has wasted your fertile years that you then can’t give him children.

@Alwaysandforeverhere

I’m a strong believer in if a man wants to be married to you he will be. He will ask you to marry him and you will get married because he wants you to be his wife.

This man doesn’t want that his making excuses and reasons abs dragging his heels. He will likely be one of those single for a month and engaged within a year if you separate.

Don’t wait around for him. He will leave when he decided he wants children and has wasted your fertile years that you then can’t give him children.

His friends will start having them in that 7 or so years, or the women will wise up and ditch before that if they decide they want them and have a heel-dragger, and then he might come around. You'll be in your 40s. Run into problems and he'll pull the sad faced, 'So sad, wasn't meant to be' and become Mr Family Man within a year.

Again, I ditched a relationship like this at 30 (he was 34) but he wanted no kids, ever and he stuck to that, he's in his 50s now and had a vasectomy after we split. Our split was amicable and we're still friends.

But I had a brief but intense relationship with a man who was 29 at the time and he was in no way ready. He didn't have kids until he was 39 (he married a woman 7 years younger). Our split was also amicable; we'd been friends for years before that and still are.

Because we were all decent, mature adults who were like, we're not compatible because we're not on the same page about major things we want in life and so need to move on.

Hi OP. I'm sorry you find yourself in this difficult situation. I agree with other PPs that it doesn't look as if things is going to go well with your partner. I met my DP when I was 29, he was 27. Neither of us was the least bit interested in marriage or kids at that point..he didn't really 'believe in marriage'. Yet somehow a few years down the line, when I was was 34, we started to like the idea of making a family together, we loved each other and it felt like a natural progression and the next step on our relationship.
With regard to your DPs age,31 is not old by any means but hes been with you for 6 years..its a long time. If he doesn't know by now how he wants things to progress I'm not sure he ever will.